A New Baby, Or A Vacation For Two?

United States
July 7, 2008 3:05pm CST
A difficult choice, and one that needs to be made by September 1. HELP!!! My longtime best friend is pregnant with her first child. My husband and I were invited on a vacation with another couple with whom we are close friends (just the 4 of us, no kids!). My dilemma: I was expressing great joy and anticipation of my impending vacation with my friend, and she said, "But that's when I'll be having the baby." Oh, sh!t. A little background story, here, if you all don't mind. We have been best friends for 6 years. We've always been very close, from day one. She was present in the delivery room when my son was born, and she'd had other plans that day--her grandfather was in chemotherapy for cancer, and she was visiting him. He told her that he would still be there when she got back, and to come back to me in the hospital. She also has self-esteem issues, and I've always made certain to help boost it up for her, even in the slightest way. I love her dearly, as my own sister, and I never want to hurt her in any way. I love her, and I'm looking forward to having a new nearly-nephew. She also asked if I would take photos in the in the room right after the baby is born, and I said yes. Now, I don't want to seem as though I'm snubbing her if I go on this trip... ...But I can't exactly back out of it now. I'm the only person of the four of us that is unemployed (I'm a stay-home mom) and all 3 of the other vacationers have already obtained time off work for the planned weekend, as well as childcare while we're away. My husband and I had a one-day-one-night honeymoon; we've only had one vacation since being married, and that included both of our kids, my parents, my sister, and we didn't even get our own room! So we're quite looking forward to this trip. People we know and like to do stuff with during the day, and only each other to enjoy the nights together (separate rooms for each couple, of course). NO KIDS!!! For 6 days and 5 nights! I'm a stay-home mom, so this is something I NEED, something I've begged for over 2 years to have! So what do I do? She's displeased at the thought of my not being there for the birth of her child, but I don't want to feel pressured into staying home JUST IN CASE she goes into labor. My husband is p!ssed that she's trying to make me feel guilty, and tells me that I can stay here with her and my kids if I want to, but he's going anyway. Quite honestly, I'd rather go on the trip. I love my friend, but I love my husband more. I talk to her on the phone once or twice a week and see her a few times a month. I see my husband every day, talk to him on the phone several times daily, and sleep in bed with him at night. It's more important to me to keep him happy. And I need a vacation. I'm tired of the constant everything that goes with having kids. I have bipolar disorder, and I've been needing a break for a while. I'm only 23, and I feel 35. I want to be free, just me and my husband, just for one weekend!!! I feel like I'm just "me, me, me" right now, but am I so wrong for this? How do I tell her I'm going anyway, without hurting her too badly? How would you feel if you were in her position? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Any suggestions are welcome!
2 people like this
15 responses
7 Jul 08
It sounds like you need the vacation and will be there for her after the birth. Is there anyone else she could rely on to be there for the birth? You shouldn't worry about what your friend thinks, you should worry about what you need and whats best for your family as really your family would come before your friend!! If she really is such a good friend, she will understand that you deserve the holiday and wont make you feel guilty about it. I mean you have said that your husband is going regardless, would you really want to be at home with the kids just because that is the time your friend is expecting. What was arranged first?? Let us know which you decide and how things go.
3 people like this
• United States
7 Jul 08
Well, she has requested that no one be in the delivery room except her husband, herself, and the photographer--me. This way, neither her mother or mother-in-law will be allowed in. She understands that I need this vacation, she's the one that's been saying so for the past year! NO, I don't want to stay here with the kids! I want to go! Technically, she got pregnant first, and I've known her due date since she found out, but it slipped my mind at the first mention of a child-free vacation. The other couple planned most of it, including the dates, and invited us along. We accepted, and I was telling her about it, and she got miffed. I WANT to go, I PLAN to go, I just don't know what to say to her about it. The baby will be born whether I go or not, I'm just hoping it's either a week early or a week late.
2 people like this
8 Jul 08
I think you should go, her husband will be there so surely he can take a couple of snaps or one of the medical staff!! The baby will be there when you get back and you deserve this holiday, so quit worrying and have fun xx
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Jul 08
Thanks!
@uath13 (8207)
• United States
7 Jul 08
I'd tell her to either poop it out early or hold on to it a bit longer, I'm outa here. I haven't had a real vacation in.... ( thinks hard )... ( strains brain calculating )16 yrs. GEZ!
3 people like this
• United States
7 Jul 08
ROFLMAO!!! She'd probably get a kick out of that, too! I've been married 4 years, and I don't think a single-night honeymoon really counts--does it? It's more like an extra day off, right? Anyway, I'm going, whether she likes it or not, but I'm dreading the conversation I'll have to have with her about it. You hit the nail on the head, though. I'm hoping, PRAYING, that it's either a week early or late!!! Don't care which, but I've never been to Florida, either--and I'm going.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jul 08
Girl... All I'm gonna say is go. You havent had a day to yourself in 3 years. You know you need a vacation! I love homegirl just as much as you do, but you are ALWAYS worried about keeping everybody else happy. For once, it should be about you. Take time to relax. I'm sure that somebody else can take pictures. And it doesn't mean that you're selfish, it means that you know how to take care of yourself.
2 people like this
• United States
9 Jul 08
Thank you. I know you always have my best interests at heart, whether even I realize them or not. I'm glad you're my other best friend. When I don't know what to do, I can go to either one of you to figure it out. Except this time, it has to do with her, and I'm not sure how to tell her. Anyway, for now, I'm not going to worry about it. I'm sure it'll be worse when the time comes, but I'm looking forward to my trip anyway. I know that in a couple of years, she'll understand why I had to take the vacation, even if it hurts her feelings now. I'm learning to take better care of myself, thanks mostly to you! I'm glad you see the bigger picture, but do you think she will? Do you think she's going to be pissed or hurt, or okay with it? I just don't want something so dumb to wreck our friendship, but I'm going to Florida, whether it does or not.
• United States
9 Jul 08
She will be hurt...damn near broken. That's just how she is. But sooner or later, you have to realize that your family are the most important people in your life, and you need to be able to take care of them the best that you can. You need that break.If anybody knows what your life is like (only because I've witnessed a large chunk of it), it's me. I'm always looking out for you,girl. Don't feel guilty, sad, or anything. Do what you need to do. I'm only typing all this cuz I'm not home and my phone is off and that boy still owes money on the bill. But it should be back on tomorrow sometime. I'll call you.
• United States
9 Jul 08
Thanks, girl. You always know how to make me feel better! Superglue! Sorry bout your phone--make that boy give up some money! I'll talk to you tomorrow, and you can email me and stuff til then.
@jillbeth (2711)
• United States
7 Jul 08
If you planned the vacation before you knew about the impending due date, then I'd go on vacation with a clear conscience. Your and your friend may both be disappointed if the baby comes while you're away, but others are counting on you, too! And our spouse should come before our friends...
2 people like this
• United States
7 Jul 08
That's why it's tough. I DID know the due date first, but being a stressed-out stay-home mom & babysitter, I forgot all about it when I heard the words "kid-free vacation".
1 person likes this
@jillbeth (2711)
• United States
7 Jul 08
Oh, well, go anyway. The baby may not come on time, or maybe he/she will come early. But it sounds like you definitely need a vacation!
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Jul 08
Thank you! And thanks for posting!
@kerriannc (4280)
• Jamaica
7 Jul 08
Why are you stressing yourself. Did you have a recent vacation or this vacation will be the first of a life time. If the answer is yes for the last one go to the vacation and let your friend know before hand that you need this time away from the children and this is the only time you will have with your husband for along time. If she does not understand this then she is not a true friend. A true friend will not ask you to decide between her and your husband. In my opinion I would go on the vacation because whether you are there yes or no the baby will born. To me the great event is not being at the actually birth of the child but playing a active and responsible part in his/her life. Well this is my opinion.
2 people like this
• United States
7 Jul 08
We've never been on a real vacation, just the two of us. She's asked me to be the photographer in the hospital, and she was there when I had my son. I want to be there for her, but I don't know how to tell her that I'm choosing the vacation over the hospital visit without doing major damage to our friendship. She's as close as a sister to me, and I don't want to hurt her. I'm just hoping the baby is a week early or a week late. But Murphy's Law tells me that I'll go, and it'll come. Or I'll stay and it won't. So I'm going. But what should I say? What would YOU say?
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jul 08
Sounds like you have quite the dilemma! First let me point out due dates aren't always accurate. In fact I believe that they're pretty much a good estimate but I don't know of anyone who has had their baby born on the due date. My daughter was born 4 days early. So here's the way I look at it, chances are she'll be giving birth probably a few days early or a few days late... so I'd imagine you'll still be able to be there for her while she's giving birth. Then you also have to look at it this way, who did you make the agreement to first? Did you agree with your friend that you'd be there for her before the arrangements had been made for the vacation? If so then I'd seriously looking at trying to figure out how you can keep your word to her. However, seeing as your best friends I'm sure she would understand that all these plans have been made for 3 other people than yourself. Since you'd much rather go on the trip and it sounds like it's a much deserved trip, then you should let your friend know. Tell exactly what you told us, that there are 3 other people who have made plans with their employers to take time off of work. And that you love your husband very much and would love to go on this trip with him. I wouldn't necessarily tell her that you deserve this trip and you'd much rather do that than be there with her, that may just make you sound a little selfish. You can even tell her that if the baby comes early or late, you'll most definitely be there for them when the time comes. Anyway so all in all I think that it would be better for you to let her down but tell her how much you'd love to be there for her. BUT if there is a way to work it out to shift the vacation around then try to do that instead so you can please everyone including yourself!
• United States
9 Jul 08
My son, my first and only child, was born 3 weeks early. Granted, they had to induce my labor, but still. Yes, I knew her due date before the vacation was planned, but at the words "kid-free vacation", everything else was forgotten! (I'm also a babysitter through the week, and I have my 3 year old son, 9 year old stepson, and 15 year old stepbrother that live with me. I'm tired!) I'm looking forward to the baby being here, and I'd love to be a part of it's life (if she's not too mad to let me), but I've decided that working on my marriage is more important to me. I see this trip as a time for me and my husband to reconnect, de-stress, and come back with clearer heads and a stronger bond. Yay! Thank you so much for your advice, I'll definitely incorporate it into my chat with her! And thank you for posting!
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Jul 08
Your very welcome.
@foxyfire33 (10009)
• United States
8 Jul 08
You are not at all wrong! Having best friends is a great thing (or so I've heard, I never bonded with other women quite that much) but you have your own husband and your own family and they have to come before your best friend. I know you realize that already...it's time for your friend to realize that too. I think the best thing you can do is have a sit down talk with her. Explain the dates of your trip and tell her that you will be there for the birth of her baby IF it falls outside of those dates but that she should have a back up photographer in place during your trip. Neither of you should get too worked up about it though. There are so many variables when it comes to giving birth. She may go early or late. If you stayed home, she could decide in the moment that having you there was more than she could handle. She could wind up needing a c-section. If either of those two happen you will have basically wasted your time staying home. She may be upset for a while...just remember that hormones are doing some of the talking for her. But once she has a little more experience being a mom, she will completely understand your need for a vacation.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Jul 08
You are exactly right. These scenarios aren't something I'd even thought of. That's something I'll DEFINITELY bring into my conversation with her! Thank you for helping me see other sides of the coin. And thanks for posting!
@kissie34 (2296)
• Philippines
8 Jul 08
If you really want to go on the trip then go for it.. Just explain to your friend why you really need to go and cannot stay for her on her labor.. Just make it understand to her that you really want to go on the trip and it might not happen again after how many years... I think she will be able to understand it since she is your best friend.. Tell her that as soon as you get home, you will see her and her baby immediately.. There is nothing wrong of thinking about yourself.. You're not selfish if you think of your own happiness sometimes.. And besides it is not your fault that the two situations will happen on the same day.. You only need to have your own priorities of which is you really want to do..
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Jul 08
Thank you. I appreciate your advice, and it's nice to hear that I'm not selfish! Thank you for posting!
• United States
7 Jul 08
Your dissection should be made how long has it been since you had a vacation for two... is the person you going with your husband or boyfriend. if its been a while since you have been on a vacation?
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jul 08
Umm... All of your questions were answered in the discussion. I also asked a few of my own questions in the end.
2 people like this
@Tianna2 (1274)
• United States
8 Jul 08
Well, like you said, youwant and need this vacation. I would go, if she's really your friend, she'll understand. I understand you wanting to be there for her and her baby, but you need time for your self and your husband too. I kind of agree with your husband, she shouldnt be making you feel guilty for wanting to go and it sounds like your already commited to going anyway. I would tell her I'm sorry but I'm going and I'm going to have the time of my life. There will be plenty time to spend with the baby later and who knows, maybe the baby will be early or late. If possible, you might try to find someone else to take the pics of her baby. Unless I misread, sure she had other plans when your child was born, but it sounds as if she alredy in the same building(I could be wrong here). I hope your friendsip is strong enough to get past this but I think you need to think about you. You can easily go crazy trying to please other all of the time! Hugs, Tianna
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jul 08
You sound like a lovely caring person; your friend is fortunate to have you, but you need this vacation! You are not only thinking of yourself! Everyone else in the party is confirmed to go, so you have a commitment to them as well. Your husband needs you, and you need to take care of yourself, or you won't be in a position/condition to be a good friend to this girl. Too, the childbirth may not happen while you are away. That is a chance the two of you will have to take. Tell her of your love for her and your deeper love for your husband and your duty to care for his needs. Let her know how very much you need to get away for your own mental health! If she loves you as much as you care for her, she will look at things from your point of view. Sure I would feel sorry my friend had to go away when I was about to give birth, but I would definitely see that she needed to do it, regardless. Building a strong marriage comes before maintaining a tighter friendship in an instance such as this.
@raynejasper (2326)
• Philippines
8 Jul 08
hi.. for me, it would be better if you talk to her face to face and explain the whole situation. Tell her the importance of the vacation. Cite all the negatives and positives if you go on vacation and if you stay for her. You don't need to make the decision yourself because I believe after you have explain to her the whole situation, she will be the one to decide and give you permission in her own free will for you to go on vacation with your husband. Remember, we females are kind of "family first" thinkers. Try to ask her, "What if she's in your situation, what will she do?" when she throws back the question to you, then answer her back saying that anyway, whether you stay or not, the baby will be born and you can see the baby after your vacation, while that opportunity for you to go on a week-long vacation with your husband happens only once. We don't know if there will be another opportunity. We have to live our life to the fullest and make our loved ones happy especially our family. If she's really your friend then she will understand you and wish you good. It will also be good if you pray that she will deliver the baby earlier before the scheduled date of your trip. Good luck..!
1 person likes this
@trickiwoo (2702)
• United States
8 Jul 08
If you'd rather go on the trip, then go on the trip! Try explaining to your friend that when you booked the trip you weren't aware that it was around the time she was due. Explain that it is too late now to back out of the trip as arrangements have been made. Also, try to stress that the chances are she won't have the baby while you're away. Most people I know who have kids, their children weren't born the same week as their due dates! I know I was born nearly 2 weeks after my due date! So let your friend know that there's a good chance you'll still be able to be there for the birth of her child. I would also try to explain to her that this is something you and your husband really need for the sake of your marriage. Let her know that while you cherish her friendship and she means a lot to you, your marriage and your family are your first priority. If she's a good friend, then she'll understand.
• United States
13 Jul 08
I think although your friend will be hurt she will understand.Maybe she won't have the baby yet and you can still be there for her.You also can make it up to her when you come back by spending some extra time with her.You can't let your husband go without you,that wouldn't be right,he is your husband first it is just the way it is.Since she has a husband and family she won't be alone.Right now she is pregnant ,but after the baby is born she will be so happy and very happy to share the joy with you when you return.Go on your vacation and keep in close touch with her,that way she will know you are still thinking of her while you are gone. Good luck. Jas
@akrockz (306)
• India
9 Jul 08
just go for a vacation...