Living to die...
By Serath
@Serath (86)
South Africa
September 2, 2008 6:54am CST
Ever felt like you are just living because you are alive? Going through the motions day after day and hating every moment of it, so much so, that when you finally get home from work, you just occupy your mind with meaningless and senseless things just to pass the time untill you are finally tired enough to actually fall asleep. Then, in the morning, you are saddened that you actually woke up and just can't get your self out of bed, wishing you could sleep for ever.
Have you ever been so strung out that you held your breath untill the point that you pass out? The sense of utter silence and darkness, unlike what you experience at night when lying in your bed with your eyes shut. So comforting...so inviting...so peacefull.
Ever felt you are just living because you are alive and just can't wait till your life is over...?
6 responses
@greenglitterturtle (2750)
• United States
2 Sep 08
hi serath,..sometimes. but mostly life has meaning and a purpose. it helps to believe that God has a plan for our lives and that He Loves us and cares. and wants to help us in our daily struggles. and that it is important how we live our life for it determines our future status in heaven. doing God's will is the most important thing. He promises to enable us as we live for Him. i hope that you have some better days. Jesus does love you and cares for you.
1 person likes this
@Serath (86)
• South Africa
2 Sep 08
Thanks greenglitterturtle... My head knows this...but my heart cries out in pain. What I feel is irrational and illogical...even to the point that I feel that I might not even mind going to hell...just to get this life over with. Strangest of all, I have no problem with my physical difficulties of which there is many...it's my mind, emotions and heart that I can not deal with.
Rational thaught doesn't seem possible and my heart doesn't seem to want to listen to reason.
@greenglitterturtle (2750)
• United States
2 Sep 08
first keep using your head. if you are miserable here hell is far worse. keep going forward and hanging on. whatever it takes to get thru the day. it is worth the effort and the battle. it can always be worse. it is difficult to live in misery but keep trying to think right thoughts. keep up the fight. you're in a battle with your mind. life is worth living. some day it will be worth all that you go thru. hang on and keep doing what you know you should be doing. and maybe if it is a case that some medication could help you? one never knows unless you go to a doctor. whatever you decide keep holding on and living your life. i will pray for you. hold on. there will be better days.
1 person likes this
@Serath (86)
• South Africa
2 Sep 08
You are right of course.
Now that my mood has lifted again, things seem totally different. Rapid cycling can play havok with your mind. When you are down, you can't imagine being up...and when you are up, you can't believe having been down.
Everything would be so much simpler if my mind just worked right.
@Ravenladyj (22904)
• United States
2 Sep 08
Yep...In fact I lived like that from childhood right through until my late 20s...I've suffered from severe depression my entire life so its actually no wonder though BUT I learned that with determination, willingness to change how I see life and such and also doing some major soul searching I didnt have to live like that...then in my 30s I was also put on medication which has helped even more....
1 person likes this
@Serath (86)
• South Africa
2 Sep 08
You are right in the respect that most of the change has to happen in you. The medication sometimes seem to help...but only the symptoms and never really the root cause. But it seems to be like a catch 22 situation... How do you persuade your self that life is worth living, if you feel that you have no reason to be alive.
It's a feeling of being trapped...you can't move forward but you can't move back either. It feels like a "Lost cause"
@cher8558 (425)
• Canada
4 Sep 08
Hi friends,
Serath, this is about the saddest thing I have ever read. How can one feel that bad about life. I have been diagnosed my whole life as depressed, but I can honestly say I don't think I have felt as low as you. I hope you really don't feel like this ALL THE TIME. That is not living.
What in your life can be that bad to make you feel this way. There must be something in this great big world that makes you happy. Something, anything.
Please find something that you like to do. Have you ever tried doing crafts or a hobby you might like? It sounds like you are desperately lonely and bored.
God love you.
Cheryl
@Serath (86)
• South Africa
4 Sep 08
Most of the time, I am more inbetween but never truely happy. I guess, one of the factors might just be job related as we spend so much time at work but even when things are going well at work, my mind just tends to spiral downward without reason.
I used to enjoy playing piano/electronic keyboard but now that is not much of an option. I have difficulty with my wrists...a form of osteo-arthritis, due to a connective tissue disorder called "Marfan's".
The physical problems however, doesn't really seem to bother me all that much. It's my mind that I can't cope with. It's just that I usually feel like such a failure and so useless at everything I do. I never seem to do anything right. Also, when one area of my life is troubled, I just seem to seise-up in all aspects.
@kipluck (143)
• United States
8 Sep 08
Not always, thankfully. Faith in God helps... reading scriptures and praying and such. The support of family and good friends. My pets... having someone you have to care for, you know? And I think my meds help. And exercise... I got to water aerobics.
But yes. During my worse times, definitely. Sometimes I wish so badly that I would die in my sleep. Not enough to DO anything about dying... just wishing I would. Depression sucks so much.
@Serath (86)
• South Africa
8 Sep 08
I know what you mean.
I should look for a place that gives swimming as an exercise.
I used to go to what they call "Bio-Kinetichs" which is basically a medical gym as I have a lot of joint problems. Now however, it's almost not worth it, as I have kind of an osteo-arthritis in my wrists so I can't pick things up, I have patella-alta, meaning my kneecap sits too high up so I can't ride bike or jog due to chondromalatia and I am not allowed to exercise with weights (or exert my self) over 10kg's, due to a heart-valve problem and my legs don't feel any effort with weights under 30kg's.
@always01 (4)
• Philippines
10 Sep 08
Actually its my everyday routine of being depress. When i watch a movie, every time i listen to music and thought of problems that I don't how to solve it. it really makes so much depression.
I just can't control my emotions. I'm always trying to be okay. i just breathe and there could be the day that you'll be happy. Maybe it's not now,just maybe someday..
try to listen to the song of paramore entitled BREATHE
