How Many..

@tessah (6621)
United States
September 5, 2008 12:16pm CST
"second" chances should be handed out? third.. fourth.. fifths? does the category of the person matter in the decision? friend, best friend, spouse, lover, parent, sibling, child? where and when do the lines get drawn on a person you love that is just simply toxic and desructive to yer well being and very existance? how long can the human skull bash repeatedly into that proverbial brick wall before it shatters? how long SHOULD you slam yer head before you finally say.. chyeahhh, y`know what? ut uh.. no more! when it comes to yer own self preservations.. where do YOU draw the line? and how do you seperate, turn, and walk away.. with peices still relatively intact? and how do you put them back together again ?
5 people like this
16 responses
• Canada
6 Sep 08
I have always been someone to give second , third , forth , fifth and so forth chances , always hoping that things would be better , that my friend , family member , spouse , sibling or parent , whoever it be , that they would not to something to hurt me again . I can honestly say that I always wanted to find the good in them and wanted to be able to trust again and tried to view it from if it was me that had did something and would be looking for a second or third chance , how would I feel . This has not helped me by being so forgiving , I have been hurt so many times and the most recent was the limit . I no longer am going to give more chances . If they don't like me for me , want to be there just to dish out as much as they can hurt or are only looking after their own agenda then see ya !! I have been hurt so bad by family and so called friends that I will never view things the same again . If someone really cares about one then why are they forever trying to hurt you , if they truely cared they wouldn't do this . And I now see that even though it is hard ,I am better off without them . My life has been forever changed because of the second and third chances I offered family and friends and all they did was bring me down to a level where I don't know if I will ever feel the same again about life .
1 person likes this
@tessah (6621)
• United States
6 Sep 08
ive had to turn and walk from so many in the last fw years for the exact same reasons. and i do look at things just as simply that black & white.. if someone cares, they do NOT want to hurt you. and if *I* were to do such things.. i wouldnt be deserving of forgiveness.. and i take great care with those i love, and expect them to value me just the same. yes.. its hard and it hurts.. but i dont make future people pay for the crimes of those from the past.. they are judged upon their own merits and actions and nothing else.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29166)
• United States
6 Sep 08
Well, I was told by a cousin, that it should be only two chances. But for me, it is more than that.. I always try to give someone many chances over and over.. That is what God wants me to do..
1 person likes this
@tessah (6621)
• United States
6 Sep 08
yeah the whole turn the other cheek philosophy that most of the time only leaves you with them both bloodied. ive given many many uncountable chances.. its time it ends.
1 person likes this
@xParanoiax (6998)
• United States
6 Sep 08
3. Lol. Three life-changing chances, I call 'em. Since I only count the big things, people only get three chances to break my heart. After that, they get no more chances. Someone I knew affectionately called it, my "three strikes you're out" rule.
1 person likes this
@checapricorn (16066)
• United States
5 Sep 08
w[i]ow! sounds a very simple question but very hard when we are in a point of deciding! I do believe in second chances or third and so on, when they are the love of my life and once the situation is just light! I haven't experienced though anything about this concerning My family and loves ones! I have tried with close friend and since it was very painful for me, I was very firmed not to give a chance, It is better for me to cut off communication and stop pretending to be okay after a month or so! The trust was destroyed a lot and I was hurt so much so, I never gave her a second chance..I am very loving and friendly but once I will be hurt by a friend, I can forget and get rid of her in my system![/i]
1 person likes this
@lemayan (188)
• Germany
5 Sep 08
drawing the line is essential, it also depends with you, when do you feel that its too much, and no i cannot take it anymore!! be it a spouse a sibling a friend there comes a time when you feel your not comfortable with what is going on or what they are doing to you and you draw a line, but for me i give the person time, and a chance to either apologize, confess, and worse of all see if whatever they are doing to me, they comprehend it(that is , is it deliberate or pre meditated or is just a mistake) depending on the above then i take my action
@jstmarfz (1499)
• United States
5 Sep 08
I do give chances to someone but once or twice will be enough and it depends with the damage they caused to me. Like with my former bestfriend in highschool. I never thought that she would say bad things about me behind my back or share the things to somebody about the secrets I had trusted on her. I never realized she did that for being jealous. I got mad at her and it took 2 years for me to forgive her. I gave her another chance and we became friends again. Like what happened before, she did it again. I was very disappointed. Now, she's trying to be close friend with me again but I had enough. With my dad, we had a huge fight coz we discovered that he was cheating to my mom which is not a surprise. I was just trying to defend my mom. That fight leads him to moved out in our house but after a week later he came back coz my mom asked him to which also leads me to move out in our house and it took 1 year before I talked to my dad. But I did not ask sorry to him coz I believe there was no reason for me to say sorry. I gave him another chance but warned him if he do it again, I will make it sure that he wont be back in our house. I had enough seeing my mom being hurt coz of him. But I am glad that he is being good now. hehehe
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (24994)
• Australia
15 Sep 08
This is sooo hard to answer. When it's someone you love and they are a huge part of your life, in your heart and in your head then there is never a "right" time to break the ties. In many cases you just have to keep going. It's inevitable that the break comes eventually but it's something that you can't plan or prepare for in total. And I've always left it too late or else the other party has not let go at the same time I have...spiritually and mentally and physically. It's ended up an ugly, bloody mess with my brain being scrambled and my psyche in tatters along with my self esteem and confidence. I've never recovered...which of course means that I've always ended up in yet another toxic situation....the poison clinging to my soul.....always an integral part of me. I think a soul mate could come in handy in these situations, someone who knows the me I want to be and helps me rid myself of the gunk and be whole and as good as I can be. It's not been my good fortune to have such a blessing and so I flounder in my aloneness.
@tessah (6621)
• United States
15 Sep 08
spiritual cleansing can be a difficult task all by yer onesies. specially when yer mind is torn so yer focus sucks and yer heart is broken so you cling to memories. it always leaves bits behind. with regular generic folk.. its a little easier. a person who carries the same blood is downright near impossible. and shes my daughter.. something about that physical link has got me once again being ever hopeful that i wont have to sever all ties, and we are attempting to work things out. well.. *I* am, time will tell if shes being genuine or not. but another chance.. another crash of my skull. truth of it is i do love her.. im just hoping she turns around before she fully destroys that. as for you being alone.. yer not. all youve gotta do is reach for my hand.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (24994)
• Australia
15 Sep 08
Ahh Tess. I'm sitting here crying so hard now. I've wanted someone to say the words all my life and now you've said them and I don't know how to react...other than to blow my nose. I have a daughter, 2 actually, and the younger one is a bit of a mess. They both left home early at 11 and 12. I rarely speak to my younger daughter...it's been once in 3 years, last Christmas as if there was nothing wrong. Her life has been a mess from where her sister and I stand but Nic lives in a world of her own, neglecting her kids in the process...she has a son 19 and a daughter 11. She simply ignores everyone these days so there is simply a void . There are so many things that have happened while we 3 were a family and since and I can say I don't know her. In the past she would turn to people for help but she would use people up and when they said "No more" to her she would just move on. Her sister did so much for her for years, helping her at every turn. There is a whole lot I don't know about even as a kid she would keep things to herself, she's had a really crappy life. She gets no more chances from anyone but she doesn't seem to care. She seems very unaffected by everything in her life. I know she's my flesh and blood but I don't know how I feel about her. I don't feel connected to her in any way. Knowing your daughter as you do...just what is it you want from her? Or for her? In my case, I don't know what I want from Nicole. Peace, love? I know I want those things for her but that's as far as it goes. Thank you for being my friend and for being there for me...wish we were closer cos I could use a hug.
@tessah (6621)
• United States
15 Sep 08
*HUGS anyways* regardless of the distance.. i can still make you feel it just the same what i want from her isnt so very unreasonable or unfair. simply to be a decent honorable person. honest and hard working, respectable and kind. are these things really that hard to do? same as yers.. she uses people. takes whatever she can get, cons, lies, and then moves on to the next when shes emptied them out. all the while telling lies about the person before to the new one about how terrible they were to her. she acts entitled to having whatever she wishes to have without ever doing anything to achieve it. teachers in school helped further fuel this attitude by passing her along without requiring her to do anything for it.. and i got reamed for being "mean" for my want of her flunking, being held back.. and recieving the grades shed actually earned. by the time she got into high school and the teachers actually expected she work for what she got.. she didnt know how to handle it.. continually flunked out year after year until they told her she had to leave. she was too old for public school, and she didnt seem to even want an education.. soo they kicked her out. same with whatever job she would have. shed go there.. do nothing, and expect a paycheck. she worked at a pizza place the last time she lived with me.. and i started getting phonecalls from her coworkers cussing me out. i finally called her boss and told him what was going on and i didnt appreciate his employees calling me all hours screaming at me. he let me in on the fact she would go there.. mouth off to the damned OWNER of the place saying she just couldnt do anything because she was so upset over her b|tch of a mother and her terrible home life. they let her slide for 3 months like that.. feeling sorry for her "situation", but after speaking to me, realizing she was faking her sposed trauma.. fired her. and its been this way for years.. same scenerio played out wherever she goes.. with whoever happens to take pity upon her and out of the goodness of their hearts.. wanting to "help" her. soo she winds up with a few months stay with someone rent free, expense free.. until they finally wise up to the truth, and throw her out.. where she then moves onto the next person who feels badly for her sitation and the unfairness of the people who just tossed her to the street, and take her in.. and the cycle begins again. and all i can do is sit back and watch it repeat like a video on replay constant.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Sep 08
Tough question!! I guess it depends on the person, the length of the relationship, the nature of the relationship, how much you have vested in it, and how much the offending individual has shown they want to improve. I've had people in my life that upon first offense I have had to rid them from my life, and then there are those who offend over and over again, but for some reason I keep around. I guess this is really something of a personal individual situation to figure out for yourself. There does come a point when you do have to utter those words though. If the relationshipp gives no room for improvement, or the person shows no remorse, or he/she shows no signs of improvement, then there really is no purpose for the relationship. I'm a very tender heart, so I offend easily. But in the same way, I forgive rather easily as well. I probably keep those toxic people around too long...maybe that's the cause for need of my meds??? Best wishes in solving this puzzle!!
@tessah (6621)
• United States
6 Sep 08
thanx edgy.. think imma crawl into a hole for a while on this one. *squish*
• United States
6 Sep 08
Now that I see who you are dealing with, I can't say as I blame ya. I'd wanna crawl into a hole too. I hope things work out for ya. ANd I wish I could have a more valuable view point to share...but I dont xince my kiddies are still so young.
@tessah (6621)
• United States
6 Sep 08
you listen to me rant and ramble and cry.. and that my darlin, is quite valueable. *SQUISH* the problems didnt sink in when she hit those trying teen years.. it started when she was younger than yer brood is, with the first person who thought she was too cute to reprimand and gave her a pat on the head saying "aww, dont listen to yer mom shes just mean!" and spiraled downwards from there. so be happy in knowing yers more than likely wont turn demon spawn on ya. 14 years of pretty much daily conflict and fighting.. trying to teach honor and honesty, responsibility and decency.. to have it rejected and thrown back at me. i havent got anything left in me, and as irish wisely stated.. ive got others who need mommy healthy. i havent been left with much other choice than to close the door until she decides the things ive tried to teach her are necessary to know and turns around.
@myklj999 (20837)
5 Sep 08
I pretty much give anyone a second chance; after that, it's pretty much they can go f%^$ themself. I used to repeatedly bash my head; now I'm too old for the headaches involved.
@tessah (6621)
• United States
6 Sep 08
what if its one of yer children...?
@myklj999 (20837)
6 Sep 08
They get 99 chances; after that, I'm done.
@tessah (6621)
• United States
6 Sep 08
well she passed that years ago.. and here i am still rattling my brains. shes a grown woman.. its time to put an end to it.
• China
6 Sep 08
Tessah(1882); Second Chances,are usually the order of the day,when some'one you lov e is doing it or has done it.As a Person of many second chances,and good reasons fo r needing them .and a bad reasons for doing them.The second chances you speak of are extreme or can develope into Love Hate relationships,and Friend or Foe beware. Its unfortunate some of us have indulged in these practices.Some for the right rea sons and of course for the obvious reasons.Not all can be decided in a few minutes as you know when giving 2nd chances.On the part of the woman,or man,its difficult to think that way,when you wish to hold onto what you know at the time to be your only security in life.Someone whom makes you feel whole,as a real person.You do not have to bash your your skull,you just decide,to end the problem,and hope that the other person,decides to drift away(which seldom happens)You have to focus,and do something.A Employer likes a person who can make decisions,and do the job,rega rdless,so long as the job gets done.You have to make the decision,seperate,look at your world,yourself,and just walk away.Dont look back!Then you begin a new life,an d tell people,only the things you want them to know about you.You dont have to move if your city is large enough to begin over.Even in another village,you can be gin life all over. Just hang up,on the people in your life who were no help to you and enlist new friendships. Friends will help you at times,even if its only one.
• United Arab Emirates
6 Sep 08
There is no wrong in trying another chances,Who knows this time might be work.But if its really difficult for you to do,becuase of the situation,just say NO and close the door..
@hiddenwing (3721)
• China
6 Sep 08
It is all about lines. People can either waste the lives drawing lines, or they can live their lives crossing the lines. If they are willing to take the chance, the view on the other side maybe spectacular. I don't really know it, lol. Have a nice day!
@seraj143 (75)
• India
6 Sep 08
Hi guys, It is of course a pain for some one going through this bad time of separation. The one thing I would like to mention here is "when we were born single and shall die single, then how can we expect some to be always by us". Until and unless we realize that in every stage of life we join many and leave many whether that be a movie in a theater or a bus journey,train journey,restaurant etc.,...So take the things in a similar way. I couldn't understand why one should draw the lines for his life live like a free bird, as you are born free, so be it. Take the one who has walked out of the life to be granted as unfit for you. that's it .........The moment you can make this, you had made up yourself and there is no need to bash ur skull to the what so ever .........I would only say Its ur life and it should be your wish who shall remain in it or who shall be thrown off it.Thanks a lot.
@kavinsh (78)
• India
6 Sep 08
Hi tessah its really hard to give chances to the same person.But when we want to remain in the relationship we are just giving the chances again and again... in a hope that the wall will fall down oneday we are continuouslly striking our head. the reason is that we dont want to give up the relationship.. Sometimes the category of the person matters... because in different relations we have different way to handle the situation.
@tiff1984 (385)
• United States
5 Sep 08
I agree with second chances but I also like the moto "foul me once shame on you, foul me twice shame on me" Family is hard because I don't think you should ever completely give up on family but you should do what you can to protect yourself from getting hurt.
@ellie333 (21029)
5 Sep 08
Hi Tessa, Well I try everything at least twice in life to make sure I really did like/dislike the first time LOL so agree with second chances within reason as some just need to be cut the very first time. The old saying you can choose your friends but not your family is so true and I also like the one where friends are the family we choose for ourselves. Family we do tend to be more forgiving with as they are a permanent fixture but friends that continue to do unreasonable things gradually get outed from my life and then TRUE friends remain. Headbutting walls HURTS so I don't try that one too often. The hows and whys I really can't answer as each individual situation is dealt with differently but reconciliation is the hardest. Huggles. Ellie :D