Stupid Things Said At Funerals

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I know that funerals are probably one of the worst times imaginable for everyone in attendance. The family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances of the deceased are all dealing with the loss of this person. The friends, co-workers, and acquaintances have the added burden of trying to be comforting to the grieving family. They feel as if they have to say things, when in actuality their very presence is enough. But because of this need to say something, we (as the family) must endure the most inane comments ever to pass the lips of man. My least favorite of all of the comments that I heard at my grandmothers funeral yesterday was "She looks so natural. It's like she is just sleeping." First of all, she doesn't look natural; she looks dead. Everything that is important about her has left her body, and all that is left is a lifeless shell that has been poked, prodded, broken, and manipulated, so that we can all stare at her corpse for a day or two before we toss her in an oven and reduce her to ashes. Secondly, if the person saying this thinks that they just look asleep, remind me never to be severely ill with this person as my as my primary caregiver. But that wasn't all. I also had to hear how pretty she looked. "My god, I've never seen her look so beautiful!" Really? Are you blind? You think puffed out cheeks, caked on make up, and cold dead flesh is pretty? I was half tempted to ask if they were currently seeing a shrink and if not, offer the man of a very good one. They have a name for people who think things like that...they call them necrophiliacs. But the compliments weren't only for the dead. I got to hear how beautiful I was as well and what a lovely young lady I had grown up to be, by people who haven't seen me since before I reached puberty. Again, puffy swollen red eyes and streaked make up is attractive. Someone show me the cover of a magazine promoting such a look as being "in" this season. I know all those in attendance meant well but all they managed to do was add more anger to my grief. As if I wasn't angry enough that my grandmother, who was just at the doctors 2 weeks ago and got a clean bill of health, was now laying dead before me. I have decided that this kind of incessant babble will not be dished out at my funeral. I have already begun to get my friends to agree to squirt anyone stupid enough to speak such inane things with super soakers. Sure, it's not being "respectful of the dead", but as the "dead," I figure I can still do what I want! What are some stupid things you have heard at funeral homes? And have you ever thought about how you want people to act at your funeral?