Do you think people adopt more for themselves or more to help children?

@xcammiex (272)
United States
September 14, 2008 10:29pm CST
I have always wondered what people's motives for adopting were. Do you think it's because they want to have children and that is the only way for them or do you think it's because they really want to give a child a home? If it is to help the child, why do so many people adopt newborns privately for thousands of dollars instead of adopting free children from foster care? If they are adopting only because they can't have children, do you think the child would feel second rate, like he or she is just the last resort? What kind of effect would this have on the child and do you think people who feel this way should be allowed to adopt? You guys don't have to answer all of the questions. These are just the things I've been wondering and I'd love other people's perspectives.Thanks!
2 people like this
11 responses
@jesus777 (664)
• Bermuda
15 Sep 08
all a child need is love and if the person heart is in the right place and there heart is open to love and care for them then i think they are doing it for the children and not themselves because i feel it would be selfish to do for self or to welfare money or whatever if anyone does for other reasons for there own personal them to me i think that they are heartless and they should not bother adopting at all this is my views on the matter!!!!
@kerriannc (4281)
• Jamaica
15 Sep 08
I am unable to have children and when I do finally find my notch in life I will be adopting. I will be doing this because I love children and giving a child shelter, good education and a healthy life to me should be because of love. There are persons who will adopted because they want someone to go to the shops and does the house work like a servant which is wrong. Some persons just want to hear mommy/daddy from a child's mouth. If you show this child love and respect even if the child finds out that you are not the real parents he/she will love you in the same manner as before. Adoption is a good thing and remember that it depends on the individual who are seeking to go through this process.
• United States
15 Sep 08
What xcammiex is asking is if you could have children would you be adopting still, or just because you can't is why you are doing this? And are you doing it because "you" want children, or because you want to help the child out just to help the child?
@xcammiex (272)
• United States
15 Sep 08
I'm very glad to hear that. I of course understand people who have the desire to parent. Obviously, you shouldn't be adopting kids if you don't have the desire to parent. I'm always worried when people try to "special order" a child just the way they want it beause that to me shows they only care about what they want, not about the child. I've seen it a lot and have started to doubt people. Are you planning on doing a private adoption or adopting from foster care? Please let me know if you would like me to recommend some reading material about adopted individuals. I've spoken to many adoptees and gotten so much great advice and recommendations on things that help understand what they are going through. Please don't downgrade yourself by saying you would not be the real parent. It sounds like you would really care for the child and not just yourself, so you would definitely be a "real" parent. The first or bio parents would be "real" also, you would simply have different, but important roles. Adoptees have 2 sets of parents, both real. That's what I've heard from 95% of them..
@kerriannc (4281)
• Jamaica
15 Sep 08
My dear friend whenever I have the confidence then I will certainly come to you for assistance. Silver sometimes persons will answer the way they are able to that does not mean that he/she is not trying to say what is on his/her mind. MYLOT is a community that you will not get a precise answer but still you will learn what the individual is trying to say. Welcome to MYLOT and I hope you will enjoy your stay here.
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
16 Sep 08
I truly believe that people who adopt who can't have children of their own truly want to open their hearts and homes to a child. I believe a child who is adopted by loving parents will have the best care that the birth mother might not have given. If you are wondering how I know this, I am myself a birth mother who chose placing a child for adoption six years ago. It was a hard process but the best choice I could make. My husband and I had the fortunate ability to meet with this couple. They already had a little girl at the time and no longer were able to bear children. It was the most selfless thing I could think of doing for the family.
@xcammiex (272)
• United States
16 Sep 08
Thank you for your comment/insight. It is good to hear from a fellow first mother. I am glad that you are happy with your decision.
1 person likes this
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
16 Sep 08
Thank you for your comment however I do have another son who will be five years old tomorrow. My husband and I were able to have another child but I will never forget the one I placed for adoption six years ago.
• India
15 Sep 08
The discussion you have started is not a healthy discussion because it can have an adverse affect on the adopted children. When they will become aware that they have been adopted by the issue less couple for their own motive to have a child rather then to give a home to the discarded children in the society. Do not take it otherwise these are my personal views. Further in the present cases where there are adopted children the difference between the thoughts of parents and that of the children will be widened.
@xcammiex (272)
• United States
15 Sep 08
I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. I think it would be more hurtful for a child to think they are their parent's charity case because they were "discarded". There is nothing wrong with parents wanting a child. My concern was those parents that treat adoption as a last resort. I'm worried that that attitude about adoption will transfer to them having that attitude towards the child. Kind of like, "Well, I couldn't have my own child so I had to settle for you" type of thing. Every parent should want to parent though. If not, they have no business adopting or having bio kids.
@kerriannc (4281)
• Jamaica
15 Sep 08
Sweethomecatring, I don't think you understand that there are genuine persons out there who love children but unfortunately cannot conceived. Here in my country there was a young boy who was thrown in the Garbage and a lady took him. This young man is know studying for Lawyer and he is also a Youth Advisor for one of those world agencies that I don't remember the name at this moment. This is also a healthy discussion were persons can contribute and learn. Alot of children knows that they are adopted and does not love the adopted parents any less. Instead what some will do is seek for the birth Parents to find out what went wrong so that they can be able to know his/her heritage. NOTHING IS WRONG ON BEING ADOPTED. It is the adopted parents who should show LOVE, RESPECT and UNDERSTANDING to these children in order for them to have a healthy environment.
@carmela0210 (1591)
• Philippines
15 Sep 08
i would both of them benifit on that!!the people who adopt some kind experience having a child and how it is to be a parents and likewise to the child they adopt, having experiencing having a family of there own who will really love them.
@xcammiex (272)
• United States
15 Sep 08
Just a quick comment. Please know that infants that are given up for adoption are almost never "unloved and unwanted." In fact, 98% of women who give their infant children up for adoption wanted to keep their babies. Those children are very very loved and sometimes the separation scars the first mother for the rest of her life because she cares so much about that baby.
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
it's though question. i think for most people, the initial reason the want adopting children is they not getting their own kids. yet, there is no harm to allow the parents with the reason to adopt children. it will better for the children anyway, to have a 'real' parents than to live in a children' home. well, i don't mean that living in a children home is not good. not at all. but having their own parents, home and family is the 'basic needs' of children. yet, there are also people who adopt children for help them, many of them is a single parents. you know, there are people who adopt lots of children (12, 20, 50). i don't think they do it just because they cannot produce their own kids.
@xcammiex (272)
• United States
15 Sep 08
I agree with you completely. Being a part of a family is definitely better than being in a group home. I think people who adopt from foster care are doing it for the children as well as themselves, which is a great balance. What worries me is the people who don't even think about foster care kids and instead spend 10,000 to 20,000 dollars trying to get a healthy infant baby.
• United States
15 Sep 08
I think the main reason is for themselves, but after they have decided they want children is when the charity for the child comes in. I don't think that someone can't do anything without it is for themself. Someone who volunteers don't do it just for helping people, they might get items from it, or a "good feeling" so if they didn't get that feeling then would they do it? People are selfish, that is human nature, if you didn't get something out of it or have a potental to get something from it would you do it?
@xcammiex (272)
• United States
15 Sep 08
I agree with this too. I don't think it's a bad thing though, as long as the wants and desires of the parents don't overshadow the needs of the children.
@ronaldinu (12445)
• Malta
19 Sep 08
One cannot generalize and say that all adoptive parents seek to adopt for egoistic reasons. It depends on the couple who are pondering on this decision. You can find couples who already have a child and adopt to help orphans, to give them a second chance in life. You can find another couple who are childless and are desperate to have a baby and they resort to adoption. It does not mean that they are triggered off by egoistic motives.
@dheal888 (283)
• Indonesia
15 Sep 08
Essentially we adopt for help and prepare for better life children. However the people hoping to adopt should know this is have a significant difference and all that is entail in adoption. Adopted will become responsible for every thing that concerns the child until the child grows up. So, if we don't have it, I think people adopt more for themselves.
@acegirl (127)
• China
15 Sep 08
There's no absolute answer,I think. of course I'm also wondering why so many americans try to adopt kids from China. I can always see a lot of american couples(i'm not sure if they are really, maybe they are from other western countries. But i can tell from their accents, most of them speak unadulterated American English) holding their chinese adopted kids'hands on the streets in Shanghai. This phenomenon really puzzles me a lot.But why do you think the key is all about that? What makes you think so? In my opinion, those couples are just showing their love to those wretched kids. If the case were really like what you think about, i don't think anything would have been wrong with that. Those couples don't have their own kids, so they adopt them, and for sure they must try their best to take care of them, because they want to have that complete-family feeling, and the kids are gonna take the sense of how it's like with the love and care from parents. It's good,isn't it? It doesn't involve whether those couples are selfish or not.
@Rintis (646)
• India
15 Sep 08
Most people go ahead and adopt children when they can't have a child of their own. I think its ok because all said and done the abandoned child gets a home and parents love. Accepting somebody else's child and bring him/her up like our own is not an easy task. One should be really mentally prepared. I have a son of my own and wish to adopt a girl but its not that easy. I have to have assets, strong bank balances and good income. Plus I have to convince everybody in out family about it because I wouldn't want any discrimination later. I hope I can do all this soon and bring an angel soon to my family.