Living with your inlaws...

@Wyldrose (1216)
United States
October 27, 2008 10:15am CST
Living with your inlaws is no piece of cake. Trust me, I know this from experience. My husband and I live with his dad and have been for the last three years. It's not that we can't afford to live elsewhere, I guess we could if we wanted to.. but we figure that if we do try to live somewhere else we may have to give up our business because by the time we pay rent for our business, then rent another house or apartment or whatever, it just wouldn't be worth it. His dad has a big house and we have our privacy but I think it's just the little things that bother me. Living with him day to day just gets on my nerves. We get along just fine, he just grates on my nerves. He's half deaf (can only hear out of one ear) so we constantly have to repeat ourselves and his TV is turned up at almost full blast. Even with our bedroom door down the hall shut we can still hear his TV..Then seems like everytime ya turn around, he's asking questions cause he can't seem to understand anything. He lives in the past and is always talking about his past. Now we don't mind that, but he does this every single day. My husband is the only child so it only makes sense that we are there,really. His dad is getting up in age and really doesn't need to be by himself. But, like I said, it's the little things. He's a good person and I love him but I think I would like him a lot better if we didn't live with him. Does that make sense? Or does it make me sound selfish? Do any of you live with your inlaws or would you if you had to? The only reason we live with him to begin with is because Hurricane Rita destroyed everything we had in Texas and we evacuated here,then he talked us into staying. He had been wanting us there for a long time so I guess this worked for him.
2 people like this
15 responses
@sunshine4 (8709)
• United States
27 Oct 08
It sounds like you have a wonderful father in law. My husband and I moved in with my mother for about 16 months when we were building our house. It wasnt easy! We had a little apartment in the basement, only thing there was no shower so we had to go upstairs for that. The worst part was my sister lived there too, and she has all her comments to my husband and myself.
2 people like this
@sunshine4 (8709)
• United States
27 Oct 08
Sorry,. I forgot to add.....then when we were building our second home, we asked my inlaws if we sold our house before the other was built if we could live with them and they told us no. Now it wouldn't have bothered us at all, but before this my sister in law and her husband and 3 kids lived with my inlaws for about 2 yrs. So just be grateful that your father in law wants you there. I know that his little things are bothersome, but once he is gone, you will miss all of them.
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@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
27 Oct 08
Yes, other people have told me the same thing. Once he is gone you will miss him, but right now...he gets on my nerves. Sometimes it's so bad we have to leave. He is stubborn and can't seem to move into the twentyfirst century. That is what bugs me the most. I guess ya just have to be here to understand.
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10882)
• Canada
28 Oct 08
I hear you! Heck, I know exactly what you're talking about. I have been living with my in laws for the past .... hmmmm almost 20 years.And, no, it's no piece of cake. We made the mistake of buying our house with them. True it's two apartments. But it's still living together as far as I'm concerned. We get called at odd hours to change light bulbs, have them coming up to our apartment when we're not here, come home late at night to find the gate in the backyard locked which doesn't allow us to park the car.. etc. etc. etc...............LOL WHy did we get in such silly situation? I don't even know. They had been asking us for ages to buy a house with them. Their version : It would be nice and it would help us get a house translation: We need your credit because we have none After refusing for so long, I must have had some sort of mental ilness or something that got me accepting and so for the last two decades we have been together. It's not even a case of how much we like each other. They can't stand me. Never did. Specially my mother in law. They badmouth us to friends and family.. but after investing so much in this house we really don't want to let go of it. So unless we can convince them to sell us their part, we're doomed LOL
@sacmom (14315)
• United States
31 Oct 08
20 years??? And I thought I had it bad having lived with my in-laws for almost 10 years. I feel for you arkaf!
1 person likes this
@taripres (1499)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I used to live with the, now, ex in laws! It wasn't all that bad, but I get along better with her parents than she does, still today! They can be overbearing at times, but they mean well so I don't let it get to me, very loving people! Taripre$
@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I'm glad you get along so well with your ex-inlaws! That doesn't happen very often. Have a great day.
@taripres (1499)
• United States
31 Oct 08
Yep, ur right! People think it's kinda weird how I relationship is, but when they're kids involved, I think things should be as civil as possible! Taripre$
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Nov 08
Right now me and my husband are living with his mom. I don't like it considering noone has helped us before and caused us to rely only on us. But I am glad she helped . We live with her because our home was foreclosed on...I lost my job at a dry cleaners cause a girl there wanted the position I had...I think you can guess by now why I want to be my own boss. any ways, she's now on the verge on being laid off by brick street insurance. She's 52 and only worked 2 places her whole life. She's scared, but she says she is glad we live with her. I am 8 months pregnant so I can't do much right now to help, but I clean what I can and sit and talk with her. I only get annoyed at times because I am not use to wispering when I speak to my husband and not use to getting cornered by someone for 5 minutes when I have to go to the bath room asap. But I know it helps us all being together and helping eachother out...so I grit my teeth and bare it. I hate that you lost everything. I know how it feels to not know what to do when you have to start over, not know what will now happen, loose what you worked so hard for and nothing you can do to save it, and then have to start over with what tiny bit you had left. I wish you ALL the best of luck and keep your head up...I remind myself everyday when I cry from the sadness of what we had and feeling ashamed that "It's not why we fall that defines us...it's how we get up from the fall". Your right though it is the little things that gets on our nerves even though we love our in laws. Your doing a wonderful job after the stuff you and your family have been through. Have a good day and lots of fun.
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
12 Nov 08
Thank you for all the kind words. Yes, we have come a long way and have had to restart our lives. I think we did pretty good considering everything, plus we started our own business. I like your quote...thanks for sharing that. Just do what I have learned to do and have patience with your motherinlaw. When you just can't bear to be around her, go to your private space. That's what I do and so far I am not insane from it.. LOL..(altho I'm sure that can be debated!!) Have a great day!!
• United States
9 Nov 08
I don't think it's the mna that bothers you at all, but the situation. Living with in-laws is hard because you're censored on arguments and intimacy. Also, you are limited on privacy. Jst the mere sight of HAVING to see this man day to day would annoy anyone...especially since you don't have to (you're no married to him) and you dont want to. I am going through a similar situation and boy do you have it easy. My husband's father livd with him long before I came along. It worked out for child care because he is a single father. Both men could exist on their own hut it was an easy solution where as free child care was exchanged for free rent. However when we got into a relationship and I moved in the father refused to leave. He is arrogant, rude, outspoken and very filthy...dirty clothes everywhere, doesn't wash his hands, refuses to clean/do dishes, leave the toilet rather nasty looking, wants to control phone/tv, and is quite grumpy all the time. There have been constant arguments as to when we would move out...the house is too small even if he left because I am due to give birth in a couple of months. Right now my husbands three children from a previous marriage share a room with his father! space is so limited that our bedroom is filled with the kids belongings which adds to the intimacy and privacy issues. I am at my wits end and ave threatened to leave my husband if he does not agree to move within the next two months and actively go about it. I realize I have to live with his children and endure the strain of the constant screaming, crying and tantrums but I am not going to live with his father. wyldrose...count your blessings, but it would still be easier if the two of you began saving money so that you can move without any problems soon. that much strain in the house and with your feelings will only start to affect your marriage as it has mine!
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
12 Nov 08
I'm sorry about your situation. I hope your husband comes to his senses soon!! Surely he realizes the stress and strain this is on you. We live in a big house and it's just the three of us so we have our privacy. If it were feasable for us, we would move but at the moment it is not. I do love my fatherinlaw and know he would do anything for me and my husband. I'm sure if I let the "little things" slide more, I would be much happier. Good luck with your life and I sure hope things work out for the better for you and your family.
@Bebs08 (10689)
• United States
3 Nov 08
Well, for me, I would not want to live with my in laws. Yes, you are right!!! even how kind our in laws are, there are little things that bother us. I understand what you said that you love your father in law and maybe love him more if you did not live with them just because of little things that are annoying. That's right!!! sometimes little things can turned us off. That is why no body would advice to live with in laws for a long time. Maybe for few days or weeks for a visit but not the whole duration.
@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
12 Nov 08
I agree with you..not the whole duration!! But I don't have that much of a choice as it is not that feasable for me to move out at the moment. We are renting a building for our business and we cannot afford to do both, rent a place to live and our business too. It's going to work out eventually.. lol... Thanks for the comment and have a great day.
@Lindalinda (4112)
• Canada
28 Oct 08
It sounds like you have a very decent father in-law. He offered you a place to live when circumstances beyond your control destroyed everything you had. Sure there are little irritants. Some of them you can ignore, some of them you can rectify. For instance he can get a hearing aid or you can get one of those devices that amplifies the sound. Same idea, you put a little microphone in your ear.Explain to him that the loud TV disturbs you, even with your door closed.Old people live in the past and they tell you the same stories 1000 times. Just nod your head and let it go by. You will be old too, one day. You could also find out if there are Seniors Day programs in your area. Maybe he would enjoy some of the activities there. When you get old it is only natural that you want to be with or near your children. He could sell his big house and you could buy a sem-detached house, one half for him, one half for yourselves. You could still look after his needs, have your meals together but then retreat to your own place. I am getting on in age. I am a senior citizen and have one son. We live in the same area, about 3/4 hours streetcar ride for me. I visit them often but I surely would not want to live with them. I can tell I get on their nerves at times, just as they get on my nerves even though they care for me and I care for them. It is the little habits that grate on a person's nerves. I already pay for help to come in to do certain tasks for me which I can no longer do myself even though I am on a limited income. When the time comes I will sell my condo and move into assisted living quarters, although I hope I can stay on my own for a long time yet.
@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
28 Oct 08
Yes, he is a pretty good fatherinlaw, except for the little things.. lol.. I wish I could count the number of times my husband and I have tried to get him to get a hearing aid. He does have headphones for his TV but doesn't use them very often. And I wish I could count the number of times we have tried to get him to get out and mingle with the seniors his age and go to the Adult day care and meet people. He just will not do anything. The only thing he does is sit in his recliner and watch old movies. My husband and I have to literally give him something to do to get him moving about some. He's not depressed or anything and he's in good health...he's just lazy, pure and simple. We have all of our meals together, we even go out to eat on occasion. He is very capable of taking care of himself but we just can't get him motivated. He does go out and mow the grass with his rider in the summertime and takes care of his dogs but wintertime is coming and we are going to have a hard time figuring out something for him to do. It's a shame, really, for him to waste what is left of what could be a good life for him. He has no one to blame but himself. I even clean up after him. We have gotten on to him about that but he still leaves his crumbs and trash out. He's like a little kid sometimes, I swear. I commend you for living on your own and I hope, too, that you can stay on your own for a long time to come. And I hope you make good use of your time as well. Thanks for commenting and have a great day.
• Philippines
28 Oct 08
I agree that living with your in-laws is not an easy situation. I have been living with my mother-in-law for 4 years now. The first few years are ok but lately i have been noticing some changes in her behavior. She's in-charge with the household chores and it seems that she's been too lazy to perform all the works and just wanted to go out and mingle with the neighbors. She passed on all her obligations to my sister-in-law.
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
28 Oct 08
Maybe it all has to do with age? Maybe she figures if you and your sisterinlaw do all the chores and take care of things, she can mingle more with her friends?
@Nhey16 (2519)
• Philippines
28 Oct 08
both my in-laws are already deceased so i dont know how it feels to live with in-laws...
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I'm sorry about your inlaws. Thanks for responding. Have a great day.
@Holv03 (535)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I honestly think that the best thing to do is actually live with your couple by your self because your inlaws could be great people and everything but when it comes to relationship and if you live in there house they will always get involve in the relationship no matter what. I have had an experience living with the inlaws and i honestly regret it because they get too involved in the relationship and is something that could actually hurt the relationship in a lot of different ways because they will always want to be involve in it.
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I agree, it is best to live by yourself and if it were feasible for me, that's what I would be doing. My fatherinlaw doesn't interfere in my relationship with my husband, which is great so I don't have to worry about that. Thanks for the comment..have a great day.
@lingli_78 (12844)
• Australia
28 Oct 08
that's why i never want to stay with my in-laws and prefer just to stay by ourselves (me and my hubby)... it can be very frustruating if you live with your in-laws and meet them everyday... i don't even want to live with my brother's family... he asks me to share a house with him to cut down on the expenses... i refused... it is very hard when 2 family live together and i prefer to spend a little bit more money and have more privacy... take care and have a nice day...
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
28 Oct 08
Thank you..and yes, it can be very frustrating. But it is something I am dealing with. Thank you for your comment.
@marisriel (1157)
• Philippines
28 Oct 08
I think this is my perfect timing to take out all the rants that I have inside me because of living with my in laws. We lived in an apartment for five years and when we tried to transfer to another bigger apartment, we were robbed of all our things before we finished our first month. We had to start again from scratch so we had to live with my in laws. I thought it was going to be easy at first like everyone does. My mother in law was okay, the father tolerable, but the sister in law was kinda not okay. She had to check on everything including my kids' nannies behavior and that made my nannies back out. Because of that, I was forced to resign from my work of six years. All the pressures, I can't take them anymore. Now, I am working hard at home to earn and save so I can put up a business and try to transfer to yet another house where we can live on our own.
@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
28 Oct 08
I'm so sorry to hear about your problems. I hope things work out for you and you can get your own house. I wish you all the best.
• United States
27 Oct 08
When I married my first husband we moved in with his parents who were also up in age, to save money for our first home. And your right day to day, it really tends to grate on your nerves. I got pregnant and we ended up moving out, a couple of months before I was due, and wouldn't you know it, his parents moved into our apartment complex about 2 doors over. Turned out it was really nice to have them that close, my daughter was really fussy and most days for the first 4 months or so, it was all I could do to get her fed, let alone us, lol....his mom cooked our meals without complaint and even held Izzy so I could eat!!
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
28 Oct 08
It sounds like everything worked out in your favor! Good for you! I wish you all the best in the future....
• India
27 Oct 08
I know it is not easy to live with in-laws pecially for a woman. I personally believe that proximity breeds contempt. A little gap is essential to maintai respect. Onemay stay a block away but must stay away. evey one like sot live independently an dlikes to live his life the way he likes. living with someone alwasy puts a strain on us. if you cnhelp it you must moe out on your own. it does not matter if yo take a small palce initially, you can shift to a bigger appartment later as yor financial strength improves.
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@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
27 Oct 08
There is no contempt on my part. I love my fatherinlaw and can do whatever I want to do and do it however I want to do it. He absolutly can live his life the way he wants, and he does. In my original post, I explained why it wouldn't be feasable for us to move out. Thanks for the response.
@fasttalker (2797)
• United States
27 Oct 08
It's hard for any adults to live in the same household. Fortunately I have never lived with my inlaws or parents since I have been married. My sister moved in with my parents during and after her divorce and it was like that. She said it was just the little things that really bugged her. She would come and spend a few nights with me just to get away for a few days. Then I had my parents on the other side asking me if someting was wrong since my sister came to my house. All I can say is I am so glad that is over with! LOL I don't make a good middle man. With your father in-law and him being older maybe you could get him interested in an Ault Day care. They do all kinds of activities with older people. This might give you the break you need too. I'm sure they are available around you, check them out and then plan your strategy to approach him with the idea. Good Luck!
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@Wyldrose (1216)
• United States
27 Oct 08
We do have an adult day care right here in town but he won't go. In fact, he won't do anything. He doesn't associate with many people. He usually won't do anything except plant his butt in his recliner and watch old movies all day. We literally have to give him something to do in order to get him up and moving. He has no health problems, it's just all pure laziness and stubborness on his part. Trying to get him to get out and socialize is like pulling teeth.