Married and in love with someone else...
November 2, 2008 8:00pm CST
Before I got married seven years ago, I met this wonderful woman (let's call her Janice). We hit it off immediately and needless to say, I fell in love with her. I nearly broke off my engagement with my fiance but I hadn't had the courage to do so because the marriage preparation was well on its way (add to the fact that we've been boyfriend-girlfriend for the past 4 years meaning I'm already dead committed). Also, I didn't know if Janice felt the same way. To make the story short, I got married and remained friends with Janice, without my wife knowing it. I intentionally didn't introduce her to my wife to avoid complications. Until now, I've kept communicating with Janice (she's still single) and through the years, I've got to know her better and I fell for her even more. It's painfully hard. Every single day is am emotional torture (being in love with someone else). Anyway, about a year ago, since I cannot conceal it anymore, I told Janice how I felt. The whole shebang! But I made it clear to her that I didn't expect anything in return. I am married, I have a family. I have no intention of having a romantic relationship with her. I just had to tell her how I feel because if I didn't, I will go insane. She didn't say how she felt about it (I kinda pre-empt her I guess), she just said, "if only". "If only" I was free. A couple of days after that, we sent nothing in our emails but lyrics of songs about lost loves ("Secret Lovers", "It's Hard to Belong", "Be My Number Two", etc). Back and forth. I'll send one and she'll send one back, with the same themed song. We're still communicating until now. She's now in Dubai working. Still unmarried. And, my love for her is stronger than ever. A love that won't find its home. Emotional torture. Every single day. Every single minute.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Nov 08
It sounds to me like you have quite a predicament. It is hard to keep your mind focused on your marriage when you mind and heart want to be elsewhere, especially when your reason for wanting to be somewhere else is because of feeling for someone else or wondering what might be or might have been. I spend a lot of my days wondering what might have been in more than one aspect of my life, but I have stayed in my marriage for almost eight years. I stay because I know the grass isn't as green on the other side as it may appear. I stay because I know that the love my wife and I have is not something you can get overnight. I stay because I have put a lot of time, effort, and money into making our life what it is today. I guess I will never know the answer to what might have been in several areas of my life. I know that I can never look back with regret....I can't tell you how to handle your situation, but I can tell you to really take stock of your life before you make a decision that can change your life forever. You definitely did the right thing by intentionally keeping her from meeting your wife. I don't think I would ever allow that to happen. It will only serve to complicate things. There are definitely people from my past that I hope my wife never meets...
3 Nov 08
Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it. You're right, it's really hard to focus. It's doubly hard. It would've been a lot easier to handle problems at home if my love for my wife is stronger than it is. Love really makes it a lot easier. In my case, I have to exert more effort to handle trivial things. That's where the some of the torture comes from actually. But don't get me wrong. I have no plans of breaking up my marriage. That's why I'm taking it all in. That's why I'm suffering. Getting out is easier but I don't want that. I think it's a selfish move. The moment I decided to get married is the moment I decided that I would have to endure the suffering. I've told all of this to Janice. Maybe that's one of the reasons why she's still communicating with me. Somehow, getting in touch with her eases some of the pain. And she knows that. Thanks for the advice.
3 Nov 08
I think it is best for you to stop keeping in touch with her. You already have a family and you should take full responsibility for your mistake (to get married even though you know you don't love your wife anymore). You need to be fair to your wife. If you still keep in touch with her, it will become worse. So, stop now and concentrate on your family. At least, that's what I will do.
• United Arab Emirates
10 May 09
Hey fornits, Im 28 and live in Dubai, and would really appreciate if i could speak wih Janice. If you could forward me her email or number at email@example.com i'd be very grateful. Im going through the exact same thing she did with you and it would be great if i could speak with her and gain a few words of wisdom on my current situation: I was engaged to be married to some at 21 and my fiance left me for another lady he fell in love with a month before our wedding, and it took me years to get over it. And now after 7 years, I finally met someone else, and find myself in the same triangle except for this time im the other woman and not the fiance. I had to do the hardest thing by walking away and cutting off all ties as it would be selfish on me to subject another woman to something painful as I have witnessed in the past. I have been desperately trying to move on and live my life as if it never happened but every single day is an emotional torture. Would really like to talk to someone who has been through something similar to help move on to a much better state of mind. Natasha
• United States
20 Mar 09
I have a similar issue. I met a wonderful guy 18 years ago. Wonderful, single, but with issues. He was a friend of my brothers so we have had many times when we have gotten together. We have somewhat kept in touch over the years but never really dated. I last seen him in Jan of '04. I got married in '05 to a guy i've known since high school, so we have alot of memories of the past to share. Our families all know each other and our family functions are great. However, the spark in our marriage started to die out about a year ago. Then several months ago out of the blue i received a text message from the other guy. We have talked alot on the phone and really gotten to know each other. We have consciously avoided seeing each other but feel we are at a place to mover forward. I find myself head over hills again. Like you, i would never introduce my husband to him and when he comes up in conversation he is referred to as my brothers friend. I don't think i would be drifting back that direction if my marriage was stronger. I have conversations with my husband about lack of intimacy and communication and he blows it off. I even tried getting him to go to a weekend marriage seminar at our church and he thought i was crazy. My response to you is end the contact with Janice.....she has nothing to lose and neither does my other guy for that matter. But if you absolutely can't you need to tell your wife. She doesn't really deserve being betrayed even if she doesn't know it. You never know, it may make your marriage alot stronger and happier for the long haul. Good luck to you.