Breaking up is hard to do

United States
November 28, 2008 7:36pm CST
I've been w/ my boyfriend fo 4 years we have a 2 year old together and I have been trying to make it work, but I am so not happy. He is everything I DON'T want in a man. I know I can do better but 4 years?! This is hard for me but I really feel that it needs to dissipate at this time. I feel bad b/c he still wants it to work and he places guilt trips on me. It's to the point where I give him the silent treatment and i dread coming home. My family is just plain sick of him but they only "give their advice" but I know everybody is like....why the hell is she with him? He's by far a very handsome guy, but that's where it ends. I feel like he fooled me and lied to me. He was a facade and although I'll get over it, 4 years and the only thing good was a beautiful son. Please, everybody tell me what should I do? He's told me that he was leaving but he's said that b4 if I start being cordial (which it's hard for me not to), he'll brush it off and the cycle will begin again. And get this he's not cheating women is not the problem, it just many more combined like his lack of being a provider and lead as a man should kinda thing going on here. I need some opinions Thanks all are appreciated.
1 person likes this
14 responses
@spalladino (17925)
• United States
29 Nov 08
The MAIN thing you have to think about is your son. If you seriously see no future with this guy then you need to make sure that you are in a position to take care of him yourself since your boyfriend has already proven that he's not a good provider. It's good that you have family...I'm sure they will help you...because this child deserves a stable home. Whatever you decide to do, you have to stick to it...you can't flip flop back and forth...it's not fair to your son.
1 person likes this
@caskins (689)
• United States
30 Nov 08
hello my fellow myLotter, think of your son first. if you think it won't get any better then you should move on. don't let that man bring you down any longer. take control of yourself and your son. it's not worth it. God will bless you with a good man. it will all play out. kick him to the curb. take care.
• United States
30 Nov 08
I was kind of in a similiar situation about 5 years ago. But, I was on the opposite side of the spectrum. My so called boyfriend was cheating on me. We were seeing each other off and on for 3 years. I had a feeling this was going on, but I couldn't accuse because I had no proof. Instead of finishing school he dropped out and joined the Navy, which I accepted. I thought things were good considering the long distance relationship. But his cheating continued and caught up with him. It produced a baby girl. He kept it from me for a year before he told me. I tried to work things out because I loved him and I still wanted to be with him (dumb uh). But he chose them over me. He felt like he needed to be with his family. To add to the cake, I found out he was also married to the girl. So not only was I a fool but I was a fool sleeping with a married man. This crushed me. So, I made a decision that tore me apart, I left him. I felt like it was time to think of myself and not him. It was time for me to heal and find someone who would love me like I deserved. The killing part is he told me that this other woman was more special because I couldn't give him all what she gave him. My point is "What do you want and need?" "What is right for you and your chld?" If he can't step up to the plate and be a man, then leave his behind. But make sure he takes care of his son. Think about yourself first and don't stay in a relationship for your childs sake. As long as your child knows who his daddy is and his daddy supports him that is all that matters. You have to be happy too. I truly feel that is one mistake parents make, staying with someone because of their children and they are miserable throughout the whole relationship. You need happiness too. Sorry for the long response.
@reasco1 (299)
• United States
29 Nov 08
Dear VDukes2781, you need to go to God he will guide you to where you need to be with this man. He wants you to be happy and you must want to be happy don't hang around it will never get better, trust me I know I've been seeing the same women off and on for 16 years and now that we are so-called ingaged our relationship is worse now she never has time for me I'm the last person she seems to want to be with. After all this time I still love he but I love myself more. I'm going to leave it in Gods hands and let go. Maybe you should do the same, don't be afraid have faith God will be there with you. Hope you have a blessed holiday season.
@BubblyIan (751)
29 Nov 08
Heh - life is not perfect, partners are not perfect. He si prepared to work at the relationship so why not try mediation and see if you can get through this. Children need both parents. You should give it another go for the sake of your child at the very least. It is horrible for kids when their parents separate and very damaging for them not to have both parents fully involved in their lives. Why should he be the provider? Relationships are about the two of you providing. Male and female roile models are out of date and you should not be guided by stereotytpical past roles. You should see what works for you. maybe he is the better carer for your children. Maybe you can earn more - great so what if it is different to others. if it works for you great! Give it another chance for the sake of your child.
• United States
29 Nov 08
Honestly, I think now would be the best time to get out of the relationship. If you absolutely feel that he is not the right one for you than leave. But if you feel that there is at least some hope than I suggest counseling. Try to tell him what is bothering you and ask him what bothers him about you. It would be an easier decision if there wasn't a child involved. Good Luck on your decision!
@subha12 (18453)
• India
29 Nov 08
it is true. all the emotions are still there. so it must be very hard breaking up.plus there are so many memories that gives pain. but live moves on.
• Philippines
29 Nov 08
I'm pretty sure you'll get over it very soon, just focus yourself and to your son needs, and yah your doing the right thing your boyfriend doesn't deserved you. You deserve someone better but next time you have to be careful, learn from your mistakes . For me it's not right that we let our hearts roll over our mind. Remember that God put our head above our heart so weigh everything my dear and don't forget to ask for Gods guidance and protection. Good luck....
29 Nov 08
Is he working at all or contributing anything? If not then its time to cut and run. You see some people r like that especially guys that r good looking and have a nice body. Because they dont think u can find better then they r and they dont u to be happy, that goes for women too. They do the same thing the ones that got it good think they are better then other people. You have to make a decision thats good for u and ur son. I hope u make the logical decision.
@mrsjbelle (1641)
• United States
29 Nov 08
This is one of the hardest situations to deal with. It's almost a daily struggle. Your right breaking up is hard to do. No matter how you slice it there will be at least some pain involved. 4 years is a long time but you cannot be unhappy the rest of your life. Only you can decide when you have had enough. I wish you the best of luck.
• United States
29 Nov 08
Go with your heart I do know you on a personally level but if you feel like crap all the time it is not worth staying. I will say this you know maybe you could try consuleing you do have a son and you might want to think about his feelings as well. I am not stay for him but maybe if you guys could talk things through it might patch it up. Also I wanted to say as far as providing I do not know all the issues but right now it is hard to find a job and money is not everything. This is all my opinion on from what you said this is how I feel about this. I hope this might help, I will pray for your issues.
@Ladybugs (404)
• Philippines
29 Nov 08
4 years is already long,i think you should help one another to make your relationship work. You both have your son, if you love your son, don't let go of his father. Just see the positive things about your boyfriend. Just make yourself comfortable with him. Just think of the bright sides. He became your boyfriend because you have feelings for him at the start right? Just think of those and learn to love him again if the feeling is gone already. Just help yourself to remember the feelings you had for him. If you want to be happy, help yourself. Know what you want. Have a nice day.
• United States
29 Nov 08
I was in a situation similar to this a couple of years ago. I was with my ex, we'll call him Matt for 4 years. We started dating when I was 17... he was 24. We were engaged twice, once when I was 18 (turned 19 the next month) and the second time when I was 21. He would always make me feel guilty for anything I wanted to do. I went to college an hour from where he lived and when I went out with my friends, he would always make me feel bad about it. I would seriously get phone calls ever 1/2 hour asking me where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, and when I was going home. I would answer them all, but then 1/2 an hour later, I would get the same phone call. I started lying to him saying I was going to bed when I was really going out. I met my now fiance Michael in August of 2006 and ended up breaking up with Matt in November of 2006. I had been having so many doubts, as you are having, and meeting Michael helped me get out of it. I'll be completely honest with you. This is the one time you really need to be selfish. Not just for you, but for your son as well. He may be young, but a child can sense when things aren't right. If you don't want to be with him you shouldn't. You have to think of whats best for you and your son and if you feel like he is not being the father or "husband" that you need then you already have your answer... it's time to make a break. You cannot think of how it will make him feel or how it's going to make your family feel. That's what I finally had to tell my mom when I called off my engagement for the second time... This is the one time I HAVE to be selfish! I cannot continue in a relationship nor can I marry a man that I am not in love with. I cannot think about how you feel or how he feels. I have to think about how I feel, and if I don't want to be with him then I'm not going to be with him. I know how you feel (well minus the child) and believe me, you have to put yourself and your son first. You cannot make a relationship/marriage work just because of the children. Like I said, they can tell when mom isnt happy. I hope this helps...
• Malaysia
29 Nov 08
I know its really hard to decide but believe me, its better to let go the relationship rather than being stressed and not happy all the way. Its the sacrifice you has to make. Don't not cling to someone unless you know it's rock solid. I know its really hard to accept or being in situation where you had to break up with a few years relationship behind but that the way it is.You'll get over it in time. For now let just focus on your future since he doesn't helped you in it at all. By the way just hang in there till the right moment girl.