The Holiday Phone Call from My DAD

United States
December 26, 2008 12:30am CST
I wish the topic could be EX-FAMILY instead of family because I no longer have a father. He is no longer welcomed in my home, welcomed in my life and I do not believe in disposing of family members but this time I have to get rid of him. I started a discussion a few weeks ago that something may be wrong with my grand baby. They found something wrong in its brain, there my be a cyst in this brain. Well my twin sister innocently told our dad. He called me Christmas Eve and shocked me to no end. He asked me how my son's girl friend was and I said fine. He said "Tea WHAT is wrong with the baby? So I explained it to him. Well he went off on me. I sure hope you all are sitting down because this is the worst thing he has ever said to me. He said "tell the girlfriend is to have an abortion now! if there is any chance that baby may be a slight bit retarded then tell her to abort that baby now! I will not have a retarded child in my family!" If she goes ahead and has that baby then YOU go out and put it down" Yes you are reading this right he wants my son's girlfriend to abort the baby now that she is 7 months along because he thinks there may be a chance the baby MAYbe retarded or he wants me to put the baby down like you go kill a dog. I will tell you when he said "I will not have a retarded child in my family" just told me that he does not want to be in my family. No doctor has said that this baby may be retarded and so what if he is, he will still be prefect to me. He will still be loved and cared for my me and his parents. This tells you how much dad cares for human life, this also tells you a little of how we where raised. I hate the son of a bi%tch and I hope to never see him again. I will not be speaking to him again. He is dead to me, I can no sooner put him down let alone an innocent child. The worst thing was I had to go and pretend to be happy with 30 guests here. My husband knew I was upset. All's I said was "my dad is a mean son of a bi*tch and I hate him. and I can not talk about it." I then had to peel potatoes and try not to cry. I pulled off dinner and then after everyone went to bed I broke down and cried. My dad had the balls to call my older sister and tell her what he said to me. She got into an argument with him and told him off. She then called me and and wanted to check and make sure how I was doing. I started to cry and she was crying also, we have both decided dad needs not to have anything to do with this baby. She wanted to let me know that she loves me and no matter what she loves the baby. I am so sorry if I ruined your Christmas. I am so upset I needed to vent. What would you guys do if your father said something like that? Would you disown him? Thanks for listening.
8 people like this
17 responses
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
26 Dec 08
I am so very sorry to know that your father said such a thing about your grandchild. As sensitive as I am, I probably would have ended up in the psych ward if my father said a thing like that. I know that you are longing to hold and love this precious baby, know matter what. I would not allow what he said to hurt you, though I know that it is much different when you are on the outside looking in. Can you look at it from an old mans perspective, just for a minute. I know that this is no excuse. But he comes from an era where when a man gave birth, he walked around with his chest poked out and held his head up high. Sure, it was a silly pride thing, but this is how they felt. Now, we just see them as silly old fools. I think that you can find it in your heart to forgive your dad, but I would not mention the baby to him ever again. Unless, he sincerely thinks this over and apologizes, he has lost his rights to be the great-grandfather of this baby. I will be praying that this baby is born healthy. Stay strong.
2 people like this
• United States
26 Dec 08
I am not in a position to forgive him as of yet but some day I will. I will not let him have anything to do with this child. Growing up if we did anything wrong we got beaten but also we where threaten by him to be kicked out of the house. We did not know if we had a roof over our head or not from one minute to the next. If he was in a good mood he would fine but holy hell would break if he and a bad day. I will tell you it had nothing to do with substance abuse nor bipolar disorder. It is just pure meanness. He is in tolerable to anything that is not prefect nor if anyone does not act the way he thinks your should. Well the hell with him, he can go shrivel up and die alone that mean old man that he is. I am tried of the abuse. He has done one to many things to me growing up he will not do nor say anything to my son and his baby. I know my dad if he ever see's the baby and the baby is not perfect in dad's eye's dad will tell my son and his girlfriend. "This would not have happened if you would have aborted it like I told your mother to tell you to do." I am sorry for the old me he has made his bed and he can lie in it.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
27 Dec 08
I know only a little of what you are experiencing. I have come across quite a few people who were just so mean that it was overwhelming for me to be around them. It sounds to me like both of your parents had some mental issues. I can not same that I blame you for being angry or wanting to protect your family from this man. I dealt with someone once who hurt me so bad that I told her, the only way for me to forgive you is if you are no longer a part of my life. I do not know if God agrees with that kind of attitude. I had never said that to anyone before. I kept trying to forgive, but the anger would resurface again later on and I would get angry for the same thing all over again. I ran into this person at church. I smiled back at her when she smiled at me, but then she left. I know that in my heart I am willing to forgive, but the pain just seems so deep. I have learned a lot more about forgiveness since then, but I will never know if I have truly forgiven her in my heart. It is not an easy thing to do when the pain runs very deep. Still, this is your father and I hope that one day you guys can reconcile.
2 people like this
• United States
27 Dec 08
I have talked to my twin and am not mad at her, I was angry and did not want to speak to her because of what dad did. I know it is not her fault but it hurts. She apologized and I feel better. What she told dad was "Dad there may be something wrong with the baby and could you call her and be a dad and support her." Well he gave the wrong kind of support.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (60894)
• United States
26 Dec 08
Yes. Block his phone number, don't answer if he calls or comes by. Don't tell him, or anyone that might still be speaking to him anything. If he makes a pest of himself, put a restraining order on him.
2 people like this
• United States
26 Dec 08
Have you ever head of such hatefulness? I knew he use to be so bad I just have not seen it in several years.
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (60894)
• United States
26 Dec 08
No, I haven't. I know of a few families that are bad, but that is beyond bad.
2 people like this
• United States
27 Dec 08
Elic I have said I would never turn my back on a family member well I was wrong. When one family member tells another member to murder a child then they have gone too far. I draw the line and refuse to have anything to do with them ever again.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17690)
• United States
26 Dec 08
Hi tea~ I am so sorry that your so called "father" said that to you. He is not someone that I would want to call my dad either! How dare he say something so cold and heartless about a child that would be his own grandchild! To put a child down? Like you put an animal down? What kind of animal is he, and I hate to even compare him to an animal because animals are better than him! I hated my father for alot of reasons so I sure wouldn't blame you for hating someone who is so sick and unfeeling as to say what he said about an unborn child! I would never speak to him ever again! How could he do that to you, and on Christmas! You should have hung up on him! No one will blame you for turning your back on him forever! Tea, you are too good a person to have someone like that for a parent!
• United States
27 Dec 08
He was raised by mean parents and it never left him. My mom is the same way. My sisters and I are not like this at all. We are all loving and kind people. We all broke the cycle of abuse. I will not tell my kids what that mean son of a bi*tch said and I will not let them or let him have anything to do with him. To tell you the truth he never has had a relationship with his grand children so why start now. He says he was so "Looking forward to becoming a great grandfather" Like hell he was he just was looking for a reason not to have anything to do with this child. I can be like an old mother bear and go into protection mode if I have to and I do have to from him. Thanks for your kind words. Some day when you want to talk about it you can tell me why you hate the man how was your sperm drone.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
26 Dec 08
First of all you have not ruined mine at all and you know if I was at Home I would be calling you As far as I am concerned your Dad has nothing to with you or your Family anymore, no one has the right to say such a thing, that is the worse anyone can say Even if the Baby is Healthy do not let him see the little Darling As far as I am concerned if anyone would say that to me Family or not I would not want anything to do with them ever again so Sweetie stop being upset now and enjoy your Family and as always you stand by them and love them, you are a very special Person and I am wondering if you have been adopted as hearing about your Mum and Dad I can not believe that you are their Child Sweetie And you know that I love you Dearly and of course the little Sweet Baby is close to my Heart as it is part of you and your Family Lots of Love to you all and Gissi says Hugs and Love to Petie (why was he not on the Computer last Night , Daisy ( who aparently should have been there to) Abagail and Sammy
2 people like this
@msmell (1378)
• Australia
26 Dec 08
No I total agree with you! I would have done the same thing as you and to me it is he who should been put down like a dog not a poor innocent little baby!!!!!!! This is his great grand children and a normal man would love the child no matter what!!!! And in this day and age the Doctor's do some fantastic things and nothing is beyond them any more, so when the baby is born and if there is a cyst then hopefully they will be able to remove it and I bet after that is done that you wouldn't even know that there was anything wrong in the first place. Anyway I am crossing my fingers for you and praying for your grandson that he is born very healthy.
2 people like this
• United States
26 Dec 08
Thanks, you are right he is the one who is needs to be put down. I am not going to let him poison his grandchildren nor his great grand children. When I was pregnant with my daughter my mom wanted me to abort her. Mom told me she resented me making her a grand mother. I vowed I would not subject my children to my parents hate and I did not always keep true to my promise but he crossed the line. He cut to deep with this one.
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
27 Dec 08
I had to think alot on this one. I cannot believe that he asked you to put that baby down. I do think that people are afraid of what is not normal to them. It was horrible the way he handled it. I would try one more time to talk with him, after you have calmed down. I would see if he is still as bitter and try to explain things again. If he still has the same bitterness, I would just speak up and tell them that you have no control over what life is dealing you and you will deal with it as it happens. That he can accept and help everyone deal with things or he can just go his own way and act as his family does not exist, because no matter what is going on with this baby, it will be accepted and loved. People deal with things so differently. Do not write him off yet. As I said before, men have a real hard time dealing with their feelings and saying what they really mean. Give him a chance to make things right. If you cannot talk with him, write him a letter. He may still turn his back on you, and don't get your hopes up, but give him the chance. Everyone deals differently, and some just get stupid, and do come around. I hope that is the case. As I have told you, I am always available if you need to talk. Hopefully, there will be nothing to talk about, but don't keep it all inside.
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
27 Dec 08
Then knowing what you do, I would just tell him to stay away. Don't let those words bother you and look to people that will support you. It sounds like he should have been put in his place long ago.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Dec 08
You know I did not have the courage before. I do know, I so wanted a father to love me and accept me for who I am and what I do. He was beginning to do that at least that is what he was telling me. Now I do not know if he is capable of love. I will accept that we are different people and I do not need his negativity in my life and will refuse to take his calls or letter. I do now think he will ever write me a letter because he never has before. Thank God he lives two states away and I do not have to deal with the thought of running into him on the street.
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
28 Dec 08
I am really glad you won't have to deal with him on a day to day basis. He is far enough away, that you won't have to acknowledge his ignorance. I wish you all the best.
1 person likes this
@skysuccess (8881)
• Singapore
26 Dec 08
teapotmommommerced, I am sorry that your sister and you are going through this ordeal on this holiday occasion and I hope that all of you have gotten a hold of yourselves here. As much as I can understand of the emotional outburst here over your father, I just wish to remind you that you cannot ignore the fact and disown him as your father. In the first place, who does not err and who doesn't seem insensitive at times? We are all simply humans. I can understand that there is some insensitivity over your dad's point of view here regarding your sister's unborn. However, if you would look into it from another angle, I think he has his other concerns. Can you think of any? Well, at the moment I could and that is if the child is to be born retarded, then there will be a lot of burden to raise this child and his/her future. It can be quite a toll to your sister's family and would be quite a strain on her family's financial well being. I do not think I need to elaborate just how expensive medical expenses are getting about nowadays. Also, this child might not even be able to attend normal school and putting up in a special school may not seem viable for her family too. I think your dad is desperately trying to make the both of you see this point here, that the road to raise this child is both hard and long. If her family is well to do, then I am sure there will not be any issues. I think he has come from a long road to tell the both of you. I do not think that it is any easier on and for him. I hope that the both of you will put the emotions aside and think objectively for your father. I do not think he meant to be insensitive. It is just frightening how harsh realities of life can be to those who are ill prepared and stubbornly ignorant. Take care and compliments of the season.
• United States
26 Dec 08
It is not her sisters grandchild from what I understand it is her son's baby her grandchild. Her sister is just adding her support in the situation since the father yelled at her about the baby also. As far as expenses go every child comes with expenses. there is help when it comes to medical expenses. And that is certainly no excuse for his inhuman veiwpoint and feelings towards this unborn child.
2 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
27 Dec 08
As a parent with a special child, I would think that if he is trying to get some points across, he would have been more subtle and sat down at a table and discussed his concerns. I do not consider my son a hardship, and the medical expenses we do get help with. I do think that the mother and father are facing some difficult decisions, that they together need to talk through and be supported on their decisions. They have a little bit of time to prepare themselves for whatever may be, which hopefully is nothing. I am not sure how I would have dealt with it, if my Grandparent had said something like that. We had many round table meetings and still do. I need the support from people that are there for me, they may not have the answers, but respect what we decide. If he cannot come around, and apologize, he should not be part of the family anymore. It is sad that a person could even expect another to put another down, because of an imperfection.
2 people like this
• United States
27 Dec 08
sky in my opinion you do not get an abortion because the child may or may not be retarded. The abortion he suggested was saline abortion and is against the law in the USA at 7 months gestation unless there is something really, really wrong and I am not sure what the law is then. I do not believe you give up on human life because they are not perfect or not what you expect from them. This is the type of crap I was raised with and I will not put up with it any more. I know what he meant there was not concern for my or my son's well being it was all on how it would reflect to him. I say "He is a mean old man and will die that way." Dad is not trying to make me see the point of what it may or may not be like to take care of a retarded child. I am an RN and I know what it is like, I have seen and helped families take care of loved ones who cannot care for themselves. I have taken care of my mom for 17 years I know the stress, the worry. Granted she has lived and can do some for her self but she is like a child when it comes to doing certain things for herself. Human life is to precious to just be put down like a dog, which in my book is murder. Thouro thanks for your comments. I am glad you have the support of your family. It means a lot that you can have the family discussions and know they are on your side.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11649)
• United States
2 Jan 09
Oh my gosh!!! That's horrible! I don't know how I would have handled his comments, other than tell him he's a bigoted fool and I'd rather have a "retard" in my family than HIM! Try not to let his actions affect yours. You're still the better person and he's not worth any more tears!!
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jan 09
You did not see my discussion regarding I am still hurting over it. It just brings up all the negative memories of what I lived through as a child. WELL no more! I will not be subjected to his bigotry any longer. I did tell my husband today and he agrees dad is no longer in our lives. he says dad is sick which he is but he has been all his life. To think that a baby's life as the same worth as a dog's.
1 person likes this
@reinydawn (11649)
• United States
3 Jan 09
I'm trying to catch up on all my friends discussions... It really does amaze me sometimes how some peoples brains work...
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jan 09
Me too. I say I am better with it. I can talk about it with out crying but it still hurts to the core and I have been so depressed since then. I just brought up all the old wounds and I need to stuff them away again. I have dealt with them but sometimes they come back and bite me in the butt. Something is going on with mom she is playing games again. I do not trust her and I do not know what is going on. She has called me two times in the last two day.
@sweetdesign (5151)
• United States
26 Dec 08
Oh you poor thing! Your father is a hateful S*B!! I don't understand some people that baby is innocent. I believe that God chooses special families for special children he must have been looking at you and your sister and the babies parents to be when he made his choice. I know that you will shield and protect this sweet innocent baby from his ogre of a great grandfather. I don't blame you for writing him out of your life I would too.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Dec 08
Oh I meant to add that our prayers and thoughts are with you all.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Dec 08
Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I do believe he will be fine. We call him peanut because the mom says he looked like a peanut in his first sonogram.
@MsTickle (24994)
• Australia
2 Jan 09
Bash me if you want but have you ever considered it is your Dad who needs your prayers and love???
• United States
2 Jan 09
You are absolutely right. I have been praying and asking God to let me forgive him. I just cannot be around his negativity nor let someone be around my grandchild.
1 person likes this
@reshadar (112)
• United States
1 Jan 09
1st of all, I am totally pro-choice, but not at 7 months along! Now - as far as your father is concerned, he is ignorant, thoughtless, and a bunch of other words that I can't use here. To say that a child is not welcome if there is something even slightly wrong with him, is outrageous! He wont have a retarded child in HIS family? Well, he's right, because by saying that, it seems that he has shut himself out of YOUR family. So pathetic. I'm sorry - I know it's your father and even though he's completely wrong, it may still be hard to hear other people speak badly of him? I don't know, of course - maybe this is just the tip of the iceberg? Does he have a history of being like this? And on top of that, he really suggested that YOU kill the child if all else fails Wow! It's amazing to me that in this day and age, mental illness and retardation are things that some people view as so vile that they would rather have a serial killer in their family rather than a mentally ill chiild. Amazing. You, teapotmom, sound like you have your values straight - you sound like a very loving woman and I have a lot of respect for you. If this is a true sample of the kind of person that your father is, then I can imagine that it must have been extremely difficult growing up with him as your father. I'm sorry for that. I am glad, though, that your children have you - and that you obviously have others in your family that love you dearly. Again, I am sorry that you had to go through something like that, but you are not alone - I am outraged for you and I feel for you. You want me to kick his a** for you? lol I am obviously just kidding, but the thought behind it is real. I hope that you will be able to get past this sooner rather than later. Don't let him rent space in your head, space that would be better used for the things in your life filled with love and happiness. Is this your first grandchild? Even if he/she is not, you are going to be a grandma soon!! How wonderful is that?? :-)
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Jan 09
Thank you so much reshadar for all your kind words. to answer you question. Yes he was a mean person to grow up with. If we where not good he would be us silly. At the age of three I know I was not wanted. At the age of three I wanted to die if it was not for my twin who was going through all the crap with me I would not have been alive. It just shows me that he did not want me in the first place and now he does not want his great grand baby. He is not close to his grand son so the going to be father will not notice him not around. It just shows me how little respect he has for human life. I to believe in right to choose and if they did not want this baby months ago and had an abortion I could have lived with it. But not now! The parents are so excited, they have a collage of all the sonogram photos I have been talking to him in the womb we call the baby peanut. We all love him already and are excited. For a man to jump to conclusion and decide that this baby needs to die NOW without getting all the information tells me he is the unhappy one. He is the one who does not want to be in my life nor the baby's life. I finally told my husband today what dad said. Most of the time when I tell my husband what others have done to me or said he says things like "oh they did not mean it like that or he did not say that" he did not not say any of that at all. I was prepared to attack, verbally, my husband and tell him he never sticks up for me. Well he did believe me, he did know I was not making this up. He agrees with me that dad does not need to know anything else about us or the baby. He will be screening his calls also. My husband was upset also like he should be. Thanks for the kind words. What this has done has brought up all the old hurts that where buried deep inside me. I will be fine soon, but I need to get the hurts out and so thank you for responding with kindness.
• United States
28 Dec 08
I don't know that I would go so far as to disown him but I do think I'd let him think I did for a while. My ex-husband remarried after our divorce and his wife was expecting a baby. They did the amnio test and found the baby retared and he made the same statement, that he would not have a retarded child to raise. The next thing I know, she loses the baby. He never admitted it but I believe she aborted that baby. They finally had a child a few years later and he is normal (but ugly)lol. He's a good kid though. You know, what goes around comes around and God will get revenge so we don't have to. God gives special people children with "special needs" and He chooses the ones that can do the best jobs. I would have felt honored to have had a "special needs" child, but God must have known I would not have been able to raise it properly. You Dad will pay for his wrong attitude one way or the other, so for now, just let him think you have disowned him and pray for him that God will change his heart.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Dec 08
Thanks for your advise. I need to just let this go because I am hurting to much. He is a mean person and I know it so what is new. The sad part of all of this is no on said that the child will be mentally retarded.
• United States
27 Dec 08
He doesn't deserve your hate, stress, pain, anger, tears, not one more single emotion or thought of any kind. He has greedily stolen these in quantity from you your whole life. Enough is enough. "Dad" in his case is just a noun that illicits no respect, same as the noun "garbage". Time to take the garbage out of your life and leave it at the curb to be picked up and taken to the dump where it can be crushed and buried and never heard from or seen again. In your memory put him straight into the non-existent file.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Dec 08
Thank you my friend I am working on that every day. It will be hard but I will do it.
@aseretdd (13736)
• Philippines
27 Dec 08
I think your dad still feels like he is living in the dark ages... and i totally understand why you don't want to be associated with him... i would feel that way if i were in your shoes... i can't believe a human being can say those things... This maybe hard to do... but don't mind him... don't let him affect your life... and treat him as a nuisance that will go away when you feel like it... that is the only way you can deal with him...
• United States
27 Dec 08
I am so angry he will never see this baby. He will not be kept posted like he asked me to do. He is so stupid if he thinks I am going to forgive him for this. When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter my mom tried to convince me to have an abortion. Well I did not and have a beautiful daughter who is loving and a wonderful person how by the way he does not know. I also have my son expecting the baby and my dad wants him to convince the mother to abort the baby. Well I guess he thinks so little of human life as to throw it down the drain. He can just live there himself.
@sudalunts (5526)
• United States
27 Dec 08
Of all the people to say such a thing, the baby's great grand dad. Don't he realize that family is family, regardless of what flaws they may have. That little guy is going to need all the love there is to offer him, until things work out health wise with him. Your father was wrong wrong wrong, for saying what he said. Put what he said behind you, concentrate on the little bundle of joy that is about to enter this world. He will regret what he said in the long run. It is not good to be alone, and when someome can make comments like your dad did, he evidently what to live his life alone. Cheer up, you will have a new member in your family soon, to replace your father's presence. God bless
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Dec 08
I am so happy to have the kids here with me for a visit I am having such a great time. I love seeing them sit on the couch together and hear my son read books to the little on in the womb. I am loving talking to the baby in the womb and telling him how much Granny loves him. enjoy visiting with them so much. They live four hours from us I know we will be seeing them more then the baby is born.
@ANTIQUELADY (36488)
• United States
26 Dec 08
i don't blame u at all. what an ugly way to act. i lost my mother & father both this year but i didn't have a good relationship w/either one of them, never did. u just love that grandbaby, that's the main thing & i know u will. i finally got to be a grandmother about 5 years ago & let me tell u they are really special. i have 2 now & i wouldn't trade them for all the money in the world. good luck, i hope the baby will be healthy & have a good long life.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Dec 08
Thank you for your kind words. I am praying for the best. I have a feeling that he is will be just fine.
@singlemommy (2953)
• United States
27 Dec 08
Well, I honestly know what it is like to have people tell you to have an abortion. I even had people tell me they were praying that I would miscarry. The reason was because my son was going to be mixed and these people didn't agree with my son being born. I prayed and prayed about it. I cut those people out of my life, if they didn't support me during my pregnancy then they never supported me at all. I think it was the best decision in my life because I WILL NEVER put my son in a position where those people could harm him. If they didn't think that he should have been born then they have no need to see him since he has been born. I'm so sorry to hear about your father though. I have a friend who always says, "Ignore Ignorance!" She is right, they don't even deserve the time of day, especially not my time of day, I don't have time for stupidity. I'm very thankful that my parents were supportive of me and my son and they still are. If it hadn't been for them then I don't know where I would be right now. I think you are doing the right thing though, you are supporting the girlfriend and your son. This is their child and your flesh in blood as well. Like you said too, no one has even said anything would be wrong with the baby, but even if there is then I know you will still be there to help them every step of the way. You are ALREADY a VERY LOVING and SUPPORTIVE Grandma! Keep it up Granny! This is a joyous time, the excitement of a new baby. Don't let anything get you down! Congratulations and I hope you post pictures of this new baby as soon as he/she is born! I love to see cute baby pictures!
1 person likes this