We are splitting up!

Hello messageme, and thank you for responding to my response on your discussion. I'm sorry for not knowing the details before I commented, and I'm sure there's more to the story that I don't know. However, if you have not had open discussions with him about everything, then you are cheating yourself, and him out of the opportunity of really working things out. I'm reminded of overhearing a conversation between by son who was 6 at the time, and my ex-husband. He was telling his father why he didn't want to travel 2,000 miles to spend the summer with him for vaction from school. Now, this kid was 6, and I was astonished at some of the lies he came up with to explain to his father why he wasn't seeing him. I let the conversation finish, and when he hung up I questioned him as to why he flat out lied to his father. He responded that he didn't want to hurt his feelings, and get him mad so as to yell at him. Here's a six year old, worried about upsetting a grown man! Unbelievable how the roles can be reversed! I sat him down and explained that his dad needed to hear the truth about why he didn't want to go. He asked me why, and I explained that his father couldn't fix what was wrong if he didn't know it was broken to begin with. As soon as we finished our talk, he picked up the phone, and explained the real reasons to his father. Doing that gave his father a chance to work on the problems, and it gave our little boy the security of knowing he could tell us what he's feel, no matter what. That's a very important thing to learn. It's not good for anyone o walk around feeling so sad, and not letting it be known. Is he walking around thinking all is well? You can't shield him, yourself, or anyone from the truth, which can be painful at times. I agree with one of the response when they said the kids will grow up, leave home, and what will be left standing is the two of you and the relationship you have built (or not) over the years. Are the other parents in the picture at all? How do they fit in, and how are their relationships with the children. Do the children behave the same way with them as they do with you? That's something else you will need to look at. More often then not, children will push the envelope. They are smarter then we give them credit for, and they are more manipulative when they really want something. It is every child's dream to see their parents together. Maybe your relationship makes them feel threatened enough to want you out of the way to open the door for their mother to reunite with their father. As stated previously, I don't know the situation, so I can only speculate. However, whether the child is your own or not, children will be children. There will always be one challenge after another you will face that will most likely cause dissension in the household and the relationship. The important thing is that the two of you not only talk, but agree on the do's and don't. For instance, the five year old behaving toward you the way he does is very wrong, and should be pointed out as such by the both of you together, united, and strong. Verbalize what will be acceptable behavior, what will not, and what the consequences will be if this is not respected. I myself have a 17 year old son, and he is always trying to pit my husband (his step father)against me. He'll go to him for something, and when he does't get the answer he likes, he then comes to me. So, my husband and I have had to make several stops during the day, or week, to talk about what's going on, and come to an agreement on how we are going to handle things. No way can you give the children in the relationship more power then adults have. If the five year old is being disrespectful, the first person to straighten him out should be his father. How his father handles it will set the tone for that child's entire life, and can mean the difference between growing into an adult that respects women, or one that beats them. In any event, the problems aren't going to be resolved without open communication. If the conversations cause problems, then you have bigger problems to deal with then you thought, although I pray that's not the case. You have to get a handle on yourself first. That's the starting point. Sit down and think about what you want, and how you are going to get it. Once you do that, sit down with your man, and go over it so he had a better understanding and give him the opportunity to ponder the situation. One thing I've learned about men, is that when they love someone, and there are problems, they do want to fix them. Give him the opportunity to show you how much he cares for you. Talk, establish guidelines, rules, and consequences. Revisit them as frequently as needed and make adjustments. For every action, there is a reaction. So, you take control of what you want, determine what you need to do, and work towards it. Having children of any age in a relationship is always complicated, and will be the most challenging experience of your entire life. Develope a regular routine of taking time out just for the two of you to get away for a weekend here or there. Even if it's just once a month. At this point you may need to start out every two weeks so that you can be reminded of why you are together to begin with. Rent a hotel room, lock yourselves in, shower each other with attention, go out to dinner, go see a show or a movie, and when you get home to the kids, you should be refreshed and ready to conquer the little devils. And remember, before you know it, they will be grown, and gone. Whether they are happy productive adults who come back to visit regularly will be deterimined on how well you and your man raised them.

Sort the wheat from the chaff, Don't get blown around by the wind, the best advice comes from responses #24, #19 and #16. I hate to see people break up, and from what you have already written it seems your situation while made very difficult might be reversible if you take a different approach with the children to shape and fashion their minds in a different way. Build up their trust before you expect their respect, find a way to work together I see a lot of fault with him for not backing you up. The children have been given way too much free reign. You can not allow them to go full throttle with out getting good at finding the boundaries while at slower speeds. Build them up and build for yourself a home and not a house. Don't hit, or even raise your voice, just speak to the children one at a time, his four and your two... Hmmmm? What are all of the ages? The five and your six year old could make for some difficult times. I can imagine working with one difficult child but as you are working with one the other five will be doing what ever, I think you have a class room and it is time that the students take their seats, get your self some desks and chairs these children are going to have to be put in school at home, there will be a time of study with books and a recess time for play and then a scheduled nap and they will have things around the house to be responsible for. Helping with the laundry and cooking along with cleaning. This will be come a working home and not a house. Your approach needs to change and your husband has to be on the same page. Tell us about your whole living arrangements... In a discussion under people that I admire start a discussion about yourself the size of your house and the daily schedule. I'm sure there are plenty of ideas how we can help bring the joy and peace back to your life so that your love can grow and flourish spread out to all of those around you. What does the He do, (ie. he goes to work and puts in a 10 hour day and I expect him to make dinner, do the laundry and vacuum the floors while I watch the children go crazy in all different directions one is watching TV while the other is playing on the computer, and another is picking on the younger.) I'm speculating here and I've honestly seen houses that look like this they are functionally dysfunctional... Remember Dungeons and Dragons? It is time for a saving throw, I hope it is a high number that allows for plenty of recovery... Peace and Blessings, Sincerely, Gary

It is really sad that you are splitting, but what led to this, did you not try to save the relationship or despite your efforts, you could not save it. It is really depressing and disappointing, but it is you who have find some ways out to come out of this situation. Please try talking and discussing with him once again and make your love and position clearer to him. Best of Luck and best wishes.

This is not an easy walk in the park, but before splitting the sheets I'd suggest you carefully read the two responses one from #16 LuckladyD and #19 leenie50. I have been in much the same situation and I am so happy I pretty much took the same approach as what these two readers have given you. It's always so dam easy to give advice and tell someone else what to do, but this is a like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Good men aren't as easily found as they once were. If your man says he loves you I'm sure he does. If he's a keeper than keep him. He does however need to work with you on this and maybe he too is at wits end so to speak. Go over your advice here as I say and I sure hope this all works out. It did for me but let me tell you it was not easy and there were days oh God there were days, but like mentioned here the kids are all gone now!!! Best regards dear

I would say that you had better get the facts straight as to why this is happening and move on. There is no sense in crying over spilled milk is what one of my university professors told us in chemistry class. So if it doesn't work try another relationship and move on with your life. Don't keep dwelling on the past. Crocket.

I've read through here and this is what I see messageme. You have 6 children living in a household. 4 of them, his, don't like you becuase you are providing structure for them. Might I ask where thier mother is in all of this? Also, it's hard to be a parent to children that have never HAD one. You don't just "give them what they want", you are being a parent to them HOWEVER, it seems to me that you are raising them more over than he is. If you this the person you want to spend your life with, why isn't he being an active parent to his own children? Love can blind you a bit, but is this what you want? A man that is wishy, washy? No backbone to be the man of his own household? Sounds to me like he's just leaving because he wants to keep the kids happy. Better split up from you then him pulling up his own pants and being a father. I'm not all full of suger and gum drops here, but I think you need to look outside your own feelings here and look at the big picture. The friction cause here isn't because of his children. The friction is because he isn't a father to his children so why are you letting him off the hook by saying it's a child issue? It isn't. Sorry they aren't pretty words, but calling it as I see it.

Dont worry messageme, it's part of our life.. there are things that we can't hold.. yes, i already in that scenario same with you, cry, that i can't really imagine this is happening to me, i want him to be the father of my children, that i wanted to be grow old with him but we can't really predict the future.. but dont' give up, just do things you wanted so that you can't think him that much, talk to your friends, have fun, talk to someone who can make you laugh.. its a part of our life ok.. God Bless

iam so sorry your heart is broken. you are hurt to easy the pain try focusing on something else to help take your mind off the situation are at least until you are ready to deal with whats going on..love shouldn,t hurt thats whay iam so affraid of love.

Breaking up is a real hard thing to do. But if the other person doesn't feel the same way as you do, there's no sense in keeping the relationship since your just hurting each other. You really have to deal with the pain for a while for you to move on... We wish you well!

Hi Me, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have read everything everyone and you have written. Listen very closely to what LuckyLady had to say, the second time. She has a very good insight into these things. This is why I read before I answered, because I had a feeling there was much more to this. I will say that in the passed several posts you have written, I could tell that you were very unhappy and angry. Well, now I know why. Sweetie, it sounds like you've been fighting the war all alone. One against five are not good odds. It needs to be 2 against the kids. As someone said, in a few years the kids will be gone and you and your man will be left standing alone. I only had one son when his Dad and I divorced and I met a new man. My Son was so difficult at 6 years old. He was 4 when we split and his attitude didn't change until he turned 5. He stated acting out. His Dad had remarried and I was living with my new husband to be. Well my son started playing us against each other. Believe me, if I hadn't been so in love I might have considered giving into my son. I just had to stand firm and his Dad and I had to stay in touch to get a grip on his behaviour. He eventually came to realize that his Step Dad was a really good man and best friend. You and your Man have to be Adults and come at this problem with a united front. Your kids and I mean all of them will eventually give in a come to realize how much you both love them as long as you stick together. You see this is a common situation since divorce became so prevalent. Just because you and your Man had previous relationships that didn't work out, doesn't mean that you are doomed to misery. You said that you both love each other deeply, well you are being tested by your children. Your Man is probably just as drained as you are and hasn't got the energy or emotions left to show. Remember sweetie, Men behave completely different then women when it comes to emotions. Before you let him walk out that door, do yourself a favor and take him somewhere quiet and talk to him. If you don't have the money for dinner, at least find someone to watch the kids and go to a park or anywhere quiet to discuss all of this. Don't separate, that's too easy. I may sound crazy to you but staying and making it work is a whole lot harder. If you need help, get a counselor. Sounds like you two or the whole family could use one. Don't give up until you both have exhausted all resources. I would love to know a nickname or at least something other than your username. We are all worried about you. With the help of your man, you two can overcome anything the kids can throw at you. Go get them girl!!Hugsss leenie

I am really sorry to hear this :( I have been through similiar things myself, and it's not nice. You have to know though that you will get through it, and you will find the perfect person for you someday! I believe that there is somebody out there for everyone, all you have to do is find that perfect person for you :)

that is a hard situation to be in. im close to that situation now and i know how it is. sometimes youw ill think it is better off for you and at times its like you dont know how to live without them.

I was too experiencing that too a little while ago. I recently posted my discussion related to you. So i know the feelings of being broken hearted and its pain inside. Like me I feel to shout out loud very loud to release the pain but it nothing do. The moment we shared to our love one happy or bad times still remain to us and it was the one who contribute the pain everytime we remember the moments of sharing together.

Write it. It sounds trite, but write him a letter telling him how you feel and how he's hurting you. I don't think it will keep him, but I do think you'll feel better. And truthfully, that's all I care about. He can go suck eggs (some nice, rotten ones) and drive in a ditch. You don't even have to give him the letter. Just writing it might help some. And what you're feeling is all that matters to YOUR friends.

i am sorry for what happened to you, but i am not sure why are you splitting up. that is why.. i am not sure to say to get them back or not... but what can you do now, it is to wash your face and stop thinking about it.. do things to make you happy and think of something that makes you happy... there is saying one who is belong to you will always come back to you... so dont cry.... if he is the right one i believe he will come back... smile :)

Sorry to hear that your in a one way relationship. I think you should try to move on with your life as you are with a partner that as you have describe a person that has not emotions towards your relationship. Would you want to spend the rest of your life with that kind of a person? I guess what I would advice for you today is if you could just start loving yourself nowadays and stop torturing yourself in believing that someday he will love you back. I guess you deserve someone who will not be like your partner right now. You deserve also to love yourself and not hurting anymore because it is not helping you anymore to grieve for that person at all.

I am sorry for your heartache. I have been there and done that so I know how painful a break up can be. I have been divorced and had to face life alone after 11 years with someone I had known since I was 15 years old. I didn't even have any friends when we broke up because our social life consisted of his circle. I cried and cried and lay in bed for three days until my mother came over and literally forced me to get up! I am glad I did because from that day I put one foot in front of the other and very slowly rebuilt my life. I joined social clubs etc... so I could make some friends and it was very hard to do but I am so proud of myself for doing it. I found it difficult to deal with my ex's lack of emotion too. I guess that is just the way guys deal with things like this, they are brought up not to be emotional. Give yourselves some time and you will know eventually whether you are drawn to moving on or back to each other. Having said all this I am aware how bad you feel, believe me it will get better in time.

I am sorry thar you have planned to split. Communication is the main barrier for all these problems. Please go through this article and see if you can work it out. Do not cry, act accordingly. This is not spam. I am just sending as I can't copy and paste the contents here. http://www.socyberty.com/Relationships/Steps-to-Revive-a-Broken-Relationship.472763 Take care. There is no point crying. Be brave and communicate to your partner how much you love him. Maybe he also shares the same feeling towards you.

Hi messageme, and thank you for your discussion. I don't know your situation, but you and he both deserve to be happy. That may mean saying what you feel, and what you want. There are a few approaches to your situation, one is what I already said. The other is to tell him how much you love him, and let him go. If he loves you he will come back to you, if he doesn't, he didn't love you and you deserve more than that. I remember being so in love, that I didn't date anyone for 5 years after we broke up hoping he would find his way back to me. He never did, and I wasted all that time. In the long run, I had to resign myself to forget him, and get on with my life. There must be something more out there for you, someone who you will get along so well with that the relationship will seem effortless. That someone is waiting to meet you, and when you do, you will be so happy, you may even reflect on what is was you ever saw in your 'X'. Always remember that your own happiness is of utmost importance, and if you aren't happy, you can't make anyone else happy. If he isn't worth fighting for, get rid of him now! Begin your period of mourning, get over him, and move on! Keep your eyes open because God is sure to open the next door to what could be the right man for you! It took me a long time, during which I was lonely, to find my now husband. However, I tried not to let it bother me, and I found some measure of happiness in other things. You can't allow anyone to have so much power over you as to steal your joy! Reclaim yourself, and your life! Hold your head high and declare that you deserve someone better than him! Someone who will love you for who you are, and without conditions. Believe, seek, find, and be happy! Good luck!

My apologies for babbling on..... Please excuse me. When i was responding, I didn't realize how much I was saying. I will refrain from offering my opinion at the expense of the happiness of others. Good luck.