So I'm leaving him..... / myLot

United States

March 30, 2009 3:55am CST

It has been a hectic two years. I've gotten married, buried my father, went through therapy, changed my career, and decided to get a divorce. I know people would say that I should keep trying and working on it, but I'm losing myself in the process. I'm not sure who I am anymore. I used to be this strong, independent, able-bodied, got her stuff together woman. Now, I feel like I'm going no where...and doing it slowly. Most would say that he's not to blame, but I feel he is. My husband drives me crazy!

He doesn't do the normal, crazy, and stupid things husbands do. He does that and more. I can't get a good night sleep next to him because of his abnormal snoring and constant jerking. Instead of getting an alarm clock, or a phone that won't die on him on a daily basis, he decides he will sleep for a few and then get up and keep looking at the time so that he doesn't oversleep. He makes mistakes that young children shouldn't make. He drives me crazy (sorry did I already say that)! Well, it's true.

I moved all this way, to this little military town, for this. I thought being with him would be better than being without him. I should have stayed single and played the field. Recently, I got a job (that pays less that I deserve) that will allow me to move back to my hometown within three to four months. I've already started packing. You think he cares...nope! He just continues to make the same mistakes over and over again. This has to be some type of mental abuse.

Thanks for listening! Sorry, haven't been on in a while. ttyl

2 people like this

10 responses

angel2009

@angel2009 (210)

• India

30 Mar 09

I think if possible take him to a mental counsellor once...I think he is unaware of the things he does and don't do them deliberately...Some people are like that...so as a partner try to resolve the problems...And still if you are tired, then the last option remains to leave him.

1 person likes this

fafinette79

@fafinette79 (943)

• United States

1 Apr 09

I was thinking the same way you were Angel. The therapist we went to see was one from a neuropsychiatic center. I thought if he could see how it was affecting me then he would change. He didn't! So, I decided that I will change. tty.

hustonphotography

@hustonphotography (569)

• United States

30 Mar 09

Hi fafinette79! Sorry to hear your life has been a rollercoaster. I know you probably heard that saying when it rains it pours. Losing someone you love and care about such as a parent can really take a toll on a person. It sounds like you need some time to heal and have some just you time. I don't think I can advise on the hubby thing because only you know what is best for you in that situation. All I can say is be careful and be sure sure of your choices you make. I would think hard about them and then if you feel it is the best choice for you then make your choice. This way you have certainty with nor regrets. I am sure what ever choice you make will be the best one for yourself. I wish you luck with all this and your new job! Cheers!

1 person likes this

@fafinette79 (943)

• United States

31 Mar 09

Thank you for your honesty and compassion. I feel like you completely understand my situation and how I feel inside. I won't be hasty. I'm actually glad that it will take an entire year for the divorce to be final. I hear of so many couples who divorce and remarry each other after they grow and learn some. I'm very excited about my job and hope that I can stay with the company for a long time. The pay isn't the best but it will work for now. I am working on finding a job as a trainer or teacher but still have time for my children, significant other, and school. I want to pursue graduate school, but I'm going to take it one day at a time for now. ttyl

Ravenladyj

@Ravenladyj (22904)

• United States

30 Mar 09

if this is something that has been goin on for months and you have done all that you can to try and make things right but nothing is changing adn you are still that unhappy then I say yes leave..why stay in a relationship or marriage that makes you miserable?? why stay in a relationship or marriage thats only one sided? IF however this is new and you are deciding in haste then I suggest waiting and talking to him etc etc.. I think what would irk me and really set my leaving in stone wuld be the fact that here I am packing and obviously leaving and my partner isnt giving a good gdam ya know...THAT right there would say to me that he doenst want to be in the marriage either so it'd be time to fly IMO

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fafinette79

@fafinette79 (943)

• United States

31 Mar 09

I agree with you Raven! I am completely miserable and unhappy. I feel that I can be happily by myself. I know that going through a divorce is not easy, but I think that it will be best for the both of us. I told him that I would like us to stay friends and that I will always be there for him when I can, but I don't want to be how we are now. I will always love him, but I know that I deserve to be happy. ttyl

zandi458

@zandi458 (28102)

• Malaysia

30 Mar 09

You are not alone facing this dilemma in a marriage. They are countless couples who are not happy together but trying to put up a pretentious happy face despite of a rotten egg marriage. I am no exception but have been trapped in my marriage for a long time without any idea what to do. I respect the marriage institution but I don't respect the person who make up the other part of my marriage. It is a pity that I don't have the courage to move out as I have to be responsible for the welfare of my children as they need a father figure to grow up. Age is catching up on me and leaving him is almost impossible. I face each day as an individual and blocked my mind of the problems I have with him. Maybe the time bomb has not exploded yet as I have all the patience in the world to face life troubles with the man who created the miseries in my life.

1 person likes this

marriage

fafinette79

@fafinette79 (943)

• United States

30 Mar 09

It is almost like you are reading the stains written on my heart. I only have one daughter from a previous relationship. My husband feels no need to treat her as his own because he says that no child of his would behave the way she does. I must admit that she is bossy, but she does very well in school. I have spoiled her because she is my only and there was a time when I thought should would not be a part of my life (hard pregnancy and she had surgery when she was 18 months old). I know it is hard to leave. I've been trying for six months now. The passing of my father didn't help, since my mother and I were never close. You will be in my prayers and I will ask God to give you strength and open doors for you in order to show you peace and happiness. I look up to you. Not for staying with him, but for putting who you are aside so that your children won't suffer for the mistakes of their mother and father. You are truly an angel.

1 person likes this

mobhomeir

@mobhomeir (7558)

• Philippines

31 Mar 09

Hello fafinette hope you're doing fine in spite of the fact that psychologically troubled now. I am really sorry about that. Now, obviously your hubby doesn't care for you anymore. Don't push too much yourself to a man that would not deserve your feeling, your love to him. Why? Don't you think you can't find another man more responsible than him? I mean, he didn't care for you why stick to him? Why destroy your life for this irresponsible fellow that never cares for you? Leave him alone. Maybe this man is not right for you. Leave him alone okay? Good luck

mobhomeir here

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irenebelle

@irenebelle (116)

• Philippines

30 Mar 09

If still u cant be comfortable with him, try to talk to him honestly of what ur feeling. u can give urself a vacation if u can manage. You can surely know the real status of your marriage. If still needed by your husband or not...

1 person likes this

fafinette79

@fafinette79 (943)

• United States

31 Mar 09

We have talked and talked until we are blue in the face. We even went to therapy for almost 6 months. The therapist said that he didn't want to disappoint me, but he said he didn't see that my husband was really worried about me or what was important to me. I gave myself two vacations, and my husband didn't show any signs that he missed me. Actually, when I came home from one of the vacations, he had packed a whole bunch of his stuff and went to stay with a friend. He only came back because I went to the emergency room because I had a really bad anxiety attack. I really think that I'm doing what is best for my daughter and for myself. I feel as though I am in a marriage by myself but doing the work as if there are two people in the marriage still. It will take a year for the divorce to be final once we file it, so maybe things will change. I plan on signing the papers in late June. thanks for you thoughts ttyl

dreamleaper17

@dreamleaper17 (702)

• Philippines

30 Mar 09

hi there, fafinette79.. we all have our fair share of ups and downs -- especially for the married ones among us. thank God for myLot, we have an 'outlet' for ranting, haha. your honesty is very much appreciated. i actually felt the steam come out, but at least you've relieved yourself of the burden. just hang in there, fafinette.. it will do you no good by "looking back," that you would be better off single. you're married NOW, and God has commanded that we are to hold true to our commitments. Marriage is a lot of work -- and it entails a whole different dimension to the way we express our love. I recommend you try reading Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages". It will help you better understand your own love language and that of your husband's and deal with him more appropriately as a "wife of noble character" should. "A wife of noble character is her husband's crown." :) happy myLotting!

fafinette79

@fafinette79 (943)

• United States

30 Mar 09

I love your quote and thank you for your response. If I am my husband's crown then shouldn't he shine me up and keep me looking my best. As much as I take care of him, shouldn't he take care of me (and my daughter) just the same. I didn't put question marks, because this is a statement. I am holding true to my commitments. Did so through his denial of cheating with a woman that knew everything about me, but I knew nothing of her. Did so through his decent of lies from things as small as eating the last cookie in the jar to putting the accounts into negative with is web surfing. Did so, through moving to a town that I can get a decent job in and living in a place that doesn't have proper heat and air. My husband is happy and has no problems with the way things are going, until I told him I was leaving. Though he has expressed his disappointment, he does nothing to show me change. On the other hand, I have completely lost myself and can't recognize the reflection in the mirror. I was taking 10 different medications for sleep, depression, bowel movements, and anxiety. I was having therapy two to three times a month. My hair fell out, I gained 25 pounds, and I cry on a daily basis for no reason at all. This is mental abuse. It wasn't until I read Mad, Bad, and Sad that I decided that enough was enough. My sanity is more important. My daughter thinks so, I agree, and I'm sure God will understand. thanks again for your response.

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