Can you ever forgive your mother once she betrays you?

United States
April 1, 2009 4:37pm CST
Several years back my mother betrayed me and my family (husband and infant daughter) so badly that I ceased all communication with her for 3 1/2 years. Although I thought this would be payback for her it just hurt me more. I have struggled to try and forget what she did but it is stuck in my mind like it happened yesterday. I pulled up enough strength to finally forgive her because God says we should forgive. She had moved to a different town about 45 minutes away so I did not see her that often only on my terms. Now she has recently divorced and moved back to the town I live in. She has also started substitute teaching and be it my luck she substituted for my daughters class for 2 weeks. While I am able to talk to her and do things with her I feel no connection with her. My life with her has never been the mother-daughter relationship it should have been. I have tried to accept that and move on. Now the important thing is that she have a good relationship with my children. Only I am scared to death that she is going to flip out on me again and now that she is so close it is even worse. I guess the advice I am looking for is will I ever find the strength to let the past be the past and assume that she will be a better mother and grandmother? It is a little hard to trust someone when they have betrayed your trust for so many years. These issues not only affect me but also my family, when I am stressed they feel it, when I am depressed they know it. I would love to wake up one day and and have peace with the situation between her and I but I fear that is a long ways off. Anyways thanks for listening, maybe someday I will spill the exact occurances of the situation but for now I just wanted to know if the relationship will ever heal.
1 person likes this
6 responses
• United States
7 Apr 09
While I think we expect mothers and fathers to be more than 'just people' when it comes to dealing with their children, it just isn't always the case. They do fail and sometimes they fail with the people who should mean the most to them. I have had the experience with my own mother and I can tell you after more than ten years, I can never forget and never forgive. I pretend for everyone else that all is well especially for my children but she crushed my heart and you just can't do that to your child. Hold your head high and keep your heart safe. Keep trying because you just might get past it someday without even realizing it. And if you want your children to have a good relationship with their grandmother, then do it for them. Children are always worth any effort you put out!
• United States
7 Apr 09
Thank you for your response! My mother does fail with the people she should love most. Sometimes I think she never really learned what love is and does not have the skills to show her affection. This has been difficult for her since I can remember.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
8 Apr 09
Hi there, Not knowing what your mom did exactly, I can't say that I can relate exactly. I can relate to the not being close at all part. My mother did not actually betray me but she was very flippy and controlling (tried to be anyway) and verbally pretty darn mean. I distanced myself from her emotionally. Still, I kept in contact for the sake of the grandchildren and also for my own piece of mind. The feeling of closeness never came back but then again, I didn't feel horrible or bitter over the past either. As she grew older and sickly, my brothers & I took care of her. At the end of her life, I was with her daily as she could not be left alone at all. Before the meds ate her mind, we had several deep talks. I did not bring up any of the past as it was always a source of argument & nothing she wanted to talk about. One day she just started crying. I asked her what was wrong. She said I hope I didn't hurt you too badly. I told her I was just fine. I was. She proceeded to explain to me what it was like for her being a mother, housewife, etc back then & how she was raised etc. I could understand some things from her perspective in listening to her. She finished up by telling me how proud she was of me and praised me on how I raised my own children. It was not a fix-all conversation but it sure helped to get thru the next few months when dementia took over and sometimes her mean streak was almost unbearable. I think at some point you need to have a talk with your mom about whatever kept you two from being close. I hope you do.
@Ronina (185)
• Philippines
7 Apr 09
Why not, she is your mother whatever she done to you still it will not erase that she is the one who gives you life. Forgive your mother as long as she is still alive and don't wait for the last time of her life. You know what, i do belong to a neocathecumenal way during one of our celebration we were discussing about a verse in a bible and the sharing of the community is about love of parents, me, in my part i said that i feel sad because when my father passed i never said that i love him (he was 54 years old then)and i was not around when he passed, i was away in our hometown. So, i said that now i know its not too late for me because i still have my mother its not too late to say i love you to her. Forgive your mother and forgive yourself too because if you did not forgive yourself you will not forgive your mother too. :) you pray to God because without God's help we cannot do it with our own self. "Lord Jesus, have mercy on me sinner" just repeat it always. I hope i could help you.
@spoiled311 (5502)
• Philippines
5 Apr 09
hi steph! i am not sure what you mean about your mother betraying you and i am sure that you are the only who knows the extent of the hurt that your mother has done on you. but anyway, to answer you, yeah it is possible to forgive. there are just some people whose sins against us take some time to forgive, as the wounds they have created are far deeper than the others. but since you are already bothered by it, you have started the process of healing already. just don't be pressured to be able to forgive her immediately. i also have trouble forgiving somebody who has hurt me many times over the years. as for my mother, i dunno, i can't imagine her betraying me for any matter. take care. may God's Spirit guide you in your quest to forgive your mother and make your family whole again. God bless you sister! :D happy mylotting!
• Indonesia
4 Apr 09
i just wanna say..Love Your Mom, Forgive Her and your certainly will not regret. Thanks
@bindishah (2063)
• India
1 Apr 09
I would tell you to let bygones be bygones. It is a big step to be able to forgive someone and if you can find it in your heart to do so you should. Try to remember the good times with your mother and not dwell on the past. People do change for the better and after all she is your mother. Blood ties are very strong and you should urge yourself to give her another chance. Whats the worse that could happen? She could break your trust again but atleast you would know that you gave her a second chance.