Am I insanely jealous?

United States
June 3, 2009 2:59pm CST
Ok ladies, so I'm sure we're all protective of our significant others, but I think I may re-define it to some degree....I want to know who my husband talks to, what he talks about - what kind of jokes he makes, is he a COMPLETE pig when I'm not around? Now this is not to control him per se but I'm just much more curious, cautious - is he the same man I married when he walks out that door every day? I've been hurt in the past (who hasn't?) and I just couldn't bear to let it happen again, I can't, I WON'T!! Now, I don't follow him around or anything TOO bad yet, but I do look through his phone, I check to see who he's going out to lunch with, I may browse through websites he's been on if he leaves the browser open...I want to do more, I would even have him bugged if that didn't make me seem like a phreak - am i TOO jealous?? He's never given me a reason to question him and he even answers all my questions and thinks it's "cute" that I care....
3 people like this
13 responses
@angelsmummy (1700)
3 Jun 09
Theres being jealous and theres being JEALOUS!! I dont want to upset you or anything but it seems you are JEALOUS!! This may cause problems in your relationship, maybe not now but soon, he will get annoyed and stressed and feel like he cannot do anyhting. I am jealous to some degree, but I have overcome it by talking about the things that happen that make me jealous. My partner no longer has any females on his phone other than family and he doesnt talj to any ogf his exes. I dont have a problem with him talking to other females anymore apart from2 exes lol. I would never ask him who he is talking to or what about unless I thought it was somebody that I would want to talk to. We have recently had a converstaion about my jealousy as it was rearing its ugly head again and now Im alot calmer. I currently have depression (which may be as I have had a baby a year ago and am pregnant again grrr to the hormones) which brings me to jealousy. I had a huge outburst the other day before our chat which made the chat happen and I am now calm again and the jealousy is gone again.. for now.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Jun 09
I can understand we may have some things in common then - I am pregnant and feeling a bit...i dunno down lately too so maybe that's why it's coming back up. I know I can trust him and I know I can ask him anything, I just hate when I start to question things!! Thanks!
1 person likes this
3 Jun 09
Its horrible isnt it!! Congratulations with the pregnancy and lets hope it goes wehn we give birth!!
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Jun 09
Congrats to you too! Hormones are terrible, the fact that I've now portrayed myself as an overweight lunatic with low self-esteem isn't helping LOL! Good luck with your little one!
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Jun 09
my husband and i are very open about everything. he goes through my phone and i go through his. we check eachothers email and its more out of curiousity than jealousy. we have the same friends so when he get texts, i ask what its about and vice versa. we feel like anything we do with our personal things should be able to be viewed by the other. (apart from journals which are shared only when we want to invite the other into our personal space like that) now following him is another story. if hes kind enough to answer your questions constantly, maybe you should ease up a bit.
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Jun 09
kaykay...thanks! I've never actually followed him (phew!) and actually I don't even like to ask all the questions that DO go through my mind - I think if I DID ask all the questions, he would answer them and I may be more satisfied, but I am worried that I will scare him if I gave in to these feelings....opening up this discussion has certainly enlightened me. I cannot live in the past I need to understand he is NOT the one that hurt me...thanks for all the advice!
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Jun 09
I have to tell you the old adage about accusing or pushing an innocent man can surely drive him right into a guilty man even when you didn't want it to happen! A man can only handle so much pressure especially when he is not giving you any reason to feel this way. You can't take your past experiences to your present. You need to wash away all those old fears if this man loves you, takes care of you and comes home to you every night. Don't ruin a good thing out of unsolicited fears.
• United States
3 Jun 09
Thank you - you are right!
1 person likes this
• Germany
3 Jun 09
Hey ... you might love him ... so you don't want to loose him. But just don't forget: love isn't ownership. Our main task on earth isn't to stick to somebody else, but to develop OUR souls, that is you yours and your husband his. We aren't on a daily schedule, we are on a lifelong mission.
@rdadey (484)
• Canada
4 Jun 09
Hi...I'm a man and I feel the same as you do. My wife cheated on me and it hurt like hell. Even though we stuck together and that was many years ago...I still remember and I still have uneasy feelings. I check out things as well and I feel relieved and guilty at the same time. I know if we had split up I would have uneasy feelings in any relationship thereafter. Is there a way to get over it and stop spying, I doubt it because the doubts are still in the back of your mind.
• United States
4 Jun 09
Thank you!!! It's definitely difficult to trust again. Trust is one that is built the first time carelessly, torn down EASILY and hardly ever reparable! No matter if it was torn down by the one you are with or not... I know that I have to at least TRY to trust him, and I obviously cannot drive him away with my doubts.... But he kinda knew what he was getting in to with me, he promises to never let me down. If he does though...I must say I will swear off relationships forever - he's my last hope in goodness out there! Good luck to you!
• Philippines
4 Jun 09
Yes you really are jealous, hope it does not develop into being possessive and over protective wife. I understand your feeling because you are pregnant and it must be the hormones that does the insane thinking about your hubby. But if you say that you trust your husband and if your hubby did not in any way lied or hide anything from you, then there is nothing to fear or worry because I am sure that your husband loves you, all you need is to relax and calm down and think positive specially you are pregnant. I know that you love your hubby much and no one likes to be hurt. So it is better that if you have doubt in your mind and in your heart, talk to your husband about what you feel so that open communication will set you free from your worries and doubt. It is not good to hide negative thinking on our better half. I am sure that you can be at ease when you open it up, but remember that a low gentle mannered voice is a good start to begin with if you want to ask a question.
@tundeemma (896)
• South Africa
4 Jun 09
i do think the earlier you get your mind of this kind of situation,the better it gets, stop worrying yourself about who your husband talks to and you will have a peace of mind, what happens if he treats you the same way and watch every move you make, then your relationship may crash sooner than you think, so stop making him look like a suspect
@sharksfin (1098)
• Philippines
4 Jun 09
He might take it in a different way this for sure. You see, you gotta learn to give trust no matter what. I do understand where you're coming from but sometimes, men, they get annoyed if their wives act this way. The more that they become stubborn. At the back of their heads, they'd think..."this is how she's accusing me so I rather just do it". Jealousy is like cancer. You hafta learn to control your emotions and not let it ruin your relationship. Kill the doubt before it even start polluting your head. Trust your husband. Whether or not he's guilty, give him your trust. People make mistakes but if you just keep on loving your husband, he'll realize that it's not worth fooling around since he has a very loving and faithful wife.
@palonghorn (5492)
• United States
4 Jun 09
I'm not sure it's just jealousy, but you seem to be very insecure where your marriage is concerned. How long have you been married? Was there any problems trusting him prior to you marrying him? If not, then you really need to either relax, trust him, and not become consumed with it; or maybe talk to someone about your insecurities. As you stated, yeah, you've been hurt in the past, but who hasn't. If I let my past interfere with my present, I wouldn't be marrying the best thing that has happened to me. And if I compared my fiance to my past relationships.....he wouldn't have a chance! You need to realize, your husband is not your ex's, and you need to let go of the past. It sounds like you have an excellent husband, not let the past ruin it. "I have a man that proved to me, they aren't all the same"
• Philippines
4 Jun 09
YES. A big big YES. Give him some space.. Or you will lose him eventually. Men and even women want their own space.. their own life apart from the life you have together.. It is not healthy having that kind of relationship, you acting like a private detective browsing through his things... The time will eventually come when he won't answer any more of your questions.. and won't find your browsing "cute" anymore..
• India
4 Jun 09
You’ve been hurt in the past and in my opinion, the way you are going, you’d be hurt again pretty soon. That cute thing your hubby says will become a real bother very soon and he will just start avoiding you…if you don’t mend your ways. Love is never about control, its always about trust. You are looking to protect yourself…not your marriage! Think about it…if your husband is really in love with you, he will not stray no matter what the provocation…you don’t have to spy on him all the time to keep him tied to you.
• Thailand
4 Jun 09
Here's the thing, even when you get married you still have a life of your own to live outside the marrital walls, so to speak. This of course doesn't include messing with others whether it be male or female but everyone needs their own space. In a nutshell yes I think you are going over the top here, if yhou suspect him of anything and you ask him and get the right answers and you're still not satisfied it means you don't trust him and maybe you should rethink your relationship. Is it the previous hurt that is making you this way??????
• India
4 Jun 09
Hi, Its nice that ur possesive and ur partner also consider it cute i can sugget u its good to be alert and keeping watch but it shoul be done unknowingly of ur partner as in some time he will feel irritated answering ur questions, u should have trust on ur partner but not blind trust so be alert and emotionally connected with him . all the best