My friend's husband who left her for a younger woman,and then the younger woman

@cynthiann (18619)
Jamaica
June 12, 2009 3:09pm CST
for her seems to have abandoned them both. Can't choose between them. Doesn't that sound typical? Romance often comes with a steaming pile of grief to contend with. That's what I think. The younger woman at 34 was so desperate for a man in her life that she made off with someone else's. Having got caught and put out to grass, the husband moved in with the younger woman and then can't decide who to commit to. So then he briefly goes back in with the wife because he thought that he would like to live out his remaining years with his wife but he could not forget the younger woman. So, the wife kicked him out again. It's all beyond me. My friend says that she wants to have an affair but I suspect, that as she is already suffereing from rejection, all she wants is revenge. What do you think and what would you do in this case? They have been married for 35 years and I think that if she had ingored the dalliance then it would have perhaps just gone away. But who knows?
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18 responses
@zed_k4 (17627)
• Singapore
13 Jun 09
That's a really sad situation. Imagine that after 35 years, and this man becomes like that. Shows how fragile and non-permanent human feelings can be. My heart goes out to your friend. I think she should just forget about revenge and just move on with her life. I know that it hurts to be alone and single after 30 over years. But she's better off without this husband of hers, whom in my point of view is rather selfish. Unless he's totally repented and wanting to leave the younger woman, I suggest your friend is best alone.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 09
she has moved on from wanting revenge. I spoke with her last night. She knows that this would end up just hurting her more. I don't know if she will forgive him or not. It is so sad after all these years of marriage. I believe that he just wanted excitement again
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@ANTIQUELADY (36488)
• United States
12 Jun 09
I coukldn't have ignored his messing around w/another womam, could you? ONCE I FOUND OUT ABOUT IT HE'S BE OUT OF MY HOUSE FOR GOOD. There is no way i could forgive that.AN affair is not going to mend her broken heart. Will probably just make it worse when the affair walks out the door. I think her husband is middle age crazy. MAY NOT BE HIS FIRST DALLIANCE.
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@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 09
No, I don't think that I oculd have ignoreed it but this is a different culture where women, becasue of lack of financial resources, are prepared to turn a blind eye and pray that it would soon be over. I honestly think that he di not want or does not want the marriage to end. I have to say that he was a good husband and father but now has blown it. He would look after his wife. The laws here, in this situation are so archaic and not like the States
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@ANTIQUELADY (36488)
• United States
13 Jun 09
I hope things work out for them. She will a better lady than i am if she takes him back. MEN!!
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
12 Jun 09
I think if it's over with the husband, it's not an affair. Maybe if she had ignored it, it would have blown over. Maybe not. But a person married to a cheating spouse has to decide what they can and can't tolerate and everybody's different...
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@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 09
I believe that if she had ignored it then it would not have lasted. Men are so insecure and he probably wanted soem TLC and I also think that he felt flattered.
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@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Jun 09
Maybe, but then maybe later there would have been another one and another one. Just depends on what the problems are inside the marriage, the two people's mindsets, etc.
• Canada
12 Jun 09
I think the phrase once a cheater always a cheater holds true. Tell your friend that she does not need a man....help her to be independent, dating is always fun if you let it be, meeting new people finding new interets, she does not need to have an affair just for revenge. It sunds to me that the husband is getting all the revenge based on Karma of the younger women who will likely lose interest in his shinanigans ans hopefully your friend follows suit and moves on to greener pastures.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 09
I don't know if he cheated before - it could be a middle age thing. But then who knows? I will cwertainly help her to move on but now she is in shock.
• Canada
14 Jun 09
I was thinking more along the lines that if she took him back he may go out and do it again. It is so beneficial to have good friends to help thru lifes challenges :)
@James72 (26829)
• Australia
13 Jun 09
The grass is never greener on the other side and this is further proof of the same. This guy needs a good kick up the backside if you ask me and his current Wife deserves so much more than this. Her having an affair sure as heck isn't going to fix things that's for sure! Many people in life tend to dettle for less that satisfactory circumstances rather than face the prosepct of being alone. I hope your friend can find the strength to get on with her life without this tosser. It'll be so hard at first, but in the long run, she;ll be so much happier for it. How could she ever trust him again anyway?
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@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
15 Jun 09
I'm living in a different society from the one in which I was raised - in the U.K. The bias in divorce etc is against women - although this is denied and it is a very macho society. She will not now seek to have an affair as revenge. Whether or not she will forgive me I do not know - but for now she is still hurting so very much. She does not work and relies on him for all monetary support. My instincts tell me that in time she will settle to take him back simply because of the hassle of divorce etc. This is just my feeling. women get the short end of th stick in my adopted country. You made a valid point about people settling for less because they cannot face living alone. I have seen so much of this in my life. I don't know that she has the strength.
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@loveykoh (73)
• Philippines
13 Jun 09
if i were in your friend's situation, i'll make sure that my husband will regret his decision for the rest of his life. i'll involve myself in activities or interests that i held back because of my married life, and at the same time improving myself as a whole and bringing back the confidence in me. if ever he sees the changes in me i'm 100% sure that he'll be sorry for himself. and that will be my sweet revenge :)
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@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
15 Jun 09
He is sorry for himself now and wants her to forgive him
@geniustiger (1699)
• Philippines
13 Jun 09
Hmmmmmmmm so great problem so hard to handle . If the love is still there with her younger woman he accepts it , but if the love fades away becuse of what he did thats a good reward for him. He thinks he can do everything to women just to satisfy his will for them, not thinking that they hurt so much for their partner. Sometimes that kind of attitude is somewhat inherited from their generations or sometimes influences of their waelthiness that they can afford to have many women in their life.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 09
It is difficult as they have been married for so many years but his beahviour has caused so much pain in this family.
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@Niah1976 (733)
• Philippines
13 Jun 09
It is really hard when you are in her situation. Thinking that they are married for 35 yrs is such a long time. But maybe it is better if she will deal with the pain first. She should pray for faster healing. Because anyone can wipe our tears but only God heal a broken heart. And then from there she can make a decission whether she wants a divorce or reconciliation. It's really hard on my part to say what she should do because eventhough I don't know her I am really hurt for what happened. Maybe because I am also a woman. Or maybe I was been cheated once in my life. But I do hope that she will soon be okay. Just tell her to be strong and always hope for the best.
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@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 09
I am just trying to ber the best freiedn that I can for her right now. In my heart, I am praying that here will be a reconciliation after a time has passed becasue it is not good being old and alone
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• China
13 Jun 09
life will go on, if she makes decision to abandon her husband, then to find new life. it is pity this kind of thing always happens around us, some people just looks for temporary happiness but lost a lot, when he realizes it is too late to regret. I think she is right, never to forgive such kind of man, you don't know what will happen if you accept the man once after.
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@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 09
It is not easy being old and alone so I am hoping that they will work this out. marriage is a commitment. I honestly doubt that he would eve do it again. This has caused so much unhappiness and grief in the family. Their daughters are grieving at their father's behaviour too and now will not speak to him
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@bodhisatya (2384)
• India
13 Jun 09
Adultry is a sad fact of the society. Nobody is happy in such relationships, but people tend to fall for the urge and temptation. I think that your friend is very hurt and that is why she is thinking of an affair. It would be detrimental for her and also to the person she gets involved with. I think dear friend your role becomes more important now, she would need your support and help more than ever. Thanks and have a great weekend.
1 person likes this
• India
13 Jun 09
Married for 35 years and then off with another young woman!!! I think this guy is suffering from a HUGE midlife crisis...I've heard that as people age, the urge to stay young reaches almost a feverish pitch in some and from it stems the desire to fall in love again, to be desired, to feel like young all over again. It is quite common in that age bracket in both men and women, some control it, some cant. I think your friend was right in kicking him out...after 35 years of togetherness, she just cant be blind to him flirting all over the town and be cool about it...I am sure even if she had just ignored it, the guy would have gone for other younger women, thinking it was OK with his wife. And then, he does deserve to be left alone, licking his wounds. A wife of 35 years is worth a thousand pretty chicks...if he doest appreciate that, he deserves what he got.
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@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 09
Definitely a middle age crisis and it is a fact that men of that age still have the urge for excitement. He ws not a womaniser as I would have heard about it. And I do think that this was his first affair. However, she is certainly worth more than a thousand pretty chicks as you so rightly said
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@reckon21 (3487)
• Philippines
13 Jun 09
Marriage that last for 35 year is already a milestone. They shared together all the ups and downs in every relationship. I just wonder why things and temptaion broke them apart. So am I right to presumed that there's no such thing as they live happily ever after?
@Opal26 (17690)
• United States
13 Jun 09
Hey cythiann! This situation really sounds like it might be already too messed up to fix! Once damage like this is done I really don't think that a couple can go back to the way things were! And the fact that this azzwhole of a "man" and I use that term very loosly decided to checkout what might be "greener pastures" and go back and forth I think that was the end for them both! Things like that just can't always get started again! And as for your friend wanting to have an affair, that of course, is for revenge and she will only end up getting herself more hurt! She needs to maybe get some kind of counseling before anymore damage is done!
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@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 09
I spoke to her last night about the revenge thing and she will not go there. She just wanteed to hurt the husband but she will hurt herself more plus causing hurt to another man's wife. She has not made nay decisions yet as to what she is going to do. Her daughters are devastated and his dalliance has caused so much unhappiness and grief.
@Shar19 (8236)
• United States
12 Jun 09
I guess no one know what they would really do until they are actually in that position. I don't think I could stay with someone once they have cheated. Therefore, I'd have to divorce him. I would always be worried that it would happen again. Nine times out of ten he will cheat again.
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@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 09
No, we do not know whart we would do in this situation and everyone is different. They are not young and I hope that a reconciliation can be worked outbetween them. I do not think that he has done this before but I do not know for sure. It will be very difficult for her to forgive him
@Philbo (579)
• Canada
12 Jun 09
There are marriages that have survived an affair. That being said even if the cheater never cheats again it is a long hard painful road to walk. I wouldn't want to go there and I'm not sure I could forgive and rebuild the relationship. Not many people can get over that.
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@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 09
They have been married for so long - I do hope that it can be sorted out
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
12 Jun 09
THat is a hurtful and confusing situation...I don't know what I would do if I were her...if it were me.....Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more no more no more....hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more!
1 person likes this
• India
17 Jul 09
god no1 on earth would get this situation it hurtsssss like hell......god give her patients ...but if i were her i would have left him coz he can repeat dat again so its better to help her get independent and njoy her life
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
17 Jul 09
Regretfully she is an older woman and financially dependant on him. They are now taling so they may get back together. Many thanks gffor responding and a very warm welcome to MYlot.
@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
13 Jun 09
cynthiann, I just could not help adding a little of my $0.02 worth here. First of all, I am just wondering what REALLY happened between the both of them on the 35th year of their marriage. I am quite baffled here and out from experience, I cannot rule out that your friend is totally innocent or blameless for her husband's wandering. Remember the saying that it takes both to clap and that there will not be a fire if there is no sparks to begin with. IMO, I felt that the point about midlife crisis could be one of the legitimate issues here. There are just a lot of issues when we approach the later years of our lives. We not only need to accept changes but to handle them as well. It is just never easy especially when everything seems to come at us all at the same time and if I may add here that chances does favor those who are prepared. Or, it will be like standing in the middle of a 13 foot tsunami coming down upon you out of no where. I think as a friend, we can only offer a listening ear and a discerning word or 2. A lot will really be dependent if your friend would still want this marriage to go on and if so, she will probably need to approach it with a more forgiving and magnanimous heart plus attitude. Both parties will have to accept that the current problem is beyond them and that in order for them to overcome it, they will have to evolve and be constructive with their future. Professional counseling here will be mandatory than optional. Revenge is not going to solve anything at the end of the day as how can there be anything good or real coming from a full of malice and vengeful heart. Being together for 35 years is really a considerable feat and after everything they have gone through, I just cannot believe that stray is a doing from one side of the relationship. No offense taken if I have sounded condescending towards your hurting friend but it is just that there is more than it meets the eye, here. My heart just feels for them and hopes that they will be come together for a HTH (heart to heart) talk, for whatever they may want to say at their side, they still need and feel for each other. Have a nice day.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 09
You are very perceptive and wise. she had probably become complacent in marriage like many couples do and maybe she did not give him the attention that he craved. Men are like children and love much attention made of them. I think that he wanted and missed th4e excitement of marriage and now that their children are grown he became bored with the marriage. I do not doubt that he still loves her. I am hoping that if she agrees to go with counselling then just maybe it can work out.
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