Which child's needs in this situation should be more important?
By castratton
@castratton (139)
United States
June 14, 2009 11:36am CST
First off thanks for reading this post, and thanks ahead of time for any advice you can give. I have 3 children. One is a newborn, one is a 20 month old with special needs, and the third is 3 1/2. I have been a stay at home Mom for the last two years but because of uncertainties with my husband's job I am 90% sure I will be returning to work this August. Which means I have to put my three children in daycare. There are two local daycares we have researched that we can afford. Basically we have decided that one daycare is the best choice for one of our children, while the second is a better choice for another one of our children. So how do I decide which child's needs are most important?
My special needs child receives two different kinds of therapy. He has two therapists that he has been seeing regularly for the last 6 months. When we put him in daycare I will no longer be at his therapy sessions, instead the daycare workers will have to fill my role. This is because the therapists only work on school hours, and I am a teacher so I will not be available during school hours. One daycare will mean all new therapists because of school boundary lines. That same daycare does not provide lunch, and one of my child's problems is a feeding delay. If we choose the second choice he would be able to have the same therapists and they provide lunch. I feel that the lunch may be an important factor because all the kids will be eating the same thing and that may motivate my son to try those foods.
My oldest son is painfully shy around kids he is not comfortable with. We have friends with children his age and he is outgoing and friendly with them because they are usually one on one and he is comfortable. He went to preschool this year, 3 afternoons a week and even by the last day he was having trouble joining groups in his preschool class. I would drop him off and basically watch him on the outskirts of groups unsure of what to do to break into them. It took him until April to talk about the children by name and you still got the sense he wasn't very friendly with them even though he now knew there names and said they played together. The first daycare has a friend's son that my son is basically best friends with. In the second daycare he know noone. The first daycare may have more of a preschool curriculum than the second. We aren't sure that one child he knows will help enough because that child will still be friends with all the other kids he's been there with and that might put my son off.
So the question is, which child has the greater need and should take precedent. My husband and I keep going back and forth. First we say the important thing is that our middle child is getting therapy not who is giving it. Then we say that our oldest might not really benefit from being with a "friend". In the end I feel like no matter what choice we make I will end up hurting one of my children, possibly permanently. Which child do you think should take precendent, and why?
5 responses
@wiccania (3360)
• United States
18 Jun 09
I'm the mother of a child with special needs as well. My 7 year old has Autism. I can't say what you should do in your situation because I only have 1 and you have 3 to think about. But in your situation, I would lean towards the better situation for your special needs child. At the same time, encourage your other son to make new friends at the daycare. Ask him who he played with that day, what games he played, etc. Let the teacher know he's very shy. Maybe there's another very shy child there that the teacher can introduce him to. The adversity will make him stronger and might help him come out of his shell. I can say from experience that it does matter who is giving the therapy. The last time my son had to change speach therapists he went backwards a little bit. He wasn't comfortable with the new therapist and wouldn't participate for a month or so until he was comfortable with her. It took another month before he was back to where he was before the therapist was changed.
@ch88ss (2271)
• United States
17 Jun 09
Wow, a very difficult choice.
If I understood correctly the first day is where you oldest son feels most comfortable being in
But they don’t provide lunch, but they have more enrichment courses for your son.
While the second one provides lunch, and will benefit your second child who has special needs, who can also keep same therapist.
As a mother with a special needs child, I understand the agony and pain you go through.
Is it possible to keep your younger child in the day care where he/she gets the same therapist. A good therapist is always the best choice.
If I had to make the choice for my children, I will make the choice for the benefit of the child that needs your most support.
The other child who is shy, setting play dates with the parents of the new daycare is a good idea. Let the children get to know each other outside of school time. Then eventually he will find someone that can be his good or friend and he won’t feel so alone.
If time permits, how about you drop each one of at the different day care so each child gets to enjoy what they already know of.
I wish I can offer more help, but this is a really hard choice.
I have worked my schedule and made my choices all around my special needs child. Every choice I make I consider if it will benefit her. So reading about your struggles, I am sorry to hear you have to make such a hard decision.
@heathcliff (1415)
• United States
14 Jun 09
Thanks for sharing this with us, but I think it should be clear that you're not going to get your answer FROM us. It is going to come down to your hearts and faith to make that tough decision. No matter how much you tell us, we won't be able to make as good a choice as you.
The best thing I can tell you is the choice you end up making is the right choice. You have to believe that or you will be miserable; second guessing yourself for a long time.
@kerriannc (4279)
• Jamaica
14 Jun 09
My advice would to tell you to seek this answer in prayers. You and your husband have a prayer week together seeking God's advice. This is a tough decision to make and you don't want any of the kids to feel as if they are unloved. In seeking God's help he will placed understanding on each child heart so that no bitterness will encounter when they grow up. All the best.
@Raven7317 (691)
• United States
15 Jun 09
Can you manage them being in separate daycares? I know that by having them in one place is more convenient and propably cheaper, but is there a way to do both?
Just so I understand, I think that you are thinking the first place would be best for your older child as his friend is there, but the second place would be best for your special needs child as he can maintain the same therapists and he gets lunch.
Right? Well, I would agree... but if I had to choose one place for both children, I think first you should, if you haven't already, discuss the potential changes with your special needs child's therapist... Will it set him back to change therapists? How far back?
I'm thinking that your 3 1/2 YO needs to be helped along alittle more than your 20 month old. I think that you should put them both in the first place, but only if the therapist thinks the 20 month old will be okay with the change. I think that at 3 1/2, your son is at the age where it's extremely important for him to learn to make and maintain new friendships, as well as keep in touch with old friends. I think that by having an already trusted friend with him, he will eventually come out of his shell, I don't think it will put him off, I think it will encourage him to join in. (Just like you think that by your 20 month old seeing the other kids eat certain foods, he'll be more motivated to try...) He's also old enough now to discuss this with and understand some of what you say to him so he'll 'get it' when you offer your support and encouragement.
Your 20 month old, it's hard to say because I don't know his personality, but I am aiming for the hope that he's young enough to bounce back quickly from the change and that the change will not set him too far back from his progress... I wouldn't be so concerned about the food issue. My son has SPD and has an issue with food too, but I learned to let that go... he eats when he's hungry and I give him whatever I know he'll eat. His pedi told me not to obsess over it, so I don't. I don't know the particulars of your son's eating delay, but if it's only a matter of not eating new things, I would let that go to the wayside for a bit. You can always work on it when he's a little older. It's more important that your 20 month old receives tharapy and if the change won't hurt him, go for the first place.
Try not to think of it as a bad thing that you're putting one child's needs above another's... You know as a wife, a mom, a professional, a woman - that you will always have to make tough choices and that you have to deal with the most pressing needs now and less pressing needs later... Of course you want both your children to have each and every need met, but you know you can't. So you have to weigh each need and put the most important on top. IN this case, judging only from your post, I would say the most important thing is your oldest child, who is showing signs of social inadequacies (because of his shyness).
Best of luck!
