Do I have to make my kids go to visitation with abandoned father?

United States
August 27, 2009 1:41pm CST
Ok, I am in a sticky, sticky situation. I was married for over 9 years to my first husband. The entire marriage was rocky but I was going to fix it/him. I always felt sorry for him although he was abusive emotionally and slightly physically. Needless to say he abandoned my children when I was pregnant with my daughter and only had 6 hrs. of contact (2 visits 2-3 hrs. each and 4 phone calls) within a 4 year period. Since the divorce I have remarried and both of my children - son now 11 and daughter now 8 only know my new husband as their father. Because both of my children were very young they bonded extremely and naturally with my current hubby. Their bio father never really had much to do with them when he was home anyway so there was not much of a bond with my son and my daughter had not been born. Ex signed kids off in divorce for tractor and home theater system, no back support, no future support. I accepted the offer and gave told him for kids sake I would still allow visits as long as supervised (due to violent and abusive nature - other issues to - depression, had tried to commit suicide, alcohol abuse...totally went off the deep end). Little contact as mentioned above was done. Five years later (last year) I get a letter stating he wants visitation. I couldn't believe it. His statement was full of all kinds of false info about his attempts to contact kids. This was all thrown out because I kept very detailed documentation and phone records throughout the time of abandonment. To cut to the chase now - kids have been going unwilling but going (and having some fun) for the last year to one per week 2hr supervised visits. I have had them in counseling the entire time and counselor states no bonding has taken place that the kids look to me and my hubby as parents. Recently after undergoing his second mental health eval (of course at my expense) he has been released to see the kids unsupervised and for extended periods eventually leading up to overnights and standard visits. Oh, I forgot to mention that he was arrested in 2006 for beating another child of his black and blue. She was 16 at the time of the beating. Last weekend was first weekend for extended 6hr supervised visit. My son refused to get out of car and continues to refuse that he is going to go. He has threatened to run away and even get his bb gun out and shoot him. (Yes, we have taken the gun away!) He didn't end up having to go and visit was cancelled since it is still being supervised and supervisor refused to do visit with him in the condition. I know eventually I am going to have to make them go. Any advise for a heartbroken mother?
1 person likes this
5 responses
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Aug 09
Do you have a court order saying that he has visitation rights? If you don't, I wouldn't send them, no way, no how.
• United States
27 Aug 09
We have been in and out of court for over a year now. He had to take a mental health eval in the beginning and it made recommendations for him to fulfill including anger management and parenting classes. After he completed those he took me back to get unsupervised. He then had to take another eval but this time it concluded that he had completed his classes (yes, we all know how a class can change someone's character right...NOT) so he was ready for unsupervised. The current order is for only 2hrs per week supervised but we went to a mediation with our attorneys. My attorney advised me that the court was going to go by what the eval concluded. I was really confused about this conclusion because earlier in the docs report he states that he will continue a pattern of abuse towards subordinates such as children. Anyway, my attorney told me we could spend several more thousands in court but regardless the judge will go with dr's conclusion. The years of abandonment, the child beating, all the case notes from our marriage counseling that had his confessions of abuse will not mean anything. Hey let's give a round of applause for our justice system and the best interest of the children clause!! We came up with a plan to slowly integrate the kids into unsupervised leading to overnights. That is when my son freaked out. He tells me it is going to ruin his life. Of course ex blames everything on me. What do I do?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Aug 09
My inclination is to find another attorney who is willing to fight for what is right. Anyway how does your attorney know what the judge is going to decide. That's ludicrous. And you're right, abusers almost never change. What they can do is FOOL counselors. How sad...
• United States
28 Aug 09
I agree about the attorney, but I have already vested $45,000 fighting this over the last year or so. My attorney is now allowing us to make monthly payments instead of coming up with 5K every few months for a retainer. I don't know how I am going to afford a retainer for another attorney. I just have to keep praying that the hand of God keeps working in this. The bible promises that He will protect His children.
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
28 Aug 09
i dont think he should be allow too, specaily if he was arrested for beating another kid. sound like he's a peice of crap. if your two kids dont want to see him,then i wouldn't make them., but my hats off to your hubby now.
• United States
28 Aug 09
Yes, my husband is a great Christain, father and husband. God definitly blessed me with him.
• United States
29 Aug 09
i would not force my children to go all you have to do is have to do is tell the supervisor to tell the courts than you children refuse to go and you don't want to make them unhappy by forceing them to go or if you have a layor you can tell that person that you need a emergency hearing to stop your children from going with the kids being that old the judge will listen to them at least here they do.
@webearn99 (1742)
• India
28 Aug 09
Please take legal opinion on whether a visitation right can be enforced if your children are unwilling to go. I think the chances are it will be negative. In that case, extend unspoken support to your son. Strictly unspoken! You can make the counselor tell your son that no one can make him do it if he is unwilling! That is within your rights, as your son hates the visitation and he needs to be reassured. Your daughter is most likely to follow him. After a few chances your ex may get frustrated and withdraw, or approach the court. You will have to take your chances there.
@jimntam (93)
• United States
28 Aug 09
My advise is to see an attorney. I do believe but am not 100% positive that if your son at his age doesn't want to see his dad then he doesn't have to. I think the best thing you can do is talk to an attorney who can give you your leagal options about this. If you pull visitation on your own the ex may be able to sue you for contempt of court even though he hasn't been around for all those years. But an attorney may be able to plead your case and reasons why you fear for your children's safety and mental health if they continue to see your ex. and get his visitation pulled or at least back to the limited supervised. If not now, then maybe the attorney can tell you at what age the children can refuse to go to visitations and you not be in contempt of court. Most attorney's do free consultation before they take a case and that alone can help you decide if that's the way to go.
• United States
28 Aug 09
Sorry, I wrote before I read. I see you already have an attorney. Okay, I agree. Get another one!!