Decision is upto who???
By smileonstar
@smileonstar (4007)
United States
September 12, 2009 9:52am CST
Hello,If you are married, Who do you want to make the decision in your family? you or your partner? For my own experience and my own family, I want both of us to make the decision, and share everything my husband wants to do, and I do the same. However, lately... seem like I made the decision alone cuz he just like up to you, up to you, UP TO YOU, and he will follow what I decide and want to do. It is a good thing but I just dont want him to feel like I make my own decision alone. When I talk to him about it, he said... He loves me and whatever I want to do or decide is also his thought as well. Now, I have to learn how to make decision alone but fit for both of us.
Do you think it is a good idea to do so? what about you? do you have anything to share about this?
Everything is up to me now... food, what to eat, what to do, what is good for kids... just about anything that is going on is UP TO ME ... God, I can't get use to it yet.
3 people like this
12 responses
@mrbranan (1012)
• United States
12 Sep 09
Even if he wants you to make the decisions be sure you talk with him about it. You don't want this to come back and bite you in the you know where later. If something goes wrong he will blame it on you and you can say remember I talked with you about it and said it was alright. I make all the decisions in my house but I always ask what he thinks and give him the time to speak on the subject. That way he still feels involved.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
12 Sep 09
Of course, I want him to involve with everything I do cuz we are husband and wife right? sometimes I let him decides but he still asks for my advice on what he wants to do...
1 person likes this
@dramaqn (1990)
• United States
13 Sep 09
I am not married now, but have been twice. And both were different in the terms of decision making. With husband number one, he was the bread winner and more clear headed about money, so he made the final financial decisions, but if it had to do with the kids I got the final say so. With husband number 2, I mainly made the decisions, but it was on the table that we could both make the decisions. Prime example, if a sales person came to the door if I wanted it, I could get it, I didn't need my husband's permission. I guess even though being married twice I still don't get that, needing PERMISSION. I know there's a respect thing in there somewhere, but there's also a such thing as a law that allows you to cancel a contract within 3 business days, and when you purchase something at the store you can return(unless on clearance). Now it the woman is a shopper I can understand, but otherwise, I just don't get it.
Before I go I'll tell you something funny about my 2nd ex-husband. We've been divorced 3.5 years now and he is engaged to someone else, and he called me to ask if he could buy a new motorcycle. What the heck does that mean? Of course I said NO. I guess some habits are hard to break.
1 person likes this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
13 Sep 09
can't believe he still called u and ask for your advice. My husband let me decide almost everything in the family.
Sometimes, it makes me sick of this but sometimes I feel good about it...
2 people like this
@Abbyey (760)
• Philippines
12 Sep 09
Hi Smileonstar, Oh I somehow can feel the stress you have with the "UP to YOU" answer of your husband. It's really hard to make decisions when you're the only one who is assigned to think what's best for both of you. Somehow it's sweet to hear that your husband trust you 100% with the decision making. However I am also afraid of the possible effects of being the only one who makes the decisions such as: What if something didn't go well then there is a tendency of your husband to say, you decided on that. This is the BIG thing we do not want to happen at any time.
What I can suggest is when you talk to your husband, simply be honest with him by saying: Honey, I appreciate that you trust my decisions 100%. I can't do this alone. I can't decide alone, I need you. I need your opinion. I want the decision to come from both of us, I value your thoughts on this one.
I've heard that there are men who thinks that their opinion does not matter and that its a waste of time to even propose it, because they immediate think that the woman would always prefer to choose what they want.
If you let your man know that his opinion is important and it's valued. Maybe he would be more open to share his thoughts about it.
:) abby
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
12 Sep 09
Hello,
thanks for the respond. I understand what you meant and these are good advice to remember. Of course, I always let him know what I want to do and what I decide. He also 99% agree with me... even money, he is very honey with me... He gives me everything he has and keeps for himself only $100 or so. And if I told him to do this or that... he will do it right the way no question ask.
@robert19ph (4577)
• Philippines
13 Sep 09
hello smileonstar,
i think the best thing is to get her/his opinion first before making a decision for the family. this way, you can not be blamed for anything.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
14 Sep 09
I never do anything without letting him know... just my decision always there whenever I give out. I always tell and always do the best for both of us.
1 person likes this
@lulumartin (963)
• Germany
25 Sep 09
Hi, smileonstar.
Before i am married, i always dream to have my husband who can make most of the decisions in our life. However, my husband is not the person. He is kind of indecisive person. Therefore, it's the same like you. I always have to decide what to eat, what to buy, what to buy for kids, bla..bla..bla....
Therefore, sometimes when i want to buy something, i also do not ask for his opinion because i know he is always up to me. Then what for i tell him. Honestly, i do not like this. I like to share with him and i like him to make some decisions too...not always me. Sometimes i feel frustrated about this.
It seems like after marriage, men become our "kid" too.. then women have to become a super woman. 
Well.. all the best for you and have a nice day!
Happy mylotting. 
Well.. all the best for you and have a nice day!
Happy mylotting. @smileonstar (4007)
• United States
28 Sep 09
I think you are asian too right? I believe American or European like to share and not depend on woman. But Some Asian guys will let woman(wife) be the Boss in the family and that's included my husband. when I was a kid, my Dad always give my Mom to run the house and financial as well... once he got his paycheck, he gave all to her and kept just a little for himself. If I want to do something then I have to get permition from mom cuz dad always said, GO ask your mom.
Now, It seem like I take my mom spot. My husband always give me all his paycheck and always let me decide everything in the house and financial or just about anything. If you are talking about financial then I want to be the boss cuz my husband is a big spender and I dont want him to spend that much at all. and to tell u the truth, he never know how much money I have either cuz I never tell him and if he asks... I never answer. well, I know most of people here will think I am not honest with him but believe me, I am honest but I dont want him to know cuz once he know he will plan to spend on this and that for sure... so better not. lolz...
I dont mind to be their mom but sometimes it is too boring to tell them what to do right? humm.... I have to get use to it.
@yuhongchao1981 (286)
• China
13 Sep 09
I make the important decision and my wife make the trivial decion.and we both like to one's task.
1 person likes this
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
13 Sep 09
Great...sometimes I feel like, I am the only one tell him what to do... such as, go left, go right, lolz... but he is a great person
1 person likes this
@jpso138 (7851)
• Philippines
13 Sep 09
In our case, it depends on the situation. There are problems that I decide and there are situation that my wife decides. Of course before making the decision, each of us will naturally consult each other. In your case, I do not see any problem at all. For us long as you find it good and effective, then that would be great. As you can see, marriage is always a constant adjustment. The important thing is to understand each other.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
13 Sep 09
yes.... I agree. He used to do that before, but mostly his decisions turned out wrong and mind was wrong... For example, one of his friend came over to our house last time and asked my husband to help him with something(business stuff) he was not that close friend to him though but my husband is a nice man and he always want to help if someone ask him. I met this person for a few times and I some kind of note that he is a jerk... so I told my husband not to involve with him... cuz he just used u, he didn't agree with me and he was also fought with me over this guy. I said Ok, up to you if u dont believe me and I will wait and see if he be good with u as u said. After my husband helped him in business... he turned his back on him and also attack him by using another friend to take my husband's customers as well. Now he learned
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
13 Sep 09
hi smileonstar my hubby and I almost always made decisions
together as we had agreed on this when first married. I have'had him
pass the buck once in a while but it seemed to be on
something that we both had agreed on. most times he would get'upset'if
I did not include him and rightfully so as we were married and'should make decisions together. I would have felt uncomfortable if he'had
left everything up to me to decide.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
14 Sep 09
Hello Hatley,
well, at first I felt like stupid and all alone but it has been a while now and I have to learn how to like this. My husband always and ALWAYS ask me everything he does, if I say NO then no more question ask. I didn't mean to say NO, but I just mean it is not right to do and he just stop doing them
...
And if I give out my advice, then he acts on it right the way. I asked him why can't he give his also and we share... so it will help both of us understand what is going on better. He said, everything I do and everything I say are always fit him and He is happy to do what I want him to do, and if he doesn't like then he will tell me right the way.
It was so hard for me at first and I was like always decide what do or not what not. It made me so stress so bad, but now I have to learn how to like it cuz this is how he wants... but I will remember always let him know what is going on
...
And if I give out my advice, then he acts on it right the way. I asked him why can't he give his also and we share... so it will help both of us understand what is going on better. He said, everything I do and everything I say are always fit him and He is happy to do what I want him to do, and if he doesn't like then he will tell me right the way.
It was so hard for me at first and I was like always decide what do or not what not. It made me so stress so bad, but now I have to learn how to like it cuz this is how he wants... but I will remember always let him know what is going on
@sanjana_aslam (4187)
• Malaysia
15 Sep 09
hi smile
well theire are major issues and minor issues to think about ... minor issues can be self decided especially matters related to "housekeeping"
major issues - like buying of house, car , bank loans are discussed but then, the VITO power is in my husbands hand ...
cheers
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
15 Sep 09
Hello,
you will hard to believe this... it doesn't matter major or minor are up on me. Like when I bought my home, I also decided and I also chose the house and also made the deal, he just signed the paper. Even he got his new car, I chose the color and give him the price. Bank loan is totally up to me... like right now, I am trying to get loan modification and they are all my decision... all he does just Ok, and sign lolz... Plus all the payments and all the expenses in my household are up on me too
I know, he just give everything to me too much and sometimes it is a stressful job to do...
I know, he just give everything to me too much and sometimes it is a stressful job to do... @sssb21 (70)
• India
13 Sep 09
I think you both should understand each other. If your husband is doing everything what you say, sometimes you also do what your husband thinks good and make him look that you care his decisions and like his decisions and I am sure that you will like his decisions as you are his wife. Sometimes take decisions by talking to each oter and come to one final decisions which is satisfactory for you too. This will also build your relation more stronger too. Thank you.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
14 Sep 09
Yes, I always do what he asks me to do and he always do what I say as well... it works out very well to us lately. I dont know why he starts to change like this but if he happy to do so, then I will go along with him.
Of course, it is very important in the family to make decision together on the big main issue. He mostly like to hear what I thought first and then he give his right after, but mostly he chooses mind. :)
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
12 Sep 09
Yes it should be a shared responsiblity. Honestly a think one leaves it up to the other because they just don't want to think about it. I do a lot on my own, but when it comes to the children he IS needed on input and he SHOULD be there for it too. After all, it's his children too. I've carried the dicisions for years now and it's a heavy load. There is a bit of resentment there because it feels like he just isn't taking responsiblity for anything because responses are just "whatever you think best".
Well, I'm tired too. I work too, so this shouldn't all fall on me. I agree that somethings you really don't need your partner on, but when it comes to major household expenses and the children - they need to pull their weight too instead of dumping it all into your lap to handle.
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
13 Sep 09
Hello,
I know it should take both decisions to be involve to make family better... my husband does take responsibility but he just always and always ask for my advice, and if I say do this good and he will take it... and forget all what he was telling me already. sometimes I was like, come on your idea is great... and just go for it and he was like... no no, your is better and I want to take ur. . even he wanted Dish network, he also asked me if he can get that or not... I was like, honey!!! if u want it then get it. He said, well... we both watch and u are handle financial so I have to ask. It is hard for me to see everytime he asks but if he feels like and enjoy doing it then I agree with him
. even he wanted Dish network, he also asked me if he can get that or not... I was like, honey!!! if u want it then get it. He said, well... we both watch and u are handle financial so I have to ask. It is hard for me to see everytime he asks but if he feels like and enjoy doing it then I agree with him@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
13 Sep 09
I know, you both do great and I am happy for you. for my situation, my husband just listen to me everything... Im serious EVERYTHING. If his brother comes up with some ideas about vacation then he will say, I will ask my wife if she wants to go or not... mostly I never against his idea, whatever he wants to do then I agree... but if I say, let go this place better then he will change his mind to mind all the sudden...
