Staying out of pity??

United States
October 12, 2009 9:00am CST
Have you ever stayed in a relationship out of pity? I did once, a long time ago, before I met my hubby. The guy worked at the gas station near my house which I went into a few times a day for coffee, sodas, and smokes. I was fresh out of another relationship which had lasted a few months, and one of the girls at the gas station told me this guy wanted my number. I gave it to her to give to him, even though I didn't know him well. Anyways, he called and we planned a date. I didn't really have any sort of attraction to him at first, and I wasn't really gung ho to go on this date, but my mother told me "You're not marrying the guy, it's just a date. Do it for something to do." So I did. The date went well, and he and I continued to see each other and talk on the phone. We hadn't been seeing each other long, possibly only a week, when this one night we were on the phone with each other and my mom came in asking me to go buy her some cigarettes. I told her I couldn't afford to, that all the money I had left was gas money to get to and from work. I was lying to her, I got really sick of spending my money on food and smokes for her. Anyways, he overheard all this. The next morning when I got in my car to go to work there was 2 packs of cigarettes, a rose, $20 and a note from him. I don't remember all of what it said, but I do remember it saying "I can't let my girl go hungry" Well that totally freaked me out! I didn't like him that much to begin with, and now suddenly he considers me his girl?? After I got out of work I stopped at his gas station and told him I wanted to talk to him after he got out of work. I wouldn't tell him why. Then I went home to pick up my son before heading out again. When I left I drove past the gas station and saw him sitting outside. He looked like he was in tears, obviously extremely depressed. I assumed it was over me, he obviously could sense I wanted to break up. So, when I did talk to him that night, against my better judgement, I decided not to break up with him! Biggest mistake I ever made! We went on to have a relationship that lasted almost a year and a half. He drank and smoked way too much, partied too often, cheated on me constantly, put me down when he was around his friends, yet stupidly I stayed with him. But.. if it wasn't for the horrible way he treated me, I never would have ended up with my husband, who's the total opposite of that jerk! I needed to be treated badly in order to appreciate someone like my husband! Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to break up with someone, but didn't because you felt too bad for them?
3 people like this
4 responses
@cynthiann (18635)
• Jamaica
12 Oct 09
Yes, this happened to me many donkey years ago. A young man approached my father to ask me out on a date. My mother knew his family and there and then decided that it was a good match for me. I was only must 17 and he was 28 and he was my first boyfriend. He was very nice, good looking and respectful but I sort of knew that he was not the one for me. There was just something but I did not recognise what that something was. So I went out with him for over 8 months - 8 unhappy months until i plucked up courage to tell my father that I did not want to date him and my father spoke to him. The whole family praised him and wanted me to marry him. But My instinct was right and I am gad that I eventually stopped seeing him. Years later he met my sister but did not recognise her. He was by then married with 3 little girls and yet he asked my sister for a date! She really shamed him big time as she was already married when he was dating me. It was just that little something about him that I instinctively did not trust and thank God I didn't!
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Oct 09
You have so many great stories!! It's certainly a good thing you didn't stay with him! It all worked out for the best for you, you found your husband and had your wonderful kids and grandkids!
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18635)
• Jamaica
12 Oct 09
It would have been a disaster to have married him. I never even wanted to kiss him! And he was my first boyfriend. I used to dread the good night kiss at the door thing!!!! So old fashioned to now! so I went on to College and dated a few boys casually but I was always the one they took home to meet their mother!!! And then I met my husband but we dated casually for a long time but I knew from the moment that I saw him that he was the one for me. The firs time I dated him, I felt that this was someone that I could grow old with. Wasn't that strange? We had ups and downs in 31 years of marriage but I never regretted marrying him for one moment. Never. and you know how much I love my family. My second son came to my office a while ago and he has learning disabilities and you should just see him caring for his 4 year old son whom he had just taken to a doctor. I told him that he was an excellent Daddy and he replied that he had learnt to be a great Dad as he had had a great Dad. Tears just welled up in my eyes. 9 years and they have not forgotten him. He is working at a gas station to earn enough money to finish fixing up the tractor to plow some land on the farm. He is such good hard working man. I am so proud of him.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Oct 09
I met my husband while I was still dating the jerk from this story. I didn't have any attraction for my husband at first, but I did know he was a good guy. I kept telling myself I needed a guy like him... it's just too bad that at the time I didn't want him! Six months after I broke up with the jerk is when I finally started dating hubby. And the rest is history!
@dawnald (84130)
• Shingle Springs, California
12 Oct 09
Hm I'm in one right now, but it's more complicated than that...
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Oct 09
Sorry to hear that... but I do hope you can find a way to work through it since it is more complicated than just two teenagers dating.
2 people like this
@mtdewgurl74 (18122)
• United States
15 Oct 09
Actually I have dated someone because of that situation, It seemed that the only time he wanted to talk or be with me is when his friends weren't around then he was a totally different person and I got so tired of the back and forth he likes me,he doesn't like me stuff. I felt like a yo-yo... And so when a really cute and nice guy came along I ended up having to turn away his advances because I was in that relationship and I told him to give me time..but he was hurt at first but then he understood and respected that I wouldn't be a cheater and that I was a one man woman..we did eventually hook up and was in a relationship for a year before my parents moved me away and we still continued on for 6 months then it dwindled down cause we never got to see each other and all we had was snail mail..no phones..and no computers..so it does make it hard on a relationship especially when your just kids I was 15. We broke up after my birthday..and then I started dating my hubby the end of the same month and a little over a year..I was married.
@mtdewgurl74 (18122)
• United States
15 Oct 09
I forgot to add on the first guy..when I tried to break up with him he threatened to kill himself by running his car off a bridge..and then it made me afraid especially because I thought he was serious because he did cry and got really emotional when she said it..but then I figured out that is the only way he knew he could hold on to me was to use my soft heart against me. I am glad I moved on though and saw through it for what it really was.
• Canada
12 Oct 09
Almost, but no. I've seen enough people in bad relationships to know enough not to get into one myself. I had this friend in highschool. You know what they say about the fine line between genius and madness? Well he had one foot on each side of the line. He was an awsome musician, liked all the same music I did (we both liked old country, rock and roll, big band, swing, OLD STUFF!!!) We also both played the piano by ear, had perfect pitch, all that stuff. My intuition told me not to get involved with him, and when he asked me out, I managed to explain that i was not ready for a relationship at the time. BEST MOVE I EVER MADE!!!! Soon after that, his unstabile side came out, and stayed out. I don't know what promited it, but he got himself into all kinds of mental trouble, and I sure dodged a bullet there!!! I tried to help him, but then ended up getting into trouble myself, because of some of the people who were harassing him. Finally I had to cut my losses, and run like hell to get away from him. He'd be a great guy, and we'd be great friends, if he wasn't so naive about setting himself up for punishment by the idiots of the world.