A new sign of an old illness...
By Stormy
@Little_Stormy (6883)
United States
October 28, 2009 11:47am CST
I am on my way to becoming the worthless nothing that I feel like I've always been... Just as I am sure that I understand my depression, It still finds another way to throw me for a loop. I am going on a sleeping binge these past few weeks. I can honestly wake up from a 4 hour nap and go back to bed and sleep the remaining hours away.
I've always been the type to NOT sleep when I'm depressed so this is completely new to me. I am so tired and in ways I feel like I've given up just a little bit more, lost interest and just don't care... just give me somewhere to lay down and crawl deeper inside of myself.
It was a lot easier to disguise my depression when I didn't sleep at all.. because it looks like you are just having a sudden burst of energy and with the well rehearsed fake smile to go along with it.. no one will ever question you... yes, No questions, No well meaning friends to tell ya to "snap out of it", Or family members getting wrapped up in your business.
I could fool anyone and everyone so easily then... Most would never even suspect that I was the slightest bit depressed.
Now this! everyone is questioning, suspecting, watching me for "the signs"... Where before, I was easily left alone.. now I have people hovering over me like I am their latest favorite science project and it's driving me crazy.. or crazier.
Some think they can "fix me" and some suggest who CAN "fix me" and then there are those who have decided that if they tick me off or hurt me, that my depression will subside! Which only makes me feel worse.
I had much more to say, but I think I will just take a nap instead...
6 people like this
15 responses
@Little_Stormy (6883)
• United States
29 Oct 09
hmmm could be.. though I recently had a complete blood panel done and nothing was said about it.
sheeesh... sometimes I forget that I'm old :)
1 person likes this
@landerson254 (191)
• United States
29 Oct 09
WELL, tell your Dr to look at hormones...You are not old, time is just moving too quickly lol Have a great day!
2 people like this
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
29 Oct 09
Stormy! “I am on my way to becoming the worthless nothing that I feel like I've always been...” What? No, no, you are a precious gem my dear, don’t talk like that!
I suffer from depression, I have all my life and I didn’t realise just how bad it was until I saw my doctor and she prescribed antidepressants for me which I did not want to take but she convinced me to give them a shot for a month. Thank God, I did! I finally feel how ‘normal’ people do! I went back to the doctor and told her this is a miracle, how can a little pill make such a difference? She said, “It will do that if you have an imbalance in your brain which causes you to feel depressed most of the time” We worked out that for me; it is genetic because my mother and sister are miserable most of the time too.
I am not advocating medication I just wanted to share my little story to let you know that I appreciate what you are going through because I’ve lived it on a regular basis since childhood. I had a crappy upbringing from an unstable mother so that didn’t help and I can relate to the feelings of being worth nothing, zero, nada.
Now that those little chemicals are all in their appropriate places, I know that I have a lot to give to this world and that I am an okay person just as I am and there are some who care about me and so are you Stormy, my God, you are so gifted! Look at your gifts and the good things in your life. By the way have you seen a doctor? I started seeing a psychologist a 76 year old bohemian woman who works barefoot and flies aeroplanes, she is absolutely brilliant!
Do you have someone you can talk to? You have me for a start, anytime...
2 people like this
@Little_Stormy (6883)
• United States
29 Oct 09
I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate having you as a friend. You have such a kind heart!
Thank you!
((((((((HUGS!)))))))
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
30 Oct 09
Sweet you are not worthless so never even say that
As for sleep well it locks everything out for a while, but you do need to try and get to the Doctor as for People who can fix you and can't well I guess you better tell them the best way to fix you is to leave you be and try and fix it yourself
Big Hugs to you
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
28 Oct 09
Hey sweets...........what concerns me most about your post is your feeling of becoming a 'worthless nothing'. Don't I know!
And I'm not going to give you a pep talk or anything else that will just waste your time, as I know very well how resistent we are to well meaning crap when we are deep in depression.
BUT
I will give you a link that I hope you will check out. It helped me...........
http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/help.html
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
2 people like this
@pixeltwistr (613)
• United States
29 Oct 09
Thanks for starting this discussion Little_Stormy.
I cant give you much advice since I dont know you well yet...but it HAS to have something to do with winter i think....because I have been going through the exact same thing lately....
I spent most of 6 years in bed honestly...and about 2 years ago i got myself up and decided i HAD to do something about it...so I started communicating with people online and reading a LOT of spiritual type books and I have been ok but some days I have to admit it is a real struggle between keeping going and giving up....
But these last couple of weeks most days I have been going back to bed as soon as I get home from taking my daughter to school and staying there all day....
Ive seen some other similar discussions to...so maybe there is something to the winter time blues thing!
Hope you feel better soon!
2 people like this
@Little_Stormy (6883)
• United States
29 Oct 09
Thank you for sharing your own experience.. knowing that I'm not the only one.. and feeling less isolated and alone does help quiet a bit. :)
1 person likes this
@jodylee_04530 (1097)
• United States
29 Oct 09
Hi Little_stormy. That was a nice rant. I can understand a little on the sleeping through depression. It is sort of my MO. I have learned to live with it, as it sounds you have. Just try hard to remember that each time someone tries to help, each time someone comes up with a new idea to snap you out of it, they only want what they think is best for you, and by doing that they care about you. I hope you have a couple smiles tomorrow that are real!
2 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
29 Oct 09
Aww--come on now don't say or even think you're worthless....and here's a big virtual hug for ya ((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
and snap out of it
To be honest I haven't been "myself" for quite awhile either. I used to be very disciplined and got things done and never procrastinated about anything, but now I have the "I'll do it tomorrow" attitude and often don't do my planned things even the next day. I too seem to be sleeping more when I used to get by on just six hours of sleep...now I sleep 8 or 9 which is considered "normal" but just not like me and it takes me forever to haul my azz out of bed...yet ironically when I know I should go to bed, I don't want to...I've always been a night owl, but my hours are really getting bizarre, even for me.
To be honest I haven't been "myself" for quite awhile either. I used to be very disciplined and got things done and never procrastinated about anything, but now I have the "I'll do it tomorrow" attitude and often don't do my planned things even the next day. I too seem to be sleeping more when I used to get by on just six hours of sleep...now I sleep 8 or 9 which is considered "normal" but just not like me and it takes me forever to haul my azz out of bed...yet ironically when I know I should go to bed, I don't want to...I've always been a night owl, but my hours are really getting bizarre, even for me. 2 people like this
@cryw0lf (1302)
• United Kingdom
28 Oct 09
I feel the exact same way to be honest. My mother every morning comes up stairs to make sure I'm taking my anti-depressants. I've had so many people say, "Let me help you." "I can fix you." Not one has. If i can't fix myself then how can others fix me? Are you taking any tablets, because when i take a particular tablet (which doesn't actually make me feel any better) i end up sleeping for 16-18 hours. (So i'm taking it regularly to wear the effects off again).
I suppose atleast you could do a fake smile. But then people don't poke around me because they think i'm unhappy. They KNOW i'm unhappy, they just don't understand why. Neither do I. But then they bug me..
1 person likes this
SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!! 
@Little_Stormy (6883)
• United States
29 Oct 09
Love ya too Bear :)
Thanks Plunk.. just finding energy to do any of that is a tall order to fill..
thanks for caring, my friend :)
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
29 Oct 09
Stormy,
I'm assuming that you are on some kind of medication that is not working or should be replaced? I've been on anti-depressents for like 20 years but never experienced the type of depression you are experiencing. I don't know your history and I wish I could say something to brighten your day. The truth is, only you can decide what to do. So I won't offer any advice unless you want me to but I do hope you are able to get a handle on it soon. Hugsss
Leenie
1 person likes this
@Little_Stormy (6883)
• United States
29 Oct 09
No, I'm not. You can find my reasons up there ^^
I've had a longggg battle with depression, my earliest memory of being depressed would amaze you (though I didn't know there was a name for it)
depression runs through my family like wildfire and it scares me because I see it being handed down to my own children.
I do appreciate your hugs very much :)
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
4 Nov 09
people who are close to me can pretty much tell when i am depress, no matter if i sleep or awake. if my grumping or whatever. but these are the ones who cares and love you when they notice it.
but if you feel that the depression is getting worst go and talk with your doctor or who ever to help with meds. dont allow yourself sink totally into depression.
when i find myself depress again i have to keep telling myself and remind myself who does care and love me. and i need to think if i need to get back on meds or not. i also pray alot as well.
best of luck to you
@landerson254 (191)
• United States
28 Oct 09
Wake up!! lol I have these same feelings and tiredness...I am on Zoloft that evens these swings out...You are not!!! crazy, and people meaning well, have no damn idea what they are taking about!! If you had an infection, would you take anti-biotics? Well, then, why not an anti-depressant?!! There is NO shame in asking for help..Depression does hurt!! not only yourself but others that love you. I have been dealing with this for years..my children have inherited the same disease...they too take meds..It is a chemical imbalance and nothing to do with crazy!! Some people take vitamin b shots because they have a deficiency, or vitamins to prevent things...same thing with my zoloft..It does help!!! Wish you the best...
@landerson254 (191)
• United States
28 Oct 09
Sometimes medicines have to be adjusted to your particular situation..they gave me one that made me tired and sleepy,(Not good!) But it does take about 2 weeks for you to adjust...the difference has been amazing...
@Little_Stormy (6883)
• United States
29 Oct 09
I've tried MANY anti-depressive medications and I really don't think they are meant for me.
I've taken some that took the edge off my depression but I had to put up with sweating like a horse and drinking all the time to have enough moisture to sweat so much (it seems). Walking from one room to the other resulted in pools of sweat.. and I've never been a sweaty type person. it used to take A LOT to break sweat.
I took some that made my hands shake so hard that I couldn't feed myself or put a glass to my own lips without spilling it.
I took one that made my depression worse.
I took one that turned me into a zombie... I didn't talk, laugh, smile, communicate, because I couldn't form a complete thought. (that was no fun at all!)
I took several that did nothing at all..
I took one that made me gain 10 pounds in 2 weeks!
I took one that made my memory disappear and I had to rely on notes that I wrote to myself.. even the tiniest things had to be written down. (example: lock the door, wash clothes, call mom, walk the dog and I still wonder if I fed him enough or too much..)
I took one that made me have the most realistic nightmares that my family begged me to stop taking them because I would wake up screaming almost nightly.
I've been around the block with meds a time or 40.. I'm glad that they work for some people and wished they did for me too.
1 person likes this
@Rycharde (18)
•
19 Dec 09
Hi, this rather reminds me of myself some years back. I can't even remember how many years passed maybe... maybe just one or two but it seemed like ages. But apart from sleeping a lot - coz I couldn't always face the sunshine - I vowed that I was going to get myself out of my depression. No medicines, no therapy (mmm... the 2 therapists I saw were crazier than me!!) and that meant no hiding - from the world, maybe, but not from myself.
So, rather than going up towards the light I went deeper and deeper into the darkest corners of my psyche. A lot of reading, a lot of writing, a lot of questioning: why, why, WHY?!I wrote about this here: http://cures-for-depression.blogspot.com/
There are only 3 articles on the blog as I wrote them in response to someone on another site and somehow didn't know if they were worth carrying on.
Thing is, my counter-intuitive method is what nobody seems to tell people to try. Sometimes the way out means going down into the valley then up the side of the next mountain. It worked for me. I came out of it after some energizing revelations. I also learnt a lot. I learnt hypnosis, I learnt lucid dreaming and I learnt to meditate.
I hope this may help and if anybody wants to ask anything about my method (hah! everyone has to have their 'method', right!?) then feel free to ask. When I was depressed the outside world was just not important - the only important things were inside.
@royal52gens (5488)
• United States
3 Nov 09
Scoot over. I am ready for my nap also. I have been so depressed for so long. I have short bursts of energy and activity. But they don't last long at all. Don't you just hate the people who think they can "fix ya". They are actually annoying. The ones who tell you to "snap out of it" have no understanding or knowledge of depression.
