Why do some men beat their wives: domestic violence #1

@manong05 (5030)
Philippines
November 2, 2009 4:37am CST
In a modern and highly civilized society, this should never happen but it does. Why? In my long years of being married, I have never lift a finger to hurt my wife not only because she may hit back LOL but I could never stomach it. It still puzzles me why some men do this. Is it because of feeling of superiority? To express control over the wife? A sign of emotional immaturity on the part of the men? There maybe some underlying reasons. What do you think the reasons are? I'm sure your hubby will not do this, but for the sake of argument, in case he does what will you do?
1 person likes this
18 responses
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
I will hit back, of course! hahahaha. There were petty quarrels and even serious arguments but we didn't get to the point of hitting each other. I don't understand why some husbands resort to hitting women. Yes, it might be because of his feeling of superiority. Or might be otherwise (being inferior because wife is superior in some ways; sometimes wives earn more than husbands). Or might be that the wife's mouth is faster than the speed of light and in order to win an argument, he has to put a stop by hitting her? In case this happened to me in the past when he was still alive, I might resort to reporting the matter to the Women's Desk of any police station and eventually file a case against him and eventually, one for legal separation, too.
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
Another blooming avatar my friend. You are correct there. I think that's one reason why I didn't think of hitting my wife, for fear that she might hit back and give me a deadly blow hahaha. Filipinas have the reputation of being fighters LOL. To the extent that some go the the extent of cutting........ I'm sure you know what I mean. Yes, when a man does this, normally the marriage will go down down the drain straight away. There are exceptios though.
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
cutting the malunggay? hahahaha
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
hahaha, naughty girl, naughty you are naughty! hahahaha!
• Australia
2 Nov 09
Well, after almost 50 years of being very happily married, I can't imagine it happening. I think if it did, I'd be so awestruck that I'd do nothing - and then wonder if he had a brain tumour or something. It just won't happen. I guess there are many reasons why men do this, but statistics show that an abused child will often become an abuser. I am so thankful that I broke the chain, and that after 22 years of intolerable abuse, I did not become an abuser. When I think of my third step-father, who was the most evil person imaginable, I wonder what on earth could have happened in his life to make him the person he was. He wasn't an abused child, but something must have happened.
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
For an abused child to become an abuser is a common expectation but for someone who doesn't have a history of abuse and suddenly turn to be an abuser is something to think about. There must be something that have happened in one's life to cause a sudden turn around. I was surprised that in the US alone, FBI estimates that every 15 seconds, a woman is battered. This is indeed a vicious cycle that only the grace of God can break and experience complete freedom.
• Australia
2 Nov 09
I don't have the figures handy on women abuse, but the figures on child abuse in Australia are alarming. There is a REPORTED child abuse every 1.65 minutes and a SUBSTANTIATED case of child abuse every 9.5 minutes.
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
I never thought that the frequency will be as high as this. This is indeed alarming. Incidentally, I am a board member of a street children foundation here and we are also faced with the same problem of children being abused and thrown to the streets to live. Their experiences in the cruel streets are horrifying and the problems are nowhere near to reaching a solution and it's getting worse.
@Fulltank (2896)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
Its not because of one showing his manhood or the dominant one or taking control over the other. Its simply because the man is very "sick" and needs medical attention. I cannot think of any other reason for doing it with the one whom you loved the most. If hes not emotionally sick, then maybe he's an animal, the lowest of its form.
• Mexico
2 Nov 09
Hi Full tank: you don't hurt those who you really love. If someone hits the person he/ she loves, this person must be sick and need to visit a psychiatrist for his/ her own sake and the one's he/ she love. If you love someone you won't treated like an object with no feelings. If you love someone you respect his/ her dignity and you won't use him/ her as it was your posession. Thanks for your answer.
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
3 Nov 09
You have a good point there Fulltank, for all that has been said, it still goes down to the problem of a sick mind. No person in his right mind would deliberately hurt the one he said he loves.
@remaster74 (4066)
• Greece
2 Nov 09
Thanks for letting all of us be part of a discussion, that I think I rarely see it anywhere. First of all, I used to be a victim of domestic violence. My ex-husband used to hit me, for his reasons, and I used to be in the state of constant terror. Men seem to react like that in order to avoid serious discussions, in order to teach their wives who's the boss in the house and stuff like that. There are some cases that these men do it because they have mental problems. The only think that I have to say to these men is that: be careful what you do, because you don't know what you'll get back. My son really hates his father because he saw his daddy hitting his mammy. And nothing to say or do can change that. Of course, he made me sedriously killing him, if he ever try to even touch me with a finger.
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
Yes I agree with you remaster, we really never know what hatred can do and it is something that abusive husbands should seriously think about. There is a limit to what a person can take and when one reaches that limit, there's no telling what happens next. And also, "beware the fury of a patient woman"
• Nigeria
14 Nov 09
my husband just hit me today..my face is swollen am weak and very sad. imagine i was caring our baby... its so bad i cant sleep, i cant believe it.
@enola1692 (3325)
• United States
2 Nov 09
Well I think it is a learned thing my dad was abuse by my grandma an he abuse my mom an all 5 of us kids the thing is thank god my brothers an sister broke the chain an realized what my dad did was wrong an the only one that was abusive toward hi wife an kids was my little brother but he got help after we all got to talking to him an he is doing better an by the way my hubby knows what i wentthough growwing up an he knows i wont take it he lays his hands on me I will pop him one thank god I married a prince an as far as our daughters go we let them know noone has a right to put their hands on them
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
I think the same way too that perhaps the husband has a history of abuse and that it became a learned behaviour for him. Isn't it a blessing to have married a prince? You are fortunate enough enola. I wish you all the best in your married life.
@enola1692 (3325)
• United States
2 Nov 09
Well 18 years later i think we grow stronger an it helps that he knew my past with my family so he was understanding annow we also have 2 daughters an when they do something wrong we give them time out or now that they are 14 an16 take something away like the phone or computer an that seems to work for us
@mareca11 (212)
• Philippines
3 Nov 09
Well, maybe one reason is that when these men were young, their fathers tend to beat their moms too. And as a result they beat their wives too. I think that it's not immaturity or whatsoever, I think they beat up women because they have experiences that they relate to it. Like for example, maybe the husband was once being beat up by his father. Maybe when he grows old he too wants to beat people because it has happened to him and it would be some what unfair if it doesn't happen to you, something like that..
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
3 Nov 09
This is one undesirable effect of children seeing their mothers beaten by their fathers, they tend to imitate the same in their married life. Especially those who were beaten together with their moms.
• Indonesia
3 Nov 09
A man who's hurting a woman is not a man, either he's hurting her emotionally or physically, women were built to love and to care and i believe that is God's intention, any man who violate that is against God, and is no longer a man, but a fagot, whatever the reason may be one thing is for sure that man don't fit to be a man, because to be a man is a hard thing for we must be strong and mature both physically and mentally.
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
3 Nov 09
True, hurting a woman is not absolutely not a manly attitude and way out of God's intention in creating a woman. A man is supposed to love his wife and beating is no way a part of loving.
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
3 Nov 09
I am a victim of domestic violence.I think it is a power control thing in some cases, and in others it is pain and anger held inside that a person chooses to release on someone else.I really have no idea why men choose to do this, but those are my two suggestions.
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
3 Nov 09
I agree that it may be a realease of anger and pain inside in some cases. This pain and anger may have several causes too.
• Mexico
2 Nov 09
Rihanna before and after being beaten by her ex - Rihanna before and after being beaten by her ex boyfriend
Hi manong: being a man i disagree this attitude as much as you do and i think men who beat their wives do this because of their family education that taught it a faux men superiority, the must have insecurities, the really don't feel strong and they think they must impose what they want to do by the force. That's horrible and one of the worst actions a man can do. Unfortunetly this still happends in our societies, i remember for exemple the fact that even in the pop world we can watch this terrible situation, did you remember Rihanna who was beaten by her boyfriend? Simply terrible
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
3 Nov 09
Yes this brings to mind Rihanna's experience which indeed is a terrible thing. Men who do this are not strong, on the contrary, they are weak and they compensate for their weakness the act of beating their wives. They want to prove to themselves that they are strong.
• Canada
2 Nov 09
Sometimes it`s because they saw it or even was abused themselves and don`t know anything else. But sometimes it`s because they are not ready for parenthood ( most start in the wives first pregnancy). Whatever the reason they can get help if they want it. Don`t forget that sometimes it`s the wives who are the abusers not the men it`s rare but it does happen.
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
3 Nov 09
True and I remember reading an article about battered husbands. It's the wives who are the abusers and it's exactly the opposite. Perhaps the reasons behind are also similar to reasons why men became abusers. Being children of abusive parents, learned behaviour etc. thanks for your opinion workingmommy
• Italy
2 Nov 09
For my ex, that was a problem coming from his infancy, while there was no violence at his home, there surely were strict rules and his father was (is) a strong man ruling over the family and the mother. I think that taught him that a man is a man only if he rules like a dictator, more he kept on being unfulfilled, unsatisfied with his life. First he switched religion a few times, switched job, switched organization, he was always switching something. After years I have come to learn that he was gay and used to cover up with having girlfriends and being actively looking for a wife, so to cover his preferences to his family. Long story short, his ex-girlfriends (I met some of them) told the same about him and his actions. Never marry a man like that, you're always in time to escape.
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
3 Nov 09
I agree with you that the family can contribute a lot to a man's abusive behaviour. Children with obssesive diciplinarian fathers who are terribly strict to the point that they become dictators tend to imitate the behaviour in their adulthood.
@doormouse (4619)
2 Nov 09
i think it's mainly insecurity and severe warping of the mind,my ex husband used to abuse me and they were his problems
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
3 Nov 09
Yes, insecurity is perhaps one of the reasons and they do it to prove to themselves that they are in control. thanks doormouse
@SouravRC (248)
• India
2 Nov 09
Two ways to look at it. First- A husband beats his wife because in our world might always win. Strong always dominates weak. Physically men are much more aggressive and powerful than women, so that's their reaction. In our so called 'highly civilized' society people drop bomb on hospitals and schools. Don't you think that's also an issue? In our so called 'highly civilized' society we still fight with other countries for power. And there are many more such examples of our civilized world. So my friend might is always the winner. Just human nature. Second - Those who do that are surely don't have any control over their emotions and anger. May be mentally sick. May be something wrong in their upbringing. Whatever, this is absolutely wrong and uncalled for. But my friend, domestic violence just the part of our violent and sick world.
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
Yes my friend, domestic violence is a part of highly civilized but sick society. A society where the strong and mighty take the upper hand and the weak are always the victims. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
@anne25penn (3310)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
They say that wife beating or domestic violence is a cycle, meaning that the husband was exposed to the same kind of violence when he was a child. One of my fears of being married was if I would get a wife-beater-husband. Mind you, these men do not reveal that violent side of them until you are in the marriage. Thankfully, my hubby is not violent. But if ever that he hurts me physically, I will pack my bags and head home, kids in tow. And unless he agrees to therapy, no way am I coming back. Men do this because for them it is normal. It is actually dehumanizing for the woman.
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
2 Nov 09
I'm not sure if there is one single answer as to why men beat their wives. It could be the way family was treated growing up. it may be what he knows. For others it could even be a sense of power. There are so many reasons and excuses for such horrid circumstances. So many cases of domestic violence and abuse are reportedly daily. Yet there are those that go unreported too. It's hard for victims to take a stand against their aggressors when they are afraid of the outcome.
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
I believe that there are complex reasons behind and not a single one will do justice to the underlying causes. I agree with your last sentence that victims find it difficult to make a stand against their agressors for fear of the outcome. Thanks for your thoughts sender621
• United States
2 Nov 09
Well..I'd suspect it happens because of the insecurity and emotional immaturity of the abuser. Granted, that in no way justifies such atrocity, but it is a simple fact of 'being human' that, as a species, we try to control that which we fear. You will not lift a finger against your wife because you do not fear her. You love her and companion with her.. Unfortunately, there are too many who don't know how to love and companion with anyone..Is it a lack in their upbringing? Did they grow up in such an environment? Perhaps so and tho an answer still does not justify it because, as always, choice is involved..another one of those 'being human' things..To which the question then becomes 'Who would choose to be such a viscious, brutal animal?' The only answer I can give to that is that it is someone who requires an extended stay in a private room in a mental institution..
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
Thanks for the input greenfeathers. That it is to a certain degree a mental and psychological case is indubitable. Yes you have a point, why can a man say he loves his wife and at the same time lay his hands on her, isn't this a contradiction in terms? Yes, for whatever reason, dehumanizing a human being, can never be justified, not in anyway.
@gmatthews (155)
• United States
2 Nov 09
I think in a lot of cases it is learned behavior.If they grew up watching their father do it to their mother then it is all they know. To them it is normal. In other cases it may be that they never learned how to handle their emotions. It's the only way they know how to express anger, fear, or sadness. They feel that it's the one thing in their lives that they can control. If my husband hit me...I would leave him. I've been in an abusive relationship before and I know how it has changed me. I will never let it happen again, especially now that I have two boys.
@manong05 (5030)
• Philippines
2 Nov 09
Learned behavior, it is. I agree with you gmatthews. I remember a woman saying to her abusive husband..." if I did not leave you the first and second time you laid hands on me is because I love you, but if I still stay the third time, it will be stupidity and I am not stupid as you think I am." You are right there, I'm sure you will never go through this again especially now that you have 2 boys. I admire you for your courage and determination.
@rosey19 (952)
• Philippines
14 Nov 09
I think there are underlying reasons why they hit their wife. Like, they cannot control their emotions maybe their wife is so nagger (talk and talk) and never listens to his explanations. Way back during their childhood days he maybe experiencing in his own family where his father is bitting up his mother so imitate what he witnessed. When husband hits his wife it is a sign of no respect and love to his wife. I suggest that if the wife or the husband is angry, one must stay calm and compromise.