Different ways of coping
@faeryoftheshire1 (558)
United States
November 16, 2009 4:49pm CST
We all mourn the loss of loved ones differently.It is a comfort when people try an reach out to you when you lose someone but sometimes you deal with it quietly and alone and in your own way.When my mom died and acted up and was mental as we were super close.Now time has passed and it hurts less and I only remember her with smiles.My grandmother passed away a couple months ago..it wasn't a shock as we knew it was coming.And I miss her dearly I do..but what bothered me was one of her friends had commented about the way I was acting..she felt I lacked compassion as I was smiling and not acting like a grieving grand daughter which isn't true as I did cry alone and in my fave meadow after she passed then after I felt better and was out having fun.My grandmother was the sort who wouldn't want me to be sad she'd rather I fill the world with smiles instead.If you sit around and cry and brood they tell you get over it,move on.If your not crying you have no feelings?What is inside me is my buisness and I will share it if I choose to or I am in a moment.I so wanted to tell her off but as she is an elderly I couldn't bring myself to.I know people mean well and have good intentions..and some are just cruel trying to mess with your head.but it comes of in a negative light.How do you cope?And how do you feel when people in around about way judge you for it?Are they being sincere or just being tactless and mean?Just curious...
3 people like this
5 responses
@lyzabelle (1668)
• Philippines
17 Nov 09
Coping can be done in many different ways.
We have our own way of doing it. Sometimes
some people don't understand the way we act
during this moments of loss. But the most important
thing is that deep in yourself you knew how you feel.
@faeryoftheshire1 (558)
• United States
17 Nov 09
That is so true and I agree with you That is exactly my thinking.LOL @ the emoticons!:)
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
17 Nov 09
Hi hun,
Everyone has their own way of grieving, I know because I lost my mother seven years ago and while my eldest sister was screaming and crying, she was been held by several people while i was very quiet and cried alone on my own, people thougt I wasen't showing my grief, I could be just sitting quietly and tears would fall, your grandmother knows how you feel and yes she would rather see you smiling, so go ahead and smile, laugh as your mothere and grandmother is smiling down on you. Please keep in touch hun, I miss you. Hugs.
Tamara
1 person likes this
@faeryoftheshire1 (558)
• United States
17 Nov 09
Hello Tamara*HUGS*...I agree we are all effected in different ways.Yes Nanners knows and that's all that matter.All I know is I have had lots of sorrow and despair this year..that now I want to be smiling again that's all my mother and Nanners wanted.So I am right with them.I miss you too Tamara.I must keep in better touch.Much light and love.XXX
@max1950 (2306)
• United States
16 Nov 09
people seem to think "they" know what your going thru but they dont, they have good intentions, but sometimes they just go overboard, i lost both parents to cancer within a few years of each other, it takes time, and time only, and for me i'd much rather be alone to deal with the loss, i dont need well wishing people hanging over me reminding me of my loss. as for what i feel about people who judge people in that situation they should keep their mouth shut, let them talk, they have no idea whats in your mind and should butt out. i have no problem "what so ever" telling people to butt out in those situations.
1 person likes this
@faeryoftheshire1 (558)
• United States
17 Nov 09
Hi max! I know what you mean..no one can know what's inside you unless they walk in your shoes,even then I bet they get blisters.Sorry for you loss I can relate I lost my mom too cancer too.I am the same I grieve privately and alone.And some people deserve a good talking to when they interfere!
@PurpleTeddyBear (6685)
• Canada
18 Jan 10
Well Hunnie first off I want to say I am sorry for your losses (both mother and grandmother). Everyone deal differently and goes through different stages at different times so I feel that person was REALLY out of line as she isn't you, hasn't walked a mile in your shoes, and has NO idea what your feeling. I really HATE the saying "I know what your going through" Ummmmmm no you don't! The situation could be the same yes, but feelings are personal and only felt by that person! Hope that made sense!
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
16 Nov 09
She had no right to criticize you, but as you say she is your elder, and it is just her own fear coming out. I am sure that you are right that your grandma prefers to look down and see you smiling.
I do not worry about other people's judgment of me and if they insist on voicing it I try to use what is called the art of verbal self-defense to change the dynamics of the conversation. For example, I would say to that person "I know you loved Grandma and were her friend, but I am her flesh and blood and she is my family, so I have to deal with my grief in my own way and that is the way grandma would have wanted it. It is unfortunate if that makes you feel bad."
That way I have gotten it out in the open, and it isn't going to gnaw at me any more and she is on warning that she overstepped her authority, but nobody has said anything cruel, they just expressed their opinions as factually as possible.
If she persisted, I might then say "Crying is not going to bring grandma back, but do you know you are just making it harder for me. Surely that is not your intention!"
1 person likes this
@faeryoftheshire1 (558)
• United States
17 Nov 09
Hello Drannnhh *HUGS*:) Yes I see what you mean about her that makes sense.I love the way you think.And thanks for the advice I will keep that in mind if it happens again.Have a lovely day.
