A child is not a pond to get what you want!!!!
By sjvenden27
@sjvenden27 (1840)
United States
April 6, 2010 2:53am CST
Hi my fellow Mylotters,
My ex and his family think the world revolves around them... Lets start off with his "wonderful father"... j/k Lets see here... its okay not to give a flying f#@k about your son for 6 months, and then expect to have him over the holiday season... mid November through the new year... ya sure right away... that didn't happen... but i told him that he could come visit... did him?? heck no... He didn't get what he wanted so he wasn't going to see his son at all... jerk!!! Then again no contact for months... then in the middle of March, wanting contact again... did he follow through?? NO!!!
Surprised that he didn't say that he wanted my son for Easter... since its a holiday, and all of a sudden he wants to play dad!!! He has a son... What is our son any less important any other day of the year... I THINK NOT!!! Let me explain on thing to you all, its not like my son's father actually plans this stuff in advance... its like a week or less before the holiday is here... kind of like someone or something hit him in the face...
Now its back to no contact again, no arrangements to see his son. Which is his problem, he is missing out on a lot with his son!! Pretty soon his son would be able to walk right passed him and I would doubt if his dad would be able to recognize him...
If you are thinking that this is some way of getting my ex back... well take that idea and put it were the sun doesnt shine!!! Will not ever get back with the jerk!!! No the person that I am concerned about is my son.. Regardless of what I think, and who else may be in our lives, my ex will always be his father... even if he is just a donor...
I personally grew up with out knowing who my dad was; and my ex knows this... I do not want my son to grow up in the same situation... and has used these feelings to his advantage in the past... what ever plans I had, I dropped so he could spend time with his son.. I would remind him that it was time to see his son... and do what ever was necessary to make sure that they saw each other on a regular basis... And no matter how angry I was at his father, I never said anything negative about him in front my son... I made that choice that his dad does not need any help with is reputation, his son will learn those things in the future for himself.
This last holiday season.. I finally put my foot down!!! and said no!! I followed through with my plans with my son and we had a great time... Even through deep down inside I felt guilty that my ex actually wanted to spend time with my son, but I didn't allow it... (I have full custody and placement, my ex has supervised visitation b/c of abuse)
I am taking all necessary steps to keep my son safe!! That is the NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!!! Number two is his happiness!
So I ask you, my fellow mylotters this; as my son gets older and asks about his father... what do i say?? that his dad didn't make time for him... or that something else always seemed to come up... I don't want my son to think that he is unimportant because of what his father did or didn't do... How can I fill this void, if this father doesn't step up to the place? If his father does all of a sudden want to maintain a healthy relationship with my son, where is the line between my son's safety and my son's relationship with his father?
I have plans for the future for my son and I, if his father wants to be part of my son's life well that's his decision to make, not mine.. I have moved on; no longer lingering in the past, with the should of, could ofs.... I have hope for my son; that his father GROWS UP and becomes a REAL FATHER.. My ex will no longer run my life... he may have an opinion on what is happening with my son... but thats a different story... Yes it would be simply for me to ask his father to give up his rights completely... and then create a new life with my son indefinitely... but nothing can replace the dna that flows within his veins... How do I protect my son, without being overbearing?
1 person likes this
3 responses
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
6 Apr 10
You have done your best to create a father and son relationship but since he is not keen to take part in the upbringing of his son and to have a close rapport with him then you might as well sever the ties with him as it is better for your son to be detached from his dad who is good for nothing. I know he will one day regret his actions when he is old and need this young man to care for his welfare. But it is too late as your son might not have a close bond with his father and that might make him see his father as an outsider. All you can do now is to bring up your son singlehandedly without ever making him feel abandoned. Allow him to mingle freely with your male siblings so he won't be totally deprived of a father figure in his life. You just can't force his father to play an active role in his life when he refuse to acknowledge his responsibilities as a father.
2 people like this
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
6 Apr 10
Thank you for your support and kind words.. I know that there was a bond between the two of them when my ex and I were still married.. but that slowly drifted... and now its been 8 months.. without contact between the two... my son is four.. I may be wrong in this i am not sure.. but being that young.. I think his father may becoming a distance memory.. I am not sure how my son would react to his father now.. which bothers me, a little for my son's sake.. the last time that he saw his father he went backwards quite a bit with what he learned before hand... like potty training... counting.. talking... etc.. That's why I haven't been pushing nothing.. my son has surpassed all of that and his learned a lot more.. I would hate for his father just to show up one day.. and having to start all over... self-fish?? possibly.. or on the other hand; protecting his welfare... preparing for school...
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
6 Apr 10
I think you ex has been too bitter over the divorce and he can never get over the trauma. His bitterness might have spilled over to his son. Give him grace period, he might come back when he regain his composure and will come looking for his son in the near future. Just be patient.
@celticeagle (159058)
• Boise, Idaho
6 Apr 10
These questions you have are ones a professional should answer. I would seek a counselor for him. He may have anger issues and self esteem issues to deal with. I would be possitive and good when talking about him father. I would check with the counselor to be sure how to talk to him about his father. It sounds like his dad really needs the help. Hehehe
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159058)
• Boise, Idaho
9 Apr 10
You can put kids in counseling very early. A counselor can help. Earlier the better. In my way of thinking- to heck with the father at this point. The sooner the son starts getting help the sooner he will see the right route not his father's.
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
8 Apr 10
I was planning on putting him in counseling when he gets a little older... I am not sure if he is old enough yet.. Yes his father has some major issues that he needs to get help with... If he does or not is his choice... and well his actions or lack of actions will result in how much lee way I would be willing to have... For my son's sake...
1 person likes this
@Youreyes4Today (2356)
• United States
6 Apr 10
First I want to say you can not break the bonds no matter if your son doesn't see his father until he is an adult and seeks him out himself. That is when your son will make his own Judgement. They could also have a relationship to build at that time too. Can't predict what could happen.
As for now, his father has made choices he will have to live with, and answer to them when his son is an adult and asks directly. He won't be able to blame you or anyone else. Like the saying goes, "if there is a will, there is a way" Then there could be situations going on that you don't know about, that his father hasn't shared, or doesn't want to. You can't second guess what dad is doing. Yes, the anger sets in because of your own past, thing is the father is known for the future if he asks. You can answer him.
Like the previous answer I agree with, talk to a counselor, ask those questions to know how to talk with your son when the time arises. This way you know your doing the right thing for you and your son.
1 person likes this
@sjvenden27 (1840)
• United States
8 Apr 10
I wont break that bond.. I try with all of my might to bite my tongue when something comes up that really rubs me the wrong way.. I know that there are some single parents that believe if the child support is not being paid then it voids the visitation or what not.. First of all I know that this practice is totally illegal for one, and number two what kind of message would that send to my son? That he cant have a relationship with his father because of a dollar amount.. When it is put that way, with nothing else added to it, it sounds very swallow to me.. Also that money is more important than the heart.. Which I do not believe and I hope I can instill that within my son... Yes I can get really pissed, it can make things hard here... but in the end I know that we will make it regardless.. Money can always be replaced... Underneath it all I just know that his father is missing out on soooo much... I am not sure if things would be better or worst if his father was in his life on a more permanent basis.. It can be so frustrating at times... So when I need to vent, about this subject I will proabiliy do it on here; then my son wont be in the middle of my feelings about his father
