Getting married because she is pregnant

United States
April 28, 2010 11:47am CST
Thanks Steve Wilkos. He had this question. Should a couple who don;t love each other get married because they are going to have a baby? I thought yes and no. Yes if the marriage is only for giving the child a family. And no if a marriage is supppose to be based on love. Your thoughts.
34 responses
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
No, I totally disagree to getting married because the girl is pregnant. I believe that people should marry for love. Of course people should make love only if they are in love but, nowadays, it's becoming a step in a relationship. But anyway, getting married to each other because of one "accident" is usually the reason why people are seeking divorce, annulment or ending up separated. They know they don't like each other much and don't even plan to be together for long but because they weren't taking the necessary precautions, the girl ends up being pregnant. And because she's looking at a future of a child without a father, and still wants the "best" for her kid, she will marry the guy. Unfortunately, not all conventional ways is the best way. Getting married is the second to the last step in living, and once a pair commits to that, it should be for good.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 10
Second to last step? I don't understansd? What if you never marry nor have kids?
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
I was talking about how normally, marriage is one of the biggest steps you will do before you die. Kind of like a milestone. But my point is, since marriage is a milestone, the couple should not waste it. If they don't like each other, then there's no point in getting married. Anyone can be a parent, and the guy can still be a father to the baby without having to marry the pregnant girl. But getting married without loving each other would be like a waste of vows.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 May 10
Ok. I understand. Marriage is one milestone I will never reach. Thanks for your response.
@Ritchelle (3797)
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
i think love follows when everything is going right and this could only happen when a child has what he should have: a mother and a father. once a child enters in this world, the mother specifically has to think more of the child than of herself. personally, am a mother, and i would think twice about letting my child be friends with someone whose mother freely chose to get pregnant and not have a father for him or the father left the family. attitudes, behaviors are both processed by the brain and we all know how physiologically we inherit the mere appearance of our brain, of course the way it would process information and dictate the body what to do, comes along too.
• United States
29 Apr 10
Woo. Do you mean since I lost my dad when I was 12 , I can't love because I didn't have a father? Do you mean if your child has become a friend of a child like me , your child would have to stop hanging out with them? Just because I didn't have a father? Wow! That's so sad . Just because a person didn't want to be a parent and leaves means the child is Forever damaged. If that child has at least one person , parent or not, that loves them , they will be fine . And they will learn how to love.I'm living proof.
1 person likes this
@Ritchelle (3797)
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
ooops. am from the philippines and it is only a rare instance here that a pregnant woman would choose not to give her child a father. it's oftentimes the black sheep of the family here so...that is in further explanation to what i mentioned in my first post. good thing i didn't receive a tirade of hate words from you. thanks. peace .
1 person likes this
@jeeyah (1092)
• Philippines
28 Apr 10
Although getting married for the sake of a child sounds practical, if you think about it, it will have negative effects on the parents and the child in the long run. If they don't really love each other, it will show throughout the course of their relationship, and the child will be affected by it sooner or later. However, there are some cases where the couple eventually learn to love each other after marriage, but it's very rare, and most marriages like this are usually bound to failure. If the couple doesn't marry, then the child will not have a complete family at first, but perhaps someday, the child's mother will marry someone whom she truly loves, and so the child will have an almost perfectly happy family. On the other hand, if the couple marries without love, either they can go on with their relationship and have a not-so-happy family, or they can divorce later on. Either way, the child will be affected negatively, and will just have a broken family. So, I guess if the couple doesn't really love each other at all, then they should NOT marry just for the child.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Apr 10
Agreed! Either the child will assume that marriage isn't suppose to love in it because Mommy and Daddy don't love each other. Or the child may lose contact with one of their parents because they don't live together. I am so old fashioned when it comes to marriage and kids, that's why I don;t want either! I still believe in an arranged marriage where you have kids and love may or may nit be there. It is more about furthering the family tree than being happy. So That's why I will Never marry.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
29 Apr 10
One one side you say you believe on arrange marriage where its more about having family and stability in life than love.Then you say you are not going to marry becasue you believe on these things? Dont you think so changing your old fashion ways and going out and finding love make sense.
28 Apr 10
I don't think I will marry the girl just because of the child..I can be a good father to the child without marrying her..for me marriage is very sacred that you will bound yourself to the girl you really love in front of god and not just because she is pregnant.. :))
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Apr 10
Wow. I never thought of marriage like that.Thanks for your response.
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
I agree to that . Marriage is a lasting vow that it must not happen because of pregnancy only. Both parties must be prepared for a new life together and not just be prepared to be a parent. Being a good mother and father is not just attained by being married, there are other ways.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Apr 10
I would not want myself or my child to marry just for the sake of a child. This would cause more stress on the couple and on the child. This would not be good for either of them to do. When the child grows up and finds out it would not sit right with them either. If I can't marry for love then I can't marry at all. Kids have enough stress being born into this cruel world doing this to them would not be right.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Apr 10
I never thought of trying to add love to marriage.I never wanted kids so That's why I never will marry. I'm soo old fashioned. yo get married Just to have kids.
@lmcueva (169)
• Philippines
28 Apr 10
I agree. It would just make things more complicated than they already are if two individuals tie the knot without being ready. Both of them should agree on raising the child as best as they could, without necessarily being married to each other. Their families and friends should also be their support in this point of their lives when they most need it.
1 person likes this
7 May 10
I don't think it is fair on the child if you get married JUST because of the baby, if you really don't love each other, the chances are you never will and the marriage may well end in divorce, which would be much harder for the child in the future than their mother and father never been married. I had a friend whose parents divorced when she was in high school, around 14/15, and it killed her to see her parents separating, and she now no longer speaks to or sees her dad because of it, she would have preferred them never to have married in the first place. There is always the chance you will "grow to love each other", but you need to care a great deal about each other in the first place for this to happen, you need to be best friends, if you barely even know each other and marry for the sake of a child, it has a strong chance of not working!!! Marry for love, not for a childs sake, it may be tradition- but it's not law for parents to be married! Live together for a while, see how you get on, give a relationship a real go whilst pregnant, and then maybe see about getting married when the child is a couple of years old IF you have grown to love each other, but don't rush into it!!! A child does need a family- but families come in all shapes and forms these days, whether its a mother and father who are married, a mother a step father and a father and step mother, two fathers, two mothers, or even grandparents who are the main caregiver. A family doesn't has a set structure and only comes in one form, so long as your child has love and stability, they have everything they need from their family.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 May 10
I agree with your last paragraph. The mom and dad who are married And love each other seems to be rare these days.A family Should be formed by love , not gender or a marriage Only. I am not pregnant Thank G-d . This was just such a great question U had to ask. All but one has said no, marriage should be based on love.I still say I will never marry nor have children.
@Kisha14 (117)
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
Having a child is a big responsibility, you've done it then you should be responsible with it.You got pregnant with lust,then if we get married to the one we don't love then its a big mistake, but Love can possibly learn if we want it.Sometimes pleasure can make a big mistake that we cant go back anymore.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 10
But just because we made a baby , doesn't mean we Have to keep it. There are options, marrying the person is just one.
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
well it depends on the situation and the individuals of different parties. i believe that if there's love, passion and trust then there could be a chemistry not disaster.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 10
In this case , there was passion but no love. Should thery get married?
@libramie (563)
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
The best and basic foundation of marriage is love. Then why getting into marriage without love then broke up thereafter. Its still not giving the child a family but a broken family. However sometimes life is like a gambling, love was grown when they're reunited with a baby, very rare happens If I'm not wrong. So its all yours to take the risk.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 10
I never thought of mixing love with marriage. For me, and me alone I see, I could have one Or the other. Mixing them seeems strange to me. I will never marry nor have children , Thank G-d!
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
wish we could hve both right? well it depends on the situation and the individuals. morality and values are considered.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 10
Both? Love and marriage Or Marriage and kids? I agree , it does depend on the morals of the couple.
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
29 Apr 10
When someone is pregnant, it is a huge responsibility. Getting maried is a commitment that combines the lives of two. You can still be a parent without getting married. You should marry for the right reasons. You should marry for love and because you want to spend the rest of your life with your special someone. Having a child with that person is an added bonus. Think about your reasons and what the future holds before deciding to get married for a child.
• United States
29 Apr 10
I never thought of marrying So I could spend the rest of my life with the man I love. I havev seen too many happy couples break up After they married. I prefer to love my man and Not marry him. As for kids I never wanted them. This was just a good question , I Had to post it. Thanks for your response.
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
The answer is a clear no. It's a disaster waiting to happen. You'll only end up hurting yourself, your would-be spouse and your child in the process. Now a days, love is not even enough. I once loved my husband and now, after 5 years of marriage and after a child, were on our way to separation. We've been battling our differences since we got married and we still have no idea how to resolve them even though we know we loved each other. and if you don't have love in the first place, it would even be harder to work out. So i suggest you just take care of the baby in separate ways, spend some time together with the child, but you really don't need to get settled down and get married.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 10
I'm sorry to hear about your husband. I am not pregnant . It was just a question, a damn good question I Had to post. Me, I never thought love and marriage went together. I saw it as a family obligation and it was to have children. But since I wasn't being forced to have children, I never will marry. I prefer to be happy thank you. As for kids , I never wanted kids. Enough about me. I hope you and your husband cab work it out where your child gets to see Both of you .And since you Still love each other , maybe you two can work it so your love doesn't turn to hate. I wish good luck.Take care.
@charylady (424)
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
i don't think a couple should marry because of an unplanned pregnancy. many teens find themselves in this situation and it used to be that a shotgun wedding would be the next step. but not anymore. nowadays the girl's parents no longer insist that the guy marry their daughter. i know of some parents who have refused to have their daughters marry even when the guy (and his parents) offered. marriage is a long-term commitment and should be entered into by a couple who are prepared to honor the commitment.
• United States
29 Apr 10
Oh! So a marriage should Only be based on love , nothing else? Ok. Thanks for your response.
@jd107nette (1457)
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
well, i have encountered one case that's quite like that... my friend's buddy was having an intimate relationship with this particular girl... i don't really have any idea if they are in love or what... then the girl got pregnant... the guy was surprised about it because all along he knew that the woman was taking precaution or something... but it all happened already and they were forced to marry... now several problems arouse... they already had a son but the guy, was having an affair... the mistress was actually his real girlfriend before.... and everything is just so complicated.. so i think, if they will marry just because the woman got pregnant and they do not love or get along very well, better not...
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 10
I must be from another era. I assume my husband , if I ever had one!,would have a mistress at one time or another. But I can see where things coul get complicated.
@jewels49 (1784)
• United States
29 Apr 10
People marry for alot of reasons, but without love..you don't make a family and you certainly don't make one with longevity, or an environment that a child will thrive in either. Marriage isn't a requirement when it comes to giving a baby 2 responsible and loving parents that are both comitted to the child, even of they aren't to each other.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 10
Ok! Well said. Thanks for your response. Now I Know why I never will marry or have kids. I don't have the desire to do either.I never will be responsible enough for a child , nor do i ever think I could love a husband. Thanks . I have known I would never marry since I was 7 butI Never had the vocabulary to explain why.
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
I don't think having a baby together should be the basis of getting married or binding yourself with someone for the rest of your life. Love should be present for two persons to enter marriage. If you just marry for the sake of the child without love, how sure are you that this kind of marriage will be for the rest of your life since it doesn't have its very foundation in the first place.
• United States
29 Apr 10
Call me cynical but I never thought Anything linkd to marriage would last forever.So Only love should be the foundataion for marriage? Ok. Thanks for your response.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
29 Apr 10
I dont think so its a good thing too marry a person just because she got pregnant.But you need to sit down with her and decide how you guys are going to raise that kid.Kid is reality and there is no point in running away from this reality.So though you dont marry you need to contribute in bringing up this kid.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Apr 10
Or not. the couple could decide to give the child up for adoption. I agree that the couple should sit down and discuss what they are going to do.
@joan2010 (45)
• China
29 Apr 10
Because she is pregnant so the couple should get married for the sake of the child.But if the couple don't love each other ,there will be many problem the process of marriage,and that will affect the child badly.So you may want to be responsible for the child to get married at firt but at last you just hurt the child deeply.Before making decision think and weigh everything .
• United States
30 Apr 10
I am not pregnant. It was just a great question. I agree. The couple should sit down and weigh the pros and cons . and Then decide what they want to do.
29 Apr 10
If someone is getting married because she is pregnant, it will not work. you will live in a world full of lies. Anyway each of you can share the same responsibility though you are not marreid. If the man is responsible enough he could have help you raise the child. I really beleive that getting married should based on love.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Apr 10
I'm not pregnant , thank G-d. i just thought this was a great question. Thanks for your response.
@Yori88 (1468)
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
I think they should not get married if it is just for the child's sake. I know there are a lot of people who will disagree with me but my points are these: First, the first and last reason why marriage should push through is because of love. The rest are in the middle, (e.g. getting companion, for parents sake, friends influence, getting someone to share your life with, for having own family etc.) Second, they don't love each other which is a great risk. Risk because what if the "give-it-a-try" theory won't work? I know that there are a lot of people who believes in the saying "I can learn how to love him/her in the long run or after marriage." What if the opposite happens? Third, there are already a lot of cases wherein a child was born without a father or he bears his mother's last name or that he does not even get the chance to meet his father. That is already a common and accepted case in the society. Of course I am not promoting that to happen but if that is really the case that his mom just happened to get pregnant without any love for his father, so be it. He is not alone anyway. I am not encouraging giving births here without wedlock, but what I encourage is never marry someone you don't love no matter what the reason is. It would be better to marry someone you truly love then separate in the end for some unworkable reasons, than marry someone and spend your whole life regretting of the decision you made. That is all my point, thanks.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Apr 10
I agree. " Learning to love " doesn't work. You either love someone o you don't.After reading all these comments I see that any marriage that isn't based on love is doomed.I never thought about trying to mix love and marriage. And I thought the Only reason to marry Is to have children. Now I see it is better not to marry if you aren't going to love your spouse. Thanks for your response.