Duped, the child was never mine.

Duped, the child was never mine - To aid the story of how I was duped into believing a child was mine just so that I would stay in the womans life.
Ireland
September 21, 2010 12:08pm CST
In 2003 I was dating a woman that I'll refer to as Amy for arguments sake. At the time I didn't see the relationship going any further and I decided to end it. Amy was pretty upset but we agreed to go our separate ways. About one year later I met her in town and she had a fairly young baby with her. She asked me to go for a coffee with her and I hesitated but she explained that it was very important she spoke to me so I reluctantly agree. When we were sitting down she began to explain that the child was mine and she never contacted me to tell me as she thought that I wouldn't want anything to do with the child. Needless to say I was shocked, delighted at the fact I was a father but shocked none the less. One the next few months I would visit them daily in order to try bond with the child. After a while one thing lead to another and myself and Amy became intimate again. After another short period I moved in along with them and I was pretty happy for a number of years. One night then at a party a friend of hers let it slip(perhaps intentionally) that I was extremely good to be raising a child thats not even mine. As soon as she said it she acted as though she shouldn't have, made her excuses and left. I didn't say anything to Amy at first and it really played on my mind. So one day when she came home from work I told her that I had been to the hospital and had a blood test done to see if I was in fact the Father(I hadn't done this at all) and I asked her did she have anything she wanted to tell me. She broke down crying and admitted that when we broke up she had slept with two other guys and that one of them was the Father. After a lot of arguing I packed my bags and moved into an apartment about ten miles away. I still keep in touch with the child as the way I see it it wasn't her doing and she did grow up with the idea that I was her Father. It was a very dark time in my life and needless to say I spoke to anyone and everyone that would listen to me about it. One thing I found was that this wasn't an uncommon thing. It seems to have happened to most guys at one stage or another and if not then they at least no somebody it happened to. Has this happened to you or do you know of anyone that it has happened to? I'd be interested in hearing your story. Thank you.
1 person likes this
12 responses
@emarie (5453)
• United States
22 Sep 10
It's something hard to go through and the sad part is is that it's pretty common out there. Mothers not knowing the father of their child and although you feel you're suffering, the real victim here is that child because they really don't know better. When I first met my husband, although sudden, one of the first 'what if' questions came up (it's a woman way of testing a guys logic out if you didn't know..so if you hear a question starting with 'what if' thinking about it seriously) I was pretty surprised and relived of the answer. I asked him (new boyfriend at the time), If I was pregnant with another man's child, what would you do? And he answered clear as day, that he would love it like his own. Because if he was there for it from the beginning, blood or not, it would still be HIS child in his mind. So in the end, I married him and of course I gave him 2 children...his blood and all. But you asked if I knew anyone in that situation, I do, and it was my ex boyfriend. The reason I made that comment because I thought I might have been pregnant my this guy (thankfully..I wasn't) but in the time of our relationship when we were finally 'officially' dating as a boyfriend and girlfriend, he admitted to me he had met and slept with one of his ex girlfriends and then broke up with me. Needless to say, I was pissed. Me and him worked together on an internship together with a group of other people so I had to still see him and be on somewhat talking terms with him after that. About a month after that he told me he (well the whole room, not me specifically) was going to be that father and his ex girlfriend (nor current I guess) was the pregnant. I was SO upset at the time that I had called a friend to vent out my aggression and maybe get some advice. My friend was busy and handed me to one of his friends that was there at the time (a person I had never met) and I started talking to him. A year later that person became my husband. SO fast forward to 2 years past and I'm married with a newborn child living in a different state from my ex. I'd recently got onto a computer and somehow (I don't remember how)I had contacted my ex, mostly because he owed my about $500.00 so I was eager to see if he'd pay me back. I had given him my number (with my husbands permission) and one day he had called me. He began to tell me he had entered the military to help support his new family. He didn't marry the girl but had her living with him. When he wanted to put his child on his military medical or something similar, the military required he have a DNA test with the child to make sure it was his. He thought it was his so he agreed and he found out from them that the child wasn't his. When he slept with his ex when we were together, she had ALSO slept with another guy, that same week. So she really didn't know who the father was either. I was shocked (although slightly delighted because of Karma) to hear this and I told him I was sorry it happened to him, but he said he decided to leave and not even contact the child again. That sounded like him because he didn't care about much when we were together. I didn't exactly know what he wanted from telling me this so I made sure to let him know I was happily married with a child of my own now and we said our goodbyes and didn't keep in contact much. Through myspace though I've seen that he's finally had a baby and I messaged him asking..."is this one really yours" and he said yes so hopefully he learned his lesson from the last time. Personally, I think you should keep in the child's life and either her father, or a close uncle. If you don't love the mother, it's fine, but like you said, it wasn't the child's fault that all this happened and if you were with her for years, you need to continue to be there for her to ensure her future relationships with men. Any child needs a supportive, positive male figure in their life. Those goes for both boys and girls. Boys need someone to relate to them and show them the ways of men, girls need one because woman tend to date someone who reminds them of their father because their father is supposed to be a trusted man in their life. I hope everything goes good with you and that child.
• Ireland
22 Sep 10
Thanks for adding your experience to the discussion emarie, its appreciated. How old was the child when your ex found it wasn't his and he turned his back on them? I wouldn't be able to do that. In my eyes it was a horrible trick my ex pulled on me and I honestly don't know if I'll ever forgive her but it has nothing to do with the child, thats why I'll always be close to her, she still calls me Dad as we haven't told her anything about it but I'll have to some day as I don't want her to go through life thinking I just walked out on them for my own selfish reasons you know. Did you ever get your $500 back? Although by the sound of your ex I don't think I need to ask, I'm pretty sure you didn't. Best of luck emarie and thanks again for your comment and support.
@emarie (5453)
• United States
23 Sep 10
for my calculations, the baby would have been 2-3...I'm not exactly sure. But yeah, I know he didn't return to that child and hopefully he's actually taking care of the one he has now. As for the money...yeah..its a lost cause, but if I ever run into him in the future you know I'm asking about it again. He's trying to be a rapper, so you know how that would go. lol And I think it's good that you're still in the child's life. I wouldn't be able to handle turning my back on a kids still calling me Daddy (mommy) either. I think telling her when she's older is better. If you raised her and took care of her..she's already yours. Not by blood, but by heart.
@ShepherdSpy (8562)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
22 Sep 10
Who was this Woman friend of "Amy" you met at the party that opened up the can of worms for You? And how did She know the truth about the Child's Parentage? Did you discover how widespread the knowledge was of this at any time? On the bright side,You may not have been the Child's Father,but at least She has a "Dad" in You...
• Ireland
22 Sep 10
Thanks for that Shepherd, it was nice of you to say. The friend in question was a girl named Claire Deanz, I think that they're actually distant cousins but I'm not certain and to this day I still don't know why she told me. At the time she made it seem as though she accidentally blurted it out but at the same time I sort of got the impression she told me on purpose, if you know what I mean. I'm not sure how wide spread it was either but Claire(the girl that told me) was from the town over which was about ten miles away, so either she was out with my ex at the time it happened or it was wide spread enough to reach the next town at least. Though I never heard it from anybody else, nobody ever dropped any hints or anything either. However widespread it was its done with now anyway. I'd love to apply for custody but because shes not mine at all no Judge would award me custody, its pretty hard to deal with. Thanks again for your comments Shepherd seriously.
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
23 Sep 10
Relationships are tough enough when the couple are doing everything to be open and supportive of one another..What "Amy" did was just wrong to manipulate your sense of responsibility as a "Father" to Her Daughter..I'd agree with with your gut feeling about the "Accidentally-but-on-purpose" way you found out the truth..Would you want to find out at this stage the reason why Claire told you, perhaps thinking You deserved to know over Amy's objections to you finding out? or does it matter now?
• Singapore
22 Sep 10
Sorry to hear this :( I've never heard of anyone going through this. Perhaps your ex really wanted you to be the child's father and the one who got her pregnant could be a bad guy.
• Ireland
22 Sep 10
I don't think she even knows who he is actually, apparently it was a one night stand. Thats what she told my mother anyway. For some reason when it happened my Mother felt she had to go and quiz her over it. She never really provided any answers and now for some reason shes not talking to me. Thanks for adding to the discussion Judge
• Singapore
22 Sep 10
You're welcome. Well, I think she's probably a bit shocked right now and she needs some moment of silence.
@kquiming (2999)
• Philippines
21 Sep 10
I am very very very sorry to hear that.... if I were the mother I would never EVER mislead any man to believe my child is his when in fact it isn't...that's just so cruel. I'm sorry but I do believe in karma, and let's just wait and see what's gonna be hers. I'm proud of you that you've been a good father to the child and you're still making the effort to keep in touch. The child never did anything wrong, blameless, so the child should not be involved in this problem as much as possible. GOSH I hate your ex..!
• Ireland
21 Sep 10
haha, thank you Kquiming, I appreciate your hatred. Your completely right it was nothing to do with the child but sadly shes bang in the middle of the situation. Afterwards, at first it was very hard for me to even talk to the child, I'll call her Joanne for arguments sake but I really felt I had to make the effort as I still did love her obviously and as you stated it wasn't her fault, she still doesn't know I'm not her Father and I don't intend to tell her for some time to come but it will eventually have to come out as I don't want her to go through life thinking that I just abandoned both her and her mother for my own selfish reasons. Telling her the truth is not a day I'm looking forward to. Thanks for your input Kquiming
@kquiming (2999)
• Philippines
22 Sep 10
yeah i know it's gonna be hard for the three of you when the child finally hears the truth .... but sooner or later you'll have to tell her. i think she'll be hurt even more if she finds out on her own that you've been keeping a secret from her ....
• Philippines
22 Sep 10
Hi Ronan! i admire you for being a responsible father when you knew that you had a child with your ex-girlfriend. Unfortunately you found out that the child was not yours. Well, what really was the reason why you live with them? Do you still love your ex or it was for the sake of the child whom you took as your child at that time. I am sure the three of you also enjoyed each other and were a happy family at that time. The only wrong i see in that situation was you were deceived by you girlfriend. How about the poor child? She would feel neglected by her father. I think you have to continue keeping in touch with her. I also suggest that you analyze your feelings towards your ex. Who knows you can forgive her and be together again.
• Ireland
22 Sep 10
Hey Triple. I do keep in touch, I see her almost every day and some times she'll stay over on the weekends. I make sure she doesn't feel neglected. Your right as well I do still care for her Mother but I don't think you can have a successful relationship without trust and there would certainly be no trust between us. Thanks for getting involved in the discussion Triple, I really appreciate the advice, thanks
• China
22 Sep 10
I am sorry to hear that.But i have not experienced such unlucky things.So it is irresponsible for me to say that i can know about your feeling on this .No matter how the women lay to you ,you did regarded the girl as your daughter.She thought so too .Maybe it is the only thing you could gain from it .
• Ireland
22 Sep 10
Thanks for your comment Captain, I really appreciate it. Best of luck
@bingskee (5237)
• Philippines
22 Sep 10
well, as you had discovered yours is not an isolated case. you have done a good deed - that is to be a father to a fatherless baby for quite some time. but i think it is enough. now that you had discovered you were not the father, you do not have any obligation to the child anymore. and you dont have to be guilty about it. it is such a sad experience. to be fooled is way more than being taken advantage of. it is betrayal. i hope time will heal the wound it had on you. there is a consolation after all - you were a good father and you were able to be good to the mother despite what happened. good luck!
• Ireland
22 Sep 10
Thanks Bingskee, that was very nice of you to say. Unfortunately things aren't always as straight forward as they should be in that I know I'm not obligated to take care of Joanna but its not possible to turn off your feelings. For a number of years I believed she was my daughter and its pretty difficult to wrap your head around the fact that shes not truely yours and never was, plus its not her fault. Its not an easy thing to do to stop loving a child you believed was your own, nor would I want to, I really do love her. I actually thought of maybe taking her Mother to court to try and gain custody but because shes not mine at all no court would award her into my care. Thanks again for your comment Bingskee
• Canada
22 Sep 10
That is a very difficult situation to go through. Im really sorry that it happened to you and it is really sad that things like this happen so often now days people aren't honest with each other and I think that people need to take a step back and re-evaluate where their morals stand. Some decisions people make I don't know how they can live with.
• Ireland
22 Sep 10
Thanks for your comments mrsmakawak, I really appreciate it and your absolutely right in everything you've said. People seriously do need to be honest with one and other, specially when theres a child involved. Thanks again for joining the discussion.
@msabc1 (88)
• Hong Kong
22 Sep 10
Very sorry to hear your story. This hasn't happened to me or anyone I know, but it sounds just like a story from a novel or a drama, and if this is real, I'm still shocked. It's really a very complicated situation of your relationship with the child. You can't just left her but you also can't live with her like a father... what a dilemma !
• Ireland
22 Sep 10
Oh its true I assure you, believe it or not I do wish it was make believe or a dream as it would make life a lot easier for several people but unfortunately its not. Thanks for your comment Msabc1
@Lochoa (222)
• United States
21 Sep 10
Yeah so there is someone I know that this may have happened to but since the years have gone by and the child knows no one else but their father theres no point on a DNA test now.... My husband's brother got with this girl started living with her snd after maybe 1-2 years got her pregnant. There was rumors that went he went out of the country for a couple of weeks that she slept with someone else. He never questioned her to the point where he wanted a DNA test b/c it never happened but when the baby was born it looked just like the mom so you couldn't really tell if the baby looked like the dad at all b/c he looked exactly like his mom. Everyone told him when the babay was a baby that he wasn't the dad but I guess since he thought their relationship was working or going to work he stuck by her and kept the child as his own....8 years later the kid still does not look like him at all and is more obvious that he has no features of anyone in the family! But then again he looks like his moms side of the family so who knows for sure but I've always felt it wasn't his kid. Him and the Mom are now broken up and the kids lives whith his Dad b/c the mom gave him up b/c she couldn't handle a new relationship and new baby I guess. Which is dumb b/c during her recent pregnantcy I heard that she slept with her ex (my husbands brother) and sfter a couple of weeks she found out she was pregnant and they decided to keep it their secret and if he ws the dad I guess she would just say it waas the new guys dad (her husband now)these people are so dumb I can't stand it! I guess now that the baby is born it looks just like her now husband so he is the dad and not my brother in law but still! People need to quit having $ex with all these people and it would avoid a lot of stress and heart ache for themselves and their children! At least you found out the truth and can move on with your life. It's very nice to hear that you're still k.i.t with the little girl b/c it's not her fault she's so innocent in this situation. My heart always goes out to the children :(
• Ireland
22 Sep 10
Wow, thanks for the comment Lochoa, thats a really messed up situation and your right it is the kids that suffer through no fault of their own. Thanks again for your comment, All the best
@RossBoyy (161)
• United States
21 Sep 10
That must be heart-breaking :/ Why would she do such a thing to you? It must of been hard and Im glad I can say I have never been in that situation :/ Sorry again.
• Ireland
21 Sep 10
Thanks Ross I appreciate that and I'm glad you haven't had it done on you as well. Why she did it I don't know, maybe she feared raising the child alone and seen me as a bit of a sucker. Whatever her reasons were shes after messing up so many lifes because of it, not just mine and Joannes but my parents, her parents, my brother that was delighted to be an uncle as he cant have kids himself. It just seemed to have a whole ripple effect. It wasn't a nice time at all and still isn't in some respects. Thanks again Ross
• Canada
21 Sep 10
Sorry that you had to go through that. You must be a really great guy too to get back together with her and try to work things out, only to find that she tricked you. I can't say that I heard of anyone else this has happened to, except maybe in one of those daytime soaps on television. She must be some number! That is a terrible thing for her to do, not just to you but to her own child as well. I feel sorry for her child it sounds as if the poor child will have a lifetime of grief with a mother like that. I do hope that your ex feels regret for her actions and learns from it and grows up some for her daughter's sake.
• Ireland
21 Sep 10
I agree with everything you've said, unfortunately however I'd say she feels more sorry for herself than regret for what shes done. Having said that though she is a decent Mother and I can partly understand why she would do something like this, I don't agree with it however and the emotional effect it will have on Joanne for the rest of her life is just horrible it really is. Thanks for your answer Word