imagine yourself in this picture...

@annavi23 (6302)
Philippines
October 20, 2010 8:40pm CST
you belong to a family which composed of: a father who is hard to be pleased.all you do is wrong to him. he's too perfectionist,but he didn't realize he is not perfect at all.and no one is perfect. it seems like it's hard for him to forgive people's faults. a mother who always wants peace in her family's life,and all members in the family to be at peace and understand each other. a sister who gave birth without a husband. and all she wanted is to be forgiven by her father. but no matter what she does,she is always wrong to his father's eyes. here's the scenario: father doesn't like to talk to your sister cause he feels like she was dead since she gave birth,(since three years ago).and no matter how hard for your sister to talk and reconcile with your father,he don't like to listen. it came to a point that they both can't handle the situation and had fight. father even said bad words to daughter and daughter answered back. what is wrong in the picture? what can you do as a family member,during the fight? or if given a chance,what would you say to your sister or father? hope to hear from you,guys...
2 people like this
15 responses
• United States
21 Oct 10
Unfortunately the same thing is happening to one of my friends. She was forced to abort her unborn baby because her father threatened to kick her out to the streets. All I can say, as a Christian, is pray. I'll pray that the situation gets better, because nobody deserves that cold tension...
1 person likes this
@kodukodu84 (1576)
• Malaysia
21 Oct 10
Well in my opinion, there's no use to change someone's view if the person if already a perfectionist himself. Just avoid him and let him do what he likes. Leave the stress behind and live the life like it's normal. We all have our own behaviour, attitude, and personality. No one else can change us except of ourselves. So it will be the same for the father, he's the only one who can change himself when he decide to change himself. So don't expect too much from him, let him be, and leave him alone and be as what he wants to be. But don't forget, no matter how other people acts around us, we can still freely choose either to live happily or live miserably. I hope you get what I mean Always remember, happiness is a choice. Misery is a choice too
1 person likes this
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
29 Oct 10
wow,very well said,kodu! it seems like you are a strong person with what you have stated here. well,you are right! we all have a choice,that is to live happily or miserably... but sometimes we can't hold on things ourselves. it's still not good for us to live with hatred with our family. we should try to settle things out and this way,we can feel deep inside us that we can live peacefully. how can we be happy if we can see our family members are hurting one another? tell me!
@smiley83 (1536)
• Malaysia
30 Oct 10
Babe...I'm here after few months of being away :) Well, I just received your message and directly reconnected into Mylot to check what is going on as u really made me so worried... My gosh, how could all that happen to that sweet lil baby girl!! she is so adorable!! your dad should have forgiven your sister or if he didn't want to forget; he should then treat his grandchild with love and treat her so well..treating the grandchild well would definitely show that he does care although he doesn't want to talk to the sister... but, in such a situation where he doesn't really listen to others.. what if the sister rent a house and stay with the baby girl? is it safe to stay alone? if not then; try to avoid stepping on the same area where the father is.. Awh gosh, It is really so hard to deal in such a situation :( but I think if I was in her position; I would immediately leave the house and rent a small flat that could be near the working place, and put the girl in the kindergarten, and let the mother & the siblings visit me during the weekends or we go out together but to never step my foot at the house... I know it sounds really hard situation but I think I have to do it if i find no other options...
1 person likes this
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
24 Oct 10
hi dear.. sorry to know all about this.. I didn't know things are this complicated with your family, or rather, between your sister and your father.. Everyone makes a mistake 'at least' once in their life. That is because we humans aren't perfect at all. We make mistakes and we naturally learn from it. Having done wrong things doesn't mean we could be judged and tagged our whole lifetime with the same mistake, and be reminded over and over again.. After reading your story, it made me feel lucky and thankful for having my father. Because once in my life I have done the same mistake as your sister did, the only difference is I did not give birth without a husband. But still, it was my mistake. But during that time, I never felt that my father got angry at me, and he NEVER EVER did mention that mistake of mine not even once until now.. He was just happy to finally have a grandchild, and that's all. He supports me and I can feel it from him.. It made me realize how lucky I am for having my Papa who understood me after everything I have done to him and to my mom.. Makes me appreciate him more and love him more.. Your situation is difficult. But if I were the sister, I guess if I can, I would live independently and keep away from my father even for a while. Sometimes it is best that they stay away from each other to avoid arguments and fights. There are wounds that heal only through space and time. If the father isn't ready to forgive yet, then your sister should give him the time. I know how your sister feels. It hurts her I know so do the favor and talk to her about this thing. She might need you. Give her some advice. I'm sure time will come that your father will be able to forgive and forget. Besides, if God can forgive, then why can't he??? But the question about what to do during the fight? Well if I was in the situation, I would definitely just be the coach. I won't take sides because it will not do any good for the situation. Just try to calm them down, and stop my sister from talking back to the father because elderly health depends here. Being in too much anger may lead to heart attack and I won't like that. So better not throw some wood on the fire, instead find ways to make the fire stop.. I hope for the betterment of your family dear. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm just here..
1 person likes this
• Singapore
21 Oct 10
Hi annavi, This is quite a tough situation to be in. I think the main problem lies with the father since he can't forgive his "errant" daughter. He could be feeling angry because he felt he has "lost face". Since the daughter tried to reconcile with him and failed, even quarelling in the process, can the mother be the mediator instead? She can persuade the husband to be forgiving or organize something for the family to engage in activities. Her role in the family is important. Or maybe the other daughter/son who is close to the father? A meditator is definitely needed to smooth things out between the father and the daughter.
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
21 Oct 10
yes,it's really a tough one. specially when both of them don't want to talk about the matter anymore.how can they resolve the situation? may i ask what do you mean by "lost face"? i'm a little confused there. it's nice you have brought the word mediator. yes,the mother helped out with talking to both persons involved. same as the other siblings as well. but it really depends on how they both wanted to reconcile themselves. we can't force them to do things cause they both have freedom. all we can do is to talk to both persons one by one. then think of ways how they can fix this. but how can you keep them at peace when both of them don't want to listen to each other anymore? how can it be resolved?
• Singapore
22 Oct 10
sorry, "lost face" is a very chinese term, what I meant was, the father felt disgraced by the actions of the daughter. Since they won't listen to each other, that's why they need an in-between person, the mediator to work on them, put in good words, try to analyze the situation rationally. Ultimately, I think the father has to come to terms and accept the situation. He should know that his daughter needs his love and support, especially in her situation being a single mother.
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
22 Oct 10
what if the father doesn't like to listen to anyone in the house? if he doesn't want to change what he used to believe in? he feels like he is the one that is on the right track here. he didn't even consider how other family members feel towards his actions...
@jennyze (7048)
• Indonesia
21 Oct 10
I had a friend like that. Until she found a job and live by herself and her son, her father would not talk to her. So, I guess, this sister can find a mean to finance herself and her child. That way she can show her father that she made mistake but she is responsible.
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
22 Oct 10
you think that the problem is in the father,right? well,i do hope that time for them to be at peace with each other. i don't like having such environments like these. and it's much happy to live with no hatred in your heart. i just hope that the father realizes all these things. i wish there is someone to talk to him and made him think that these things have to be dealt with.not just to think of his "being a father"
@jennyze (7048)
• Indonesia
22 Oct 10
Sometimes father takes his responsibility to his heart He might be hard to your the sister, but he may blame himself for his failure in raising children. We may not know it, but who knows he cries alone in his heart. Don;t be so hard on him. The sister must understand this as well, so she can live in peace. Don't try to hard to please him, just understand his difficulties in dealing with the problem.
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
22 Oct 10
i don't know what the for the daughter. why does he keeps telling her to leave and never come back. does he really mean those words? or just afraid to tell what's deep in his heart? why can't he find forgiveness to his daughter,when he didn't even wanted to give her a chance?
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
21 Oct 10
Hi Annavi, I'm sorry this is happening to your family. Your dad sounds very set in his ways and so I would not know what you could say that would get him to come around. Is your sister old enough to be on her own? If so then I would advice her to stay clear of your father. This tension and anger is not good for her and it really is not good for the child. As a parent, I do understand that we want what is best for our children and of course we get upset when they do things and make poor decisions. What I can't relate to is the part where your father is holding on to his anger. I have 4 girls and they have all had their share of making poor decisions as we all have. I do get upset because I care so much for them but then we all pull together and work it through. I always have their back and they know it. I'm sorry I could not offer up some better advice but like I said, I really can't relate to your father's anger.
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
21 Oct 10
you mean,sister should stay out of the house she used to live in? do you think it would do good? rather than talk things through,they should avoid each other? is that? and so you agree that fathers should be like this? how can you talk to him if he's like that always?
1 person likes this
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
21 Oct 10
you are right! sister just avoided father instead of hurting both themselves by their presence.i think it's better to weigh things down first before they go and talk when they had the chance. but i don't like having hatred feelings for my family. yes,father sounds impossible to believe.but he really is that kind and it's hard to ask for forgiveness to someone we can't please.
@kun2349 (23475)
• Singapore
23 Oct 10
Are u talking about your own family? Well, there's nothing much any of u can do, except for the father in the family. It's his attitude which matters the most. IF he does not change his mindset regarding the whole family, matters can only get worse. The only solution i can think of is move out of the family. ONly this way everybody gets the peace they wanted. ANd who knows by then, father will cherish them more, even though he might not say it
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
29 Oct 10
yes,too bad it is! yeah,i believe that change will have to come deep inside of him.you are right,if he don't change his mindset things will become worse. well,i do hope he'll be open to changes.if he really loved his family,then i hope he'll try to find things and realize to himself that he also had made mistakes. that's what others also stated,to move out of the family. i think if we all move out,we can't have assurance that things will be okay with this. i don't like to make things more complicated.if we can talk things through without raising our voices or hurting each other, i still believe that we'll make this happen. just hope for the best and pray for us...
• Philippines
22 Oct 10
Aw! This is hard... Can't imagine how painful it is for the daughter. But the father should forgive her...
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
29 Oct 10
yeah,it is REALLY hard! to see how family members can be like that to each other is a painful thing to happen in a family. it's like we want them both to reconcile and at peace with each other.but things really happen.no matter how we like it or not, we just have to learn to make things right. only the two peple involved will really see their own worths for each other. please pray for them...
@shibham (17025)
• India
21 Oct 10
hi annavi... please let me know, is it a real story? anyway, the family has four members right? if i am that guy, then i shall try to search a groom for her first. it will take time. next, i shall try to convince my father that men do mistakes, not god. if he is still rigid. i shall give him a punishment. i shall manage a rent house on that city and will stay with her. later i am damn sure that he will realize and welcome his daughter. have a nice day.
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
29 Oct 10
hello shibham! yes,it's a true story. haha,so you have to search for her a groom? well,it's hard to find one when i myself don't have a love life. wow,so you are saying you might also leave your father and rent a house together with your sister and the child? do you think he'll realize things himself? or he could live all his life full of hatred in us all? it's really a hard situation,right? too bad this happened to us... i know this are just trials.but we don't have money to rent a house to live away from our father.
@visavis (5945)
• Philippines
21 Oct 10
As a father sometimes I heard some dislike from my children but I see to it that I should change it to avoid such mistake. Might be it the situation you mentioned the father is very protective before the bad situation arises, might be dis-appointed. As for me as member of the family, I will try to talk to my father in decent way and try to explain the situation...
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
22 Oct 10
looks like you are open to changes,huh? well,it's nice that you can open up things with your family members as a father. and it's good to know that you accept your own faults. but not like the father i mentioned. he is more of not-good-listener and don't want to accept his own faults,that's why it's really hard to be at peace with him.
@toniganzon (48524)
• Philippines
21 Oct 10
The father should try to look at his own self first if he did something along the way while raising his children. He might have done something wrong that led to the sister getting pregnant. If he can't do this and still refuse adamantly to see his own faults, then I think this problem won't be solved. As to the sister, she should admit her own mistakes and apologized for this. If after apologizing, the father still refuse to open his mind about this, then the sister should just stay away for the moment and let time heal all wounds. This is the consequence that she has to face for making the said mistake. As a sister and a daughter I couldn't say much about this but I'll try to tell my dad my opinion if he listens, but if he doesn't i just have to give my sister the support that she needs as of the moment.
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
29 Oct 10
yeah,i do believe that problems will be solved if one tried to look at his own faults first before blaming faults of others. but in this situation,i think the father is too closed and don't want to open his heart for forgiveness. it will only come inside of him. so i think,someone should talk to him to make him realize faults of his own. i do believe that the sister already admitted her own faults but there are instances she also can't handle the situation that's why she ended up shouting to her father. it's like throwing wood on fire again. so the problem still occurs. if they just keep themselves calm and talk in a nice manner,i think that they would still be in peace with each other. thanks for sharing your views,i really appreciate what you have said here.
• Philippines
21 Oct 10
There is a time for healing in such cases. The father might have high hopes for that particular daughter and the disappointment may be to hard for him to handle. The best thing to do is pray. That should be the first and last recourse. Patience is needed on the part of that unpardonable daughter. It might take a really long time for forgiveness to be given. That is a common scenario seen most often in everyday life. That daughter can win the father's respect with proof that she admits that she has done something wrong. Love him in spite of how bad he is showing him. It seems that it's a male issue that needs to be address that only somebody from outside the family and that the father thinks highly of can resolved.
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
29 Oct 10
hello ara! thanks for sharing your views on this one. it is really hard to be a part of a family when you know there are members who felt hatred in their hearts. it's too sad and hard to handle. how can a father be like that to his daughter? i hope there will be a chance for him to forgive what the daughter did. if God can forgive,why can he not,right? i still do believe there will be chance and God has plans to make things happen. i need your prayers on this one.
@beeh13u (1040)
• Philippines
21 Oct 10
i can relate to what you're dealing with except for your sister's condition. My father is a perfectionist as well. he doesn't like being interrupted, and he doesn't give us time to explain reasons for doing something. He always say that we assume or speculate all of the time, but he doesn't even realize that he does it too. all i can say, if i were you, dont butt in. it's there problem. not yours. believe me, there will come a time that your father will realize he did something wrong.
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
22 Oct 10
what if he don't? he always thinks he is right,when in fact he's not! we all have been growing older,same as he does.and he always have someone to fight about,always angry at times even outside the house.he even had fights with some people at work.it seems like he don't like to accept his own faults. he even can't appreciate things around him. how can he live a healthy life with that? and he even complains if he suffers body pains. how can he help his own self when he is always like that?
• Philippines
21 Oct 10
..i just tell my sister ..if father wil always do that to you just get out of that family..you just even find your life in another place..just leave him .. ,.
@annavi23 (6302)
• Philippines
21 Oct 10
so you are telling me,it is okay to leave your father just like that? for how long?