Nowhere to run....dead end?

@ellie26 (4128)
Malaysia
December 4, 2010 5:15pm CST
A couple of months ago, I have posted a discussion about my abusive husband not willing to accept the fact that our marriage is over. I received many advices from mylot community which have made me stronger emotionally and mentally. After much thought and consideration, I have come to a conclusion that my feelings for my husband is no longer the same and I have finally found the happiness that has once eluded me. But just as I found the courage to pursue my quest for the divorce, I encountered another road block. Here I am confused again to what I should do next - should I listen to my family advices out of respect or should I listen to what I believe would free me from the abusive relationship I have suffered for so long. My family now is not really in favor with my decision to go ahead with the divorce. They advised me to reconsider my decision for the sake of my children and religious belief. They also think that my husband has changed and that he should be given another chance. Obviously, they have forgotten how many times I have asked them to help me to talk to my husband about his abusive behavior towards me. Each time they would say that they could not interfere with married couple's problems but at the same time, they would ask me to just divorce him. They knew and saw how I have suffered mentally, physically and emotionally when I was still living with him. And now they want me to reconsider and give him another chance? I am so depressed just thinking about all these. Am I selfish if I wanted to free myself from my abusive husband? Am I so cruel if I didn't want to give him another chance when I have given him countless chances every time? Should I go back to him for the sake of the children and believe that he has changed completely in just 7 months? Should I make sacrifices for this marriage to work? I figured if I went ahead with the divorce, they will just point fingers at me for causing the marriage breakdown, for not even trying to save the marriage. I need their support but it is difficult to get when I have to explain time and again why I want a divorce. I have to keep on repeating the same old stories. I just don't understand why suddenly my husband became the victim and I am the one with a problem.
1 person likes this
13 responses
@ebuscat (5949)
• Philippines
5 Dec 10
For me take a divorce on him it is better.
2 people like this
@junie05 (23)
• Philippines
5 Dec 10
I know someone who have experienced the same way. She have experienced the same trauma for more than 10 years..physically,verbally, emotionally. Finally the girl realized it was time to end the relationship. They were separated for five years.But one day, I was so surprised to see them living together again. When I've asked the girl, what happened she smiled and said, " You may not believe it, but prayer really works.When I saw my children affected by the separation, I've asked God to take control and do what's best for us. I told him that if we should live again as a couple again, let Him touch and change my husband.He really has changed and the five years that we have not been together made him realized his mistake." You may both need some space to realize what would be best for your relationship.And most important, did you ever prayed for him?
1 person likes this
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
5 Dec 10
Hi junie05. I do pray but not piously. I prayed for him and so does some of my family members. About needing some space, well all I could say is I have given myself and him ample time to be alone and not physically together, 7 months to be exact. And within those 7 months, I started to evaluate myself both emotionally and mentally, what I want in my life and if I could start a new future without him. I realized I don't have the love feelings for him like I used to have, I feel much happy without him and I can focus more on what I want to do. If it takes 5 years for your friend to finally realized they still want to be together, probably it will take me a lot longer than that. But I guess, time will tell.
• United States
5 Dec 10
Junie, that is a wonderful story. All too often, they do not change. However, it is a tough thing because the kids need the father. Ellie, I am sorry to hear about your situation. It is a difficult decision and I pray you do the right thing. Some abusers can get very violent and their women/men put their lives in their hands when they stay. I hope you make the best decision for yourself and your children.
• Philippines
6 Dec 10
Thanks Ellie. Thanks Rose.For you Ellie,if you have finally realized that you don't love him anymore, I guess its time to let go and move on. Time will really tell if you're destined to be for each other. Regards and hope that God may help you to decide what's best for your family.
• United States
5 Dec 10
I remember your discussion which I replied to and basically I did want to add that the family who is against you wanting to be free from your abusive husband, are the ones who acting in selfish ways. As they do truly do not understand that it is you who has dealt with this and perhaps run the risk of dealing with this and worse. So although it is very difficult you must follow your heart, and if that means letting go the family has to deal with their selfish thoughts. Good luck to you sweetie I wish you many many blessings.
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
5 Dec 10
Hi hardworkinggurl, thanks for your response. And thank you very much for your wishes.
• Philippines
4 Dec 10
No you're not cruel. You're just doing the thing that you think is right.
1 person likes this
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
5 Dec 10
Thanks for your sweet words.
@Elixiress (3893)
5 Dec 10
I think that you are right to divorce him and that your family are wrong to suddenly change their stance on the situation. Yes, you could give him "one more chance" but I bet this isn't the first time you have told him that he only has one more chance ... he probably abused you again and again, giving him one more chance is one more chance to hit you and for you to take it and stand by his side. Growing up my parents never really liked each other and always argued, while there was no "abuse" going on, I did wish that they would break up. I am sure your children would feel the same, they would rather see you both happy rather than walk in on your husband beating you. As for religious beliefs that is something personal and your parents should not push their beliefs onto you, you are an adult therefore you have the resources at hand to believe in whatever you want.
1 person likes this
@sanjay91422 (2728)
• India
5 Dec 10
I think if you have decided to not live together then you should take the divorce. Don't try to find out that who is the victim and who is the cruel. I think in relationship there is only one thing to watch either it is working or it is not working, you said your relationship is not working, so you should take the divorce. If you see a good future and present with the divorce then go for it. Everyone is selfish in this world including me and you. What ever we do it is for us only. So don't get confused by the comments by the other people on you. Everybody care only for himself or herself so What I really want to say is that no one else care for you in this world and vice versa. So don't think much and if you think that it is good for you then go for it. I am writing here to get money and good reputation on mylot. So I have my own work I am not writing it just to help you, but to help myself. Don't feel anything for the people's comments just do it if you really want to do it. Thank you and have a nice day.
@mods196621 (3631)
• Philippines
5 Dec 10
If you are in that situation and you feel need to go for divorce in my opinion it is better to pursue you plan. That is also for the sake of your children as they cannot see fighting their parents in front of them. No one would like to see their family was broken but in case to case basis. If one has suffering and abused by partner what is the reason to stay with him? Abused physically mentally and so on is not a good sign that marriage could stay longer and happy together. Try to find a solution to resolve the case and do an action suited to that problem. Search a good reason why you need to that and think hard why you need to do this things. Go for the best of your children and your self. I will do the same as you when i am in your situation. It will be fine time will come.
1 person likes this
• India
5 Dec 10
I feel you should not back out from the decision taken once. Decision means decision. It should be firm. Take the step towards it. May be you can be more happier than now. So once you take the decision dont back out on the decision.
1 person likes this
@jojo732 (295)
5 Dec 10
Hi ellie26 If your children have seen your husband being abusive to you,they will already have been affected,even if they haven't seen or heard the way your husband has behaved towards you,they can see that mummy is not happy. It takes a lot of emotional strength to say enough is enough I'm leaving,and only you can decide to make that decision. In many countries this decision is made even harder because there are very few if any refuges where women can take their children, and women willalways have totake the children into account before leaving an abusive relationship,some abusive men know this and know that in turn this will force the partner to stay in the abusive relationship, because they have nowhere to run to. If you have somewhere safe for you and your children to go,and you have a job or money to keep you all going,then you are in a position to make that move if you want to,but it is your decision at the end of the day. Good luck to you and your children in whatever you decide to do. jojo732
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Dec 10
Stay strong and surround your self by positive people. It sucks to live in the hell of an abusive relationship. You should get your divorce and move on so you can have a happy life. There are alot of groups either local or online and even hotlines you might want to look into. They will help you get ahold of the proper tools to set you free as well as suport you to help you stay strong.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
5 Dec 10
You are the best person to know your own situation. You made your decision based on your situation. Your parents would not exactly know what you went through and what it is like to be a recipient of violence and abuse. It is different to be hearing violence and abuse from someone and actually experiencing it. It could be difficult coming to terms with your own decision so you have to believe that it is the right thing. And once made, don't turn back. It is your life you will be living, not your parents. I suppose, later on when they see you are happy with your new life, they would come to terms with your decision themselves. Cheers.
@blue65packer (11835)
• United States
11 Dec 10
You have to be kidding! You are in abusive relationship and your famiy wants you stay because that is their opinion? You can think for yourself! You are not being selfish to think about yourself in this relationship! You need to put yourself first and realize what you want and what makes you happy! Your family should not be making this decision for you! All they care in about themselves! Not you at all!Get out as soon as you can! You have put up with to much allready! Don't listen to people that bring you down! You seem samrt enough to do that on your own so do it woman! get on with you life and dump that abusive peice of sh*t! YOU ARE TO GOOD FOR HIM!!!!
• Canada
7 Dec 10
You are not selfish at all, to want to free yourself. You deserve safety, and security in your life. If you can get away from him and take the children with you, even better. The children do not deserve an abusive father. Even if he is not abusive to them directly, he abuses them through his abuse of you. You need to GET OUT OF THERE NOW!!!