My boyfriend is embarrassed of my looks!! :(

India
July 17, 2011 8:39am CST
I and my boyfriend are both 22 years old. We are in a relationship since the past 3 years(almost). We got together in second year of college. After things didn't work out between him and my best friend, I was there to help him out. In the process we liked each other and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I resisted a little, as i knew i wasn't good looking, and fat too. But he convinced me that his feelings are real regardless of my looks, and also told me that this wasn't just a rebound thingie for him. Thus, I agreed. But, since the very start of the relationship, he never used to talk to me in front of his college friends, and neither was comfortable in holding hands, etc. outside of college as well. Whenever i asked him if it was because of my looks, he always said that even though I should reduce weight, this was not really the reason. He said he just felt uncomfortable and that guys generally are not open about their relationships with their friends and crap like that. He was always successful in convincing me some way or the other. I need to mention that there came a time in college, when I had lost all my friends and was all alone, all the time. I used to have my lunch sitting alone in the lab, while he used to sit with his friends, and still not near me. I told him very many times that I was hurt and so lonely but he always maintained that he can't do it. Finally, yesterday I coaxed him to a point where he told me that the real reason is that even though he finds me beautiful and loves me, other people find me ugly, fat and argumentative. And this is the reason why he has never made our relationship public. He is right about me being ugly, fat and argumentative. In addition, I am also dominating and very harsh on him at times when we've fought. But still, I cannot come to terms with the fact that since 3 years of being with me, he is still not comfortable with the way I look, and is more bothered about what people might say if they know he is with me. I am hurt, And even though we are very much in love, my principles are not allowing me to continue this relationship. I know that owing to my bad looks and even worse nature, I might never again get a lover like him. Yet, I don't want to continue being his girlfriend, especially since he has made it pretty clear that in future as well, he has no intentions of making this relationship public, and he said he wouldn't be comfortable being seen with me , even though he says he loves me. Please guide me. And thanks for reading it this far. :)
2 people like this
17 responses
18 Jul 11
As a man, I would say, talk to him (although I think you have many times already) and say that you want to be seen with him in public, as his girlfriend or you'll dump him - he is obviously not keen to be seen with you in public/ in front of his friends if he refuses, and you should look for someone who is happy with you as a person. If over time YOU decide to turn goth, get tattoos, dye you hair green, whatever (just thinking of examples) - then that's fine cos you chose to, but don't change because someone asked you to (unless it is good for your health and a doctor agrees etc) You will get another person who loves you, but it may not be instant - but don't stay in an unhappy relationship, scared of not being able to do better - you can.
• India
19 Jul 11
My boyfriend has constantly been saying that as a guy he views this thing differently, and that I shouldn't get hurt with this. But after reading your response Nathan, I think he was wrong about this as well. Thanks.
21 Jul 11
No problem, I always tried to be as honest as I can with my partners over the years and talk to them about feelings and thoughts. If you can't be seen in public with your girlfriend, is she really your girlfriend is what I'd ask the guy. I know you may feel down right now (and even from my response if you believe it to be true) - but there's always hope, and a hell of a big sea of other fishes :) There will always be at least 1 (if not more) person who absolutely LOVES you for who YOU are right now (and the future) - they just might not know it yet :) (Ps. when/if you dump him, he may actually beg you to take him back - this will probably be for some more fun, before he dumps you back: a power thing unfortunately - so don't take him back!)
@_sketch_ (5714)
• United States
17 Jul 11
Dump him. You say you may never get another lover like him? Good. You don't need anyone who doesn't think he is the luckiest man in the world for being with you. Don't waste your time. You said you don't want to continue being his girlfriend, so don't. You say, "We are very much in love.." If he did love you, he wouldn't feel embarrassed towards you. Don't let him fool you and don't fool yourself.
2 people like this
• India
19 Jul 11
Thanks sketch. I am thinking of dumping him, but I am going slow. I don't want to be rash, although I fully get your point.
@_sketch_ (5714)
• United States
19 Jul 11
For sure. Take your time. No need to rush into any decision. If and when you are ready to leave him, you just will. If you don't want to, then you won't. You're life; you're decision. Just remember that you have options and be brave enough to do what you want to do.
• Philippines
17 Jul 11
Honestly I don't know where to begin. I have no intention in offending you or anything, but it sounds like he doesn't love you. It really sounds harsh, but girl, you deserve way better. How did you survive a 3-year "secret" relationship"? That is really hard, especially on your part because you've got nothing to hide. Seriously, you have to stop telling yourself too that you're ugly and fat. Because if you can't love yourself, how can he or any other person? You must be able to accept who you are first, before getting accepted by others. No one is born ugly. We just have different features, different body types. But it doesn't mean we are ugly when we don't have a face of an angel or a body of a model. We are who we are! We are born this way! (Okay, who just sang the songs of Ke$ha and Lady Gaga while reading my previous sentences? Haha!) But going back to the point, if he REALLY loves you like he says he does, then he shouldn't be ashamed or anything. He shouldn't be hiding your relationship at all. He should actually be shouting his love for you to the world! But seeing that during those 3 years he did nothing to try to accept you for you are, then sorry but he's not worth it. I wouldn't want to marry someone who can't look me in the eye and tell me that I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. Would you? Because if he's not content with you, then he's probably going to look for a better version of you at some point in your married life. Just know that you're beautiful in someone else's eyes, no matter what. Maybe that guy is not your current boy friend, though.
• India
19 Jul 11
Thanks for the positive words pinkpiglet. You do make a lot of sense. Even after talking to him he doesn't seem to see his folly. That is funny in a way, I think. And I do love myself pinkpiglet. But I do know I'm not err... I just don't take care of myself. I rarely go to beauty parlors, and I am overweight too. But you're completely right in saying that I shouldn't use words like ugly and fat for myself. As a positive step I have started working out since the past two days. Not for him, but to make myself feel better:)
• India
19 Jul 11
Thanks for understand what I went through trying to keep this a secret for almost 3 years. It hurt everyday.
@diala84 (139)
• United States
18 Jul 11
He doesn't sound like a gem but you are even worse. When you see yourself at fat, ugly, argumentative what do you thing other people see... The same thing. You are portraying yourself as that person. It isn't right that he is keeping you in the dark and hiding you but at the same time it sounds like you think so poorly of yourself that the negativity is all you see. Fat people can live a good life, ugly people can live good lives, negative people cannot. You seem to like to make assumptions about what others are thinking and feeling in regards to you. The truth is that each person in the world is so small and insignificant that others are rarely focused on our flaws. Each person is their own worst critic focusing on their own flaws and often too preoccupied to see the flaws in others. People care much more about how you interact rather than your little flaws. First you need confidence then you need a positive outlook/self image. People like friends who are positive and happy most of the time, not friends who are constant downers. I know it is difficult to be positive when you have spent so much time being negative but trust me it will help you in the long run. Do activities you like, think about all the positive things in your life, go shopping for clothes or accessories that make you feel special, change you hairstyle, spend more time with people that make you feel happy and energetic, volunteer to help people, counseling, say positive things out loud to yourself each day, keep yourself busy so you don't have time to dwell on the negative things. These are some ways to help boost your self worth and make you feel better about yourself and your social situation. Once you have that down it will be easier for others to open up and want to spend time with you. As for your boyfriend I think you have bigger problems to deal with in finding your own worth. I won't tell you to dump him but I would definitely make improving yourself a priority and he isn't helping your situation.
2 people like this
• India
19 Jul 11
You seem so much like my mother diala :).. in a harsh, but good way. You were right in saying I'm a negative person, and very pessimistic. I completely get your point. And my own mother has said this exact same thing to me many times, and I try to work on it, but I guess I haven't done enough to change my perspective on life. I am particularly happy with your last paragraph diala. I have to think of myself and make better my own thought process. I agree completely. Thanks so much!
@Jelminrie (358)
• Philippines
18 Jul 11
You don't deserve him, don't be afraid of not meeting another man in the future just think of yourself this time, as everyone said it seems that he don't Love you,If he can not introduce you to his friends how much more with his parents? Girl,He is lucky to have you, but to do things like that to you, its very unfair. three years is hard to forget though, you have to talk to him telling your issue, he might say if that's the problem then i'll make our relationship in public, i suggest do not give in so easily, weigh things carefully, listen to his heart you can feel a genuine and fake love anyways....God bless you, cheer up. Do not forget, All creation of God is beautiful, including you,
2 people like this
• India
19 Jul 11
The saddest part is that even after talkign to him, he still isn't ready to make the relationship public. He's said sorry and stuff, but never that he'll make amends and tell his friends and parents about us. Day before yesterday he forced me to come up with ways in which he can make it up to me. I did tell him he can tell his best friends and put it up on facebook for a start. He didn't say anything. He ignored it and again asked me how he could make it up to me. I am smiling as I am saying this. It is so ridiculous!
• Philippines
18 Jul 11
I am a man and I have this to say. I don't think that guy truly loved you but at the same time he cannot afford to lose you because you have become indispensable to his sense of self worth. You have become his source of security and a sort of "safety cushion" whenever he falls. He knows that the world out there is cruel and harsh (at least according to his perception), and lacking a sense of self worth, he clung to you like a dying fish in search of water (knowing that you alone could give him the kind of attention that he needs). Perhaps you are wondering why I feel so sure about my assertions (and I could be wrong), but in this one thing I am quite certain - you can only feel proud about your relationship with someone you love. If not, this ought to be a warning sign to you. But of course, one can never underestimate the power of love, for given the duration of your relationship, maybe he will begin to accept you for what you are. After all, you have become his source of emotional security (until such time that he will come to find another, if ever). But until he will learn to accept you for what you are and be proud of you in public, do not accept everything he says about you as truth, try seeing things from some different perspectives. In this way, you would be able to evaluate your situation better. May you have the best of luck for I can see that you are very much in love with this guy.
2 people like this
• India
19 Jul 11
Excellent insight dbersales. I hadn't thought about it this way. I have to say this is very plausible. Since the past week I'm not talking to him properly, so he's been saying the exact same thing you mentioned, that is, "Its very difficult for me to be away from you.." , and I always couldn't help but wonder "then why are you embarassed of me!". After reading your response, I get it perfectly. Emotional security is quite a good reason to stick with somebody even if you don't love him/her. Can't thank you enough!
• United States
17 Jul 11
So far, all the responses that I've read ... are right on target! Everyone deserves to be HAPPY, and if you are not happy in this relationship, if you are always fighting with this man, and this man isn't man enough to prove his commitment to you by letting people know that the 2 of you are dating ... then that is not a relationship. Life is too short and precious to allow yourself to remain in a situation that is demeaning, and destructive. Don't sell yourself short ... give yourself a chance to find someone else ... let him go! You mentioned that you lost all of your friends, is that because you are argumentative? Now, that could be a problem when trying to establish a new relationship, do a little soul searching ... maybe there are a few things you may need to work on before you enter into any NEW relationships. But 'go for it' ... 'move on'! Find someone that you can be happy with.
2 people like this
• India
19 Jul 11
You got it right SunlightSwoon. I'm amazed! Yes, I lost my friends because of my argumentative nature. And I completely agree when you say I've got some soul searching to do. Most of the irritation, and dissatisfaction that provoke me to argue with people is closely related to my inner-self. I need to work on that first, and I know I'd be able to curb the negative behavior that I have. Thank You :)
• United States
17 Jul 11
If he doesn't want to be seen with you in public, then I highly doubt that he truly loves you. When you truly love someone you should be able to go up to complete strangers and tell them that you love your bf/gf. As for friends, they should definitely know about a relationship no matter who the person is. Also, your boyfriend shouldn't even be saying that "other people" see you as fat, ugly, etc. He shouldn't even care about that, the only thing that should matter to him is that he sees you as beautiful and he loves you. You should sit down with him and have a serious talk. Tell him how you feel and if it continues to happen then you might consider getting out of the relationship. He needs to know that what he's doing isn't exactly right and it's very hurtful to you. Don't come at him in an accusing way though, because then he'll just get angry and think you're blaming everything on him. Try to be calm about it and tell him how you feel (without crying and getting all emotional- guys don't really like to deal with that in a serious talk). Good luck! Keep me posted how your situation goes
2 people like this
• India
19 Jul 11
Thanks for replying courtknee :) I talked to him, and he still seems to be doubtful that he did a mistake. Have to admit the relationship is very much on the rocks now. And thanks for reminding me to not cry while talking to him. It helped.
@shaggin (10422)
• United States
18 Jul 11
I have to say you are not right for each other. If you are going to be argumentative and harsh on him then you shouldnt be with him. If he cant accept how you look and be with you in public then he shouldnt be with you either. I think he sounds like a horrible person to make you have a secret relationship for 3 years. I think he was just using you and doesnt truly love you at all.
1 person likes this
• India
19 Jul 11
true shaggin. In our previous fights I've told him many times we are just not right for each other. But he is damn good at convincing me that we need to keep trying. I get no pleasure in hurting me. And I know the same is true for him. Its just that somewhere, we aren't meant to be.
@ebuscat (5951)
• Philippines
18 Jul 11
For me really if you hurt then find a boyfriend who loves you of what you are now because if you get married then you are not happy to understand your husband then it is not good.
• India
19 Jul 11
I haven't seriously thought about marrying him yet ebuscat, but you do make a good point. thanks :)
• United States
18 Jul 11
I Have also just reached my 3 yrs... with my boyfriend. Our friends are very different.. I am a city girl and he is a country boy, so we like to do different things such as I do not enjoy riding big trucks in the mud. But I do it because I love him. And sometimes I can get him to go to the mall with me. You also have to take in to consideration maybe having a family one day, ur children should know that thier mom is beautifull on the inside and outside, and they need to see a healthy relationship between two parents. I wish you luck on ur disicions, And if u are beautifull on the inside u are beautifull on the outside =)
• India
19 Jul 11
thanks chrissyjade :)
• United States
20 Oct 11
If he doesn't want to be seen with you publicly, then he does not love you. You are right about not staying in the relationship. I don't understand how you have managed this long! True love doesn't see things in the physical sense. I have often wondered myself as to why my husband would have ever chosen me.. even after 20 plus years together. I feel as if he is definitely the attractive one. But my husband has always treated me as if I am the most beautiful woman in the world, both publicly and privately. That is what true love is about. I know that we don't know each other, but please, get out of this relationship. Love yourself and your true love will come, and he will love you for who you are!
• United States
27 Sep 11
i would say to say good bye. i dont know you, what you look like or any thing like that but it doesnt matter, if he loved you he wouldnt care what you looked like. he is not good enough for you if he is acting like this. and im sure you will find someone else who will love you and love to take you out with his friends and everything. i know its hard to do but you dont deserve to be treated like this, noone does. say your goodbyes and try to move on with your life. i know its not easy and im not trying to say it will be. its just one of those things ya know? you deserve better. good luck and im sorry that this is happening to you
• Southend-On-Sea, England
26 Sep 11
Sorry, but I think you deserve somebody much better, who loves you for what you are and not what his mates think about you.
• United States
24 Jul 11
Sorry to say this but that guy is a loser! Leave his butt behind and start fresh! You don't need people like him in your life! Start new! Start eating healthier exercise and put all your time into making you a new and improved you! Can't lose the weight? No worries just try and be healthier. pamper yourself with bubblebaths and whatnot!! Don't worry too much if you can't lose any weight at all because plenty of real men will really love you just the way you are! You say your ugly? Well that's your opinion or whosever is rude enough to judge someone on their lOoks alone! Just take some much needed you time, figure some things out and the rest will eventually fall into place! :)
@syankee525 (6298)
• United States
22 Jul 11
well as a man, if he wants to be your boyfriend then he shouldnt be ashame to be seen with you anytime in front of anyone. guys like this are jerks. if i am in love with a female i wont care what anyone say. my wife is on the heavy side and i am always proud to be seen with her and could careless what anyone say i walk holding her hands and i do it with pride. your b.f should do the same, no matter how you feel about yourself. and if he dont and dont want to be seen with you dont take it no more. kick his butt to the curb and get a man who will be proud to be seen wth you and if you lost friends because ofhim dif kick him to the curb..
@lampar (7609)
• United States
21 Jul 11
If your boyfriend is feeling uncomfortable to be seen with you in the public, then may be you want to end his embarassement once and for all by leaving your relationship with him behind and begin a new life without him in the future. Or you can continue to put up with his nonsense, tolerate his abuses and beg for his forgiveness for being ugly and fat. If he say that he love you but is embarassed by you, then he is not telling you the truth in the first place, you may want to consider leaving him for good so that he can find himself a thin girlfriend that will not make him feel embarass in the eye of the world.