What would you do in this situation?

@rosie230 (1674)
September 14, 2011 4:05pm CST
Ok this is a bit long winded so I am going to TRY and break it down as small as I can so it is in simple terms lol... I had a boyfriend, who I had a child with.. My son is now 10 almost 11 years old. His father left me when he (my son) was just 3 days old, to go back to his ex. He was 21 years older than me, not that age matters to me in a relationship, but just putting this down so you can see where I am coming from, I am 31 he is now almost 53. Since he left me, I brought our son up on my own, with the help of my parents when I was working. I lived alone, and had to work full time, to pay all the bills. He stayed in contact with our son, and visited him most of the time, so everything was fine. I met someone new 6 years ago which did not cause a problem between the relationship between my son and his father. I then fell pregnant, and had another baby, with my new partner, my youngest son will be 3 in January. Soon after me having my youngest son, the relationship between my eldest son and his father went downhill, he stopped coming up to visit as much, and my son began to feel let down by his Dad. Of course I argued with his Dad that he should see his son, and not make false promises, he said he would , and I left it at that. He then stopped seeing him for weeks on end then would suddenly see him again. I then found out that his Dad had met someone new, and realised this was the reason he had put his relationship with his son on hold. When I asked him he denied everything. He then (a few months later), got married to this girl, and she announced she was pregnant, well where I live it is a small town, and obviously I heard about it. In the last year, he has seen our son 4 times! When it was his birthday, he gave my friend who I live with, a card with money in it for my son. When I told my son to ring his Dad to thank him, he did not answer the phone. I contacted him Christmas Eve, and asked that he brought a card and or present to our house and give to our son himself (he lived a 10 minute drive, so it was not difficult to see him). He did turn up, and spent an hour with our son, before leaving. I thought things would change in the new year, but nothing. he has seen his son a couple of times and that is it. What makes me mad, is that he knows my number, but yet, not only can he not visit our son, he cannot be bothered to so much as ring me, to speak to him and see how he is. I have since moved, and am now even closer to his Dad it really is a 5 minute drive if that now. So I have friends who say, that I shouldn't bother with him anymore if he can't bother with his son, it shouldnt be me that phones him asking him to make time to see his son... but I do feel guilty because My eldest see's that his little brother has a Dad that cares about him. My partner is so good with mt eldest, but I know that it can't feel the same for my son, because he is not his real dad. So what should I do? Should I contact him and again try and get him to come and see his son, or should I just leave it, and let him get on with it? I feel so bad for my son, he deals with it so well. If it was my dad that treated me like that, then I would be in pieces. Please give me your thoughts on this Thanks :)
1 person likes this
6 responses
@jeztrose (1405)
• Philippines
15 Sep 11
hi rosie..well being a mother. it's very hard for you to see your child in that situation..since his father doesn't bother anymore to be with his son.. i think to help your son is to let him always feel your presence..let him feel your love and care.. even though his father cannot be with him atleast you are there to fill those emptiness in him.. with the help also of your new partner.. i think that would be enough for him..
@rosie230 (1674)
15 Sep 11
I am very lucky to have such wonderful children and a wonderful partner. My son has everything he could possibly need, I just feel bad for him. I have tried so hard to get his father to have a relationship with him, but failed. I know this is not my fault, as I have tried. I am very fortunate in that my son, is coping well with the situation, as much as he may feel hurt... I know that his family life here with us, is the thing that will keep him strong, and make him happy. Thank You for your comment :)
@jeztrose (1405)
• Philippines
16 Sep 11
yes.. it's not your fault after all..your such a great mother i guess,since you tried your best..i hope that your son will totally move on..just keep what you have started,to be a good wife and a good mother.. god bless!
@stary1 (6622)
• United States
14 Sep 11
How stressful this must be for you. I think you have gone over and beyond what you need to do to try to bring your older son and his father together. Your son's father needs to step up and be a man without your having to continuously tell him to be a father. If you feel you need to keep reminding him and you don't mind doing so, then you could continue in a routine, matter of fact way, but don't stress over it. Just remind him with a phine call or voice messaage or e-mail and drop it. Otherwise you can try to just work on your own family and create a bond with your husband and your first son. A true Dad is the one there for him not just who gave him life.
@rosie230 (1674)
14 Sep 11
Thanks for your opinion... it is stressful, but heartbreaking to know that is obviously how he feels. Hopefully things will work themselves out, I think I have just about given up trying now, My son is almost 11, and soon will be old enough to decide for himself what he wants to do :)
@stary1 (6622)
• United States
14 Sep 11
Of course it is heartbreaking but you have to know you tried the best you could. As you say, hopefully things will work out I think you are a very good Mom
@oldchem1 (8144)
15 Sep 11
Your son will grow up knowing that you have done all you can to keep him in contact with his father; he will also know what a bad father he has been but he will not be able (or even want to)lay any of the blame at your feet. He is growing up in a happy and settled family life with a man who is loving and a good father figure. It is obvious you have done all within your power to keep the contact going between father and son; don't feel guilty, none of it is your fault and you are giving the boy a good family life - he doesn't need the presence of a man who obviously doesn't care for him.
@rosie230 (1674)
15 Sep 11
Thanks :) This has been an ongoing battle for the last few years now, and to be honest I am exhausted in trying. I think that now is the time to give up, and just concentrate on giving Jason the best in life. He knows that not only me, but his grandparents, brother, and my partner are always here for him. It's just sad to know that someone who once did care about his son, can brush him under the carpet and forget about him.
@Netsbridge (3242)
• United States
14 Sep 11
If the man does not care to see his son, then it is his lose and I would not bother with him. Sad but true, it is very possible he just wanted his easy piece of you-know-what. Anyway Rosie230, if you are in the US, then you can turn him in to the attorney general of your State for child support. While he may not want to be bothered, the fact remains he helped bring forth a child and should be providing for his child.
@rosie230 (1674)
15 Sep 11
Thanks for your comment... I am in the UK, I can get child maintenance for him from his Dad :)
@WakeUpKitty (8706)
• Netherlands
14 Sep 11
Your friends are right, let it go! This is not your business. You should better invest in your new relationship and make your eldest a part of it. You already say your new partner is great with him. Your son is not stupid and he can see himself what a lousy dad he has. Dumped because his dad has a new relationship. I don't agree with you that your son feels bad because your new partner is not his real dad. Family has nothing to do with being the real dad or mom. Family are the people who care about you, love you, are there for you if you need them. Your eldest already knows your new partner for 3-4 year so since he was 6-7 years old! That is enough time to give him a solid base with your new partner. It's easy to make a kid and be a dad that way but it has nothing to do with being a good parent! It seems to me you are the one who is making a big problem out of this and you even make it bigger because you keep calling your ex (he will never call you bakc if you keep doing that or answer the phone since he started a new life and he gets sick and tired of you), keep mentioning what he is not doing, because you are angry. Your eldest is feeling that all. Because you think you would be in pieces it doesn't mean your son is in pieces so don't break that little boy and give him the change to be a part of your new family. Stop saying your partner is not the real dad because in my eyes he is, you just make him feel he he is different because you keep saying he is not the real dad and you feel soooo sorry etc etc. The 4 of you will never be a close, happy family if you keep calling your ex and keep talking about him. if you don't go on with your life! As you said yourself: your eldest seems to be able to handle the situation very well.
@rosie230 (1674)
14 Sep 11
Thank you for your opinion... what you say makes sense. I only called him a few times, but only because I had the feeling my son was thinking about him and wishing he could go out with him like he used to. For me personally I would rather he disappeared off the face of the earth, so that we can forget the past and move on with our lives. For me I have lovely parents and I was lucky taht I had both of them in my life, I guess I just wanted my son to have that too, but as you say, he has me and my partner, and thats what he needs :) Thanks again, really do appreciate your comment :)
@nezavisima (7417)
• Bulgaria
14 Sep 11
a father should not treat your child. a father should be loving and caring to inspire children and their courage and respect for him. honestly do not know what to say. nice day!
@rosie230 (1674)
14 Sep 11
Thanks for your opinion... I know what you mean, and yes I agree, no child should be treated like that, unfortunately I guess some parents are like this, sad to say really :(