How can you be so dependent and rely on a guy so much?

@911Ricki (13602)
Canada
June 8, 2012 9:01am CST
I was raised to be independent, and dont rely on anyone you do it yourself. So when my friends called me and said her boyfriend dumped her for another girl that her world was over. Now my friends barely hold down a job (her boyfriend paid all the bills), she only worked here and there when the bills needed catching up, she never drove he would drive her everywhere, she could leave the house without him (not because he demanded it she had to have him there), they were together 24 / 7 a week. Without this guy she has nothing to show, she moved back in with her parents and now dependent and rely on them for everything. I could never in my life dependent on others to drive me, cook for me, even budget my money. I would smash my head off something. This girl asked me how I did it in relationships, and I told her usually my relaitonships dont work because I refuse to dependent and rely on the guy to drve me (I want the freedom of driving and I pay for my own car), of working and making my own money, and having my own time (I perfer to take a sh*t by myself). I mean if I went out with friends I wold discuss it but not base my lfie around a guy anf drop everything else in my life. I still have my own things in my life such as education, and even say extra classes or activities. She hung the phone up on me and told me I will never find a guy if Im not willing to drop my entire life, and form it around his.
1 person likes this
7 responses
• Canada
8 Jun 12
When I'm in a relationship with someone I try to make them feel important and involved in stuff with my last relationship (who I'm still good friends with) he was very independent as well so it worked good I would make decisions by myself regarding anything to do with my life and he didn't mind as he said didn't want to hold my hand for everything it gets old fast but I would ask his advice on stuff and vise versa we still call each other up for advise from time to time as I know he will give me an honest answer but if I go a different route from his advice I also know he won't take offense to it either which is good this is a main thing I look for in a guy I am who I am and that won't change need a guy who is the same. Now me and him didn't work out because of the animals here dose not want cats in the house well sorry my cats came first and im not ditching them for some guy which he was cool to understand so we are friends now. I find guys have more difficulty with my animals then my independence they don't like that my pets come before them and I think their ego gets hurt by it a bit :people but I wouldn't ask a guy to ditch his friends for me so I figure eventually someone will hit all the criteria or ill just be the crazy cat lady and live by myself lol
@911Ricki (13602)
• Canada
8 Jun 12
I usually tell guys before dating basically Im not dropping my entire life for them, sure we can make plans and such but Im not quietting my job, getting ride of my animals, and so on. My exs all have said Im too independent and they want someone who clings to them, and they have control over and in the back of their minds know cant survive ont heir own (no joke Ive had about 5 exs say this to me). They will say I didnt know you were that indepdent, and I know you could survive on your own. I find someone who is indepdent as well works out, but most guys its an ego, mind sort thing. The last guy I dated I was going to school full time and working full time midnights, and days he expected me to call in sick, or not go to class for him. I sat down and told him in even a few months, or even a few years where will we be? he agreed on what I had to say that I needed my own things, and goals we broke up for completely different reason (he accused me of cheating with some other guy and I dont put up with bs). I like my alone time, and most guys dont understand that, I mean I get very annoyed, and grumpy otherwise and Ive had 1 guy understand but he was a workoholic so it worked out great. But many as you said dont accept your animals I say if my animals wont accept you then your not worth my time. I had my last ex laugh at me and my cat wouldnt go near him, and scratched his face up haha I should of listen to Patches then. I say when we start dating my animals are there, and if you wont help out then your not worth my time. I mean my sisters boyfriend tells her no animals or they go outside where is her cat? at my aprents house because my sister thinks her boyfriends more important.
• United States
9 Jun 12
I am an incredibly independent person even though I am married. I'm married but if he left me tomorrow I would be devastated but I would survive. She is mad at you because she knows you are right. It's going to take her a long long time to grow up and realize what she has turned herself into. I cannot imagine being that helpless. As far as the animals go I went out with a guy who when I said I wanted a lot of cat's he said oh yeah?, and what if I don't want cat's? I said, well we are not married and I really wasn't asking your opinion. I will have what I want and no man is going to tell me what I can and cannot have. Needless to say I got rid of Mr. controlling. Now I have six. I don't blame you for being frustrated with this type of person but the most you can do is let her slowly come to her senses. And don't help her with anything. Let her start fending for herself in this world, she needs to learn.
• Canada
9 Jun 12
LOL my dog who used to be my deciding factor as to weather to date a guy or not it was how they acted with him or her with them now my cat I can't really use as a judge well I do to some extent maverick has alot of "mental" problems the vet can't pin point what is wrong with him but with me he is the sweetest cat ever he gives the best kisses and I can do what I want to him now enter new person maverick freaks out like attacks people and everything he can not handle new things in his environment and when he gets all worked up he doesn't even recognize me the vet thinks it's a form of autism but is not sure. So now when a guy comes over I explained maverick to them and tell them just to stay away from him and they will be okay he won't hurt them unless they get to close he needs time to adjust now how they react to this tells me alot about the person most give a comment about stupid cats or let him try to hurt me or you don't u get rid of him and they usually find themselves on their way home pretty quick
@WakeUpKitty (8703)
• Netherlands
8 Jun 12
Being independent doesn't mean you should not accept any help, gestures from someone. If you keep that attitud it will be hard for you indeed to find someone unless you will attract someone who will (ab)use you for everything. So the kind of man who loves you to pay his bills etc. Being independent means you are educated, are able to run your own life, you have an income and your decisions are not always made by someone else. But this doesn't mean that if you have a relationship you can always do it your way. As soon as you find the real one you will see you will change. There is nothing wrong btw to have your own stuff, not to share everything but I do hope you will accept that from your partner as well. I do agree that it's always wrong to rely on anyone completely since if that person (no matter if it's a parent, uncle, teacher, neighbour, friend, partner) is not there anymore you will be and feel lost.
@911Ricki (13602)
• Canada
8 Jun 12
I certainly wont be paying guys bills my ex pulled that and I laughted in his face (and thats why hes gone). Now if I lived with a guy I would contribute my share, or vice versa noone is living off me for free nor am I living off people for free. Ive had relationships were yes give and take, we make plans but I dont expect say boyfriend to drop his entire life to be with me, and Im not willing to do that either. Ive had guys tell me to quiet my job, move in with them, and spend my entire day with them (nope, not happening). Ive had guys understand completely I want to work, and have my things but they dont accept my animals. My friends mindset is that is life, you are nothing without a boyfriend, and his sole purpose and yours is to do nothing but be with him. I think shes in a dream world and will get a rude awakening the fact she has nothing of her own, I mean my brother wife does scrap booking once a week (that is her thing and get out sort of speaking), my friend wont lift a finger without her boyfriend andhim being there. I like being able to take a sh*t by myself without my boyfriend sitting beside ssaying its alright. I was taught to jump in and take risks and sure if a tiime comes you cant do something you ask for help, but dont expect each and everytime for everything you get help. I would expect someone to pay my bills, drive me around, even make my decisions I would ask for advice and talk it over but my sole deicions isnt theres.
@JieMing (89)
• United States
8 Jun 12
Sadly I have a friend like this too. =/ Since she has been with her boyfriend (it's been a year now) she has completely changed. She basically "gave" her life to him. She doesn't hang out with friends anymore, including me. Sometimes in class she is so sad, and when someone asks why, it is always about her boyfriend. He has control over her time and emotions now. I admire your mindset, please just stay who you are and don't listen to that girl. Guys also don't want a girl who is too lazy and won't contribute to anything. Guys would not be able to tolerate constantly having to drive someone around like their kid and giving that much of their money to a girlfriend. Anyway, summary, glad you aren't like that, good for you. =)
@911Ricki (13602)
• Canada
8 Jun 12
I could never drop my life for a guy, and I was raised that way. My friend is very similar to yours, she barely works, her boyfriend pays the bills (she even pays his child support), she cant go anywhere without him ( but she makes that decisions) I think he wishes she would go away sometimes. She has that mindset her life is nothing without her boyfriend, she has no friends, nothing anymore. Her boyfriend drives her everywhere, they work together, and live together, shes has nothing of her own, and whenever someone says something she says her boyfriends her world (I think in the future she will regret it). I just think sure getting advice, but not taking their decision and following it, or not having your own things.
@ElicBxn (60981)
• United States
9 Jun 12
Someone is an idiot here... and it ain't you!
@Porcospino (23519)
• Denmark
8 Jun 12
My husband and I spend a lot of time together and we do a lot things together, but I could never depend completely on him. I just couldn't live with that. I have my own income and I can arrange my own transportion. I haven't given up my old friends either. I enjoy the time that I spend with my husband and the activities that we do together, but it is important for me to spend time on my own as well. I have a friend who is like your friend. When her and her boyfriend broke up she moved back to her parents' home, because she couldn't be alone and she wasn't able to do the things alone that her boyfriend used to do for her. I find it hard to understand people who depend so much on other people, because my independence is very important to me.
@jaiho2009 (38994)
• Philippines
8 Jun 12
I started living on my own when I was 18 and even send myself to school in between jobs. Well, I live in a dormitory when I was 14 yrs old during highschool and that really helps me a lot to be independent at an early age. I never stopped working even after marriage and earn on my own. I think independence depends on individuals- some are too dependent that they miss a lot about freedom.
@SomeCowgirl (32264)
• United States
8 Jun 12
I have done that before, dropped my entire life and formed it around his. It's not a good thing. I was in love though, and I did everything for him. Even things now, that I look back on and think why did I do that. It hurt the relationship even more because I didn't establish myself, I let him do for me etc in ways he really should have let me do for myself. In any case, We broke up and I had to move back with family. It was hard for awhile because I couldn't find another job but I came on mylot and did what I could, and I finally found something. The situation here though is, That I am the only one who actually buys things that are not only healthy for you but are also just delicious and so sometimes my food gets gone before I HAVE a chance to eat any of it. Also, I am the main one to bring food in to fix, otherwise we eat out.. it's not good. In any case, No, Never again will I depend solely on a man. I will have my own thing going on as well.