Cousins dating Cousins?!?!? Right or Wrong?!?!?

United States
October 1, 2012 3:17pm CST
Today while I was out, I ran into my friend, Sarah. We sat for a while talking when I asked after her parents. She admitted to me that her mother and her are at odds because Sarah is in a relationship with her cousin. It took me a minute to sort out all the details, but this is what's going on... About a year ago, Sarah's mothers cousin died of cancer. Sarah's mother was very upset, so Sarah went with her to the hospital the night the cousin past. According to her, she was "instantly attracted to this young man that walked into the hospital room". I guess her side of the family had nothin to do with the young mans side, because they were deemed the "bad side", so Sarah had no idea who the man was at first. After the funeral, Sarah's mom suggested Sarah start talking to the young man. Her mother said that both him and Sarah had a lot going on in life and that it may help to have someone to talk to. So Sarah got the guys number from her mom and they started talking over the phone and then started hangin out together. Sarah says that both of the - her and the young man- are very attracted to each other and have moved in together and are pursuing a "couple" relationship. Now her mother, who was okay with them "dating" at the beginning, is tellin people behind Sarah's back that she will disown Sarah if the relationship continues. She has made it clear that she is not happy with this, and intentionally makes smart comments to sarah about this. Sarah's father believes that her mothers issue isn't so much with Sarah and her cousin dating, but has more to do with her mother being jealous. Her father suspects that Sarah's mother and the cousin (the one who died) had more than just cousin type feelings for each other but were not able to act on them like Sarah and the young man can because of the relation being so close. (I hope you guys can follow all this!) Now, Sarah's argument is this: they are second cousins, and therefore not closely related that it breaks any laws in the state she lives in. According to her, second cousins having a relationship is not biblically wrong, and that medical research shows that she would have a better chance of carrying a baby full term if she were to have children with her cousin. (she has had a very hard time getting and staying pregnant.) and she told me that the only reason society says this is wrong is because of some messed up medical research years ago, that has since been proven wrong. She asked me what I thought of this, and to tell you guys the truth, I was shocked! I have no idea! I've never come across anyone in a relationship with a family member, distant or not. I can see her mothers poit about it being weird and uncomfortable, and I can see Sarah's side (kinda) with it not being wrong so why not. This really REALLY took me by surprise, and I know I hurt Sarah's feelings by not jumping to her side. But.... I just don't know. Relationships between cousins is something that is viewed as taboo. But why is that? If she's right and medically it's better, or at least generally the same as far as kids go, and she isn't breaking some law, then... Is it really a big deal? Obviously this kind of thing isn't the norm, but it probably happens more than you think. I think some countries even accept it without a second thought... I think. Someone please tell me your thoughts. I feel bad for hurting Sarah's feelings. Is this okay, or is it wrong? Help me out here!
7 responses
@ShyBear88 (18575)
• United States
2 Oct 12
I think if they are both old enough then it's there choice to do what they want and be with whomever they want and if it's not breaking an laws then people should just stay out of it. You can either choice to be friends with her or not. To me second cousin not a big deal at all every little dna that is same as each other and it wasn't too uncommon a long time ago. It's a lot better if they where like step cousins or adopted cousin people wouldn't care as much but really no body has any right to say in what kind of relationship another person as when their is not laws being broken.
• United States
2 Oct 12
Oh for sure we are still going to be friends. I think my initial reaction was shock because it's just so uncommon. I have talked to her again since posting in MyLot, and she is just drooling over this guy. We have made plans for us all to get together this weekend. It's probably more common that people think, it's just kept hush hush because of society.
@ShyBear88 (18575)
• United States
2 Oct 12
That's good your still friends with each other and going out together this weekend. I hope you all have fun. Yes it might be more common then people think or know. I know my husband has two cousin that married each other but they are adopted cousins so they have no genetic links to each other.
• Jacksonville, Florida
1 Oct 12
I am finding it as difficult as you to answer this. My older sister when she was a teenager, made out with her second cousin. They are not cousins by blood only by marriage. But our family FLIPPED out on them! It was not acceptable even though they were not really related at all. I don't know how I feel about it. They grew up together and were thought of as cousins even though they really were not related. So, I am not sure what I think about it...Sorry I could not be of more help to you about it...
• United States
1 Oct 12
I know... I can't seem to make up my mind either. I mean... Sarah seems to be very happy. She was all smiles and stuff when she talked about this guy. He obviously treats her well. And it isn't against the law. I don't know about the biblical aspect, but she said she had put a lot of research into it before they progressed into more than friends, so I guess she knows what she is talking about. But, we were raised that this is wrong, a taboo subject that was forbidden. It's hard to go against what society says. I'd like to support her in her happiness, but about the time I go okay I can do this, then I think second cousins... Ew!
• United States
1 Oct 12
Maybe the big difference is that they didn't grow up together....? She had no idea who he was apparently. But that still doesn't help me make up my mind.
@andy77e (5165)
• United States
3 Oct 12
First, I'll answer it from the Christian Bible perspective, assuming you believe the Bible. The Bible says that G-d created Adam and Eve. Then later on if you remember the great flood that wiped out all life on Earth, human kind started over again, with just three sons of Noah, and each son had a wife. Noah didn't have anymore children, or at least none are mentioned. What this means is, all the people of the Earth, came from those three families, the sons of Noah, and their respective wives. So what does that mean? You and I are related. We're all related. All of us, if you traced it back, back to the very beginning, we're related to each other. In ancient middle east culture, this was well understood, because there were detailed records of peoples genealogy. This is why in the Bible there are several loving and romantic references to "My sister my spouse". Song of Solomon. Read that if you want hot text. Or Sarah and Abraham. Even Joseph and Mary, the mother and father of Jesus Christ, were related. We've lost the idea that we're all related, because of a number of reasons, one of which is simply that records of linage, most were lost when people came from Europe, to America, and started their lives over with a clean slate as it were. My father can trace his linage back to the boat that our ancestors came to America on. But beyond that, we really don't know much except they were a clan somewhere in Germany. The problem with inbreeding, and the stigma of marrying relations, comes from historic belief that Monarchy, Kings and Queens, were not just royal by title, but had "royal blood". It was their actual family that was amazing or whatever. As such, Royals could only marry other Royals, because you can't have those common folk blood mixed in with us pure royal people blood. Then of course, we all know what happens when you inbreed too much. Your kids end up all screwed up. But your friend is correct. I think after 1st cousins, there is no genetic problem. I wouldn't marry your mother's sister's son. But beyond 1st cousins, there's nothing wrong. And I'd have to look it up, but I'm pretty sure that there's no prohibitions in the Bible, beyond 1st cousins. Distant cousins, is not a problem. Now I would tell your friend that she is *going* to get flack from this. She will. I promise you, if people find out, they will have an opinion on it. That's how life is. Its simply not fair. But anyone who really looks at the Bible, and at Genetics, there's no problem here. Go, be happy, be fruitful and multiply. Just do it right. Don't be sleeping around until you are married.
• United States
3 Oct 12
That is a really good answer andy77e. I appreciate you taking the time to write all that. I know we all are basically related, however I don't think most people think about that any more. I think you are correct in only first cousins being monitored. And I believe they are technically third cousins. I think Sarah is prepared for those who will look down on her, regardless or what is true or right. I wish her the best with it all. Like I said, I am going to get together with her and this guy this weekend. From the sounds of it, he is very good to her.
@WakeUpKitty (8706)
• Netherlands
2 Oct 12
By law it's allowed and the bible has nothing to do with that. This besides of the fact religious people are mostly married to cousins/relatives. If Sarah is happy and the cousin is who are you to judge her? How come people just can't be happy for others if it comes to love? BTW medically it's nonsense what you state. If you meet a stranger you can have a big change to get handicaped children as well. It all has to do with dna, nothing else.
• United States
2 Oct 12
Whoa, WakeUpKitty, I don't believe I am judging her. I was simply asking what everyone else's take on it was because (as I already said) I have never personally come across anyone who is dating a relative of theirs. And, as far as what I said medically, I was only restating what she said. I haven't done any type of research on it, she has. I think I stated that the medical aspect was what she had told me. Are you a doctor? The reason her feelings are hurt, was not because I will no longer be friends with her, it was because I was taken off guard, and did not jump to her side (in the fight with her mother) as I have always done without hesitation. I did not say I wouldn't be friends with her, or that I couldn't be happy for her. I think her reason for telling me it isn't biblically wrong is because her mother is a pastor, and would consider what the bible would say is wrong. I am not the one who is judging her- her mother is. And, you are judging me, based on what you THOUGHT I was saying. But really all I was asking was what everyone else thought about cousins dating cousins. Is it wrong because society says it is, even though society is in fact wrong.
27 Apr 16
According to medical science it is not advisable to have physical relationship with cousins. Cross -breeds reduces the diseases existing in previous generations.
• Southend-On-Sea, England
3 Oct 12
I think it depends on the laws of the country you live in. Here in the UK cousins are allowed to marry. Two of mine married over 40 years ago and are still happy together, plus have raised two healthy, happy children and now have four healthy happy grandchildren. However, despite it being legal, some people here still view it as a taboo type of relationship.
@Zskyla (39)
• United States
2 Oct 12
I look down upon a person who is in love with their brother, sister,or cousin---blood related that is. But if the person is like your cousin by marriage (like your aunt and a man married which made him your uncle and his brothers your cousin) or like your step brother (assuming you liked the person--your brother--before your parents got married, and the circumstances did not change your viewpoint) or in a situation where your parents switched partners with another family and so you are now considered "brother and sister" (don't ask, I've seen it happen, and yes it is very complicated and utterly confusing) then yes I'd say go ahead, and let them date or even marry!