rant (1)

January 26, 2013 1:50am CST
Hi guy(s)/(or) myself, just a little self introduction about myself. My name is James, and I feel that life is pretty tough nowadays. I can't find any relevant topics to speak my mind, so I decided to do it here. I believe eventually someone would drop by and read my story. A few things has been bothering me for awhile, it has prevented me from sleeping well, so I wake up in the morning feeling pretty much depressed. But of course I wouldn't want my friends to see me in such a state, no one really knows what the heck is going on in my mind. All they saw in me was a happy, carefree, out going and a joker, whatever. I hate to be called a joker, all I wanted was to cheer them up when we are down. I don't like the idea of being a joke. That's not exactly the point though, my main concerns are actually bigger problems, and that lies with my family ties, relationships, my walk with God. I haven't got the time to pen down much, but I guess I'll just do it whenever I find the time to. my first concern, family ties; I live with my elder brother and my parents in a apartment, good enough for all of us. My parents are of average income, but everything is pretty much alright. The only problem is, I feel extremely awkward to open up to them, probably because of the things that happened in the past. We used to quarrel a lot, our thinking, mindsets are not the same. What ever things that I do, they will have something negative to do, or like " That's not how you do it!" It can't be that I'm doing every damn thing wrong. Well, right now, its just so difficult to even start a conversation, all we've said to each other a day is like; "Have you had dinner, son?" "Yes ma" ...and that about it, the rest of the day, we don't even see each other's faces even though we live in the same house. I feel as if like I'm living in a hotel instead. I am not sure how long is this going to be, or would the situation ever improve, it has been going on for years now. My parents are not really young anymore, I am afraid I might even lose them before I ever actually tried to improve and be comfortable around them. As for my brother, things are a little better, but we don't talk too much either. It sucks as I feel quite alone sometimes, but I can't bring myself to open up. Maybe its my pride? or maybe its just inertia or something, my brain is in a wreck right now, I can't think of a solution, my mind's just blank. I hope through all these self reflection, I would be able to find an answer, or at least refer back to what I've been ranting about. Maybe it'll help.. just maybe..
2 responses
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
3 Feb 13
You are not yet married.You are living with loving parents and brother and why should there be so much of churning within your mind? Did your parents not have enough time to spend with you when you were young?Have you finished your education? What is really wrong that calls for such a rant? Probably, your differing view points have made you not achieve something that you really wanted.Pursue some activity that ill give you satisfaction.If you are in a job, give your heart out to get perfection in whatever you do.Once you start being a performer you will rise in your parents' ' esteem.Probably yours is a self-esteem crisis.
3 Feb 13
Can you get another job? If you're that unhappy, I would recommend it, if it's possible where you are. Also, if I were you, I'd try slowly with my parents. You don't spend any time with them right now, so just trying hanging around for a few extra minutes in the kitchen at dinner time, say a few more things than you would have before. If you start up slowly then it might not be too overwhelming, and hopefully your parents will respond and make it easier. Maybe you could even tell your parents that you want to be closer to them but that you feel like they will critisise you,and that it upsets you when they do and that's why you've been distant. I don't know if your family is the type to accept those kinds of conversations, but it might help.
@ctryhnny (3463)
• United States
26 Jan 13
Yes, mylot is a great place to get things off our mind. The good thing about it for me anyway is that nobody here knows me so they can't get mad or upset about what I write. I hope you feel better getting things off your chest. You can do that here and get paid for doing it. Isn't that awesome!
• Singapore
26 Jan 13
woah, hi ctryhnny. Didn't thought anyone would come here so soon. Yes, it sure made me feel a little better. But of course my main objective is not about the money, I think it would be great if I can solve my issues instead! Anyway I am glad that you cared to say something. cheers.