My friend expects too much from me
By Mickie30
@Mickie30 (2626)
March 8, 2013 6:32am CST
Hi I hope someone can advise me. I feel really low today because of this. I have a best friend that has just moved. I have helped her to unpack things and sort things which I don't mind. I have 2 kids, 1 of which has autism and needs all the care I can give him. I also need to make sure my house is tidy because I've had social services on my back. I told my friend that she should never feel a burden to me because she has a collapsed lung and cannot do too much.
The other day I was talking to her about coming over and seeing her. I asked what time she wanted me and she said 2 and then changed it to 1 because she said that she needed to get the lounge straight. The thing is she expected me to do the lounge without asking me because she had guests coming later that day. Whilst I don't mind helping her I don't want to be taken for granted. I was already coming over to help her wash her hair and she expected me to tidy her living room too.
She has expected me to do other things too. When I told her I had a bad back she expected me to move a heavy couch for her and her electric wheelchair. The thing is she is a really lovely person and I love her. I don't know if she cares about me when she asks me to do these things knowing I am in pain. I also have mental health problems. I don't know what to do.
4 people like this
15 responses
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
8 Mar 13
I would tell her that I cannot do all of that because of my back. Maybe you could help her find someone that would come in and help her keep up with things, an hour or two a week, just so things don't get out of hand. If you don't speak up, she will never know that you feel this way, and you don't want your friendship to suffer, or hurt yourself in the process.
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
9 Mar 13
She may not even realize that she is doing this. I would be gentle and explain your health prevents you from doing everything you would like to. She may not realize how hard it is on you and just be sure to tell her that you will help her find a solution to getting things done. It is not that you don't want to help her, you can no longer physically do it.
We have someone that comes in and helps with my son, 4 hours a week. I would want her to tell me if something is too much for her, instead of losing her as a friend or helper. I try not to expect too much out of her but would hope she would tell me if she thought that I was.
@Mickie30 (2626)
•
9 Mar 13
The thing is she knows that I have a son who is autistic and that I have mental health problems. She also knows that my back is bad because I've told her all of this. She also knows that social services are on our backs and that I have to make sure my house is clean all the time. She doesn't have children so she doesn't have the same pressures as what I do. When I go round there she makes subtle hints that I should be unpacking for her and tidying up because I helped them to move to a new house. Whilst she just sits on the couch and blames her illness. I am not sure how a collapsed lung would affect someone or whether she is just playing on it so I will do all the work for her.
@angelkarah050182 (4980)
• Philippines
8 Mar 13
Oh, my. What a difficult situation! Of course you want to extend your help to your dear friend but I guess she's really expecting too much from you. You are not her helper. You are not her slave. I hope she'll also consider your back pain and your responsibilities to your children. She can get other people to help her if you can't do something for her. Are you her only friend?
1 person likes this
@AnnieHouston (208)
• China
8 Mar 13
Female friends always take ur help for granted. I maily had the same trouble like urs, I guess ur friend may had a few male friend when she was young, is that right? The friend of mine had, and the boys were very willing to help her without having received any appriciation, and she's used to it, when I became her friend, she considered that I am as same as her previous male friends and treats me like the same, I think ur situation is so much like mine, maybe she look u as her male friend as well. She was spoiled by them and u can do nothing but accept and maybe she'll listen to u if u have a talk with her about that.
1 person likes this
@natliegleb (5175)
• India
9 Mar 13
They are not friends at all if they expect so much from you inspite of being aware about your pain,they are just covering in the name of friends,ignore them
1 person likes this
@mrswhitfield (2044)
• Indonesia
12 Mar 13
May be your friend did not mean to make you work hard with her. She was busy and her mind full of many things she should take care of, and when her friend (you) come to help her she must be really feel blessed. Someday she will on your side when you need a helping hand.
1 person likes this
@asokavaradhana (257)
• India
9 Mar 13
Well,this is one case of people and relation management.Be it in any relation or with people,you need to set expectations both ways.It is harsh truth.You may not be able to sacrifice or go down for long.Worse, if you do on the long run, you may talk back or have arguments , which could result in few things.Coming to your issue,you need to slowly tell her what you are going through in a diplomatic way.Say that your bad back has even prevented you from doing certain things and doctor has asked for adequate rest as it has gone to bad levels.Tell her sweetly that you love and care about her, but sometimes these days you are not able to do certain things as you are facing mental and physical issues alongwith family stuff.And that you know she would be considerate for you and would help in same fashion for your issues in a small and considerate manner.Its all about how you put it across and it should be purely diplomatic.You should not show you do not want to do it but then you should show and say its not possible to do with things granted.Its a thinline.If you could do that, most of your problems should be over.Hope that helps.Enjoy your time here in mylot ,my friend.Thanks!
@Iriene88 (5343)
• Malaysia
8 Mar 13
You should take care of yourself too. If you are not well,
how on earth you are going to help her. You should rest
when needed. Do not ever exhausted yourself, you must
love yourself too. Perhaps you should get another helper
to volunteer together to handle heavy things.
@lady1993 (27225)
• Philippines
8 Mar 13
I hate people who are like that- i have a few friends who are like that, once you start helping them, they will always approach you and ask for your help in even harder stuff and taking you for granted. I think you should talk to her about how you feel so she will reconsider her actions..
@Mickie30 (2626)
•
8 Mar 13
I don't mind helping her, but what I don't like is being taken for granted. She has helped me with some things as well and given me things. I like helping her, but I don't like her taking me for granted it makes me feel hurt. She knows that I have trouble speaking up for myself because I have told her nearly everything about me. I am on the verge of giving up on friendships because all they have ever caused me is grief. I have my husband who I love and two precious kids. What else do I need?
@Paper_Doll (2373)
• Philippines
8 Mar 13
Hi Mickie30, you are a very lovely person to do all those things for her. But of course, we should always know our limits. We can help others, but we should not take ourselves especially our health for granted. If she is a true friend of yours, she should understand if you can't do all those things. And of course, know your priorities. Who would take care of your children if you are not around? She should also understand that. I hope she has a relative that you can call if she needs something. Just do what you can do but do not push yourself too hard sweetie. What you have done is more than enough.
@Mickie30 (2626)
•
9 Mar 13
You are very wise in what you say. She already knows I have health problems and that I cannot work because of these. I have felt so low since she expected me to do her lounge without even asking. It made me feel like I was being seen as someone who works for her and I am supposed to be a friend. It's almost as though the only reason she wants me to come round is so that I will help her with things. That really hurts because I thought she was different to all the other friends who have hurt me before.
@Paper_Doll (2373)
• Philippines
9 Mar 13
Cheer up my friend... It is definitely her lost not yours, if you decide to end your friendship. Learn to say No if you feel that it ain't right. I have a colleague at work, he was an engineer and thinks that because his position is higher than me, he can just command me to clean the dust in our office. I was offended since it was not my job so I told him I am not doing it I am not a janitor. My point here is respect should start from us. If you let others look down on you, they will definitely take advantage of that. I really hope you will find a friend that will cherish and respect you.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
8 Mar 13
I think you should tell her how you feel. Perhaps even help find someone who can help her out a few times a week. It can only imagine how hard it is for her to keep up with everything but she has to have someone do that who knows what they are doing as well as who may have that as a career.
@Mickie30 (2626)
•
8 Mar 13
I think that every response leads me to think that I have to talk to my friend about this. I don't know whether she has the money to employ someone, but why should she expect me to be her unpaid worker? It's not fair and it's not what I need. It's a one sided friendship. Thanks for your advise.
@redvakaurvaki (4216)
• Indonesia
8 Mar 13
hi, mickie, sorry to say this, I think your friend were too much and she try taking the beneficial of your kindness. if she's really your friend, she won't ask that much and will understand your situation. say "no" to her and again, tell your situation to her and ask her to understand you. if she's a real friend, she will understand and ask your apologize for abusing your kindness
@Mickie30 (2626)
•
8 Mar 13
Thanks for understanding. She is really subtle with it too. It's like she knows what she is doing. I feel like if she were a real friend then she wouldn't ask me to do things she knows are too difficult for me. It is so hurtful that I might have to lose her friendship because everything was going well. I never seem to have any luck with friendships.
@cttolledo (5460)
• Legaspi, Philippines
8 Mar 13
I think what she needs now is nanny/helper. you can help but I am sure you cannot devote your time to her all the time because you have also a personal errands..and also you have to think also your health. Try to tell her in a nice way maybe that you cannot 24 hours lend her your time to do some errands, then ask her if it is okey to look for assistant that could help her .
@mariaperalta (19073)
• Mexico
8 Mar 13
Sorry to hear that. Are you sure you are not being used by that friend. I hope not. Try having a talk with her about this.
@mariaperalta (19073)
• Mexico
9 Mar 13
Very true, i think you need to sit down and have along talk with her there. Good luck there.
@Angelpink (4035)
• Philippines
8 Mar 13
Hi Mickie ! You are such a very real and amazing friend. You are having unconditional love to your friend , that is so beautiful ! Your friend leans in you and you're their not greedy to give her the time and your effort but you also having a life of your own , i guess you don't let her abuse your kindness might be she becomes selfish already because of her situation forgetting your side , that you got a house of your own that you need to take care , also your having health issues. You need to teach her also to be independent , that you can't be there always for her . You must set limits also.
1 person likes this
@meme0907 (3481)
• United States
8 Mar 13
I'm sorry this situation has you down Mickie30...the best thing you could do is talk to your friend and tell her in a gentle way how you enjoy helping her and how her friendship has positively affected your life then tell her how her expecting favors has begun to adversely affect your morale...then tell her something wonderful about your friendship to close...if you don't talk it out with your friend the animosity and resentment will grow in your friendship because your feelings will ultimately show through and who knows what your friend may take that for without knowing her actions are hurting you....Hope that helped...Good luck to you and hugs 
