Fear

By
United States
August 24, 2015 6:01am CST
I have this memory that has been popping into my head lately. It's of a time in my life that was necessary, but unfortunately kind of embarrassing. I remember one particular day that stings the invisible scars that anoint my being. I remember the fear mingled with hope, and yet the overwhelming desire to run, to flee and free myself from the suffocating feelings. I remember looking at the people in the room with me and being so damn scared of change that it shook me to my very core. I guess that was the first time I realized how much routine and constant things make me feel secure. I wanted to be alone in that room, I didn't want to face the fear that sat beside me. I felt the pressure of wanting to be free from my fears, and yet wanting to protect them all the same. I was naive, I was young, and I was scared shitless. The truth is, after that, nothing really changed. I faced the fear but it was still there. In the years following that event, I learned to separate myself, to distance and disentangle myself. I learned to hate, even though that hate was not solely my own. It was fueled by the misgivings and naivete of others. I don't hate that fear anymore, but I am sort of sad that the fear isn't strong enough to face itself. That particular fear is no longer present in my life, and there are many unanswered questions. Questions that I've learned to let go, because truthfully? They are better left unanswered. I wonder who might be reading this and who might realize that this fear has a name. *I originally posted this on my personal Facebook account*
4 people like this
4 responses
@owlwings (40036)
• Cambridge, England
24 Aug 15
I'm certainly fond of routine and the 'sameness' of things. I have sometimes been unsettled, even frightened, when circumstances look as though they're about to change radically and I am almost always scared out of my mind if I am asked to speak to a group of people though, strangely enough, I can introduce and sing a song in front of an audience of thousands without any qualms at all. As long as I know in advance that things will change and will have to change and can see, at least, the basic patten of that change, I can cope with it. Any fear I have simply opens my ability to adapt and evaluate each step of the change as it happens and I am usually confident and competent at coping with it. I am not sure (because your description doesn't make it clear) whether that matches your fear - probably not, because, in my case, it is not one but many fears. Fear of making a fool of myself (when I know that I'm required not to); fear of forgetting my agenda; fear that people will not understand what I want to say (even though I may have written my lecture or speech verbatim); fear that I may sound too pompous or too light, be over-wordy or too colloquial so that I either bore my audience or that they may not take me seriously. Most of these come down, one way or another, to a fear of what people might think of me and that is something over which I have no control. I don't think that it's possible to fear things which you know that you can control but if you are not sure that you can control something (such as your emotions or blushing or the pitch of your voice) then that is when you begin to lose confidence in yourself and actually fear your lack of trust in yourself. No, I can't guess what name you give to your fear.
• United States
29 Aug 15
My description was not exactly about that. However, I have had that kind of fear and anxiety before. I am still very much a creature of habit and routine. I can cope and handle things if I am given advance notice, but otherwise am a mess of worries. The description / this post was actually talking about my father, and a time in my life when I feared him.
1 person likes this
@owlwings (40036)
• Cambridge, England
29 Aug 15
@ScribbledAdNauseum I'm sorry to hear that you feared your father. I think that I only ever feared my father's anger once. He was usually a very peaceable man and I only ever saw him angry that one time.
@simone10 (21646)
• Louisville, Kentucky
24 Aug 15
I am also a person who likes structure in my life. I like having a routine and anything out of that routine can cause turmoil. For me, I think it is always about control.
• United States
29 Aug 15
I have always been routine based. When growing up it was just a part of way things were ran.
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@simone10 (21646)
• Louisville, Kentucky
29 Aug 15
@ScribbledAdNauseum It was for me too. My parents started that out and I just feel more comfortable.
@celticeagle (121039)
• Boise, Idaho
27 Aug 15
This is a part of life's lesson. How we go up against the fears in our lives. Isn't it our own lack of confidence that causes fear? If we know that we are doing the best we can and walking toward life in as positive and honest a way as we can then what do we have to fear? I would let it go. Tell myself I am doing the best I can and I won't be afraid anymore. Take it a day at a time.
• United States
29 Aug 15
This was a fear that I had for a long time. It was when I was younger. Now the fear is just a sad non part of my life. The fear is a person. No longer a fear but a memory.
@Mavic123456 (16352)
• Thailand
24 Aug 15
at least you know and acknowledge that there is something wrong with you. I mean the "fear" the change maybe. that's the first step. and what the most important thing among all of these fears.. is that you are able to conquer it and stepped on it. Congratulations, you have just proven that you are a human being. We all have fears, doubts, sadness, happiness and anxiety, it is all by means because we are humans.
• United States
29 Aug 15
This post, though recent, is speaking of something from my past. The fear has been long gone.
1 person likes this