Rock and Roll Hall of LAME

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I was outraged. I was offended. I was nonplussed (and, yes, that’s the correct way to use that word smarty pants). I sank in my chair, the one without the semen stains that look like the face of Steve Buscemi, and wondered aloud why I had to suffer this way. This wasn’t about politics or religion. It wasn’t about school shootings or why they stopped making Twinkies. This was about rock and roll. The purest form of music on this planet outside of the didgeridoo. The nominations are in and it’s worse than ever. A woman who’s main claim to fame is exposing her nipple at a kind of big sporting event is the “big name” this year. Who else is rock and roll enough to get there? Abba Madonna Michael Jackson The Bee Gees. THE. BEE. GEES. Because when you think of rocking out, you think of Barry Gibb. What all these performers have in common besides having nothing to do with rock and roll, is that they are all in the ROCK AND ROLL Hall of Fame. There are choirs from Brooklyn that are more rock and roll than these people. Johnny Cash was more rock and roll than these people. Former President Bill Clinton played a better saxophone than Madonna did a skin flute. Motorhead is not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and, once again, have not been nominated this year. For reasons of full disclosure (not to be confused with full dis-clothers which is an automatic arrest in a public park), I am a huge Motorhead fan. I have been for all of my adult life. They are rock and roll. The lead singer of Motorhead, Lemmy, is an icon. He’ll be 70 years old this December and almost died two years ago from complications due to: Being almost 70 years old. Ingesting enough chemical substances to make Keith Richards call Uncle at an all you can snort cocaine party. Lemmy decided a change was in order to continue the whole breathing in and out thing. What were his big life changes? He quit drinking whiskey. And switched to vodka. He no longer smokes three packs of cigarettes a day. He cut back to one a day (packs of cigarettes, not the vitamin regimen). How much more ROCK AND ROLL can you get? Say what you want about how the days of “Sex, drugs, and rock and roll” are over, but everyone knows the best albums of all times have been made that way. It’s a lifestyle of rebellion and anarchy. “Guns N’ Roses” made one of the best rock albums of all time with “Appetite For Destruction” while indulging in a lifestyle that can best be described as “How in the name of anything holy are they still alive? And why do they poop standing up?” After they went to rehab, they made “The Spaghetti Incident”. Remember that one? NOBODY DOES BECAUSE IT SUCKED. I think I’m trying to say I can no longer respect an institution that claims to be rock and roll when they induct grown men that wore scarves and one piece, bell bottom jumpsuits while they danced to the light of a disco ball, but turn away a group that have, for 40 years, defined the genre. Here’s a link where you can listen to their 2013 album “Aftershock” and bang your head a bit. Oh, and help out the starving kids in some country thing. Just so you don’t think I’m a selfish prick for getting angry about my first world problems.