I Have A Problem

@fishtiger58 (30380)
Momence, Illinois
December 27, 2015 9:34am CST
While we had a nice time at our Christmas celebration with family at my little brother's house, his wife as usual made some of us miserable. My brother has been married to her for 17 years now and she seems to make it a point to be miserable and nasty with each and every get together. Most of us don't respond to her garbage but we hear it and are not at all happy. Most of her nasty remarks were directed towards my older sister and her grandchildren. Only 2 of us heard her remarks, me and the grandkids dad who is my nephew. As my sister in law was going on and on I was looking at the back of my nephews head expecting any minute for his head to snap around and his mouth to start. He showed amazing restraint. Of course the next day my nephew told his mom what happened as did I. It was mean and unnecessarily of my sister in law to say these nasty things. While I was telling my sister what was said my sister started to cry. OMG I haven't heard my sister cry in decades and the next thing I know I was crying as well. I love love love my sister's grandkids. My older sister told me she in now done. She will never step another foot in my brother's house. Nor will she be at any celebration that my brother and his wife attend. It's not my brother at all he is a good guy. It's her. I'm sick of it too. It's just such a shameful thing she does all the time. I called my younger sister who needs to know what's going on. For at least 10 years my sister in law makes nasty negative comments to my younger sister's face about her son. It's so darn hurtful. My younger sister is also just about done with our sister in law. On two occasions I have jacked my sister in law up about things she has said and now she is super nice to me. Once you confront a bully they mostly quit. That's what she is an adult bully. However she is hurting the majority of my family and that is unforgivable. Even though we know this won't help or change things, my younger sister and I want to sit down with our brother to talk things over. My older sister says it won't change a thing for her. She is done. Any suggestions from you guys would be helpful. It's a horrible situation and one that has me hurt, confused, and angry. What do you think we should do? You know what they say " You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family".
30 people like this
27 responses
@PainsOnSlate (20081)
• Canada
27 Dec 15
I feel sorry for your whole family. Its going to be an uncomfortable conversation with the brother. One bad apple can spoil a whole family. I've never run into this in my family and I am so grateful our life it that way. I hope you brother can do something but I doubt he can make her understand, I think she likes being the bad one.
7 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
I think she does enjoy being the bad person. We have decided to talk to both of them together. I am the one who has to remain calm. I am heartsick over this, but she is hurting my loved ones. I had to confront her years and years ago and since then she is nice to me. But she is hurting my loved ones, I can take no more. My parents are gone and I know this behavior wouldn't be an issue if they were still alive.
4 people like this
@sugartoes (39231)
• Greencastle, Indiana
28 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 not that it would do any good then again it just might I'd get the ones she has hurt together with HER & everyone sit in a room & just let her KNOW how hurtful & mean she has been to y'all sometimes a person don't SEE or KNOW how hateful they really are till those she's HURT comes forward & let her know face to face. There comes a time when we have to break the ties with our loved ones when there's a member in the family that won't change their ways towards other family members I know that sounds mean & all but that's what we had to do that's why we moved to Indiana from Fla.
3 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
@sugartoes I am pretty sure that's what is going to happen. We are going to have a sit down talk, but it's really to late for many of us. It's been going on for 17 years now and enough is enough. We tried to let it go but it's now just to hurtful.
3 people like this
• United States
27 Dec 15
Don't ask me, we moved 800 miles from family to avoid a situation like this.
5 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
We never had problems like this until my brother married her. My parents are gone but I know this would be very upsetting to them.
2 people like this
• United States
28 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 Unfortunately, it's your bother's problem to figure out I guess.
3 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
@AbbyGreenhill I guess so. Me and my older sister have made our minds up.
2 people like this
@just4him (109858)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
28 Dec 15
I know what you're going through. My dad has been a bully all his life, and never has a nice thing to say to me. Your brother needs to know how you feel. So sitting down with him is a good plan.
4 people like this
@just4him (109858)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
28 Dec 15
@ivyparkgirl No it's not a good thing, but there's nothing I can do about it.
4 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
We are going to talk to her and my brother at the same time. My older sister is done with them no matter what the outcome will be.
3 people like this
@sugartoes (39231)
• Greencastle, Indiana
28 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 well you sure can't blame her right? maybe it'd be best if you all just ignore them for the year I KNOW it's your brother & all but sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder so I have heard who knows it just MIGHT be the answer no one needs a bully like her.
1 person likes this
@gudheart (12757)
28 Dec 15
Sounds like a tough situation. Some how need to have a family meeting and let her know how things are affecting others. Best of luck.
3 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
Thanks for the luck we are going to need it. She thinks she is better and smarter than we are, but she is sadly mistaken.
4 people like this
@gudheart (12757)
28 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 Sometimes there is no getting through to such people :(
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
@gudheart I know that's right. She is thick as a brick if she thinks this behavior can continue. We have taken it long enough. She is in for a huge surprise.
1 person likes this
@Teep11 (6940)
• United States
28 Dec 15
Everyone needs to talk with your sister in law. She needs to know how everyone feels. Family isdues can be stressful. Proceed with caution.
3 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
I am the one who needs to proceed with caution. My two sister's will just cry. I will scream and I have to control my emotions and be the better person. She just has no right to be saying all these terrible things about my family. We treat her son like the family he is we love him. She treats both my sister's sons like garbage.
4 people like this
@Elizaby (3596)
• Pensacola, Florida
28 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 That son needs that love because if she is speaking as she has to family members that don't live in the home and can leave when she speaks bad. that son is having to deal with what comes out of her mouth and probably has spoken negative to him just like my dad did. Bullying in these situations are worse in the immediate family and even more harmful.
2 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
@Elizaby I have heard her speak to her son in a negative way as well. Not much I can do about that he is almost 14, he's a good kid. I feel bad for him, but at least he has my brother.
@sallypup (26302)
• Moses Lake, Washington
27 Dec 15
I'm in the middle of my own family snarls. (One thing is said to me while they intend to do something else. Etc.) Anyway, I take it that none of you can talk directly to the woman? Going to her hubby and that's it is not going to do much. If it were my hubby he would stand up for me even if it meant he had to go through a fire. Somehow you need to talk to the lady and ask her what's up?
2 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
27 Dec 15
Yup I think you're right, I expect my brother to stand up for her even if he doesn't agree or like what she is doing. He has to live with her. And I certainly understand that. Maybe I should just go over there and tell her what's up with how the family is sick and tired of her actions. I know my older sister is completely done no matter what happens.
2 people like this
@sallypup (26302)
• Moses Lake, Washington
27 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 My husband is loyal to me no matter what but he also would want to know my reasons if I were to attack somebody. You can't go just ask the lady why she did what she did not and not go in with the attitude of 'telling' her?
2 people like this
@Marcyaz (35756)
• United States
27 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 Maybe if she invites the family and no one shows up she would get the message. Can't blame your sister for no longer wanting anything to do with her.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (13430)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
27 Dec 15
Even though it might not work, you all will have to talk to your brother, once you have, if nothing changes, then you can't say you did not try to let him know how hurtful and spiteful she is.
2 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
We have decided to talk to them both together. I have a feeling I know how it will turn out. I can hear her ugly comments in my head already. She is a lawyer and is condescending and mean.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (13430)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
28 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 , though not easy, I think it is good you all will talk to them both together, that way she can't say that everyone went behind her back. Even if it does not go well, you all will know you tried your best. Sorry she is such an unpleasant woman.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
@bluesa I'm really sorry this has to happen as well. We tried just can't anymore.
1 person likes this
@ridingbet (46857)
• Philippines
28 Dec 15
but come to think of it... your sister-in-law is not your immediate family but your brother is your family. I think you should talk with your brother and the rest of you siblings. Although now that you have your own families, the blood line is continuously flowing in your veins. Blood is definitely thicker than water
2 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
We are going to have a sit down talk with her and my brother we have decided. This has to stop.
2 people like this
@ridingbet (46857)
• Philippines
30 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 my kid brother had a marital problem with his wife. Now, they are civil, and the wife is in Dubai. the time they had problems, we decided to stay at the background and not meddle with their problems, but when our family is mentioned, we stick together. he is our kid brother, and the wife is an appendage of our family.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
30 Dec 15
@ridingbet I think their marriage is ok, but it's not something I talk with my brother about. I do know she wears the pants in the family just by the things I have seen.
1 person likes this
@moondebi (1221)
• Bangalore, India
28 Dec 15
Every family has feuds of their own, but if it goes beyond tolerance, it is better to avoid the person. You can arrange the family get-together in some other places and keep her out of that. Eventually, she will get the signal.
2 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
We could do that, but then we are the bad guys, so we are going to talk to her and my brother to express our extreme displeasure with her awful behavior.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
@ivyparkgirl Me too but I can't figure out why she does this. Perhaps she just doesn't like us.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Dec 15
Certainly sounds like a catch 22. If you stay away then you hurt your brother. If you continue to socialize then you are subjected to your SIL nasty words. I can't offer any advice but I do hope you all can find a peaceful resolution to all this
2 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
27 Dec 15
I hate to say it but it's over for some of the family, we have taken her BS for far to long. I may just have to take the long ride over there and get this all out in the open.
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
@ivyparkgirl No he loves her I guess.
@rusty2rusty (6767)
• Defiance, Ohio
28 Dec 15
Inform your brother that he is welcome in your home and around your family. However his wife is not after the last remarks she made. Not sure where he will stand. However, I had to do this with a younger sister and her husband a few years back. I am a much happier person. no reason for anyone to be on edge being around someone just waiting for them to be mean to them because they know they will. Not sure when. that si nota way to live. Time to rid your life of all the drama and pain. You will be much better off. I wish I had stopped talking to my sister years ago.
2 people like this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
You are right, we walk on egg shells when she is around waiting for the ball to drop. And we know it will. This happens every single time we are together. It's to the point of no return. My brother will side with her, or at the very least stick with her as he should I suppose. I don't want to lose my brother but I'm afraid that will be the outcome.
1 person likes this
@poehere (17722)
• French Polynesia
27 Dec 15
You might have to do what I did to my sister in law one time. She came after me one too many times and this time I had enough of her and her mouth. I called her out on it and I started in on her. I got in her face and started telling her how I felt about her. She went after me in Tahitian and so I switched to English. I sure wasn't one bit nice at all in all I did say to her. In the end I kept advancing and the look on my face you could tell I was angry. You knew I was mad. I challenged her to come after me and all she could do was step backwards away from me. I had everyone laughing at how scared she was of me. In the end she stopped all of her crap and we get along OK now. I am still sick of her lies and tales that she tells so basically the less I have to deal with her and talk to her the better off I am. I avoid her at all costs and don't like to speak with her much at all. She is a very negative person and I hate people like this totally.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
I did many years ago, I told her off. She has been nice to me since. That's how you treat bullies. My other 2 sisters are not like me. So she badgers them in nasty ways. It's pretty much over, my older sister is so done with this garbage. But we are going to have a talk with both of them as my sister says she refuses to be the bad guy in all this.
@poehere (17722)
• French Polynesia
28 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 Yah some people hate to take a stand. But if all of you stood up to her and told her off it would more than likely stop. She would come to gathering and be a lot nice. She might even be known as the nice sister in law and no longer the nasty one.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
@poehere As far as my older sister is concerned it's over, there is nothing my SIL can say to make things better. The damage is done and my sister is all out of forgiveness.
1 person likes this
@innertalks (3789)
• Australia
29 Dec 15
You didn't indicate if you are married too, and about, how if you are, your husband responded to this. When we are married, I think our response must be a co-ordinated one, in some ways, as we do not one to upset our own primary relationship, because of somebody's else's problems, or issues. That's just me though. I know I certainly act differently since I got married than I would've done, if I wasn't married. I have my wife to think of first now. I always put her position first, and support her, or ask her what she thinks our reaction should be first, before I jump in and respond, without consulting her first. Before I was married, I would not have done that.
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
29 Dec 15
He thinks I should wait and confront her if it happens again. However this is my brother and my husband can't control what I feel for my brother or his awful wife. I love my brother but his wife not so much. This problem won't affect my marriage in any way. I understand your position for certain things, but how you feel about someone is your own and can't be changed by someone else's opinion. I can't make him like or dislike anyone as his feelings for someone are or can be different from mine. That certainly won't cause a conflict in our marriage. We are all entitled to our own feelings and opinions.
1 person likes this
• Australia
29 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 Yes, the situation is already very hard to cope with. I was just wondering if your husband likes your brother too. If your husband hated your brother, and you love him (your brother), that would be really bad. I was just wondering if your husband takes your side, or stays out of it altogether. It is hard if we have to meet our sister, or brother, behind our wife's back, for example, because she hates them, and wants nothing to do with them, and even doesn't want us to see them any more too, but of course, we still want to see them.
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
29 Dec 15
@innertalks My husband likes my brother, and he likes my sister in law, but he doesn't like how she acts. When she is being nice she's cool. But that nasty streak is coming out more and more. My husband is a peace maker, he takes the side of right over wrong. He is not at all happy with the mess going on in our family, I'm not either but there comes a time when enough is way enough.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Dec 15
Like you said, " You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family". It might be for the best and once your sister in law realizes that your sister isn't going to any more gatherings, she might see the error of her ways.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
I would hope she does, but it's too late my sister and her extended family are so done with all this garbage.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 I know, but if the sister in law sees how wrong she was, I'm sure a sincere apology could bring everyone back together, if not, then maybe that is for the best. There is family I haven't seen in years due to their meanness and I can't change them, but I don't have to put up with them either.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
@Carmelanirel2 I have talked a lot with my sister. She says it's over, there is nothing my sister in law can say or do to change her mind. It's sad but I am totally on my sister's side in all this. I think I'm pretty much done as well. I want to have enjoyable family get togethers no more walking on egg shells waiting for the ball to drop.
1 person likes this
@gr8nana6 (2207)
• United States
28 Dec 15
I am so sorry to hear that, but I'm sure that happens in other families too. There is always one in the crowd. I agree you have to stand up to a bully, let them know they can't get away with this treatment. I hope someone can get through to her that this behaviour is unacceptable.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
Yes I'm sure it happens in lots of families. I am going to sit down and talk to her and my brother. It's so unacceptable, and we have all had our fill.
1 person likes this
@gr8nana6 (2207)
• United States
28 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 don't blame you. I hope your brother wont feel bad towards you and the rest of the family.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
@gr8nana6 He is a pretty easy going guy and he knows we love him, how this will all turn out is anyone's guess.
@softbabe44 (5909)
• Vancouver, Washington
27 Dec 15
Well this is so rude maybe all should set down with the younger brother and her to and tackle it that way this could make him face up to what she is doing so just not one both of them need to sit down with the family this way it makes him have to face it both should face the bullet him for excusing what she does and her for doing it.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
We have decided to talk to them both at the same time. I will be the main one telling the tale, my older sister is going with me maybe my younger sister. But they are both so upset they will just cry. It's a sad situation. She won't change she has finally going to alienate my brother from us, it's not what I want but that will be the end result this I know in my heart. But the damage is way done, and my older sister especially has no more forgiveness to give and frankly I can't blame her.
1 person likes this
• Vancouver, Washington
28 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 Well you're doing what needs to be done and you really are handling it accordingly.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
29 Dec 15
@softbabe44 Thanks I hope so.
@HazySue (19974)
• United States
27 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 that is quite a problem. I take it that your brother is aware of what a B she is. I think it would be a shame to hurt his feelings but someone really needs to talk to her. She is a bully and she needs to be treated like a bully. She needs to face her problem or your family will be broken apart.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
I think after 17 years of her garbage it's already broken. My older sister her son and his family and her daughter and her family are done. There is no more forgiveness left to give. We are going to talk to her and my brother together about this as we don't want to be the bad guys in all this, which she will accuse us of, but we are not.
1 person likes this
@HazySue (19974)
• United States
28 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 I think talking together with family and your brother and sister-in-law is the best thing to do. At least your brother will have a clear understanding of why the family is so broken. I wish you luck.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
@HazySue That is the goal, to let my brother know we love him dearly but no more of this abuse by his wife.
1 person likes this
@Marcyaz (35756)
• United States
27 Dec 15
If this were my family my husband would have plenty to say to her and her husband both. You are right once you confront a bully and they know you have their number they will back down. I can't blame your sisters for being over her.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
In my family my husband, and both my sister's husbands are very calm quiet guys. It's me who has to take care of this, both my sister's just cry. It's breaking my heart. So I am going to have to have a talk with both of them. It won't change things with her she is just mean. But I still have to tell them both how we all feel about this awful situation.
1 person likes this
@Marcyaz (35756)
• United States
28 Dec 15
@fishtiger58 You do not nor do your other sisters have to go to your brother's house on Christmas. You can start having Christmas at each others house instead and let the brother and his mean wife know that you will not be coming to their home again.
@jstory07 (65315)
• Roseburg, Oregon
29 Dec 15
I think everyone should boycott when ever she has the next get together at her house.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
29 Dec 15
I really think that will happen. So many of us are done dealing with her garbage.
@Rohvannyn (3118)
• United States
28 Dec 15
Sounds like a tough situation. Since you are asking for advice, though, I would say get as many people together with her in a room and simply tell her that her behavior is causing her to lose friends and family members. Ask her if that's what she wants. It's not an ultimatum really, but it sounds like she's getting away with it because no one has had the will to stand up to her. That's why being in a group could work. One on one from a trusted friend would be better, so she doesn't feel so ganged up on, but I don't see that happening here. Best of luck to you!
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30380)
• Momence, Illinois
28 Dec 15
For sure me and my older sister are going to sit down with her and my brother. Not sure yet about my younger sister who is the peace maker of the bunch. We'll see I'm done as is my older sister.