A Rare Look at My Life
@just4him (307029)
Green Bay, Wisconsin
January 11, 2017 7:33pm CST
I know you guys know a lot about me, especially if you've been following me for quite a while, so you're probably wondering what I could possibly share that you don't already know.
This is a look into the personal side of me.
With a few posts lately I've made some comments that might make me sound very cold as a person. So I thought I would let you into my world, or at least give you a little peek.
Some of you are aware of my background and how things were with my family. It was very dysfunctional. Cold even. I had a plaque at one time that had a saying about what a child lives with and how they will respond. One of those was - If a child lives with love, he will learn to love. On the flip side was - If a child lives with hate, he will learn to hate.
That pretty much sums up my childhood. If I have one regret in life, it would be that I have no idea what love looks like. I had very self centered parents. Oh they were great giving us presents at Christmas and for our birthdays. However, I had a huge surprise in that category a number of years ago. My parents had been camping and I was staying at the house for a few days and taking care of things while I was there. I decided to do them a favor and clean out the garage. When they got home they didn't tell me how happy they were I did that for them. In fact they were angry that I had placed my old bike frame on the curb. It was just a frame. They then told me the bike wasn't mine. None of the toys I received as a kid were mine. They were only mine to use while I was living under their roof. When I moved out they were their toys, and bikes and things like that. Imagine my shock to find out all my toys I ever received weren't mine and neither was the bike I broke my arm on learning how to ride it.
What is love? How does one measure it? How do you know love when you see it?
I don't know. I never knew. The only thing I did know for certain was how much I hated myself. I couldn't do anything right. Everything I did was backwards, including the way I talked. It was inside out. I would say something, see the blank expression on their faces and think again about what I said and rephrase it so they understood what I meant. I'm not dyslexic. I thought I was normal. I even mentioned that at one time in a post and someone here told me they knew someone just like that and there's a name for it.
I did get married. I did have children. But I can honestly say I didn't love him when I got married. I do love my children, but I had no idea how to show them I love them. So I did the only thing I thought to do, and in so doing, I found I couldn't say 'no' to my children. If they needed something and I could give it, to this day, I drop everything to help my children. It's my way of showing them I love them. It's their way of taking advantage of me. I don't care. My kids come first.
In the past couple years there have been a number of deaths in my family. My brother passed away in June 2014, my X in July 2015, my mother in October 2015, my father in April 2016, and recently a cousin in November 2016, which I found out about after Christmas.
How did all that affect me? It didn't. I said we were dysfunctional. I didn't grow up with love and didn't get along with any of them very well. So I didn't and don't feel anything at their loss. I don't wish they were still here when it came to the holidays. My mother's birthday was last week, it didn't affect me. None of it does.
Does this mean I'm a cold person? Does it mean I can't love someone? I hope not. I would really like to know what love is and actually feel something when something happens to that person, even a family member. The person I'm closest to, or was until I left home was my younger brother. I don't know how I will feel if anything happened to him.
Well that's your rare look at me. Thanks for reading.
23 people like this
19 responses
@celticeagle (159452)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Jan 17
Thank you for this personal look at you. My childhood was more in the middle. Not a lot of affection but enough. I wish you had more of it. We were pretty goofy. Some people just seem to take life so seriously. Cut and dried. Black and white. Well, here's a hug and hope you will continue to let your hair down.
3 people like this
@celticeagle (159452)
• Boise, Idaho
13 Jan 17
@just4him .....Well, you are welcome.
1 person likes this
@DianneN (247191)
• United States
12 Jan 17
You certainly are not a cold person from what I know of you. I'm can't understand how your parents were like that, but perhaps it was their own upbringing or that they grew up in hard times. I'm not making excuses for them at all. As far as love goes, people express it in so many different ways. I know about your husband. As for your children, I know how much you love them. I'm sure you showed them love in many ways besides giving them things. Just having a baby brings out all kinds of maternal feelings, the greatest is love at first sight. Don't be so hard on yourself and thanks for sharing. 
2 people like this
@just4him (307029)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
13 Jan 17
Sometimes it just feels like I'm the coldest person in the world. Yes, my parents were Depression babies. Mom was born in '32 and my dad in '31. I've seen other parents from that same time frame and they didn't act like my parents did. What scares me the most is how my children will react to me if I don't do what they want because of a need in their lives.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157652)
• United States
12 Jan 17
You are very wise because you can label what it is that is the problem. I am sure that is not how it feels to you, however. No, I do not think of you as cold. I think more of you as bruised. Hugs, my friend.
2 people like this
@annierose (19224)
• Philippines
12 Jan 17
Sometimes I feel like I am a cold person too or maybe I am just not a sociable person. I have few friends. I only talk to trusted ones. I think you really know what love is but you were not just raised being showy about your feelings.
1 person likes this
@annierose (19224)
• Philippines
13 Jan 17
@just4him I am sorry to hear that. I don't understand why of all people, mothers sometimes tell us negative things. I wonder if it is because they were raised that way too.
1 person likes this
@just4him (307029)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
13 Jan 17
@annierose My parents never talked about their childhood.
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (64361)
• United Kingdom
12 Jan 17
I know something of this from having read your posts over quite a long period of time, but you've fleshed it out a bit. Thanks for being so honest. I'm sorry that you've never known romantic love, but a mother's love is the purest of them all and you have that for your children.
2 people like this
@fishtiger58 (29823)
• Momence, Illinois
12 Jan 17
I have never thought of you as a cold person. I so enjoy our interactions here on mylot. It's sad that your parents were so cold to you. I don't understand why people like that have children. I love my hubby very much ( although he drives me nuts sometimes) and I would die for my children without a doubt, when they hurt I hurt worse, when they are happy my heart soars. Love is a hard thing to exactly define. It's a feeling, in your heart and your mind. Cut yourself some slack, I think you are a wonderful person.
2 people like this
@just4him (307029)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
13 Jan 17
You know, my grandmother said the same thing about my parents. My father's mother. She told me it would have been best if they never had children. I loved my grandmother very much and I know she loved me. It was part of a conversation we had when she shared with me a side of Dad I never knew before. It clarified a few things about him.
2 people like this
@fishtiger58 (29823)
• Momence, Illinois
13 Jan 17
@just4him It's good you had a loving realtionship with your grandmother, and great memories. I loved my grandmother so very much and miss her still.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
13 Jan 17
I grew up with a selfish, neglectful mother. I suffered abuse from others due to her neglect.. she knew it was happening and did nothing to stop it. Needless to say I have some baggage as an adult from some of the trauma I went through.
A few years ago I read a book called Bad Childhood, Good Life. It's by Dr. Laura. She is rather controversial and has certain views on marriage and parenthood that many disagree with.. but the book is worth a read anyway. It basically states that what your parents did is their fault, not yours, and you're a grown up now and can choose how you behave and don't have to continue to live as a victim.
I do not think I have been acting like a victim, I do not ask for pity for my childhood.. in fact I rarely speak about it because it makes people uncomfortable.. I will just say my childhood was complicated.
But it did help me to get over the extreme anger I felt towards my mother for what she allowed to happen.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
13 Jan 17
@just4him I can speak about it.. I don't because others don't like to hear it, and I understand. I hate hearing about kids being hurt. I don't think I'm fully healed... if my husband forgets to pay attention to me for awhile I do fall into a depression. He's good about switching gears when I tell him how I feel.. but sometimes I just wait to see if he'll make the connection himself (and he's a guy so he never does!) Then I start feeling worthless, like nobody likes me, like I have no friends, like I do everything wrong and everyone must hate me..
1 person likes this
@just4him (307029)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
13 Jan 17
@katsmeow1213 It's good you have a husband who switches gears when you tell him how you feel. From what I know, nobody is worthless. I hope you can work through your situation.
@just4him (307029)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
13 Jan 17
I'm so sorry you had that kind of childhood. I don't feel like a victim any more, and I think that's why I can talk about it. I even love myself now, something that took a long time to accomplish. I'm glad you found a book that helped you.
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
12 Jan 17
No you are not a cold person at all. I can relate to a lot of these kind of happenings. In my case I would not state why except that I can relate.
When you grow up in that kind of atmosphere it affects you much later in life.
At first you don´t think too much about it but as time goes on it can and does get to you and it stops you from being able to cope sometimes with different events.
No you are not a cold person. Because just stating all this here means that you want to reach out in some way to others.
1 person likes this
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
13 Jan 17
@just4him
They say that from birth up to seven years old we are a powerhouse of learning and we absorb it all good or bad.
Depends how much good there was and how much bad.
I feel that need too but then I think twice about it.
Hope it makes you feel much better.
1 person likes this
@averygirl72 (37748)
• Philippines
12 Jan 17
Life is not perfect. I have lots of imperfections in my life too. Don't you have lots of fun memories with them or only sad one? You're a Christian so I know you have the love of Christ in you and that will not make you a cold person
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Jan 17
it doesn't make you cold, or unloving, it makes things... more difficult for you. What you knew as normal wasn't a healthy normal, nor is it, from what I can tell, something you want to continue perpetuating. it just makes feelings, harder. If that makes sense.
1 person likes this
@PainsOnSlate (21854)
• Canada
12 Jan 17
I am sorry you had to grow up in a sad and unhappy family. I know it must have been hard to deal with as a child, a teen and an adult. Everyone deserves love so I hope you have learned to love yourself. i can see from your words i was lucky.
1 person likes this
@MarymargII (12422)
• Toronto, Ontario
12 Jan 17
You do know what love is as you admit you love your children- that's love and you know what it feels like- you must have built a wall to protect yourself from the hurt of your parents. There are many people that did not have love when they were younger and it does damage yes, but can be repaired.
1 person likes this
@MarymargII (12422)
• Toronto, Ontario
14 Jan 17
@just4him Good for you- it's important to always remember it was never you- and it was always- them! No matter what child they had they would have treated them that way- perhaps it went right down their line.
1 person likes this
@amitkokiladitya (171936)
• Agra, India
12 Jan 17
I think it is your past that made you like this..
But please try to love and moreover try to express it.
Then witness the wonders it can do.
But as far as I know you from the past few days I don't think you are a cold person..
I liked you and still like you even after reading your post.
And it does take a lot of courage to write such things about self so I'm proud of you also
.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (130077)
• India
12 Jan 17
Despite whatever background we all come with a package that contains a lot of good things. Although I have not read all your posts a few that i have does give me an impression that you have your own personality that has not been affected with the environment that you grew in.
I have seen love right from the time I was born till today. But as I have said I have my own personality and I do what i think is right.
1 person likes this
@MarshaMusselman (38663)
• Midland, Michigan
13 Jan 17
That's awful what your parents told you after you spent time cleaning out their garage. It's quite possible they really didn't think all of that when giving you presents, but their actions still come across as very suspect.
While growing up my parent's never told us they loved us, so for many years I also wondered whether I had the capacity to love another person. I'm sure you have the capacity, in fact, I know that you do because you have God in Christ in you. I believe that love is a decision,though, and not mainly just a feeling. We may not always feel like we love someone, and we may not grieve for them as others would. That doesn't mean we're without feeling.
@Daljinder (23233)
• Bangalore, India
12 Jan 17
um... this is Valerie's post, isn't it? Just making sure. Cold person is going too far deary. Reserved, numb maybe but "cold"? Not so much.
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (53677)
•
12 Jan 17
You are not to blame, you are dealing with the results of your cold childhood the best way you can. Some people are cold without realizing it or couldn't care less even if they did. The fact that it concerns you shows that you are really a caring person capable of love.
1 person likes this
