My Mother and Me
@DeborahDiane (40055)
Laguna Woods, California
July 11, 2017 4:47pm CST
My husband and I just returned from visiting my family in Missouri and I will write a few posts about that trip.
The primary purpose of taking the trip at this time was to see my mother, who is now receiving hospice care in the home of my sister and her husband. You can see a picture of my mother and me in the photo above. You can also see that she has become extremely thin.
What you cannot see from a photo is that she has dementia, she can barely walk, she has congestive heart failure, has difficulty breathing, and her kidneys are failing.
However, she seemed happy to see me, even though she was frequently confused.
At one point, we had this conversation:
Mom: I'm tired. I think I'll go home now.
My sister: Mom, you are home.
Mom: (Looking puzzled and pointing at my sister and me) Then I want you to all go home so I can rest.
My sister: This is my home, too.
Mom: Why are you living in my house?
My parents are actually living in my sister's home. It is sad, because my mom can have conversations which might make sense to a stranger. However, we know that her thinking is very confused and she seems very uncertain where she is and who people are.
I was glad I got to see her, because we do not expect her to live more than another few months ... at most.
19 people like this
25 responses
@TiarasOceanView (70035)
• United States
11 Jul 17
Thank you so much for sharing this lovely photo of you and Mom Deborah D.
I am glad to know you were able to visit with her and also glad she is somewhere safe.
It is a very cruel condition to have.
I am sorry she is so ill with this, bless her.
I am glad to know you were able to visit with her and also glad she is somewhere safe.
It is a very cruel condition to have.
I am sorry she is so ill with this, bless her.6 people like this
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
19 Feb 18
Thanks for sharing this with us.
I remember her from another photo also.
Good to be able to spend time with her also bless her.
3 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@TiarasOceanView - Thank you for your kind words. Yes, you are right that this is a very cruel condition. My mother was very intelligent. It is sad to see.
3 people like this
@rebelann (111177)
• El Paso, Texas
11 Jul 17
She is probably thinking she is still much younger than she is, I saw mom do that too. What happens is they want to be where it is familiar and no matter how long she's been in your sisters home she is not home, not her home that is.
My sibling had a hard time understanding that and in the end mom simply gave up, my sibling worked so she got stuck with a stupid maid. I had no legal right to take mom to my home, dammit.
5 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@rebelann - I am very lucky that my sister and her husband are taking such good care of my mother, and they are home with her most of the time. My father is there, too. It has been hard on him, too, to see his wife decline so much. It is such a sad disease.
3 people like this
@rebelann (111177)
• El Paso, Texas
12 Jul 17
Oh yes @DeborahDiane it's always hardest on the spouse. Your dad is lucky to have such wonderful kids who are so understanding of their parents needs.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@rebelann - Thank you! It is so hard to watch people struggle as they age. There really is very little we can do to make it easier, but I know my sister tries as hard as she can.
2 people like this
@velvet53 (22528)
• Palisade, Colorado
9 Aug 17
@DeborahDiane It is a hard thing to deal with. I feel sorry for those who has to be the care taker.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
8 Aug 17
@velvet53 - Yes, it is very hard on a family to watch someone who is slowly dying. It is very hard on my sister who is taking care of her.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
9 Aug 17
@velvet53 - Yes, I think it has been very hard on my sister to be a caregiver. It is very stressful!
2 people like this
@louievill (28851)
• Philippines
11 Jul 17
God bless all of you, nice photo and it was wonderful you spent time with your mother.
4 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@louievill - Thank you for your kind words. I was very happy to see my mother and the rest of my family.
2 people like this
@Marilynda1225 (79731)
• United States
11 Jul 17
It is so sad to see a parent decline and having to deal with the confusion of dementia. I love the picture of you and your mom and I'm sure it's one you will treasure forever. I went through the same thing with my mom last year until she passed away in October.
4 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@Marilynda1225 - I am so sorry that you went through the same thing with your mother. I never realized how many people go through this.
2 people like this
@sallypup (57888)
• Centralia, Washington
12 Jul 17
That's a lovely photo. I'm glad you got to visit with your Mom though it was hard emotionally. A few weeks ago I made myself visit with my Mom though it about broke me in two. Dementia is such a nasty business. I wish you well as you walk through this veil of pain.
4 people like this
@sallypup (57888)
• Centralia, Washington
12 Jul 17
@DeborahDiane Part of it may be that folks seem to be living longer. My Mom is going on 96 and seems to be pretty good except for the dementia.
3 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@sallypup - A researcher at the University of California in Irvine, named Dr. Claudia Kawas, has discovered that the risk of dementia doubles every year after about age 70, when only around 2% of people have it. In other words, at 75, about 5% of people have it; at 80, about 10%; at 85, about 20%; at 90, about 40%. In the very elderly, there is roughly a 50/50 chance. I would not want to live to be in my 90s if I was sure I would get dementia. People need to think about that when they talk about living to be 110 or older.
3 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@sallypup - It is sad how many people I know also have parents with dementia. I agree that it is nasty business.
3 people like this
@Blondie2222 (28611)
• United States
12 Jul 17
That is a very nice photo of you and your mother. I'm sure she is grateful you were able to visit her in this rough time she is having. It's not a fun condition to have i know a few with dementia and other problems that come with it. She should be grateful she is not in a nursing home and is at home with your sister where she can be at peace with her husband by her side. I pray for you all and cherish the time you do have with your mom.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@Blondie2222 - Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry to see my mother in such decline, but I am happy she has been able to live with my sister and her husband.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@Blondie2222 - Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry to see my mother in such decline, but I am happy she has been able to live with my sister and her husband.
1 person likes this
@Shavkat (137215)
• Philippines
13 Jul 17
@DeborahDiane You are lucky that there is always the chance to see her.At this point of time, my family and I cannot see our granny aged 99. Recently, we have a family feud over an inheritance. Her children forced to keep her.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@Shavkat - I am so glad I had the chance to see my mother. It is hard to say how much longer she has to live. If she last very long, perhaps I will get to see her again.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
13 Jul 17
@Shavkat - It makes me very sad when families fight over an inheritance. The bad feelings can continue for decades.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
17 Jul 17
@jaboUK - Thank you so much for your sweet words. It has been hard to see my mother in this condition.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
14 Jul 17
@jaboUK - It is hard to say this, but it will be a blessing when she goes. This has been so hard on the people who are taking care of her ... especially my Dad and sister. I don't know how much longer my Dad can go on.
2 people like this
@crazyhorseladycx (39515)
• United States
13 Jul 17
my heart goes out to ya all, hon. 'tis a most diff'cult thingy to watch 's one slips 'way. sendin' big hugs!!
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
14 Jul 17
@crazyhorseladycx - Thank you for your kind words. It does makes me sad to watch my mother slip away. It's tough.
2 people like this
@JamesHxstatic (29242)
• Eugene, Oregon
14 Jul 17
It is difficult to see a parent age like that. Given a choice, I might like to depart the scene before that stage of life occurs.
2 people like this
@JamesHxstatic (29242)
• Eugene, Oregon
15 Jul 17
@DeborahDiane You have a point, I think.
2 people like this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
20 Feb 18
@JamesHxstatic I have always said the same thing. I don't want to be a burden on my kids or don't want to be under their supervision either. 
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
15 Jul 17
@JamesHxstatic - Thanks. Smoking is very rare in California. Both the towns of Laguna Woods (where I live) and Laguna Beach have become non-smoking cities. That means it is illegal to smoke anywhere in either city, unless you are in your home or car and the windows are closed. However, when I was back in St. Louis, my sister, dad, mother and most of their friends were smoking. It was like being in a foreign land.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
14 Jul 17
@DianneN - Yes, it has been very hard to see how weak my vibrant, energetic mother has become. It is sad.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
13 Jul 17
@just4him - Thank you. I am not sure she will ever remember I was there but, as a friend said, I will remember I was there.
2 people like this
@MarymargII (12422)
• Toronto, Ontario
13 Jul 17
Aww that is sad- and honestly she looks alert and aware in the pic. But she seems feisty still and that counts for a lot- good for her!
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
13 Jul 17
@Marymargll - She gets a little more alert when there are other people around. However, she probably sleeps at least 20 hours a day. When she wakes up, she is always confused about where she is, who people are, etc. It is sad to watch.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
14 Jul 17
@MarymargII - That is true. After a certain point, there is nothing much we can do except be present.
2 people like this
@MarymargII (12422)
• Toronto, Ontario
14 Jul 17
@DeborahDiane And afterwards you will be glad of the time you spent even if she isn't quite aware of it. You will feel better for it.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@snowy22315 - Thank you. I am so glad I went to see her, too. It was a blessing to be there.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@jstory07 - Thank you for your kind words. I really enjoyed the time I got to spend with my mom and the rest of my family.
1 person likes this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
16 Feb 18
@DeborahDiane Thanks, I will look them up. It is a horrible disease.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
16 Feb 18
@ramapo17 - Yes, it is a horrible disease. Watching my mother die of it was terrible.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
16 Feb 18
@ramapo17 - I agree. Because of my experience with my own mother, I am now taking a brain health class, so my children do not have to go through the same thing with me. I have learned a lot already, and the class will go on for another three months. I have been posting short articles on MyLot about what I am learning. If you want to see them, they are in my feed and all of them have a picture of a blue brain at the top.
1 person likes this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
21 Feb 18
@DeborahDiane How far apart do you live from your sister?
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
22 Feb 18
@ramapo17 - We live about 1500 miles apart. She lives in St. Louis and I live in Southern California.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
20 Feb 18
@ramapo17 - Yes, she had nice hair. She wasn't able to take care of it after she got dementia, but my sister did it for her. My sister took very good care of our mom.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
18 Jul 17
@paigea - It was good to see my mom and the rest of my family. My sister and dad have worked hard to give my mom a good quality of life.
2 people like this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
12 Jul 17
@vsai2008 - Thank you for your blessing. My sister has a lot of patience. She needs it, because our mother is not easy.
1 person likes this
@DeborahDiane (40055)
• Laguna Woods, California
13 Jul 17
@vsai2008 - Thank you. You are so right that taking care of parents in their old age has become a rarity. I am so grateful for what my sister is doing for my mother. I know it has not been easy for her.
1 person likes this
@vsai2008 (11796)
• India
13 Jul 17
@DeborahDiane The condition she has makes her not easy but I am sure she must have been a great lady.
Taking care of parents in their old age has become a rarity these days. But I am very happy that your sister is taking care of her.
I hope you get to have many more family gatherings :)
1 person likes this
