Yes, We are All Different
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
United States
September 4, 2017 6:35am CST
Yesterday I sent a message to my daughter-in-law's mother regarding the thought about planning a baby shower for her. She and my son are expecting their first child at the end of December.
I was ready to secure a firehouse community room to hold the event in. Had already started a guest list. We have a large family and many friends and I didn't want to leave anyone off the guest list that would like to attend.
She came back almost immediately with a text saying that she had already planned a shower for her and it was being held in October at a restaurant an hour's drive from where I live. It is to be held at 4 in the afternoon, on a Saturday.
I told her that I would probably need to bring Little Miss with me because I didn't have a sitter for her and my husband does not change diapers so there the problem lies. She said nobody else was bringing their children and that my husband needed to learn to change diapers.
After a few minutes I realized that she didn't want me to bring my granddaughter. I told her that my sister usually watches my granddaughter, but has a second job and wouldn't be able to take her. Also told her that if I couldn't bring her with me that it was unlikely that I could attend the shower she had planned. I still have received no response to my statement.
I sent a message to my son to let him know of the dilemma and that I would be planning a shower for our side of the family and friends to attend. He let me know that most of my siblings are invited to the shower. He said that her family doesn't do the whole firehouse rental thing and that is why she is having it in a restaurant.
I realize that we both come from different backgrounds and that they do things differently. It just smarted when she more or less said that my granddaughter couldn't be there.
My son is going to talk with his wife and mother-in-law so I can bring Little Miss. I hope that he can sell them on the idea or I will not be able to attend.
I do plan on having another shower for the two of them. I'll invited her mother as well. She can bring anyone she wants to be there with her. I am flexible. The firehouse community room is big enough. We always have a good time as well.
For me, it isn't about the show, but the end result.
20 people like this
17 responses
@Juliaacv (48528)
• Canada
4 Sep 17
You may not like my thoughts on this, but I can understand her view regarding no children at the shower. Events like she is hosting take a lot of planning, and often little children get tired, need to be kept busy, and if that doesn't happen they can get distracted and restless. Not all children are like that, but she may have had a different encounter then you are used to. And if that is the way that she really feels, then I wouldn't be too quick to want to bring her along, as it doesn't sound like she's going to be welcomed. Hopefully you can find a happy medium and enjoy the shower along for your future grandchild. I recently attended a shower where there were children, and I saw the looks of disappointment on some of the faces of some of the guests who obviously did not approve-sad, but it happens.
7 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
4 Sep 17
Our society often excludes children at such festivities. Children are as much a part of the family as an elderly person is.
Whenever I hold a party or event such as a shower, children are there as well. I give the littles fun things to do. They even help out with handing the gifts to the person for which the party is for. They love being a part of helping out.
I do not wish to be unable to attend my son and DIL's shower for their first child. I would stay long enough to be there for them and leave early enough to get home at a decent time.
4 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
4 Sep 17
@Juliaacv she is really giving my a run for the money with potty training. Doubtful she will be close enough to being trained by then.
2 people like this
@Juliaacv (48528)
• Canada
4 Sep 17
@ElusiveButterfly No, I get that, our family has all of the generations at events, but not all families are like that. And who knows, maybe she will be toilet-trained by then and your hubby can watch her for the afternoon while you go out.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (157735)
• United States
4 Sep 17
She sounds a little stuffy. Usually the showers I have attended have included small children as a matter of fact because they were family events and children are family.
5 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
4 Sep 17
I have never been to one that didn't include children. I didn't realize how stuffy she really is until yesterday. She didn't even reply to my last statement. My son is a bit upset over it too.
2 people like this
@m_audrey6788 (58482)
• Germany
4 Sep 17
Gosh! I guess, I`m speechless when it`s about organizing a big event with family especially when both have their own ways in doing so..
Wish you can have a separate event as a part 2 
Wish you can have a separate event as a part 2 3 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
4 Sep 17
I will indeed have a separate party for them. They are only having 30 guests at this party and many of them are couples. This is leaving so many people out of the loop. Not fair in my eyes.
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (459735)
• Switzerland
4 Sep 17
I am hundred per cent with @Juliaacv on this. Hosting the event in a restaurant I would also dislike to have kids and if I made an exception all the others would feel offended. She knows very well that the others would say "why she was allowed to bring a kid and we were not?". You should consider all the points of view.
3 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
4 Sep 17
I do consider her point of view as well. She has since decided to only hold the gathering for her side of the family. I am okay with this and told her as such.
2 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
4 Sep 17
@LadyDuck her mother only wanted to invite my son's siblings and his aunt. My siblings were not considered until he spoke up. Even then he has to pay for a part of the cost of the shower.
A shower is given to help them with clothes and other items to get them started. Clothing and other baby things can be costly. Why he has to pay for the shower is beyond me.
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (459735)
• Switzerland
4 Sep 17
@ElusiveButterfly If this is the case, you can host another shower for your side of the family. We do not have this kind of receptions in Europe, but usually when a woman is pregnant, the person who takes care of her is always her mother and she organizes the events.
2 people like this
@DianneN (247219)
• United States
4 Sep 17
I discuss everything beforehand with both sets of mothers when decisions have to be made. Perhaps your son can watch your granddaughter for a couple of hours. Quite often, there are occasions where young children should not be. To me, this is one of them. My grandchildren are not attending my younger son's wedding. They would eventually get tired and bored, and my son and DIL wouldn't be able to enjoy themselves.
2 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
6 Sep 17
@DianneN very hard to host a party and not know if anyone will actually show up. Had to choose a day and time that would be good for my son and his wife.
I am inviting her mother too. She can bring her dog if she wants to. LOL
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
4 Sep 17
His mother-in-law decided to just have the shower for her side of the family and for her daughter's friends. I told her I am okay with that. However, the words she chose to tell me not to bring my granddaughter were rather rude. My son agreed with me on this one too.
I am having a second shower for them. Family and friends, including children will be invited. I find things for the little ones to do. We all have a good time.
2 people like this
@DianneN (247219)
• United States
6 Sep 17
@ElusiveButterfly I didn't realize she was that rude. Good for you to have the kind of shower where everyone will be happy.
1 person likes this
@Happy2BeMe (99390)
• Canada
4 Sep 17
I would have been quite offended by that too. There should be no reason why your grand daughter can other there with you. It would be a shame if you had to miss the shower for such a ridiculous reason. I am glad that you are going to have another shower. I think that is a good idea.
2 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
4 Sep 17
Her mother decided to have the shower she is planning for just her side of the family. I am okay with that. I told her that it isn't easy for me to find a sitter for her. The child needs to feel comfortable being with someone without me for more than a few minutes. I have only 2 people that can do this for me and one has to work, the other would have been going to the shower too.
Oh well, we will have that second shower and all have a good time.
2 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
6 Sep 17
@Happy2BeMe I think that our backwoods type of party would have scared them. LOL. Potlucks aren't for everyone.
1 person likes this
@Happy2BeMe (99390)
• Canada
6 Sep 17
@ElusiveButterfly I think that is a better idea. I think it is kind of odd though to have her shower for only her side of the family but at least it works better for you.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159710)
• Boise, Idaho
4 Sep 17
That is true. Keep your eye on that. Some people aren't real friendly and workable.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
5 Sep 17
My son and DIL didn't know that she had changed her plans for who will be invited until last night. I let my son know that she decided to only invite her side of the family. Said it would be less stressful for my son and his wife. Well, I believe that she was the one that was relieved.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
6 Sep 17
@celticeagle I try to get along with everyone, but when someone is just plain being a pompous a$$, it is difficult.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159710)
• Boise, Idaho
5 Sep 17
@ElusiveButterfly .....Sad that inlaws have to be this way.
1 person likes this
@BelleStarr (61047)
• United States
5 Sep 17
It is not uncommon to have more than one shower for the expectant mother. I don't think I have ever been to a shower in a restaurant where a youg child attended but given the circmstances I think she may have to be a little flexible, In a more casual setting I think kids are ine. I am sure she is wondering how well Little Miss will hold up in a restaurant for several hours. I am rather surprisd she didn't talk to you before beginning her plans but I guess that is the benefit of being the mother of the mother to be. Rather rude to be inviting your family without consulting you however, in my opinion.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
6 Sep 17
Considering the fact that my daughter, Little Miss's mother, was going to be at the shower too, I really didn't understand what the problem was.
We probably wouldn't have stayed for a long time. Just long enough to be sociable and leave.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
8 Sep 17
@BelleStarr I was hoping that my brother and SIL would let me have it at their home. They can accommodate more people at their home than I can in mine. I am inviting about 25 people. If 20 show up that is a good number. We need the space, and the firehouse will be large enough to comfortably entertain a group of that size.
1 person likes this
@BelleStarr (61047)
• United States
6 Sep 17
@ElusiveButterfly I think it probably is a good idea to just have the two separate showers, everyone will be more comfortable. I never do understand having a shower so expensive you have to get people to help pay, we mostly do them at someones home where we can all relax. We can handle 30 or 40 people that way.
1 person likes this
@Srbageldog (7716)
• United States
4 Sep 17
Is it possible that the restaurant she is hosting the shower at is not one that is appropriate for a young child?
I remember going to my aunt's baby shower when I was a kid and being bored out of my mind. Maybe she is thinking that this type of party is not appropriate for kids. Or maybe she is weird and doesn't want somebody else's cute kid taking away the attention from her daughter and the expected baby. I remember at my aunt's baby shower her in-laws snubbed all of us from our side of the family (which really made it boring and awkward to be there.)
You mentioned in your comments that most of the guests are couples...that to me is strange, because when I was growing up, baby showers were only for women and children to attend. Men were not welcome (or didn't want to be there.) I have never heard of a baby shower where children were not welcome but men were.
2 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
4 Sep 17
@Srbageldog I am a social butterfly so I did well even though I felt out of place.
2 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
4 Sep 17
The last shower she hosted was an engagement brunch at her parent's house. I felt a bit out of place. I was the only one from my son's family that was invited. Very ackward.
2 people like this
@Srbageldog (7716)
• United States
4 Sep 17
@ElusiveButterfly That would be awkward. :(
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15023)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
5 Sep 17
I am sorry she did not think to hold the shower at a place where all ages could attend. I think you having another shower where all are welcome is the best @ElusiveButterfly .
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
5 Sep 17
Of course we will invite my DIL's mother as well. Seems only fair that she be invited. Not sure she will attend though.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
6 Sep 17
@bluesa I have hosted several baby and bridal showers and everyone has told me what a good time they have at each event.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15023)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
5 Sep 17
@ElusiveButterfly , that would very much be her loss then, as I am sure you're all going to have a fun time.
1 person likes this
@Marilynda1225 (80050)
• United States
4 Sep 17
Hopefully it will all work out and you will be able to attend the shower along with Little Miss. It would be sad if you missed the shower but if you're having your own at a later date then I'm sure your son and his wife will still get lots of nice gifts.
2 people like this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
4 Sep 17
Even if I do attend the first shower, I am going to hold a second to invite those that didn't get invited to the first one.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
5 Sep 17
My son had a heated discussion with her last night. He wasn't happy that with the fact that she changed all of the plans without even discussing it with them first.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
5 Sep 17
@sol_cee they don't always see eye-to-eye. My DIL knows that her mother is a control freak. She too is not happy with the situation.
1 person likes this
@sol_cee (38222)
• Philippines
5 Sep 17
@ElusiveButterfly I'm guessing it's the first of the many other arguments unless..
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
6 Sep 17
She has already changed plans for "her" shower. She is only inviting her daughter's friends and her side of the family.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
6 Sep 17
@just4him I somehow feel that we are outcasts. Oh well, her loss.
1 person likes this
@just4him (307773)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
6 Sep 17
@ElusiveButterfly Wow! She really doesn't want you there.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40246)
• United States
6 Sep 17
I find 2 things unfortunate - 1) that husband won't change diapers. and 2) that they would exclude you because you would need to bring granddaughter along.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
6 Sep 17
Hubby hasn't changed a diaper in years. Hoping that she will be potty trained soon.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40246)
• United States
7 Sep 17
@ElusiveButterfly Here's to hoping! :-)
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
4 Sep 17
She has decided to only invite people from her side of the family. I will have one for my side of the family and friends too.
@YrNemo (20261)
•
6 Sep 17
Hope you get things sorted out. Some families don't like to have children in certain gatherings, and yours seem to be different, I am glad to find this out. (In my family, the older groups like to have the little kiddies with us, but the younger group said 'NO'.)
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
6 Sep 17
Children bring us such joy. There are times where they shouldn't be at a certain place. However, a gathering such as this is absolutely fine.
1 person likes this
