Mean Older Brother. Scarred for Life?

@TheHorse (67110)
Pleasant Hill, California
October 21, 2017 12:35pm CST
Do you think having a sibling that's mean to you can scar you for life? Yesterday, my 13-year-old kid client and I were shooting hoops when we were "challenged" by two brothers who were maybe 13 and 12. My kid client, who launches long shots all the time and has trouble with teamwork (teamwork is one of by "behavioral goals" for the kid) actually did some passing, not just shooting, and we beat the "challenging" kids pretty badly. But what was striking was how mean the older brother was to the younger brother. He was using a lot of "ghetto" terminology, some of which was unfamiliar to me, but he basically spent the whole game blaming his younger brother for everything, and berating his every move. When some other kids came onto the court, I let them play with my kid client and the older brother, and I took the younger brother to the other end of the court. There, I had us be "teammates," and I set him up for outside shots, occasionally putting in a rebound myself. Then I guarded him (loosely) and told him I was going to "pretend trash talk him" and got him to drive by me to "the hole." I got him laughing with my trash talk and also built up his confidence. I don't know if this kid has a father, but I wanted him to have a good time, as well as reinforce his skills. If his older brother is his "male role model," this poor kid could be scarred for life.
26 people like this
22 responses
@LadyDuck (162943)
• Switzerland
22 Oct
You can also have a mean younger brother, if you are a small framed girl and your brother is younger but bigger, you can expect to scarred by him. My younger brother was sometimes pretty rude.
6 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
22 Oct
Do you know what the demons were that made him be rude? Mean-spiritness usually comes from hurt.
5 people like this
@LadyDuck (162943)
• Switzerland
22 Oct
@TheHorse I do not know why he was rude time by time. May be he only wanted to show he was a macho and he was the Boss.
3 people like this
@Platespinner (16773)
• Winston Salem, North Carolina
21 Oct
I have Five older brothers, four of whom engaged in one form of abusive behaviour or another (though for a long time I thought that was normal). I have scars, I have issues, but overall I think I've done reasonably well with my life. I think it's also noteworthy that I live a more than 10 hour drive away from any of my family....
4 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
22 Oct
Hmm. I wish I had some family that close.
3 people like this
• Winston Salem, North Carolina
28 Oct
@TheHorse I wish @Morleyhunt were closer, but she seems determined to do her own running away in the very near future....
1 person likes this
@Morleyhunt (19806)
• Canada
28 Oct
@Platespinner it's not you I'm running from....but us, you could say I'm running away....today did nothing to make me rethink the decision. We will still be in close contact.
1 person likes this
@Corbin5 (109318)
• United States
21 Oct
I think siblings can be a factor regarding the future life of a brother or sister. Sometimes the belittling foisted upon a sibling can make the belittled one rise above it by doing an "I'll show you!," and the belittled one will achieve success above and beyond the sibling who tried to bring him down. However, a belittled sibling may end up with very little confidence and fail to thrive in many areas of life.
4 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
23 Oct
I wonder what determines which occurs? This young fella seemed to ignore his brother's angry and degrading rants. But I couldn't tell what was happening inside him.
1 person likes this
@Corbin5 (109318)
• United States
23 Oct
@TheHorse I wonder too. I will have to research that, and see if I can find an answer. My brother did an "I'll show you due to the belittling treatment he endured from our dad." My dad, the poster child for narcissist, actually became jealous of my brother's success. My brother showed him.
@maezee (32554)
• United States
21 Oct
Nice that you can serve as abetter role model. I cant imagine growing up with a sibling whi acted like that to me!
4 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
21 Oct
It may partially be a reflection of the "culture" in which some poor kids grow up.
1 person likes this
@TheSojourner (17450)
• United States
22 Oct
Each time I read one of these stories of yours and how you help these kids, it touches my heart and brings tears to my eyes. I could have used a role model or two like you.
3 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
22 Oct
Aw, thanks. I just wish I knew that there might be a lasting impact.
2 people like this
@kobesbuddy (49300)
• East Tawas, Michigan
22 Oct
@TheHorse One spark in this boy's life, can start a raging fire:) For the better, of course, that's what I meant, anyway.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Oct
@TheHorse I have said the same thing. Unfortunately, I recognize that's my ego talking. It's about me wanting to make the impact. And not having a chance to see it. But does it lessen the impact we have on somebody, if that impact comes to them in their own moment long after we're gone?
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (125670)
• Bunbury, Australia
22 Oct
Some siblings can be really cruel. It's great that you at least tried to counteract some of the negative.
3 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
22 Oct
Who knows whether our fun little interaction will have a positive impact. Maybe it will raise his expectations for how "older people" should treat children.
3 people like this
@kobesbuddy (49300)
• East Tawas, Michigan
22 Oct
@TheHorse You did the right thing, to separate the two brothers. The younger boy can relax and have some fun, instead of remaining beneath his older brother's criticism and overpowering need to control.
1 person likes this
@allen0187 (33449)
• Philippines
22 Oct
That was a good gesture on your part. I guess on one hand it could be detrimental to have an overbearing elder brother but on the other, it could build up the younger brother's grit and mental toughness.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
22 Oct
I'll probably never know what happens in this case.
2 people like this
@allen0187 (33449)
• Philippines
23 Oct
@TheHorse who knows, maybe you get to see them again in the court.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
23 Oct
@allen0187 Eeps. I hope not.
1 person likes this
@pradab (465)
• India
21 Oct
Nice caring behavior from you... keep it up
2 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
21 Oct
I will do my best. I'd rather see today's kids grow up to be doctors or accountants than criminals.
2 people like this
@pradab (465)
• India
22 Oct
@TheHorse not just doctors or accountants,but the aim should be good human beings
2 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
22 Oct
@pradab I agree. But I want to see them become "successful" in life as well.
2 people like this
@alberello75 (17922)
• Genova, Italy
21 Oct
And, if I told you I'm risk to be scarred for life from my younger brother, would you believe this? We can talk about it if you want...
2 people like this
@alberello75 (17922)
• Genova, Italy
21 Oct
@TheHorse I say that I am submissive to his arrogance. It may seem shameful, just for the fact that, he is 11 years younger than me!
2 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
21 Oct
@alberello75 What were things like when you were growing up? Were you expected to "care for him"? Did he develop "entitlement issues"?
2 people like this
@alberello75 (17922)
• Genova, Italy
21 Oct
@TheHorse These are difficult terms for me to understand. However I say only that, he is doing bullying in my regards! This is pathetic, I am a person, weak in character, unfortunately!
1 person likes this
@JustBhem (39205)
• Davao, Philippines
21 Oct
I think it will an impression to him because of the words were given to him and eventually, it will develop into self-pity or inferiority complex.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
21 Oct
Yes, I wonder what effect his brother is having on him.
2 people like this
@JustBhem (39205)
• Davao, Philippines
22 Oct
@TheHorse What ages are these boys?
2 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
22 Oct
@JustBhem I think they were about 13 and 11.
2 people like this
@spiderdust (6462)
• San Jose, California
21 Oct
Yes, having a mean older brother can definitely scar one for life. I wonder who the older brother's role model is, because he definitely learned that behavior from somewhere.
2 people like this
• San Jose, California
21 Oct
(On a side note, did the Dublin fire affect you? I've been away for a bit and am catching up.)
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
21 Oct
Exactly. Is it a dad? Other kids "on the block"? His culture in general? I don't know.
2 people like this
• San Jose, California
22 Oct
@TheHorse I kinda feel bad for both kids (although it's easier to feel worse for the younger boy).
1 person likes this
@MALUSE (41182)
• Germany
22 Oct
No discussion for me. I'm an only child.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
22 Oct
I got to be an ony child my Senior year in high school because my younger brother went up to Michigan to go to school that year. The step-sibs were all out of the house.
1 person likes this
• Eugene, Oregon
22 Oct
That brother could mean a sad life for the younger boy.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
22 Oct
I hope he has the resilience to overcome it.
2 people like this
• Boston, Massachusetts
21 Oct
poor kid. I'm glad you were there to give they boy some support and encouragement
2 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
22 Oct
I hope he remembers our time together.
1 person likes this
@lokisdad (4267)
• United States
21 Oct
I guess it depends on the people. My wife for example is one of those people who hates hearing no, you can't do that being told to her. She wanted to get in shape and lose weight so I told her she wasn't going to do it that she would fail. I bet her she wouldn't last 30 days she got so mad and set out to prove me wrong just because. Also something have different meaning for different people. My kids have their own mean nicknames for one another as pet names that only they call one another . To outsiders it seems awful but its the way they lovingly tease one another.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
23 Oct
We had those kind of names when I was a kid too.
@ManieP (87)
21 Oct
Wow that's was so nice of you,siblings can really affect each others life.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
21 Oct
The younger brother was actually pretty good at hoops. I hope he realizes that. But I also hope he finds role models that are non-abusive.
1 person likes this
@RasmaSandra (18444)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
21 Oct
Never had siblings. I suppose there could be problems. I will tell you though that when I was a teen I wished I had older siblings just so they could engage my mom and I could be freer.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
21 Oct
Intereting. I'm glad I "got" some older step-siblings in my later childhood. They turned me on to cool music and were role models to me.
3 people like this
@kobesbuddy (49300)
• East Tawas, Michigan
21 Oct
I have an older sister, who did that to me. At seven years old, I thought I was a piece of trash, my parent found in a garbage bin. She use to kick, slap my face, scratch, throw me down, and verbally degraded me, daily. Then, she whines now, that I was nothing but a 'cry baby, who whined!' Yes, I did cry, because it hurt! It's pretty hard to gain self-esteem, at 66 years old! God help that poor young man, who desperately needs to get out from under that child abuse!
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
21 Oct
Do you know what demons caused your sister to be so mean to you?
1 person likes this
@kobesbuddy (49300)
• East Tawas, Michigan
21 Oct
@TheHorse She was extremely jealous of her two younger sisters. Sona's attacks first started on our sister, who's four years older than me. Lyna grew bigger and stronger, than her big sister. When she fought back, the physical violence ended. So, our older sister turned all that penned up anger, onto me. Why? I really don't understand.
1 person likes this
@kobesbuddy (49300)
• East Tawas, Michigan
21 Oct
@TheHorse Yes, it's called hate.
1 person likes this
• Preston, England
22 Oct
my sister was always mean to me - totally disowning me about six years ago
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
22 Oct
So it continued into adulthood? Do you know why she was that way?
1 person likes this
• Preston, England
22 Oct
@TheHorse she was very good at manipulating my mum to get her own way - she couldn't control me so easily so she often turned ugly with me, getting her three sons to be mean to me too - my mum just told me I was rocking the boat when I drew attention to it a she was afraid my sister might stop her seeing her grandsons - I'm glad to be out of her reach now
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
23 Oct
@arthurchappell Sounds like she had some issues. Wonder what made her that way.
1 person likes this
@just4him (120063)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
22 Oct
That's so sad when a sibling does that. He could very well be scarred for life. I'm glad you built up some confidence in him.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (67110)
• Pleasant Hill, California
23 Oct
I hope it sticks.
1 person likes this
@just4him (120063)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
23 Oct
@TheHorse I hope it does too.