Rant - Only Three Minutes

Photo taken by me – clock
Preston, England
March 23, 2018 3:31pm CST
Rant Only Three Minutes An event at the convention I am attending next weekend is called the Rapidfire Infohots event. This involves making a non-too serious three minute rant on any topic of the ranters choosing, before an audience who are invited to heckle if they so desire. This is a rant I am considering entering with. Enjoy. Three minutes to rant about my pet hates – just the list of them would take me about three hours. Nothing good only take three minutes. You can boil an egg in three minutes but hard boiling one takes about five. They say if they start World War Three we get a three minute warning, but how are you supposed to get out and loot all the cameras out of Jessops in that time? It’s not fair. When someone tells me they are going to be late but expect to be with me in two or three minutes I know it’ll be about 20 minutes at least. Most pop songs used to last less than three minutes. You’d barely sit down after putting one on the turntable when you’d have to get up and change it again. Once songs like Bohemian Rhapsody came out at seven minutes plus there was time to chill out and appreciate it. Longer is better. Look at the con for further evidence. I was on a panel earlier, and that ran for an hour, from which I got to talk for about fifteen or twenty minutes. Lots of time for you to realize how lovable and must buy that guy a pint’able I am. How humble and ego free he is. Here, three minutes, blink and you’ll miss me – how can anyone reduce me to just three minutes? It’s inhumane, a breach of the Geneva Convention. No exaggeration. Three minutes doesn’t allow for thinking time. There’s an insurance ad on TV where they show you can take a policy out in the time the ad break lasts and still be back in front of the telly for part two of Corrie. Yeah, if you don’t actually take time to think about what you are doing or read the small print. I’d sooner take my time and enjoy life. Life should be slowed down, not speeded up or condensed into three minute chunks. It’s like swallowing food pills marked all you can eat buffet. I want time to enjoy my food. I hate thee breakfast bars and breakfast drinks you can eat or swallow on your way to the bus stop, multitasking reduced to riding and choking to death as you go, because you are denying yourself the extra time at the breakfast table. If you are choking by the way I hope someone does do the Heimlich Manoeuvre within three minutes, or you might get sent to Heaven, being told Judgement will be with you in 2 or 3 minutes which means waiting for an eternity, just like waiting for a bus in Preston. When you complain the bus was late the driver says it was only by three minutes, but if I was three minute late would the bus have waited for me? No chance. Only three minutes, 180 seconds, it’s never enough. The time needs expanding. Twitter used to be just 140 characters – now it’s 280. Minutes will be forced to expand too, you mark my words. It won’t happen in the next few minutes mind you, nothing good will happen in three minutes, except for this splendid manifesto of course. By stopping this after three minutes you are missing out on so much more. Think what the next three minutes might have taught you, and the three after that. Being silenced after just three minutes of eulogizing the greatest truths of our age is like having five pints left to drink at last orders. You might get some of them down your neck in time but they won’t be too enjoyable, and a lot of great beer will spill. My ideas have feelings too. An Arthur isn’t just for Christmas or for three minutes. Three minutes is cruel. Would you point a gun at a caterpillar and give it just three minutes to turn into a butterfly? No, of course not, but you set a clock on my chance to flourish and share my wisdom. Join in the chant now. Three minutes bad. Four Minutes better. Three minutes bad. Five minutes better. Arthur Chappell
11 people like this
10 responses
@JudyEv (141827)
• Bunbury, Australia
23 Mar
A three minute rant seemed to take longer to read but it's very enjoyable.
3 people like this
• Preston, England
23 Mar
@JudyEv thanks I tend to read out loud very fast
3 people like this
@JudyEv (141827)
• Bunbury, Australia
24 Mar
@arthurchappell I hope you get through it before they boo you off the stage - not that there is anything wrong with it but from your introduction it seems it could be on the cards. Should be a bit of fun.
1 person likes this
• Preston, England
24 Mar
@JudyEv yes, I am looking forward to it - thanks
1 person likes this
@Corbin5 (122985)
• United States
23 Mar
These are really good! This particular rant-event is going to be so much fun!!
3 people like this
• Preston, England
23 Mar
@Corbin5 thanks, I certainly hope so
3 people like this
@Corbin5 (122985)
• United States
23 Mar
@arthurchappell They really are. I read them all!!
2 people like this
@amadeo (78596)
• United States
23 Mar
Never heard of this.I am not sure if I can rant one minutes let along three or five/
2 people like this
• Preston, England
23 Mar
@amadeo I expect I could go on much longer than I'll get to do lol
1 person likes this
@amadeo (78596)
• United States
23 Mar
@arthurchappell You must be very good at this.
2 people like this
• Preston, England
23 Mar
@amadeo I know the convention scene well though this is a whole new kind of game to play
1 person likes this
@snowy22315 (56158)
• United States
23 Mar
Yes, a four minute rant ranting about 3 minute rants is good.
2 people like this
• Preston, England
23 Mar
@amadeo I fully expect to run out of time
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (188725)
• Switzerland
24 Mar
Three minutes are really a very short time. I think I can find something to rand about for only three minutes, but at least five it would be better.
1 person likes this
• Preston, England
24 Mar
@LadyDuck yes, I expect it is easier for most of us than talking at length on pleasing things
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (188725)
• Switzerland
24 Mar
@arthurchappell It's hard to say something knowing you have a very limited time.
1 person likes this
• Preston, England
24 Mar
@LadyDuck That is what makes the challenge so worthwhile for me
1 person likes this
@marguicha (106260)
• Chile
5 Dec
Three minutes is too little, even for a rant.
1 person likes this
• Preston, England
5 Dec
@marguicha too right lol
1 person likes this
@marguicha (106260)
• Chile
5 Dec
1 person likes this
@CarolDM (8973)
• United States
5 Dec
Three minutes is long enough to say just about anything.
1 person likes this
• Preston, England
5 Dec
yes it can be done @CarolDM
1 person likes this
@Ithink (10492)
• United States
24 Mar
Never really thought of things in this way. Very interesting but yes I agree, 3 minutes for anything is not long enough for anything. Some things just take and need more time so you can savor it.
1 person likes this
• Bournemouth, England
30 Mar
I would love to do this. You are right about the songs - when 'I''m Not In Love' came out, DJs preferred to play the 6-minute album rather than the 2 minutes 30 radio edit.
@jstory07 (72438)
• Roseburg, Oregon
24 Mar
You did a good job with your three minute rant.