I'm not going to the birthday party, and why this is bothering me
By Faye
@FayeHazel (40248)
United States
May 18, 2018 12:02pm CST
Welcome to edition # million of my saga about my friend's brother.
One of my closest friends has been out of town for awhile, so I am simply anxious to see her. And that opportunity comes today, for it is her brother's birthday which I have been invited out to. However, I won't be going.
Why? Well, if you're new to this pathetic little saga - long story short - he's single - and I really liked him, for years actually.
Well, right around the holiday time he started flirting with me.... we were about to go on our first date.... and then.... he coldly rejects me. He's in love some married chick who lives so many states away, feels "bad" for her with her "controlling and abusive" husband, but in reality - any dude like her husband who lets her come out here to visit him, lets them spend alone time palling around with each other - isn't controlling. (I cant say if he's abusive or not)
Well, alright. This is hardly the first time I've been royally disappointed by a man and I'm very sure it won't be the last time, but for some reason I'm having a really tough time letting this go and I think I've figured out why, at least in part.
1) For years I've had thoughts of him. It hasn't been anything serious but just that extra bit of excitement on seeing him around, a little flirtation, it's been fun.
2) I haven't really been attracted to anyone in years.
3) He knows how difficult my life is. You see there is a situation in my life that is really unusually hard. I choose not to write about it at the time being - and very few people know. But he knows. It's more and different than "tootsie" - his little sweetheart that he feels so bad for.... is going through. And since his mistake of leading me on - he has distanced himself completely.
I think it's those things.
So I find myself frustrated at him today - I want to see my friend, and it's his birthday that is messing that up. I suppose I could go - but I have no desire to wish him a happy birthday, or see him ... but in reality.... I do want to go and see both her ... and him. And I don't like that I feel that way. But I do.
Anyone ever drive you to the brink of insanity with this? Romance impedes one's ability to think clearly.
Photo: Pixabay
16 people like this
16 responses
@cintol (11261)
• United States
18 May 18
I understand where your coming from, I don't blame you for not wanting to see him so I would just ask your friend if you could meet up with her after the party some where so you could catch up. I would think she would be able to do that for you, especially if she knows the situation. The husband of the other is not controlling if he lets her go to visit another man or anyone for that matter. Thats an excuse. I dated my best friends brother once upon a time, needless to say, it didn't work, she took his side and we are no longer best friends.
3 people like this
@cintol (11261)
• United States
20 May 18
@FayeHazel Its ok, it showed me that she wasn't a true friend to begin with when she took his side and didn't want to hear mine at all. He was a little odd to say the least.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
Oh ow. I'm sorry that incident of dating your friend's brother ended a friendship. That's sad. In this case my friend doesn't know the drama. Just that I used to like him.
SO true. I can't stand when people claim domestic abuse when it clearly isn't the case.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
21 May 18
@cintol Ah, that is a wise way to look at it. She should have at least heard you out, or tried to remain neutral.
Maybe she was odd too
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (157553)
• United States
19 May 18
Here goes "Ms. Amateur Psych" with a word or two. That is me, if you did not know it.
Everyone is right, at this time you should not go to this party. You should count your blessings to know that he favors cheating and you did not get any further.
It hurts to be disappointed by him turning out to be a jerk. Now for the psychology part: It is not really "him" that you think about, but the "him" you thought he was. 
Obviously he is someone different or he would not have treated you this way. If it was just "flirtation" it would not have hurt so much.
2. Thoughts of him and your loyalty to him prevent you from being interested in anyone else. You are not disloyal, even if he is. 3. If he knows how difficult your life is, he is very uncaring to make things bad for you and hurt you. He is selfish.
Everyone is right, at this time you should not go to this party. You should count your blessings to know that he favors cheating and you did not get any further. It hurts to be disappointed by him turning out to be a jerk. Now for the psychology part: It is not really "him" that you think about, but the "him" you thought he was. Obviously he is someone different or he would not have treated you this way. If it was just "flirtation" it would not have hurt so much. 2. Thoughts of him and your loyalty to him prevent you from being interested in anyone else. You are not disloyal, even if he is. 3. If he knows how difficult your life is, he is very uncaring to make things bad for you and hurt you. He is selfish.3 people like this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
Wow, that was really insightful. You're good at this. Thank you for the well thought out reply.
You're right. It could have been so very much worse. I could have been in a relationship with him, and , knowing he doesn't mind cheating... could have cheated on me.
Also true. Obviously he isn't the person I thought he was. How easily I assumed all those positive things about him were really so. It was really just my imagination of him. I suppose I can't even be mad at him for that.
That may also be so. Something.... idk what for sure.... but something is holding me back with finding romance. He may well play into that.
True. If he were as sweet and caring as he purports to be and if he were "my friend" as he claimed to be - then he would be there moreso.
The reality check helped. Thank you so much
@DianneN (246905)
• United States
20 May 18
@FayeHazel Too bad you didn't wait to see your friend another time. He shouldn't have been there to torment you in his own fake way.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
So true. -- So I made plans to see my friend later that evening. She doesn't know the drama - only that I liked him at 1 point. He came with.
I was nice as it was his birthday . He was same as always. Flirtatious. Made it really difficult for me to not like him again... I'm having trouble being rational on this.
I was nice as it was his birthday . He was same as always. Flirtatious. Made it really difficult for me to not like him again... I'm having trouble being rational on this.1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
21 May 18
@DianneN True, probably should have just waited for a different time to catch up with friend... didn't think he'd come with though. Those 2 usually don't hang out a lot.
I wonder if I provide him some odd entertainment or self confidence boost or something.
But still - I am struggling since seeing him now . Why must I seem to like what is not good? *sigh*
1 person likes this
@andriaperry (116860)
• Anniston, Alabama
18 May 18
I have no advice and that is just a shity situation. How about meeting her somewhere for lunch, F him he is a D*ckhead, if he is running after a married woman he is not a good man.
3 people like this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
Ah you are right. How quickly I overlook the fact that - he is willing to be involved with a married woman. How could I expect anything moral from him even if I did get with him?
Thanks for the reality check
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
Thanks! I was able to see my friend after the party. Though he came with. My friend doesn't know the drama. It was alright though. :)
1 person likes this
@mlgen1037 (29886)
• Manila, Philippines
18 May 18
I am sorry, Faye. You dont deserve that at all. But I know it is hard like you are torn between the brother and your friend. Well, I think it was when I really like this guy from our neighbor but then I learne he had a gf. Grrr...
2 people like this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
Aw thank you dear. For some reason I'm having difficulty being rational with this.
Ah how irritating to discover someone you likes has a girlfriend, too!
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
21 May 18
@mlgen1037 Thanks for your kindness and listening ear. :-)
Oh wow, that guy, he must have been quite delicious :-)
1 person likes this
@mlgen1037 (29886)
• Manila, Philippines
21 May 18
@FayeHazel I understand, Faye. It is even harder to pretend that nothing happened.
The guy is married now but I will never forget that time when I he looked at me. I was literally melting. 
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
19 May 18
Personally if it were me, I would put the past behind me, and go and have Fun. See your friend hang out, or you will end up regretting it and wondering what if.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
Ah thanks for the different perspective, turns out I avoided the party, but did see friend afterwards
@snowy22315 (170011)
• United States
20 May 18
I hate those kinds of situations. Some people and I don't want to just say men..don't have a clue and all you can really do is distance yourself,,,maybe they care and maybe they don't but we don't need to put ourselves in a situation where we are uncomfortable.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
21 May 18
Beautifully put, and you're right.... I'm sure there are women out there too .... I've been driving myself insane trying to figure him out - but in the end you're right. Fact is it makes me uncomfortable so... no need to go. May as well avoid.
@epiffanie (11326)
• Australia
20 May 18
I have never been in that situation, But if it was me, I won't go because I wouldn't want to be in the presence of anyone who made me feel rejected.... But you know what's best for you.. all the best..
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
I'm happy you haven't had to experience this. It's really awkward and weird. I know I'm not even being rational about it....
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (118454)
• Gainesville, Florida
19 May 18
Our brains are wonderful organs. They absorb infinite amounts of knowledge, and we never stop learning, growing and dreaming, from birth all the way up to the moment we develop a crush on someone.
You aren't the first person in the history of the human race to have feelings like this, and you won't be the last. But I do feel for you, and I'm bummed to see you agonizing like this.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
Lol. Yes! You have it right. Those devious hormones make rational thought difficult if not impossible.
You are right. This is all too human. For some reason this particular circumstance is messing me up. I don't know why. Hardly the first time I've been disappointed. And this could have been worse. So much worse....
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
Ah, because it is his birthday party - for him. You're right. It's probably only a big deal to me. Thanks for th input
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
Thanks for the idea. That's what I did -- (she doesn't know the drama) -- we got together later. With him.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
23 May 18
@YrNemo Ha ha, I know right? My friend doesn't know the drama ... only that I used to like him. He was actually very pleasant , same as always, flirtatious, huggy, touchy... I ignored it, though was polite to him. It was his birthday after all. Though it's made it difficult for me now to not think of him fondly. :/ Thanks for asking thoguh
@YrNemo (20261)
•
23 May 18
@FayeHazel Ouch! What happened (when you added in, "With him!")
1 person likes this
@Daelii (5619)
• United States
18 May 18
That's awful! Its sad how often people play damsel in distress when its not the case.
I wouldn't want to be around him either or risk ruining his special day. If you feel awkward he might too!
Can you grab a drink with your friend before or after her brothers party? Or another day?
2 people like this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
I know, can't stand those cry-wolf people myself. 
Personal pet peeve.
I'm happy I didn't go.
Saw friend later that evening. He came with too. *sigh* I was nice and it was alright.
Personal pet peeve.
I'm happy I didn't go.
Saw friend later that evening. He came with too. *sigh* I was nice and it was alright.1 person likes this
@Daelii (5619)
• United States
21 May 18
@FayeHazel Awesome! I'm glad you still got to see your friend! hopefully you two can catch up more often in the future!
1 person likes this
@porwest (78761)
• United States
19 May 18
There was a girl from high school I pursued relentlessly and never landed her. We were good friends and nothing more. Even seeing her on FB sometimes makes me wonder about her. But that being said I am very much in love with the woman who was actually infatuated with me—and I her...so in the end it all worked out. But I do sort of understand your frustration.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
24 May 18
@porwest Thanks for the reality check. As much as I tell myself "I'm happy being single" the longer I'm single, the more I miss being special to someone.
Though it's also interesting - the few times I've been a part of a couple in my life - it's like I instantly get a lot more attention from men. Which is weird, because when I'm with someone, I'm not interested in other people. It would be nice if I could gain some of that interest while I'm single. Like now.
That also is interesting, I've heard other couples say that when they gave up - then they found their significant other. Hm.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
That is cool you were able to remain friends with the girl inspite of your feelings for her. I can't blame you for wondering - I think that is just human. I am happy you found your wife though, it sounds from your posts like you have an awesome relationship and that is a very rare thing - I think. :-)
Ah yes. Even to me when I write it out it seems silly. He simply didn't turn out to be who I thought he was. I obviously don't mean much to him .... you'd think I could just move on.
But no. Apparently I'm struggling being rational about this.
1 person likes this
@porwest (78761)
• United States
24 May 18
@FayeHazel It may just be the result of still having that part of your life missing in the present. My wife and I found each other at a time when I had pretty much resigned myself to the reality that I would never find anyone who mattered, and then we found each other. It seemed like once I stopped looking, I found it.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40248)
• United States
20 May 18
Ah. So, I didn't go to the party. But made plans just with friend later. But he came along. 
It was alright. Friend doesn't know the drama between us. And he was flirtatious as usual.... I was polite.... I don't get it. He was the one who didn't want any flirtation
It was alright. Friend doesn't know the drama between us. And he was flirtatious as usual.... I was polite.... I don't get it. He was the one who didn't want any flirtation
@Gita17112016 (3611)
• Trinidad And Tobago
22 May 18
I feel like i have read this before. I have scrolled down but didn't see a comment by me.
I am happy I don't have this kind of romantic feelings. Seems a bit crippling. I hope you sort things out.
