Jokes
By manish52903
@manish52903 (66)
India
December 12, 2006 11:23pm CST
One beautiful morning a athiest was walking through the forest, admiring natures surroundings. .. He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled... He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside... He thought to himself that mother nature had made a true and wonderful world... The athiest had walked a little further down the track he had taken when suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of him and started growling, looking hungry and ran quickly towards him... Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and started running as fast as he could away from the bear... Knowing that the bear would catch up to him and he had no chance, the athiest soon ran out of breath and in a few paces fell to the ground... As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws come down upon his chest, the athiest screamed "oh help me god" Suddenly
the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying... The river he loved suddenly stopped flowing.. And the sky opened up and a voice begun to speak.. "I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, i am here for every being on this earth" The athiest felt relieved a little bit and asked god... "Im sort of in this situation, im only asking if you can help me get out of it" God thought for a moment and said... "I will give you one wish to help you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish" The athiest thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to god.. " Well i dont really want to become a christian, so i wish the bear to become a christian" God spoke... "So be it done" Suddenly the sky closed up... The river turned back into its flowing glory... The trees began to sway again... And the bear clapped his paws together and said... "Thankyou god for this meal im about to receive"Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the
Mercedes and the driver is SO rude." She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!" The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his butt over by the holy water," said the boy.
One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side. "Hello? Hello?" Jesus replied, "Who is it?" "Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied. Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?" The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"
Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray. “Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.” Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Bholaji goes back to the temple. "Bhagwan please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.” Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck. Back to the temple he goes. "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts
open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God: "Bholaji, buy a damn lottery ticket first."
have fun
2 people like this
18 responses
@michaelvanx (568)
• Malaysia
13 Dec 06
The Tourists...
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
"Big Man In a Small Town"
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
Cubicle Wisdom
1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
8. Never quit until you have another job.
9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.
12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
14 Dec 06
These jokes were cute and funny I enjoyed them alot thanks for posting them. I am sure everyone will enjoy them also.
@satlove (1110)
• India
14 Dec 06
Vajpayee, Musharraf, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him"
Madhuri is thinking: "Musharraf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."
Musharraf is thinking: "Damn! it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought it was me and slapped! me."
Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again."
@pinaki1971 (352)
• India
14 Dec 06
Can I go to the theatre?Asks a mosquito to her mother.
Mother: "Yes,but be aware,pay attention during the applause."
@Talianna (85)
• United States
14 Dec 06
I got one. But just about everyone has heard it.
Boy walks into class and the teacher says, "You are late. Why are you late?" the boy replys, "I was on top of bluebarry hill." the teacher nods and send the boy to his seat. She starts to teach again. A few mintues later another boy walks into class and the teacher says, "You are late. Why are you late?" they boy replys, "I was on top of bluebarry hill." the teacher nods again and sends the boy on his seat and starts to teach again. Another few mintues goes by and a girl walks in. The teacher says, "Who are you?" the girl replys and says, "My name is bluebarry hill and I'm new here."
@the_vicar (1477)
• United States
14 Dec 06
These jokes are very funny. I wish I knew even 1 funny joke but I can never remember them. Does anyone else have that problem?
@ravibabli (1557)
• India
14 Dec 06
Subject: i liked it too......
While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Kalam.
He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington,decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.
"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!"
@Silverchic (396)
• Australia
14 Dec 06
A 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up next to him and the window was wound down...
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car." Said the driver.
"No way! Get stuffed!" Said the boy.
"What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50?" Asked the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No! I'm not getting in the bl**dy car!" Yelled the boy.
"Ok, ok...I'll give you $100 and a big bag of lollies!" Pleaded the driver.
The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Hyundai now you have to live with it!"
@Janya2k (47)
• United States
14 Dec 06
A man was bathing in the Wood and team of Monkey were jumpin' around and talkin about their stuff and all that, one monkey was watching this human being bath and finds something weird he calls his friends and says "this Creature is so Weird, we've got our tails at back of our body and this creature has Got it in front of his body"....heehee
@vipul20044 (5794)
• India
13 Dec 06
Haha really nice one
let me share another with you
About Me
Member since: August 11, 2006
Total points: 1,247 (Level 3)
Points earned this week:
Total answers:
Best answers:
Best Answer - Chosen By Voters
i got a good one! the first is the best! it's kinda long but soo worth it!
Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Priest vs. Homosexual
What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?
The way they say ahhhh-men.
New Priest In Town
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
@blanksolid (1631)
• Spain
13 Dec 06
A rabbit came to a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "Noub!" The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller retorted, "No!" Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "NO! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!!!!!"
Early the next morning rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "Noub!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"
Have a great day on mylot!
