How Does One Best Deal With Depression Brought On By The Death Of A Loved One?

Canada
January 6, 2007 4:05pm CST
Someone very dear to me recently lost someone very dear to him. I did not personally know the friend whom he lost, but I knew so much of her that she fast became important to me too. Not only did he lose her, but he was the one to discover that she had passed away. This man is very special to me, and as is common in my life, when someone special hurts I hurt, when they are happy I'm happy. I can't do a thing about this, it's just a way in which we stay connected. Example: Two or three mornings ago I woke up with a craving for crab meat. I have no idea why. I enjoy crab, but I didn't know why I'd have such a craving. Out of nowhere I called my friend (he currently lives 2500 miles away from me) and asked him what he was up to. "I'm just eating some crabmeat I bought at the groccery store." That kind of thing is NOT unusual for me. I want him to be OK, but at the same time, this is killing me too!!! What he feels, I feel. What do you suggest? I know I can't push him, and I don't want to do that, I just want him to be OK, and I want to be OK. I know it's a gift that I can feel what he feels, but it's killing me!!
5 people like this
30 responses
@lilaclady (28270)
• Australia
6 Jan 07
It seems to me that you feel a lot more than is normal for this person and that is nice maybe as time goes by you may be just what each other needs, you will both cope we all have to when things like this happen,just let things happen but don't force things, good luck to you and your friend.
@lilaclady (28270)
• Australia
7 Jan 07
I think I know, I think I have been there too.... I wish you all the luck in the world.
• Canada
7 Jan 07
Thank you. Let's just say he's someone I couldn't live without, and I can't remember how I lived without him before I met him. ;-) Thank you so much,
@Marie2473 (8523)
• Sweden
7 Jan 07
The best thing that u can do is to just show him that u are there if he needs you and that u will always help him, I know that when i lost someone i love, most of the times i just wante to be oin my own, butit was nice to know that i could call someone if i needed. Ask him what he wants, what he needs and just be there for him. To hurt when a loved one is hurting is just natural and i think only a very cold person would not care - as far as the crab thing - it sounds like you might be twin-spirits =)
1 person likes this
• Canada
7 Jan 07
Thanks Marie. Wonderful idea. It's true we are all different. Yes, we are joined at the spirit somehow. That's not the first time that's happened, it's just the most recent example. Thanks again.
@sbeauty (5871)
• United States
6 Jan 07
Apparently if you have this "gift" to feel what he's feeling, you have it for a reason. He's going to feel grief for quite awhile. There are several different steps to the grieving process, and some people go thru them quickly and others don't. Just be there for him. There's nothing else you can do.
1 person likes this
• Canada
7 Jan 07
Thank you very much. I just wish we dind't live so far away from eachother. I hate being stuck up here when he's down there. I'm in the process of saving up for a trip down there.
@lalav1 (1056)
• United States
6 Jan 07
It sound like you two are twins. Am I right? Think back and try to remember how he helped you, probably just by listening. Do you email beautiful cards and email letters and let him write email or regular letters where you and he can express your feelings and get them out. You can even write letters to yourself to get your feelings out. Sometimes people don't like to talk on the phone or can't afford the long distance or don't want to talk much at all. Is there anyway one of you can take vacation time from work and go visit the other one? Maybe between the two of you, it would be afforbable. That would be great. I lost my sister about a year and half ago and time does heal. My dad came out for while from across the country and it really meant a lot to me. During holidays you have to make plans and do something different for the holiday. Can you maybe plan a trip to meet each other halfway between where you live and halfway where he lives. He needs to have something to look forward to. Does he talk and share with other friend's of the friend he lost? Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on. Are there any other relatives who can go visit him? It's an especially difficult time when something like this happens around the holidays. I hope this helps. You might suggest counseling if he's having a really hard time of it for a long time.
1 person likes this
• Canada
7 Jan 07
Very good suggestion!!! No, we're not twins, but we're as close as we can be without actually being related (yet!!!). *grin* Some very good idea. No, he doesn't have a lot of family in the area, and he trusts very few people. We have a couple of mutual friends, but one is in Florida and the other is in Moscow. Thank GOD for the internet. We both spend a lot of time e-mailing eachother. As for the phones, I have a really good long distance plan, so that saves us money. I told him if he wants to talk, call me and I'll call him right back. Thanks again for your suggestion.
@kgwat70 (13398)
• United States
6 Jan 07
It is a very tough thing to determine as I have a very good friend who lost her husband this past summer and she is still suffering and is having a difficult time. It is even harder for her now since it is the holiday season, which was the last time she saw her husband alive. She spends a lot of time with her family and other friends to help her get over her loss. We talk to each other as well and used to spend time together and talk about her husband her memories of him. Your friend needs the support of his family and friends to help him, possibly seeing a psychiatrist as well. Make sure he keeps busy and active and gets out of the house as much as possible. The more he stays inside the worse he will feel.
• Canada
6 Jan 07
Thanks. I've encouraged him to seek help. His family is scattered everywhere, and he never was that close to them (not as close as I am to mine even though they drive me nuts!!!). He's really not that social... He knows I'm there for him though. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@nuffsed (1275)
6 Jan 07
Don't fret to much too soon. I do know what you are saying, but he will need a little time to grieve, and feeling crap and down is allowed. Let him know you feel for him of course, but he'll likely come out of it in a couple of weeks, when you start to distract him with problems he can be distracted with....maybe??
1 person likes this
• Canada
6 Jan 07
Thank you. I'm letting him know I'm here, but it's the physical distance between us that's killing me (I'm in Guelph Ontario, he's in the south-weatern United States) so not being able to be there while he's going through it...not being reassured that he'll be fine... I'm just glad that he stays near the phone!!!
1 person likes this
@vanities (11351)
• Davao, Philippines
7 Jan 07
well thats an exiting revelation few people know that they have some gifts..but the problem is how can you dealwith it,,i mean the grief..try calling all the time and talk to him about something new which you think could divert any sad feelings or maybe just invite him to to go some nature tripping which you can enjoy as well as released all the negative vibes you both feel...(that if he likes the outdoor) ..
• Canada
7 Jan 07
Good thinking!!! Dirty jokes make him laugh no matter how down he is. ROFLMAO. Seriously, your advice is fantastic!!!
@Lady_Vincy (1543)
• United States
7 Jan 07
The best way to deal witht hat type of depression is to talk to sombody. You may even need to seek out perfessional help. It really does work. Also, another thing to do is spend more time with your family.
• Canada
7 Jan 07
That's all well and good for me, I just wish I could convince him!! Thank you.
@luka_24 (102)
• Chile
7 Jan 07
I have a similar connection with my cousin, what she feels, I feel. She suffers from endogenous depression, so I need to cheer her very often. With time, it hasn't become so difficult after all...we just talk a lot. I do a lot of listening, and then give my opinion. I try to be soothing, but harsh if the situation needs it. Sometimes she needs some counseling, but most of the time, she just needs to be heard. As the connection between us is so big. words tend to come out easily, so I suggest that you relax, and keep on testing his reactions while he talks. It shoudn't be so difficult, because if you feel the same, your task is already done by 50%. Good luck! ;)
• Canada
7 Jan 07
Thanks for your suggestion, and it's so nice the way you are there for your cousin, and that you understand our connection.
@besthope44 (12146)
• India
24 Oct 10
Well, sometimes its unavoidable that we feel depressed for the day..but for the health its not a good side, i believe in Meditation which will balance our mind and helps to be normal at situations
• Philippines
17 Mar 07
Well, nothing is better than to let go the feelings, the depression. Make her talk about it, let her cry, then go out and have some fun. Ive been in that situation before and its more painful because my father did in my very arms. What i initially do was get drunk and cry as if there's no more tomorrow. Then i learned to smile again, talked again, but honestly until now, i think i am not fully recovered yet but at least im out of depression..Maybe i have to thank my friends and love ones who never missed to comfort me.
• United States
23 Feb 07
It sounds like you are doing everything that you should and can do. The best thing is to keep talking him through this. Friendship can help a person through alot of things. Having someone to talk to is key. You must not keep things bottled up. It is great you both have an outlet for your feelings. With time and your shoulder it will get easier. Just hang in there, as he feels better, you will too. Try to keep an upbeat tone when you talk to him.
• United States
27 Jan 07
Everyone grieves in their own way. There is a passage in the bible that tells us that when a friend is grieving, to simply be there with them with no words but just comfort is often enough. I think that's true often. Sometimes we feel like we have to say something and make them feel better. Sometimes that's not an option. Sometimes they simply need to work it out in their own minds and know that they have a friend there to talk to if needed or simply someone to share time with.
• India
7 Jan 07
Best way to deal with depression is by changing the environment around. If your friend has lost some one dear to him then i suggest that you take him to a place where he finds new people, new surrounding. I recommend going to a place which is very close to nature..like hill station or something. This will bring calming effect on your friends mind and will be able to cope up with his depression. You should talk to him as much as possible and do not let him feel that he is alone and missing something.
@kidsrock (64)
• United States
7 Jan 07
Speaking from a person who has lost someone there is actually not a whole heck of a lot you can do for them. Be there when they need to talk, but push them into talking it will only push them away. Help get them moving again as in getting daily things done. That's about all you can do it takes some time to heal.
@kathy77 (7488)
• Australia
7 Jan 07
Yes it is very hard when our friends hurt as we do hurt as well, and you are right you cannot do anything about it but to be there for him. You must be connected spiritually that is why you can feel the same as he does and this is a gift but I think the only way you can get over this is to have a talk to him about his depression and maybe that way you can solve it so that he does not feel so bad.
@Reviver (339)
• Romania
7 Jan 07
You are responsible for how you feel and above all else you want to feel good. You can not help your friend by wallowing in his grief with him. Choose to let it go and be happy for all you both have. This will help him to heal more quickly than anything else
@Geminigirl (1909)
• United States
7 Jan 07
I think the only thing that will help here is the passage of time. He just needs to process it. In time, he will feel better. Just always try to stay positive and give him encouraging words. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to speed up this process.
@tupshi (22)
• India
7 Jan 07
There is a saying "Even this will pass away".I know its very hard to tackle situations when they fall on you in real life.But whenever you go through the pain just say inside your mouth "nothing is permanent,nor is what i m going through".i hope you will find a bit of relief that way
• India
7 Jan 07
Try to take his mind of the tradgedy. Do make the mistake of taking him to parties or discos. tke to some fun place like a beach for some scuba diving, or something. but don't force him for anything. If nothing is working, cook up a mean for ur friend. Something he really loves, maybe it'll change his mind.