tell me what i should do?its about my husband...
By jaykay_123
@jaykay_123 (41)
India
January 17, 2007 12:24am CST
as u see we had an arranged marriage and its been almost 7 years and two kids but i still dont vibe with him.and dont feel alive with him,.he doesnt even bother to talk to me mostly goes to chat with his parents or sisters.always treats me like a cow.am an adventurous travelling,fun loving kind of person and like to try new things and i would like it if he showed the least interest but he seems drowned in his work and doent want me reading a book or listening to some music while am working or anything like thati should be working allthe time and shouldnt enjoy anything at all.isnt it disgusting.he doesnt abuse me but just blames me for even the slightest thing i do nor doesnt encourage my interets in painting or my other hobbies.just wants to see me slogging hard like a cart horse all the day and keep the house.the only time he is romantic is when he is in bed.i dont like living with him but thinking of my kids makes me desist.i feel i am wasting my time and my life.everyone else thinks he is grand and nicebut i hate living with a calculator.even if i ask for divorce everyone will be blaming me only cause he is a golden boy for everyone,punctual,neat,particularand talks with the rest except me.he feels am not mature enough to talk with.well i really would like to get away from him and start a life on my own with my kids.i dont even want to be with a guy anymore.what should i be doing?
5 people like this
61 responses
@paulnet (748)
• India
17 Jan 07
The best way is to discuss with him or plan a vacation out and make yourself attractive so that he's always hook up with you. Just think up how you can do that. Planning is most important. Your first priority is save your relationship for the kids. Otherwise opposite option is always with you try this first then think other options later on. Best of luck.
@jaykay_123 (41)
• India
17 Jan 07
thanks paul ,but i first have to get him out of the joint family first
1 person likes this
@sj_chaudhry (1537)
• Canada
17 Jan 07
ohh yeah obviously this si your right to live your own life and you can demand him for live seperately... all you are facing is aresultant factor of every other joint family.... you are not alone dear... once you'll be own your own then you'll see a huge difference in his attitude too..
telling you an example of my friend, after marriage she came into her inlaws which is a joint family system, her hubby was hanging out all the tiem alone and she had to take care of all his inlaws... after 6 or 7 years of sacrifices... now my friend able to convinced her hubby to be seperated form inlaws... now they are own their own and believe me she is very hubby with ehr new home and change in her hubby.... so dear it will works if you try....
@rosie_123 (6113)
•
17 Jan 07
As a woman from a Western Culture where arranged marriages do not exist, I admit it is difficult for me to give you advice as it may be impossible for you to act on what I say depending on where you lie amd your family commitments. But from a purely personal point of view, I could NEVER live with or marry a man that I didn't choose for myself or fall in love with. If you are not happy,I would say get out, be your own person, love your own life, be peaceful and happy with your own company and that of your kids who obviously must be your prioroty. Do not stay feeling sad and trapped in a loveless relationship - life is too short to feel like that. We ony live once - make the most of your life because you won't get anther chance at happiness. Good Luck anyway.
@jaykay_123 (41)
• India
17 Jan 07
hmm wish i was born soem where at ur place.here i can only dream about leaving him.thanks rosie
@rosie_123 (6113)
•
17 Jan 07
I was a bit afraid of that for you and I am truly sorry. I could not bear to live a life without my freedom. So I guess the next best thing for you is to dedicate all your love and your hopes on your children andI hope they make you happy. Good Luck.
@kakuemmom (859)
• Canada
18 Jan 07
See i really don't understand arranged marriage i know its how things are for some ppl. Myself i could never imagine, I fell in love with my husband he courted me cherished me fell in love with me. I couldn't imagine living with a man i didn't love or choose for myself. You are your own person i think you should do what is best for you and your children. Staying together is not always the best for the children they can sense things and the might know you are not happy and then blame themselves. Then again splitting might be to much for them too. What a hard choice you have to make. I will be thinking about you i hope you can find some peace with this.
1 person likes this
@berry9 (590)
• India
17 Jan 07
dear friend.I can understand it is annoying.But why does he behave that way?was he like this right from the time he married and took you home?If yes then it is his character,and it is not easy to change.But if it is just now that he started behaving this way then surely he doesnt find you entertaining may be.try to make him happy.tell him that you love him very muchand his behaviour makes you feel very terrible.he must spend some time with you or you feel like being in a jungle.one more thing that can keep your mund healthy is,find yourself a job when you are out and mingle with people,such lonliness will vanish.
love love and only l o v e can change things.
@jaykay_123 (41)
• India
17 Jan 07
as u say i think its his character.hes like tht from the beginning.no diff so i think it cant be changed.
@justinmackx (516)
• India
17 Jan 07
this ur ur life..u hv sustaian a lot. now just unleash urself.. ur life is nt some one's property... think wht u will be at the time u leave this world. make ur own identity
@sala94 (28)
• Morocco
17 Jan 07
Hi,
I feel your pain. It's pretty bad being stuck in such a hole. You can get out of it, just start toward your freedom and things will change for the better for you and your kids. He's either gonna put his act together and change which is hard, or you'll enjoy being single with your kids and family and friends till you get a prince charming.
from my heart
salah
@jaykay_123 (41)
• India
17 Jan 07
ACT?? what act he is putting?its his born nature.i cant blame him.he cant change
@pendragon (3350)
• United States
17 Jan 07
What should you be doing? packing? If it's feasible for you to leave, do it. It's another kind of abuse he's doling you.You know you're not happy, only you can do something about it. Take your kids and be happy.
1 person likes this
@jaykay_123 (41)
• India
17 Jan 07
its so easy saying that and i hav wished for it several times,but i cant ever bring myself to do it.but i feel some relief by sharing.but dont think tht my frnds advices r in vain.i am hearing out wht u all hav to say as i havnt yet told about it to anyone.
@baysmummy (1637)
• Australia
18 Jan 07
Sorry i am not of much help but this is all part of those arranged marriages some of them turn out fantastic where others turn out like yours. Maybe you could do some things he likes and then he will have something to talk to you about, maybe you could speak to him and tell him you want your marriage to work but there are some things that need to change from you and from him and if he really wants to make your marriage work then he will support you and help you make it work!
1 person likes this
@ghalayini (122)
• Australia
18 Jan 07
You need to keep talking, keep finding out about each other. Of course you will have differences but that's what makes a marriage exciting as you discover new things.
@rikroy (91)
• India
18 Jan 07
well..well..well..
jus do whtever u feel like..its your life..dont let anyone dominate..if u want to live a new life with your kids jus go ahead..jus give a damn to others..had i been in your place i would have done the same..dont allow others to dominate on you..and think bout the future of your kids..so plz give a thought to whtever i said..and decide..MAY LORD BLESS YOU..take care
1 person likes this
@erdsethu (165)
• India
18 Jan 07
just be cool, u r inn a position where my mother was 10 years before in same situation, but her patiance made her to change my father and still he is little bit problametic and coming to u .. be calm and try to have free chats with him to change hi mind
1 person likes this
@yorb24 (2179)
• United States
18 Jan 07
Sorry to hear that you are in a terrible situation. The first thing you need to do is tell him how you feel. You have to. You owe it to yourself and especially to your children. It almost sounds like a prison for you and you will never be happy until you are able to express yourself fully. Maybe you can go to counseling together so you can better connect with him and him with you. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@sameer2cute (584)
• India
17 Jan 07
Never jump on any decision in hurry think endless times and then do anything, first of all talk to your husband that he is doing a wrong thing and you are feeling very un secure with him, and make him understand that you need some caring and love from his side, and then see if there is any change to his behaviour or not. If its the same then you can decide to take some severe steps, in fact your my lot members are here always to help you.
1 person likes this
@Amankumar (6)
• India
17 Jan 07
Dont even think abt divorce, just try to
talk with ur husband in a way he likes,
i think best friends talk with eyes hope
ur both are best frnds...
just try to think in that way friendss...
1 person likes this
@jaykay_123 (41)
• India
17 Jan 07
best frnds?u know wht a frnd is?imagine with eyes.hmphsorry tht term doesnt suit us.i hav tried to drag him into conversations and all but he is not at all interested.oh u dont know how it is.
@coolmom (43)
• Philippines
18 Jan 07
we are almost in the same situation but i am still trying to be a good wife and a good mother too because there's nothing we can do anymore. i believed that time will change. just open your heart and mind to him as long as he's still doing his responsibilities for the family.guys are really like that...they have double standards.they do not want to tell their problems as much as possible with their partners. they always want to be strong in our eyes. just continue to do your best and sooner or later, your life will change!
1 person likes this
@missybal (4490)
• United States
18 Jan 07
If it has been 7 years and two kids later and you never got that vibe or felt like you could love this person you need to leave him. I wouldn't worry about what others say. They don't know what it is like being married to this guy. Really I would tell him off and say hey if you don't want a real relationship that is both give and take I might as well leave. He can't keep treating you like you are not a person with wants and needs. You desearve to have a life. If you can't have one with him then set out to have one on your own. Tell him last chance, you need to let me have a life. You can't save a marriage that wasn't ever right to begin with. Even for the sake of your children it is better for them for you to be happy and not to see everyday him treating you like a slave that is not allowed to have any interest or thoughts in life.
1 person likes this
@cwgrlsarefun (1581)
• United States
18 Jan 07
Living like this can be a total nightmare. You should try talking with him, try getting through to him somehow and tell him how you are feeling. If he is not inerested in your feelings or is not inerested enough to at least change a little then you will have no other choice then to leave. You are a person too and you deserve to be just as happy as the next person and one should not deprive you of that. If you know that you want to leave already then that is what you should do. Maybe try a trial seperation.
@baweja (197)
• India
18 Jan 07
I think he is still attached more with his own family members and you both had not spent much time togethar since you got married, therefore, he has more attachment with other family members. Now here you have to be very cautious and you should not just let go off your family. Just try hard once, else you have the other option to leave. Just speak to him about how you feel and what does he want from you. Ask him why he behaves like this only with you, where is your fault?? If things gets better between both of you then nothing like it. Just go ahead atleast for yourself if not for the sake of kids.
1 person likes this
