From Petty Squabbles To All Out War - Taking Offense On the Net
By misskatonic
@misskatonic (3723)
United States
January 19, 2007 1:53pm CST
This subject has been on my mind for a while. I spend a good portion of my free time browsing various forums and blogs, and always there's one constant. People taking offense. People taking offense at small things, large things, offhand remarks, wording, use of slang.... people will always find something to take offense at.
Is it possible to have a discussion or to post a personal opinion without offending *anyone*? I don't think so. Because there are always those people who need to be offended, who need to be sensitive, who need to find something to get up in arms about.
And my question is: why? I know I get offended by things, but they're large things that plenty of people take offense at. I take offense at racial or sexist slurs, at misogyny, at sexism. These aren't small things, like someone calling American Chop Suey 'goulash '. (Yes, I saw someone raise holy heck and descend into name calling and hysterics just because someone used the wrong term for a type of food.)
And on the other side, a good many people get very offended at most of what I say. Even when it's relatively harmless and I'm speaking in general terms of what annoys me. I'm amazed at how many people took offense to my post about overdone topics I was sick of seeing pop up. They attacked me as though I'd singled them out and railed against their ancestors or some such. People are too quick to take offense, I think, and the problem lies within them.
This quote from one of my favorite satirical blogs says it better than I could, so I'll close with this:
"It’s you. It has always been you. It will always be you. The face you see in the mirror is yours, not mine. I am therefore blameless when you spy something you don’t like. Look not towards its creator, but look within yourself for the source of your revulsions. I create. You dislike. The only responsibility that can be apportioned for the objectionable nature of the object is your own. You are the one assigning the negative feelings, the clammy horror and burning lust. You. Only you. If you are offended, it is because you have given the object those characteristics that render it distasteful beyond redemption. You may not blame others for your disgust." - Rum and Monkey
7 people like this
23 responses
@Brentsky (164)
• United States
19 Jan 07
If we didn't say things that offended certain people, we would never get to talk at all. You are always gonna have that ONE person who is like that. Sometimes they are truly offended for the dumbest of things, and sometimes they pretend to be offended just to start a meaningless debate. You just gotta do what you do, and not worry about offending people. If they are offended by general things, then they shouldn't be on the internet at all.
5 people like this
@misskatonic (3723)
• United States
9 Feb 07
And some people will take offense at the most crazy of things - and assume that everything is some sort of personal attack. It drives me nuts.
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
19 Jan 07
This is just the reality of talking on the net without a face to face discussion.
I am sure half the people who get a bee in their bonnet over the most pathetic of issues would usually just keep quiet and then go and moan to someone else.
I wish more people would debate over serious issues that can really change things, but that would take too much effort. So they feel more comfortable arguing over trivial things that mean jack s**t to us who would rather discuss something worth discussing.
I'm sure you will get some who will take offense to this posting too!!
Good luck!!
4 people like this
@misskatonic (3723)
• United States
19 Jan 07
It's the Theory of The Anonymous Jack@$$, I think it's called. Take one normal person, give him the right of complete anonymity, and he becomes a complete jerk. I know most people would never stand up and resort to fights in real life the way they do online.
There are some very good serious discussions in the debates interest section.
3 people like this
@BunGirl (2638)
• United States
19 Jan 07
There's a great quote: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." (Eleanor Roosevelt) I also think that no one can offend you without your permission. I think a lot of people just like to be offended. They make mountains out of molehills just to get the attention.
For example, I know of at least two people on MyLot who got VERY offended when I responded to their discussions. In either case I was not being insulting or "judgemental and rude" (as one of them said) but merely responding. Yet BOTH of these people decided to not only comment on my response, but talk about me on other responses to that discussion and make little jabs like "thank you for not being as rude as the first person who commented." PLEASE! Get over it drama queens.
3 people like this
@sirensanssmile (3764)
• Netherlands
20 Jan 07
I have always said stuff about this. It is so simple yet people can't wrap their brains around it.
When you get upset, angry or offended by something someone says then you are relinquishing the power to control your emotions to that person. That person now has the ability to hurt you, bother you, upset you and ruin your day and it is YOUR fault. Everything they say now has the ability to make you feel something.
It is best to just brush it off and ignore it. People should realise that by being hateful back you are showing that you CARE. The opposite of love is indifference not hate. Hate requires some form of caring.
This is why I say ignore it. When you ignore those sorts of comments you are showing your indifference to that person. They aren't affecting you at all.
I don't care what they are saying if no one is listening they will shut up.
Sometimes people say what they say for a reaction. They wat you to be angry, hurt whatever. By falling into this trap you allow them the satisfaction of knowing that they successfully got to you. They bothered you and accomplished exactally what it is they wanted. YOU let them win. YOU are the one to suffer. YOU are the one who is upset. By saying crap back to them doesn't take away from their satisfaction it only increases it. They now can gauge exactally how much they got to you by how much crap you say back....
@misskatonic (3723)
• United States
19 Jan 07
That's something I fully believe. If we're offended by something, it's because *we* take offense. Not necessarily because someone intended offense or is actually being offensive.
I've had similar things happen to me when I offer up an opposing argument or an opposite view. There are people who think unless you pander to them or hold their hand or agree with them, you're being rude.
@xphile777 (427)
• United States
19 Jan 07
Never forget these three things:
1. Insecure people project their own failings, insecurity, and hatred of themselves onto others;
2. The average human being is an idiot;
3. Those two things are all you need to know to understand human behavior.
@wesderby (178)
• United States
19 Jan 07
I'm convinced that anyone can choose to be offended by anything. And when it comes to online forums, I'm truly convinced that there are people who will start a discussion, knowing they'll get at least one response that offends them, just so they have a reason to be offended and angry...Complaining is what makes them happy. I belong to a couple message boards that, frankly, have quite a bit of cringe humor on them...It's what they're know for. There are people who will sign up, and start posts complaining about the fact that most of the posts on the board are vulgar, sick, and wrong and that it shouldn't be allowed...The funny thing is, they're usually the ones the moderator bans because that's the PURPOSE of these groups; to be able to share off-color humor and such, to discuss off-color comedians...
Somewhat off-topic, but your comment about calling it American Chop Suey vs. Goulash always makes me think of my grandmother on my dad's side...She's frm New Hampshire, and they call it American Chop Suey. Where I was raised, in Oregon and Arizona, my family always called it goulash...Personally, we don't care what people want to call it; it's just macaroni, tomato sauce, ground beef, and occasionally some other stuff thrown together for a quick dinner...But my grandmother this day just throws a fit and grumbles for twenty minutes if my mom says she's making "goulash" for dinner because "That's not the right name".
3 people like this
@misskatonic (3723)
• United States
19 Jan 07
Some people amaze me. I belong to some forums that are similar - they're known for gallows humor and political incorrectness. And are still people who will come in and then start screaming about how they're offended. I wonder what goes through their minds and how sad their lives must be if that's how they get their kicks.
That's actually kind of funny! I've had similar discussions with relatives - half the family's from the west coast and half is from New England - but it's never resulted in fights like I've seen online!
2 people like this
@pinkeagle (202)
• United States
19 Jan 07
The quote you ended with is too true for some to comprehend or appreciate. In fact, there are those that if they understood it, would suffer psychological pain. Of course, some of what hurts, is good for you.
Thanks for the insight.
4 people like this
@misskatonic (3723)
• United States
19 Jan 07
Most people who respond to my discussions don't understand what I'm saying or claim I've psychologically damaged them anyway, so I'm not too worried. You're welcome.
3 people like this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
19 Jan 07
I think what it is on the Net you don't know the Person that well and until you do you are not sure how to take the Person and some People say things meaning them in a different sense but because you don't how they mean it People have to test each other first and see how they mean it I guess that is the Problem majoriety of the time
@cblackink (969)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Love the blog quote. You know, there are always going to be people with a chip on their shoulder, ready to get pissed off at the drop of a hat. My feeling is that I can't walk around tip-toeing around that all my life. I don't feel like I'm in a popularity contest, so "(expletive deleted) them".
1 person likes this
@not4me (1711)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Those who allow themselves to become hurt, angered, upset, slighted, offended, righteous, indignant, affronted, or otherwise insulted are simply in the wrong place. This is a virtual world, and part of the fun in being here is in leaving behind the drudgery of our daily dramas and fragile feelings. Giving an anonymous person the power to actually hurt your feelings in cyberspace is a decision, not a reaction. When trolls appear, or general rudeness occurs, let it play out. All idiots are armed with enough rope to hang themselves. Be nice. Be in on the joke. Let the morons define themselves.
1 person likes this
@whiteheather39 (24403)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Excellent and well written topic. I have to really bite my tongue oops fingers not to hurt anyone feelings. As I have been told that my remarks, which I think are very witty, are not considered funny by other people. Poor people not to enjoy my sense of fun because the are too ignorant too understand when I am being facetious.
1 person likes this
@kabuki (152)
• Singapore
20 Jan 07
I concur with most of what you have said. There is no need for much of the sensitivism nor name calling in forums.
The forums are places for you to engage in debates but it should never get personal, no attacks on religions, races or sexism allowed.
By the way, the last paragraph is very well-written.
1 person likes this
@mzserena (29)
• United States
20 Jan 07
Anything that anyone says or does could be used to insight a riot. Even the most harmless statements can be misinterpreted and used as a start for a flame war. I think that if we're going to take offense at things, we should choose wisely and decide what is worth being offended over. If it's not worth it, just move on.
@lecanis (16647)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
20 Jan 07
I find this discussion funny because I used to be one of those people who took offense online a lot. I would argue for hours with some idiot that I half knew was probably just yanking my chain, and then even after I got off the computer, I would stew about it for a while.
These days, the things that offend me online are the same things that offend me offline: mostly the same types of issues you already mentioned. Big stuff. Even then, I very carefully consider my response. If I can't respond in a rational manner, I walk away. If I don't think anything I'm going to say could possibly contribute to growth in anyone involved, I walk away. Most of the time anyway.
As for offending others, I don't go out of my way to do it. I don't really seek out websites of people who hate people like myself just to tell them they're wrong. However, if they come to a place that's made by and for people who view things my way and try to cause trouble, I don't really care if I offend them or not.
1 person likes this
@ESKARENA1 (18261)
•
20 Jan 07
wow thank you for a great discussion topic, it has also puzzled me why people take the words typed on a screen so seriously. If mylot is to act as a forum for debate (as i truey believe it should and could) then we also have to enter the arena with an open mind. I have no problem with people expressing alternative points of view as long as they are developed out of rationality. Where I do have a problem is with people taking it all too seriously and becoming abusive. I have had people questioning my mental health simply because i expressed a point of view different to their own, and i dont think this is particularly rare. To some extent i think the reason for this is because some people get used to being agreed with, and it comes as a big shock when they enter a wider community where their given truths are not necessarily accepted as fact
good luck
keep on posting
@Ravenladyj (22904)
• United States
20 Jan 07
LOVE the quote first off! and secondly, I dont get it either..I ahve been offended online and I've gotten heated online as well but NEVER for something silly or petty...its always been for something that as you said, plenty of ppl have taken offense to....Some ppl I think, just have nothing better to do with their time....I mean think about it, in real life you have ppl who actually feed off playing the "wounded one" role ya knwo...so it makes sense for it to happen on the net as well IMO..Its childish though without a doubt
@Wanderlaugh (1622)
• Australia
20 Jan 07
I've noticed that some people will seem to go out of their way to be offended in any position where their intelligence is challenged.
What's interesting about that rather sickening fact is that having realized they don't know what they think, or how to deal with an issue, they are therefore offended by their own situation. It's the fear of looking stupid, so they prove it.
Peer fear. The net is a difficult and strange place for some people, and they really don't get it. So, in front of the world, they lose it. Add to this the fact of being able to be both ignorant and abusive from a distance, and the process is inevitable.
Another point is that everybody will react to any implied insult on the same basis. Not having vocabularies seems to refine the process. They may not pay attention to oncoming traffic, but they will instantly get defensive with any unfamiliar term, idea, or position.
@rosie_123 (6113)
•
20 Jan 07
I think one of the main difficulties on the Internet is that you have no real interraction with the person you are "talking" to, so it's more easy to take offence when you can't see a person's eyes or hear the inflection in their voice. People can read things into a comment that was not intended at all.
However, I also think that there are far too many people on the Net ready and waiting to take offence with someone, because their lives are very empty and lonely and the Net is the only hobby or contact with people that they have - so they get some kind of buzz at feeling part of somthing - even if it is only a row or a bad thing.
Anyway - interesting topic - and hope you won't take "offence" at me because I'm English and I spell the word the British way and not the American way! Internet"wars" have started over less!!.
@khufara (73)
• Philippines
20 Jan 07
yeah its possible without squabbles. but i think maybe its because of personality why there's a little misunderstanding between people. we have different views and perspective and once it clash then thats what is difficult. but it really depends on how you cope with it.
