Marriage and your family

United States
January 22, 2007 12:32pm CST
How common is it for families to have no interest in their son or daughter getting married? I got engaged back in May and absolutely no one seemed to care. No one said anything, no one congratulated us, nothing. My mother told everyone she knew and she seems mildly interested in helping me plan, but my father has never told anyone and he acts like it's not happening. He and my younger sister even make fun of me whenever I talk about my plans. How common is this? What are your opinions on it?
7 people like this
18 responses
@arkaf61 (10891)
• Canada
4 Oct 07
I think often fathers have a little bit more of a problem when it comes to their little girl getting married. SOme even will go into a stage of denial, thinking that maybe it won't happen or just pretending that maybe it's not for real. I don't know what will happen when my daughter gets married but I think my husband will be somehow in denial too. WE tend to say that our kids will always be our babies in our minds, but I can see that in him so much more LOL So in the end, maybe this reactions from your dad - that is puzzling you - is just a reaction over the news that is baby is all grown up and ready to start a family of her own.
• United States
6 Oct 07
That would make sense, except that I'm not his little girl. That role was taken over by my sister 14 years ago. He's always been nothing but controling, absuive and downright mean to me and since I turned 18, he's done absolutely nothing for me since he's no longer "obligated" under the divorce agreement to provide me with anything anymore.
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10891)
• Canada
8 Oct 07
Ok, so then that won't be it. In that case, my best suggestion is that you don't really worry or think much about it. COncentrate on feeling happy and on the people that are happy for you - like your mom. THose ones are the ones that count. I know that sometimes we just think....but don't think, really.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Oct 07
Yeah, I know. I'm done with him. Thanks for your support, it just makes planning very hard when I have absolutely no one to do it with.
2 people like this
@artemis432 (7396)
• United States
12 Sep 07
I don't know how common it is, however, I congratulate you. If thats the path you choose then I wish you well. Your dad may not want to lose his little girl, maybe thats why. Personally though, were I your parent, I'd be telling the world and celebrating. I'd want to be a big part of the planning process and plan to be with my son. I think its very wrong to make fun of you for your plans and were I in your place I would state to them how I feel and that its inappropriate. My mom never pressured us to get married, but was over joyed when we did. Basically, she wants us to find our own paths, choose our own happiness, whatever form that comes in. Whatever decisions we make she will accept. I am the free spirit of the family and spend many years traveling and working at various places - sometimes the same company in different states/towns. I also did a lot of caretaking. Houses and such. My sister and brother, on the other hand, were more traditional. My sister never married, and may never marry, but my brother married his childhood sweetheart and worked his way up his company until he was traveling internationally and making six figures. He's now starting his own company on the side. He lives in Ohio as he has for many years and plans to stay. My sister too, has lived in CA for a long time and plans to stay and owns her own business helping non-profits. I'm the free spirit - as I've said, I plan to become a reverend of sorts, and married and such - but only because I was asked spontaneously. I've been asked before by others. Yet married or unmarried my mom has always supported us, and celebrated whatever we chose. I think that's what a parent and family members should do. Accept you the way you are, supporting and celebrating your decisions and pathways. To me, teasing someone and not celebrating great life transitions is wrong. But that's just my opinion.
• United States
13 Sep 07
I'm not "his little girl" anymore. I haven't been since my sister was born. I've come to the conclusion that he just doesn't care. So oh, well. He's a b@st@rd anyway.
2 people like this
• United States
13 Sep 07
Really sucks. I never had a great relationship with my dad. He and my mom divorced when I was five and he insisted on visits even though he never spent time with us. Finally my mom left the state when he threatened to kill her and kidnap us. He really wouldn't have but it was the last straw. He was great to her before us- put her on a pedastal and worshipped her but he became jealous when we came into the picture because of course she had to spend time with us. Your situation of course if far different because he's still in the picture and being as you say, a b$#$#ard. Well at least you know what you don't like in men and so have chosen, I hope, his opposite!
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Sep 07
Lol, seriously. Well, he was always abusive to my mother, before they married, and before she had two Pill babies (see: my fear of failed birth control), but she didn't leave him until 3 years ago. And he's not so much in my picture as he is clinging to my younger sister because she's the only person left who still buys into his false promises and BS and since I'm still bound to my mother and my mother, I have to put up with him on the occassion that he comes after my sister. He even still think I'm going to let him walk me down the aisle. If it doesn't directly effect him, he just doesn't care.
2 people like this
@pendragon (3354)
• United States
3 Oct 07
Do they know your opinions on having kids?maybe they don't see it as that huge a step if that isn't involved in it, or maybe they don't take it as seriously.Do they not like you fiance maybe?
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Oct 07
Everyone knows I don't want kids. I am VERY vocal about that. I think they just don't care about it. Maybe they think I'm too young or something and they figure if they ignore me, I'll change my mind. My mother's been helping out more, now that it's closer and there are things that have to be done. But as for my father, he just doesn't care about me at all. I'm done with him, at this point. I don't even know if I'm going to let him come to the wedding anymore.
2 people like this
@pendragon (3354)
• United States
4 Oct 07
I'm sorry about their lax reaction and indifference.I hope you have a beautiful ceremony and a blessed marriage.
• China
4 Oct 07
it is so sad.your suffering reminds me of justine henin,who is a great tennis player. i think your family dont like ur fiance.do u like your family ?do you have a meeting with them to know the reason why they dont be happy with your marriage? well, anyway,you should compound with your family.the family is as important as marriage ,i think. i hope you will have happiness in your marriage .good luck!
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Oct 07
"i think your family dont like ur fiance." Um. They're fine with my fiance. They don't love him, but I don't care, that's my job, not theirs. "do u like your family?" I like my mother just fine. I'm done with my father, I want nothing more to do with him. My sister is a dumb teenager, so I'm nuetral on her at this point. "do you have a meeting with them to know the reason why they dont be happy with your marriage?" What for? I've been engaged for 17 months and I'm getting married in 8 months. It really doesn't matter anymore. I just think they don't care. I just kinda hurts. "well, anyway,you should compound with your family.the family is as important as marriage,i think." I disagree. I've never experienced family togetherness. My father was abusive, my mother was mostly absent(because of my father's abuse she worked a lot) and all of their family lived across country and I almost never see them. As for my fiance's family, I never want to see them again. I want nothing to do with any of them. It'll probably be mainly just the two of us, my mom and a few friends for the majority of our lives.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Oct 07
I have to ask, were you all a close family before? I don't understand the non reaction.If I were to get married, my family would be happy for me, even if they didn't like my finacee.My mom didn't like weddings so I don't think she would have help plan , but if I were happy, she would be happy for me.I hope you have a lot of friends that are excited for you. I am.Happy Marriage.
• United States
23 Oct 07
I had thought I was close to my mom, but she doesn't seem to be really into it. But, after hearing all these other brides and newlyweds, it seems getting married is supposed to be a big deal, but it's just not. I feel like I'm missing out.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Oct 07
It is your wedding. All you need you have, the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.your family's feelings don't matter, your's do. And what is so great is that you can make your close friends your family. Do you have friends that are excited about your wedding?Spend time with them.They can help you plan if you let them.And you will experience what other bride do, it just won't be with your family. You don't need apathetic people around when you are planning your special day!It will be your day, not theirs and it should be great, you deserve it.I hope everything goes well.Take care.
• United States
23 Oct 07
That's a great suggestion in theory, but I don't have any friends. The only friend I have is my age, works full time and has a general disinterest in wedding-related things, as do most people my age, so I don't really blame her. It's not her fauilt I'm an oddball.
1 person likes this
@kiobug (2250)
• United States
19 Oct 07
I think its retarded. You seem to have too many people in your life with poor judgement and interest in you. I think its wonderful and you deserve to bask in the glory of getting engaged and planning a wedding.
• United States
19 Oct 07
I'm not even being permitted to plan my own wedding anymore. Any time any term even remotely wedding related comes up, my sister barks at me to shut up. And since she never leaves my mother's side, and my mother is the only person I have to talk to, and my mother is paying for the wedding, I haven't been able to plan hardly anything. All I've gotten is the ceremony location booked and down-payment put down. I don't have a dress, I don't have a reception location, I don't have a cake picked out, I haven't even started on photography, videography or any kind of entertainment yet. I'm getting really depressed.
@kiobug (2250)
• United States
20 Oct 07
Cookie, you have got to seriously smack some people around. This is about you! Tell your sister to shut her freaking mouth. It may take some work but its a day meant for you to enjoy and no matter how long it takes you need to make sure you will be happy with it.
• United States
20 Oct 07
I've been engaged for 14 months, my date is in about 8 months, as I've said, I have hardly anything done yet. And really, there's nothing I can do about it. No one really cares at all. If I ever go against anything my sister says I risk either getting punched by my sister or she goes into a tantrum tirade attitude and I get told to shut up by my mother. I'm really just trapped.
@eden32 (3978)
• United States
9 Oct 07
Your younger sister teasing you about it doesn't seem so terrible (I'm assuming she's pretty young since I believe you are in your early 20s, right?). But the adults should be happy for you & helping you plan and celebrate. As anti-marriage as I am for myself, I was overjoyed when my son announced his plans to marry his partner. I'd have been just as overjoyed if they announced they were moving in together, joining the peace corps together or whatever, it doesn't have to be marriage for me to be happy for them- but obviously for them marriage is what they feel is best. Parents should support any positive thing that makes their child happy. FWIW, my mother has the most horrible taste in partners and has consistantly liked the horrible people I dated & not liked the great ones. So I now take it as proof of a good choice if she's not happy about it. Maybe the same will prove true in your family. Your wedding & marriage will be wonderful, they're just not wise enough to realize it.
• United States
9 Oct 07
Yes, my sister is young, but she's a blaring b*tch. She complains and insults my dress shopping errands, whenever I talk about my theme integrations she makes some "Um, are you 3? This isn't a kid's birthday party, you know" remark. It doesn't seem like much to you, probably, but I have no support, no defense and no one reigns her comments or actions so it builds up and really hurts. I'm just sick of being laughed at.
1 person likes this
@eden32 (3978)
• United States
10 Oct 07
Oh I didn't mean to imply that it's not a big deal or that you're not justified in being hurt.
• United States
10 Oct 07
Oh, okay. Maybe I'm just too pedantic, but I see teasing and insulting as too different things, so it seemed I didn't make the full weight of her actions apparent. Sorry ^_^
• United States
22 Jan 07
Does your family not like your fiance? This is not common by any means and it is very unfair of them not to become involved in your excitement. Marriage is a big commitment and a huge stepping stone in ones life. You need your families support and assurance. This is very unfair and I suggest you call a family meating to discuss with each of them how they are making you feel and what you expect from them. Ask them why they are treating your engagement announcement as if you told them you bought a new pair of shoes. Some times it is best to point out behavior for them to realize what they are doing and how it is making you feel. By the way congratulations! I wish you and your fiance the best in life.
• United States
22 Jan 07
Thank you, first of all. We aren't "family meeting" type people. My parents are divorced, my father is a self-centered jerk and my sister just doesn't really care about anyone but herself. My father claims he likes my fiance, my mother tolerates him out of her love for me. I just didn't know how common this lakc-luster response was because I don't have any family or friends and so I haven't been around people getting engaged or married to see how normal people react to it. I just figured that the huge celebrations were some kind of movie-land fary tale or something.
2 people like this
• United States
24 Jan 07
And a fairy tale is what it should be. How is your fiance's family acting over this? If they seem to be having more of the response you are looking for turn to them to enduldge your need for excitement. You will learn you need to turn to your in-laws alot. Best wishes I hope your day is wonderful...
• United States
24 Jan 07
HIs family doesn't care at all. Nor do I want anything to do with them. They have another son who is 17 and he got married and had a baby last year and that's all they care about. They don't even validate our relationship together, much less that we're getting married.
1 person likes this
@Akeela (2082)
• Trinidad And Tobago
8 Mar 07
Well your dad dont want to loose you how old is your sis anyway when it come close to the day you see how the react like christmas eve and the curtains and food have been prepared yet...
• United States
9 Mar 07
I hardly ever speak to my father and I see him even less. For all intents and purposes, he has already lost me. So that doesn't make any sense. My sister is 13 years old.
• United States
9 Mar 07
Also, I don't understand what you mean by the "like christmas eve" comment. How is my wedding like Christmas?
• Canada
19 Jan 11
I understand that completely. When I became engaged, it wasn't a huge issue for my family. Sometimes in life, things are not all about you. People need to lean that. I'm sure when you get married (if you make it there considering your future plans in another discussion) your family will be there and you will get well wishings. For some people, it's really hard for all attention not to be focused on them. Sometimes, they do or say things just to get a rise or reaction from other people. Perhaps they did not have enough attention from their parents growing up that they need and crave the attention and will say or do anything to get it, and then go into a complete depression when their antics were not met with the proper attention. At least your mother is helping you plan, which means that she does care. People show excitement in different ways. Perhaps your family feels you may not follow through? Your sister is probably jealous. My father is the same as yours, he won't bring it up because it is an embarrassing subject to him.
• United States
19 Jan 11
Well, this discussion is almost 5 years old, I've been married for almost 3 years. My in-laws never gave a damn about the engagement and did not even attend the wedding. I haven't seen or spoken to them in over 4 years and I intend to keep it that way. My father is self-absorbed and if it's not solely about him, he really doesn't care. I refused to allow him any part of my wedding other than as a regular guest. My mother ended up in the ICU the week of my wedding due to complications from chemotherapy and could not attend and we couldn't afford to postpone the date. About one third of the people I invited actually attended and all anyone could or would talk about was my mother's condition. Because of this, my wedding was pretty much the worst day of my life. My mother really was the only one who cared and she couldn't even be there.
@msg2bz (163)
• Pakistan
26 Nov 10
The behavior of parents in this regard varies from culture to culture and situation to situation. I Asian countries mostly, parents are very much involved, even if the marriage is not engage marriage. The indifferent attitude of your parents, particularly father is strange. Have you tried taking them on board. I mean get them involved in your plans seeking their suggestions or may be taking your parents and sister on shopping followed by a dinner. I am not very well aware of the culture you are dwelling in, but I believe this might help.
• United States
29 Nov 10
I've been married for two and a half years now. For the second year of planning, my mother became more involved, my sister never stopped making fun of me, my father eventually tried to use my wedding for stoke his own ego, but I basically told him to shove it. None of my in-laws attended the wedding. My husbands parents and family refused to have any part of the wedding at all.
@williamjisir (22909)
• China
19 Nov 10
In our country the parents are very concerned about their children's getting married ever since their making girlfriends or boyfriends. Parents always wish their children to have the right person for marriage. Everyone around will be made to know their children's getting married or engagement. It is something great in their life and worth paying attention to. It was the same with my marriage.
• United States
19 Nov 10
Thanks for your reply.
• United States
20 Nov 07
I can't blame them for not having any interest. You need to learn how to treat others with respect before marrying anyone. "How common is this?" Its not, get a clue girl.
• United States
21 Nov 07
F*ck you, Dayna. I've never known anyone who got married, so how the f*ck am I supposed to know how people react? You seriously need to get the hell over yourself. I have no obligation whatsoever to "respect" tripe like you who feels the need to attack me for being different than you. Grow up and go to hell.
• India
26 Jun 07
That's sad. Families Should join in weddings in the true spirit of celebration. Maybe they don't like your fiancee or think that you're making a mistake? Anyway don't let them ruin your day for you. Focus on the love that you share and enjoy yourself. Congrats and hope you have a wonderful life together!
• United States
27 Jun 07
No, they mostly just don't care about me. It's his family who hates me, not the other way around. Thanks for your reply.
@vokey9472 (1489)
• United States
20 Jun 07
My family wasn't that excited when I told them I was getting married. They were more excited over planning when I was going to have a baby. Then when they found out we didn't plan on kids, well....they didn't help out too much with planning the wedding. My husband asked me to marry him at Christmas and his family didn't even look at the ring, they just said "It's about time you stopped living in sin" and then we had dinner. My mother's first response was "Are you pregnant?" I don't think that your family's reaction is normal. Neither was my family's reaction. Now, for my sister, there were parties and a huge showers and lots of plans. I got more reaction from my co-workers than my family. I think it is awful for your families to be doing this to you and your fellow. This should be the happiest time in your life. Just hang to the love you and your fellow have for each other and make the best of it for the two of you. I hope things turn out good for you. You deserve to have happiness in your life. Those people may be your family but you owe them nothing. You marry your young man and you two have the best life you can make possible with each other. You don't need those others in your life who are only going to bring you down and make you feel bad. Dump them. If you have a cancer you cut it out, well sometimes people are like cancer in our lives.
• United States
21 Jun 07
Thank you so so much for your support. I hear all these stories of girls getting parties and all this planning and support and excitement and all I get are insults and being ignored. It really really hurts.
• Pakistan
6 Feb 07
well lex honey it depends family to family.....country to country and special mind of thinking counts alot.....there may be several reason of their quietness....may be they donot like ur fiance....they donot like the way u behave to them....the way u live ur life...may be they expect somthing more u r offering to them..... But when i try to talk about my country here no only 2 hearts be together but 2 families....here counts every thing....even behaviour of single person too....anyways...God Bless U
• United States
6 Feb 07
I don't really understand what you said. Thank you anyway.
• Pakistan
25 Jan 07
hmmmm my family takes interest in al my activities badly!! and to talk about marrige it is some thing that cannot be done without the consent of my family show ur family that u are important for them!!! with them show extra ordinary love and affection!!! that will pay
• United States
25 Jan 07
I don't think I understand what you mean.
• United States
24 Jan 07
My sister experienced this same reaction with the announcement of her being pregnant. The Grandparents to be wouldn't discuss it or never asked how she was feeling. My nephew is now 18 months old and his Aunt on his Dads side never asks how he is or anything. It is the only Grandchild and it is abnormal behavior.