to support or not support...
By itsjustmeb
@itsjustmeb (1212)
Canada
February 3, 2007 11:42pm CST
Okay...
I have a 4 year old daughter from a man who denies her paternity. (he's denied it ever since I told his sister in April of 2002 that I was pregnant with his kid...and no he hasn't changed his stance on it since that point, far as he's concerned my daughter belongs to someone else...)
Anyways...
When I was on income assistance (with NO help from him!) they forced me into going for child support for my daughter. Well of course he went up infront of a judge and said the kid wasn't his, they told him he had 90 days to pay for a dna test (and they gave him a pretty sweet discount on a DNA test I might add! I EVEN offered to pay half the cost, even though I was on welfare, but he never went through with his share...) or he would automatically owe child support for her, because as far as the court was concerned he was lying and she is infact his blood (well I know for a FACT she is his daughter...)
Well two months before he was slated to go back to court for the child support, I ended up going off of welfare and I told Family Maitaince to close the file, that IF I wanted to go after him in the future that I would do it on my own. I also told them I wanted absolutely nothing from the guy because he's never been there and I have had enough of fighting with him (which we were bickering at the time)
Flash forward to today. Everyone tells me even though he's not in her life (yup still nothing, I don't rely on the fact that he's ever going to be there, she's four!) I should still go after him for child support. Reason being? Everyone I know knows he's working, and he's having a good life. One of which my daughter by rights is entitled for support.
I originally told him and everyone who would listen to me complain about him that I wanted absolutely nothing from him because emotionally he's not there, he is not her daddy as to my daughter my fiance is her daddy, but then now reality kicks in and I think hell he should BY rights be supporting his daughter (even though he's not there)
But then I think about it too, and it's going to be a royal pain in the butt to file for support, because I don't know where he is, and I don't want this being dragged through court for years on end - I watched my mom do that with my younger brother and sister...and it was hard for her.
So what would you do? Would you just walk away or would you just suck it up and fight it out?
20 people like this
62 responses
@aprilsue00 (1991)
• United States
4 Feb 07
i would make him pay. how does your fiance feel about it
3 people like this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
he thinks I should just drop the issue.far as my daughter is concerned, my fiance is her daddy, she doesn't know her real father.
2 people like this
@Amore1 (25)
• United States
4 Feb 07
I truly feel that since you want no part of him and he wants no part of your child, you should give him what he wants and drop it for now. That sweet little one of yours deserves to feel loved and wanted, you and your fiance are seeing to that. Let him keep his money and have him sign over his parental rights for good. He doesn't deseve the honor of being called a father.
When your child is old enough to understand I'm sure you will find a way to explain that her biological father was not grown up enough to be a parent and want what was best for her so he let her "daddy" take over.
Think about it, he has brought enough sorrow and stress into your life, let him take his almighty dollars for you are so much richer. Take your life back.
1 person likes this
@Amore1 (25)
• United States
4 Feb 07
I just had to add, my son is now 36 I raised/supported him on my own since he was 18 months, worked three jobs did what I had to do. He is a wonderful man, and I honestly believe he harbors no ill will over his biological father and neither do I. He is doing what ever and I am letting the Dear Lord above make sure he gets what he deserves lol. Point, This fellow will get his just reward someday as well, so please try to pity him for his ignorance and let revenge be Gods job :)))
@cwgrlsarefun (1581)
• United States
4 Feb 07
My oldest son is not my current husbands child he belongs to my first husband and for years I would not even bother my first husband with any money issues at all. It took a long time but then I realised that even if I did not need the money, my son should be entitled to the money. I did not keep his father from seeing him, he chose not to visit with his own child so I knew that he could not hold this against me. I went after my ex for the child support and it took a long time to actually get things rolling. After I was finally awarded a set amount my ex quit he did this for years. I guess that he did not think that they would just keep tacking the unpaid on anyhow now he pays every month and every month that I do not need this support it goes into an account for my son. My first husband is very wealthy and it has been unfair for my son to have to be told no about things when if his dad would of been paying I would of been able to do it for him. Anyhow enough with my boredom I say go for it and don't stop until you start getting it at least for your daughter, she is entitled to it.
3 people like this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
Yup and yeah my fiance far as my daughter is concerned, is her daddy. As anyone has said any man can make a baby it takes a real man to be a dad.
2 people like this
@iansusie (20)
• United States
4 Feb 07
I wouldn't go after him if you can do with out his support. I know your child is entitled to it but I just would deal with it, as long as I could do it on my own or had a husband/fiance that was helping me take care of her. No use to have some pathetic idiot in your lives. If you marry your fiance, it will make it easier for him to adopt the child, since the father is not even on the birth certificate.
@mari61960 (4893)
• United States
4 Feb 07
I would make him pay. You may have to go on welfare again and laws may change who knows what may happen. I would do it and then by having the dna test you will have the proof he is her father and that could be important further down the line. She may need medical information and if he isn't willing to give it then the court can get it if you have proof he's her father. I just think enough men get away with not paying for their children. If I could make them all pay I would.
@mari61960 (4893)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I agree, it's a good thing most mothers don't act like that. I think if they had to have the kids they may think differently. The guys have it way too easy if you ask me. My mother and father were divorced when I was 2. He paid 15.00 a week until I was 18. And my mother was remarried and he still paid. She never even had to ask. Of course 15 dollars was ok when I was 2, in 1962. I doubt it was helping too much when I was a teenager...lol But at least he wansn't a deadbeat.
@allshookup (598)
• United States
4 Feb 07
First of all I'd like to say, I like your discussion tags ;) Now for the real. I cannot possibly have much insight on this subject having no children myself, but personally I'd have to weigh a few things. It IS his child, so he does have obligations. You should get support if you need it and if it'd make life easier for you and your child. No question about it. However, coming from a family torn like this, it was painful as I grew older to receive my daddy's whoppin' 80 a month in the mail, never talk to him, and live knowing that he chose another life over me. It's still painful. But my mom never struggled, she was a very lucky star. So, if life is hard, definitely go for the support. But if you can make it... I don't know that I would. I cannot emphasize the fact that I am not a mother yet enough with this one.... just had some thoughts :)
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
Yeah I saw what my mom went through, she would freak out if her ex wouldn't send the money, and he ran from it for years - Now however they can't run from paying, they will now take your income tax return , your GST, even your child tax benefit if you don't pay..thats only in extreme cases though....
1 person likes this
@glowsinthedark (189)
• United States
4 Feb 07
I would fight for it, because this is your child you are talking about. He does not deserve to get to live as though he has no responsibility to her, he does not get to walk around like king of the world while you struggle as a single mom and your daughter grows up wondering who and where her daddy is. He has to be held accountable for his actions and his part in this. If you truly don't need or want the money on a day to day basis then set up an account for your daughter that collects intrest and deposit it all in there for her to use as she wishes later in life, it could send her to school, buy her a house, send her to europe whatever she needs. It's not hard for them to find him honestly if he is working at a legitimate type job they will have his social on record and it will be available to the state they can garnish his paychecks and even his tax returns for child support and back child support. They can even go as far as freezing his bank account and garnishing that if he isn't working for a period of time. Either way he should be paying and supporting his daughter! Go for it!
2 people like this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
If he has a bank account which I doubt, but if he did he'd be smart enough to do a joint account (he's messed up his credit with so many banks, that would be the only way he could have a bank account!) and yes I know they would take his income tax return and he would have to file.
I think what makes me mad the most is that he has 3 other kids out there, and only one of them he is supporting - and he doesn't even know if THAT kid is his! 2 of them are in care so he doesn't support them the government does...
2 people like this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
sleazeball LOL that's the nicest word anyone has ever called him ;)
2 people like this
@allshookup (598)
• United States
4 Feb 07
I am so sorry--I don't want to offend your past judgements--but this girl's father is a sleazeball!
2 people like this
@janmar (115)
• United States
4 Feb 07
I think he should pay. Not for the same reason as everyone else though. You see, someday she is going to want to know about him. She is going to ask questions. If he is forced, right now, to face the music, then she will be able to judge him for herself as the years go by rather than blaming you for the lack of his presence, or wondering if her father didn't love her. It is torture for a child, to wonder and never know for sure. I know, I chose to tough it out on my own and now my son is dealing with the consequences of my pride. Fight for her, not the money.
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
Well no see I have kept the door open for him, and he is the one who has chosen not to open it, if you know what I mean.
And far as she's concerned, she calls my fiance daddy since he's raised her since she was a year and a half.
1 person likes this
@allshookup (598)
• United States
4 Feb 07
always a rotten road whichever way you go...
2 people like this
@janmar (115)
• United States
4 Feb 07
My son still calls my second husband dad. And I never outright told my ex that he couldn't come visit. I am just saying that you are the one available...you know? Like striking out at the ones you love because the real source of your anger isn't there? Im sorry, basically, I was just giving you another outlook. The choice is always yours to make and no easy one at that. Good luck in what ever course you take.
@lonewolfnan (4366)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
What a tough choice for you!!If you do go after him,he could make demands for rights to see his daughter(presuming the DNA shows her to be his offspring)which could cause you and her incredible stress and grief.
If you do decide to go after him for child support,an idea may be to sign an agreement with him that he put an amount of money into a college account for his daughter instead of giving you the money directly and in exchange he agrees to give up any future rights to the child?This would help alleviate some of the financial pressure on you while still making him take some responsibility for his child.
Anyway,it is just a thought.What ever you decide,I hope it goes well for you and your daughter.
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
Well I have soul custody (I went after that years ago and it cannot be changed!)
so if and when he wanted access, which it states in my court order, he would have to go through me, I have never ever denied him access to her, he's the one who choses not to take the access.
1 person likes this
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
I'd walk away. Because while obviously he should support his daughter, she shouldn't have to go through life feeling like her dad's a deadbeat. I think it'd be easier for her if he wasn't in her life at all.
1 person likes this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
Yup he's not in her life. He hasn't seen her, he hasn't helped me raise her, he doesn't phone on her birthday - hell he wasn't even there when she was born.
@MissGia (955)
• United States
4 Feb 07
I would suck it up and fight it out. He wants you to drop it cause he knows hes the dad and he simply doesnt want to pay. who cares if you dont know where he is, trust me the court system can find him. Even though he is not there, he still helped create your daughter and apparently you need the financial help..file for support. Yea it will take some time and will probably be emotional but if you want to better provide for your daughter...file for support. This is not about you, this is not about him..this is about your daughter and her well being.
So many men get away with not paying support out there,because they are simply deadbeats. Dont let this one get away with it cause of trivial reasons..thinka bout your daughter. How do you know he wont change his feelings when he finds out she is actually his??
@mousumi412 (62)
• India
4 Feb 07
I have read your post in myLot, and I have a feeling, you are a woman with lots of character, and nerves of steel. Only a woman can tell, who is the father of her child. This gentleman (should he be called a gentleman?), seems to be a coward, who wants to shirk his fatherly duties and responsibilities. I'm quite sure, your child, is not being deprived of the love and affection, deserved from you. If I may suggest you, please do not get depressed. You have the power, and you can fight it out. Maybe it is going to be hard for you initially, but believe me, you are going to be the winner in the end.
2 people like this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
Oh I know I am the winner in the end, because I am not the one missing out ... I am not the one ignoring this beautiful, talented little girl for their own selfish reasons...
1 person likes this
@dragonstar13 (1465)
• United States
4 Feb 07
This is an ugly road you are travelling. My niece went through the same thing, the father denied paternity, she had to go on assistance and therefore was required to pursue child support. Once it was proved he was the father and the court ordered child support, he got an attorney and sued for custody.
I guess what you need to decide for yourself now is what are you going to want for the rest of your childs life and how will she feel about you for the decision you make. Are you prepared financially to raise her without child support? For the next 14 years? When she is a teenager is she going to throw it in your face that you kept her away from her father? If something should happen to you, who will raise her; usually the courts will give the child to the father.
I know these aren't the answers you were looking for, just some things you should consider before making your decision.
I will share one more thing with you. When my children were just toddlers, I gave their father -- to whom I had been married, who acknowledged them as his children and whose name was on their birth certificates -- the option of not paying child support if he would get out of our lives. He refused, the court ordered the child support which he paid but after a few years he just walked away anyhow.
Each person, each situation is different. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
See thats the thing though, I have NEVER kept her away from him. Ask anyone i know, even though people have told me to close the door on him and cut him away, I have NEVER closed that door. So if and when she discovers my fiance is not her dad, I will tell her who the other half of her is, and I will give her the chance to seek him out.
I can afford to raise her on my own, but it would help if he DID help...
1 person likes this
@dragontester (570)
• Switzerland
4 Feb 07
Just a few points, ask yourself,
1) Do you really want support from him for your daughter's future? Are you in real need of it?
2) Or, are you doing it just because you feel that he has to pay for his deeds.
If the answer is point 1, then, sure, go ahead and fight it out and make him pay. But, if it is point 2, then, just drop the topic. I know that it feels bad, and that is a drastic understatement. But, drop the baggage that you are carrying. He was your bitter past. Think about the future. You have a wonderful fiance and a cute daughter. Think about your future life and move on. Everybody has to pay for their actions in this world. Your ex-guy would pay, but maybe not directly, but in some form or the other. So, just relax and move on with a smile:)
1 person likes this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
Thank you.
And no I don't need it, but it would help. And yeah I am going to move on, I don't feel like fighting the guy in court, because he would drag it out until the cows came home
@imsilver (1665)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
wow.. so my story.. well.. their dad admits to being their dad but he's so nowhere to be seen.. he's only been calling them for the past couple of weeks because he's in jail and on some program that puts 10$ on his phone card a week and there aren't many other people in the world that will talk to him... anyways.. social assistance did the same thing to me.. trying to get family maintenance involved and get some money from him for his kids.. I told both the SA worker and FM worker that for 5 years I watched him dodge them over payments for 2 older children and quit jobs as soon as they tracked him down that I didn't think it would be any different with these two and their really was no point in trying.. but they tried and turns out I was right... I have yet to see a cent out him.. so they warn me that his not paying any child support is no reason for me to withhold visitation from him.. umm.. excuse me.. your are talking about a man who ran into my sister at the park (with her girl and mine who are a week apart) and did not even RECOGNIZE his own daughter.. he has never expressed any interest in seeing them...
1 person likes this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
yup I know. He would if it came down to it paying for a child he never sees. I mean he comes out here to visit his ex wife but hes not made the effort to see my daughter.
@saralee1 (1983)
• United States
4 Feb 07
This guy is a real piece of work, you know? He is denying his own flesh and blood, and he needs to be arrested for that, it is criminal!
But, I want you to remember, this guy doesn't matter anymore, but your daughter does. This cretin guy is living it up atyour daughters expense, and is a real jerk! so, I would say, for your daughters sake, take this guy back to court, and don't ever give up. He has put you, and your family in emotional turmoil, and he needs to be helping out. His irresponsibility is not your fault!
make him pay for this!
(you might need to get angrier at this guy!!!)
but in the end, it will b worth it.
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
4 Feb 07
Well far as im concerned he should be paying for her. I know my daughter didn't ask to be born, but he's having a huge life and you know he should pay.
@birthlady (5609)
• United States
4 Feb 07
Will you be marrying? Will your fiance want to adopt your daughter? If your daugher considers your fiance her daddy, and if your fiance is willing to adopt your daughter, you may want to let it go with bio dad.
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
4 Feb 07
You are a very strong woman for even trying to fight him. My brother is just like your child's father. Except one thing, we didn't need a test to show that the two kids my parents were raising was his. Sometimes I just want to beat the crap out of him. It makes me so made that he whines and crys about having to give my mom a measly 60 bucks for his son, like that's going to do anything.
If your daughter see's your fiance as her father, and he see's her as his daughter, I would just let the dirt bag be. He will get his in a later time. I truly believe in Karma. I think if you go after him, this will make your daughter ask questions and wonder why she was never told that the man she saw as dad, really wasn't her father.
Best thing to do is sit down with your fiance and really talk this out. See what he has to say and vice versa.
Good Luck.
1 person likes this
