HELP!!!

United States
October 12, 2006 11:44pm CST
I have a 3 1/2 yr. old daughter, who is out of control. she does not listen talks back throws tantrums screams bloody murder till she gets what she wants and has a big attitude problem. i dont know what to do to change her ways. time outs dont work taking her toys away does not work turning off her television does not work and everything combined as punishment does not work i need help
4 people like this
72 responses
@prb4537 (44)
• United States
13 Oct 06
Have you ever thought she is doing all this stuff to get your attention? Maybe if you tried to ignore her when she is pitching a fit. When she calms down then give her attention and positive reinforcement that you are there for her. Then there is the old fashion was I know what my grandmother would have done she would have gotten her attention with a spanking... Not abuse but an attention getter.... Your daughter thinks she is the Queen of the house be presistant and you can de-throne the little Queen ... Thats the trick to be presistant and dont change up in the middle of any method that you try with her Hang in there
4 people like this
• India
19 Oct 06
i totally agree
1 person likes this
@beckaboo (347)
• United States
19 Oct 06
I agree. My mom told me to just go about my business and ignore my daughter and it works (well most of the time!!)
2 people like this
@xvandyx (121)
• United States
19 Oct 06
I AGREE completely. My sister in law is a good mother, she has a 3 1/2 yr old boy and he is OUT OF CONTROL. He talks back, curses and all that bad stuff. At first she would just ignore him and it didn't work at all...but then she started sending him to his room but he would just create more havoc by throwing things at the door. What really confused me was that she would yell at him, then ignored him and then like 2 mins later she would APOLOGIZE to him for being so mean to him. What the hell?? I mean isn't that confusing the child? If you choose to be persistant and assertive you should not turn back to being soft and cuddly with your child. That just makes the child think "Oh I can act up again because I know I will be punished but soon enough I will be hugged and kissed".
2 people like this
@vijay12 (1643)
• India
16 Oct 06
Bringing up children is not a joke.It requires patience and responsibility.I request you to be kind to and understanding with your daughter.While,it is easy for me to say this,who knows,we might have done similar things to our parents! Please do not punish her,with the methods mentioned by you.Accept her,show her love and affection. Patience,Love and affection can win over anybody,whether it is a child or a matured person. All the best!
• United States
18 Oct 06
But if you show them too much affection your giving in right? I mean, I'm not arguing, I feel you should show affection too, but there are times for that.. And during punishment is not one. They will feel they have won everytime if you're just as loving as can be, and they will continue throughout life right? Patiences is a virtue with children, and it's hard to find sometimes, but there is a time with a spankin' is not all that bad of a thing.
1 person likes this
@erielle (1281)
• United States
16 Oct 06
I understand what you are going through.I am a mother of one, and have handled situations like these with neices, nephews, and other children in the past. The first thing that you should do is relax. Stay calm, and don't let her get to you.I want you to understand that this is very normal, and is just a phase.Something that you may need to try is a positive aproach that I like to call "redirection". Redirection simply means to take your child away from the negative situation rather than punish her for it. When telling children to do something there are 3 rules that I go by. 1.Do not repeat yourself.Say the command once and only once. 2.Do not tag your commands with the words please followed by your child's name. 3.Redirect your child from the situation. Example: "Sally I want you to stop jumping on the couch" Sally: "No!" continues to jump. Pick the child up and take her outside. "Okay Sally, you can jump outside!" Laugh and have a good time with parenting.Do not think Discipline, think Teaching. Here some of my most visited parenting Links: http://posdis.org/ http://www.health.state.ok.us/program/mchecd/posdisc.html I really hope that helps!
• United States
17 Oct 06
See, to me, that just says, "hey if you jump on the couch we get to go outside and play" To me it seems like a reward. I don't see how that works. So if my kids color on the wall I reward them by doing a great art project with them. Seems like they would just color on the wall more to get to do more projects. When my kids jump on the couch they get sent to their room to play or they have to sit on the floor the rest of the day. And if the color on the wall (which they haven't done in months, thankfully) the crayons are taken away for a few days and they have to cleen the walls.
1 person likes this
@erielle (1281)
• United States
17 Oct 06
Well see your views are all wrong. You shouldn't view teaching a child as discipline. It is teaching, not discipline.If she has nothing to rebel against she wont do it. I knocked positive parenting when I first heard about it, but trust me, it works!
@erielle (1281)
• United States
17 Oct 06
Excuse me. I didn't mean to say your views were wrong. I really didn't. I don't know why I said that. What I meant was that you were viewing positive discipline all wrong! You are definitly not wrong as a parent. you do what works best for you!
@juls2me2 (2151)
• United States
13 Oct 06
I agree with the last post. Also might want to consider trying timeout chair. The spank on the butt is an attention getter during a fit and then place her in the time out chair. Let her know her behaviour is not appropriate and she has a 3-minute timeout...set a timer if you have one. Don't even have to talk to her if she gets out of the chair, Just keep putting her there and reset the timer. Don't givein and let her out OR it will be worse next time. When the timer dings. Talk to her briefly about what was inappropriate and ask her for an apology. Once she gives one. Start over as if nothing happened. Good luck....It's consistency for sure.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Oct 06
What do you do when that doesn't work. My kids are the same way. We used to have a "behaving chair." That is what the kids called the time out chair. But it caused more headaches then anything. It is easy to say just keep putting them back in the chair and resetting the timer. With my son (who is 5 now) it is impossible. He refuses to stay in the chair so I either have to physically hold him for his 5 minutes (meaning I sit in the chair with him in my lap holding him tightly so he doesn't wiggle free) or I spend at least an hour resetting the 5 minutes because he just walks away after 30 seconds. I have 3 other children I have to keep track of so I can't spend my entire time disiplining one of them.
1 person likes this
@juls2me2 (2151)
• United States
18 Oct 06
You mention having more than one child, that's a perfect setting to start a special time with the other kids for behaving. Maybe coloring time, reading time, not sure how old the other siblings are. It has to be different from the norm for your son to realize he's missing out. Maybe that'll help shorten his difiance time. Well, the Supernanny says endure however amount of time that it takes for your son to realize you're not going to give in. Unfortunately, he knows you will give in and he's punishing YOU once you sit with him or stop the consistency. For me, after the 1st few times of him getting up...I'd spank his rear and look in his eyes calmly but stern and say,"that's not acceptable, you need to stay in your chair until the timer dings and I come to get you out of your chair and then we'll start over...or he can participate in the special activity with the others" repeat that a couple times and then don't speak to him at all, but keep putting him back in the chair and a firm spank on the rear every once in awhile if its a lengthy time. What is happening is.....he's controlling you. You're the Mom. I KNOW...its drudgery doing it, but once you've proven your consistency and you don't back down and give into the tantrums or bad behavior....your son will realize you mean business. The benefit of consistency is he'll learn there are consequences for bad behavior and good consequences for good behavior. Just remember, when you feel you can't take any more.....Hang In There....Your son is feeling the same way and is probably close to obeying. Each time will get shorter and shorter...believe me. It does work. When you Give In....IT WILL BE 10 times Worse the next time, because the child knows how far he needs to go to get His way. This is for his own good, to know there are boundaries and consequences in life. Good luck to you. My mom had 5 of us kids(3girls/2boys) and it never seemed like she ever hated it or dreaded any of us. Her secret was a lot of prayer, routine, patience, and consistency with discipline. I remember being put in my room for timeouts....lots of times and my attitude would change the quicker I wanted to be apart of something.
• United States
1 Nov 06
On time I did follow through with him. I had seen on the nanny show that if they come out of their rooms at night to quietly put them back in each time and eventually they will get it. I did that every single minute for 2 hours one night. He thought it was a game. Eventually I just stood outside the door and each time he opened it I walked him back to his bed. Of course while I was standing outside his door the 2 girls were playing in their room but I couldn't leave his door or he ran for the living room. After the 2 hours (might have been a little longer) I was exhausted and in tears and just spanked him and told him if he opened the door again I was smacking his hand. After getting his hand smacked 3 times he went to bed. I'm sure those nannies would have freaked if they saw that. I am happy to say that all of a sudden he has decided to stay in the corner for his time outs. Just last month I was having to hold him for at least half of the time and now he will stand there the whole 5 minutes. He does ask how much time he has left about every 30 seconds but at least I don't have to spend 5 minutes holding him there.
@Karinne (1223)
• Australia
17 Oct 06
ok i have a daughter who has just turned 5. She seems to regressed a bit and the timeouts just don't seem to work and she still has her tantrums and i just put her in the room and tell her she can come out when she's feeling better. However i am starting a rewards thing. On the first day i started this i brought a fredo frog that had smarties in, but my daughter wasn't behaving and explained to her she wasn't have it until she behaved and she was naughty so i took her favourite toys away for a day. She soon tried to be good to get the fredo and her toys back! I'm now going to buy a little something each week and she has to put stickers on a chart so she sees when she's good and if she gets all the stickers for the week she gets her reward. Now you need perserverance but it will work. Just thought my idea might help you too! Good Luck!!! :)
• United States
17 Oct 06
I wish that worked on my daughter. It works for my other two kids and used to work with my oldest daughter. Now she just demands to get whatever it is she wants and if she doesn't get it she just keeps on throwing a tantrum (these can last all day long). And of course the other two get the treat because they work hard to behave and get whatever it is. That just makes my daughter even more mad because she doesn't think it is fair for her to not get it. She is even getting sneaky about things. If the chore is to clean up their rooms (and I mean just straighten it up so every toy isn't on the floor and clothes are picked up) she will convince her little sister to do it all for her while she sits in bed and watches or reads then expects to get the treat. Which doesn't work for me because she didn't earn it.
• Canada
17 Oct 06
i tryed to use the sticker thing withmy 3 year old while potty training but when she didn't get a sticker she ripped it in half
@Karinne (1223)
• Australia
17 Oct 06
How about when it's time to clean up play beat the buzzer. Allow enough time for her to clean up and she will get a treat before the buzzers gone off. My friend and i do that with our little ones, i don't have a buzzer though so it's beat the microwave for me!!! hehe. You got to show them whos the boss and they don't rule the roost and you have to put your foot down. If she has a tantrum send her to her room let her see it doesn't bother you it's only bothering her and if she crys and carries on tell her you'll shut the door you don't want to hear it. I brought my daughter a My Little Pony last night and showed her if shes good for the whole week and explained to her what is expected of her and what she can't do, she will earn a sticker for the day and at the end of the week she will get the pony - she's loves the My Little Pony stuff. And last night she said i've been good mummy can i have a sticker and i said well lets see how you go to bed and i will give you one. And as for getting her little sister to do stuff and try and get a reward for it still - reward the smallest one for doing it even though she wasn't to do it. Might put a stop to her. Just be positive and hang in there. And don't give in to them!!! Good luck! :)
• United States
17 Oct 06
I feel for you. My oldest daugher was/is the same way. When she hit three all of a sudden she became a terror and I'm sad to say nothing has changed in the last 3 years. If anything she is worse. She screams at everyone, she insists she get her way or it isn't fair, she throws tantrums, hits her brother and sister, talks back,etc. There is no way to punish her. She just doesn't care about anything. I have taken every toy she has. It made no difference, she just played with her brother and sister's toys. So I took those too (even though it was unfair to the other two since they did nothing wrong). It made no difference, they just played with each other. I can't keep them apart. The 2 girls share a room. I took the TV away. I took her favorite thing in the world--crayons--away. I have taken meals away. I have spanked, I have tried time-outs. She doesn't care. She would rather sit in her bed the entire day then pick up her toys and has done it weeks at a time. We never go outside because the house rule is they must pick up their rooms before we go outside and she refuses to pick up so no one gets to go (I can't leave her alone in the house).
• United States
18 Oct 06
4monsters4me, Hey I have a 3 year old and when she acts the way your little girl acts she sits with her face facing the wall and if the other kids want to go outside she sits facing the wall untill she strightens up her act and she has sat for along time before.
• United States
18 Oct 06
But I can't watch her in the corner if I am outside with the other kids. The other kids can NOT go outside alone. We don't have a fenced yard and they are only 5 and 4. And if I take them outside then the other one will either follow us down the stairs screaming or she goes off and watches TV while I'm not there. At least I don't have to physically hold her in the corner like my son. He won't stay more then a few seconds in the corner.
@bhchy1 (6052)
• United States
15 Oct 06
Have you considered having her evaluated by a psychologist? She could have a any number of childhood mental health disorders..not to scare you...They are all treatable but if left undiagnoses will only get worse..
• United States
17 Oct 06
Your so right on this one. I had not taken my daughtet in for help. I thought it was just kid stuff. I did it all to stop it nothing worked. She would ask me to give her a beating to get out of punishment. She has adhd and is a sweet angel now. she ha therapy and social workers and we both love it.
• United States
1 Nov 06
This is what I was going to say. Take her in to get evaluated. She might need a professional's help!
@deebomb (15322)
• United States
31 Oct 06
When My Daughter was about 3 years old She Started having temper tantrums. Nothing seamed to stop her. One day I had a glass of cold water in my hand and with out thinking I threw it on her. It stopped the tantrum. I did this about 3 times. And then I would ask her if she wanted me to get the water and she said no and about the third time was the end of it. It doesn’t have to be cold water. Its just the shock of the water that stopped her.
• United States
1 Nov 06
That's a really good idea and less painful than a belt (my idea)!!
• United States
19 Oct 06
two words: time out. sit her in a corner,tell her why she's there, and tell her to stay there until you tell her she can move. if she disobeys you and moves, pick her up and put her back in the corner. she'll get the idea.
@MySpot (2602)
• United States
19 Oct 06
Time-outs never helped with my kids... I would spend the whole time forcing them to stay put and they were so busy trying to fight it and being angry with me that they don't make the connection or use that time to think about what got them there in the first place. Maybe it works for others???
@fatpixie (101)
• South Africa
19 Oct 06
I have a 3 year old myself, a little boy. He was the same until a few months back. I believe that a routine is essential in a childs upbringing. He knows that when he gets home, that he must clean his bag and put his clothes in the washing hamper. He helps me wash dishes and put the washing in the washing machine. He eats his supper, takes his plate to the kitchen and then he has a bath and then I read him a story and he goes to sleep. He needs attention, but positive attention, he loves helping me and in that way he gets recognition in a positive way. When he does start throwing a tantrum, I put him in his room and let him know why he's going there. I say things like: we are trying to have a conversation and you are not being nice, when you are ready to speak nicely, then you can come out, I also say: that behaviour is not acceptable here, please go to your room until you can play nicely. I have found that the screaming, smacking (constant) etc, was giving him attention in a negative way. How can we expect our children to respect us when we are not showing respect.
@fatpixie (101)
• South Africa
19 Oct 06
My monster!!!
• United States
17 Oct 06
Part of it is a phase, but my advice that worked for me was to ignore the tantrums, not to give any response at all. It shows them that bad behavior will not get them any attention. Also, when you make rules, always stick to them, never give in and you will see that it will fade over time.
@erielle (1281)
• United States
17 Oct 06
I agree with Cuddlebug. Do not give negative attention many responses. Well, enough to teach her what she really is supposed to be doing, but give positive actions more attention.
@kikiss (431)
• Australia
17 Oct 06
sometimes to give her slap and taking control over the situation might help ,she just need some dicipline and tough love.
@zubair439 (3185)
• India
19 Oct 06
yes i agree....u hav to do that in order to keep ur child in control.
@pontgtp (970)
• United States
15 Oct 06
turn her in for a new one, or just get a refund
• United States
23 Oct 06
Hehehe, I have tried this one...mine keeps coming back!!!
• India
1 Nov 06
i think you know the answers , you have to continue with them it is only beacuse she feels that she will be pampered with that she continues.
• United States
1 Nov 06
Call Supernanny! If that doesn't work, grab a belt!
@Lshauna1 (216)
• United States
31 Oct 06
Well you know you really need to let her know who is the boss. When she acts up or tantrums and she wants something don't give it to her let her know why she can nopt have it. Let her cry until she gets sleepy. That will let her know that things can not go her way all the time. Do time out. Don't let her watch cartoons if/when she throws tantrums.
@daphne009 (301)
• United States
23 Oct 06
Maybe you should try going on the doctor phil show??
• United States
23 Oct 06
I have a 7 year old that does the same thing. What she wants is your attention. I have tried the time out chair so she can just sit and think about why she is acting out. Then if she gets up just put her back. You need to have consistancy. If you say no to whatever then you have to stick by it. If you give in then she will do this all the time to get what she wants. She is testing your boundries to see what she can get away with and what she can't. So if you are consistant when you punish her and with what you let her get away with then sooner or later it will stop. It's gonna be hard but if you stick by it, it will work.
• Philippines
23 Oct 06
Let your daughter see a doctor..:)
• United States
23 Oct 06
I fell that 99% of all children throw tantrums. So I made this rule that if they want to throw there tantrums that they have to go to there room to do it. At first it seemed to worst but I would do everyhting in my power to not let it bother me. Even if it means walking outside so that I do not here it. Now my kids know that they have to go to there room first. When they get made they will hold it in go to there room and throw there tantrums and then come back out there tantrums have whent from lasting ten minutes to under a minute. just because they do not want to go to there room.