A serious dilemna created by yours truly!

@mixey62 (305)
United States
February 13, 2007 11:44pm CST
Okay, I know I've done a very bad thing. My boyfriend left his email open and I am a spy--- and saw a message with some pictures from a girl's name I didn't recognize. Turns out, after cross-referencing his "sent-mail" folder- that he had been talking to (and flirting with) his ex- high school girlfriend via email! This was a few months ago when our relationship had hit a rough patch. I'm so pissed off I want to throw things- but I know that I was wrong to read his email in the first place. We seem to be fine now in our relationship- but I am not one that can hide my feelings. What should I do? What would you do or have you done in a similar situation? You know- I should learn from my friends that have learned horrible things about the men they date by spying on them. But now that I know, I am so very angry!!! Help- please!
14 people like this
53 responses
@lauriefnp (5113)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Well, what's done is done. You can't pretend that you don't know, because it will eat you up inside. You're going to have to find a way to discuss this with him and to explain how you happened to be reading his e-mail. He's likely to feel that you have invaded his privacy, and he's right. Either way, the fact of the matter is that he was corresponding with his ex; Is he still e-mailing her? I'm sure you'll want to know if he's had any other contact with her. Approach it in a non-threatening way. Make sure that he realizes that you know this happened when you were going through a rough time in your relationship, but that you wish he had dealt with your relationship problems in a different way, such as discussing things with you. Tell him that you want to work things out (if you do), but make it very clear what you feel is acceptable and what you won't tolerate. The issue of spying on him will likely come up, and I'm sure that will lead to a discussion about trust. This is a rough situation, but if handled delicately you may both come to know and understand each other better and your relationship may actually become stronger. Good Luck!
6 people like this
@mixey62 (305)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Thanks- hopefully the anger will subside enough so that I can act like a normal person (as you described above). Good advice, thanks for responding.
1 person likes this
• India
14 Feb 07
i know it must make u feel mad at him n wanna punch or knock him down...but maybe u r reading too much into harmless flirting. ppl do indulge into harmless flirting sometimes especially when they r facing a rough patch in the existing relationship thts their way of reassessing their relationship to see if they have made a mistake by committing into it or not. now the QUESTION - HOW TO SOLVE IT.? DO NOT GO N ASK him straight away as it wud feel like more of accusing. instead just casually pick up the topic abt how he felt or wat u were going thru when u were facing the hard time. make him tell abt tht girl. be smart to hit it right like if u think he's not comin out with it then say i met a old friend recently n i had a talk with him/her n t was helpful i cud see where we were goin wrong or something like tht . men can be silly n speak out instantly. mostly put the ball in his court n make him do the talkin more. but make sure u dont get angry at any point of time. also dont forget to mention in the end tht u r thankfu tht all bad feelings is under the bridge. n if he does mention the girl be like cool! do introduce me to her .... n if he says she helped in suggestion say u want to thank her. if he says he just met her... tease him n flirt with him n tell him u wanna see the gal just to see how his ex was. but if u already know her then say oh thts nice i wud like to spak to her too or something smart n jump right in.... if his ex n he have anything brewing trust me the best way to diffuse is to be sugary sweet enough to give diabetics. BUT IF HE DOESNT mention her n drop the topic. n i wud say look out more on him may be make a fake id n chat with him as someone else n see wat he talks if he's a pig or not. then u cud decide n whether to dump him or not.
4 people like this
• India
15 Feb 07
hey nice suggeston...this way it wont evn creat much of problem...but the thing by fake id...she shouldnt feel guilty about it...
• Canada
14 Feb 07
that's the moral of the story, always remember, what you don't know won't hurt you.
2 people like this
@mixey62 (305)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Don't I know it.... That and "curiousity killed the cat".
1 person likes this
• India
15 Feb 07
yup...what you dont know wont hurt you is good till you dont know things...but when u do come to know it...it really must be very awkward for you.....i think you should havew a talk with him but not now first coll yourself out...becuase if you are angry he'll take it in someother way...and it might lead to a biggy fight...just stay calm...and then ask him...
@talisman (1308)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Talk to him. Tell him what you saw, but DO NOT accuse him of anything. That's very, very important.
2 people like this
@mixey62 (305)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Thanks- I may have to wait until I'm not as angry :).
2 people like this
@rmuxagirl (7570)
• United States
14 Feb 07
I agree don't accuse him of anything, but say he left his email open and ask who the girl is. You are with him now so you have every right to ask.
• United States
14 Feb 07
I was recently in a similar situation myself. The only difference is that I have my fiance's password so when I was on his myspace and saw a girl I knew was not my friend but was a friend of a girl I had been having problems with I got concerned and looked at his messages. The girl had made comments like "I just had to meet you and talk to you". I was incredibly offended so I told her to back off and leave him alone. She then told him what I did and he got mad. When I explained to him what happened and why I did that he was very understanding. Talk to him, tell him what you saw. Clearly its not your fault if he is the one who left it up. I hope things work out for you
2 people like this
@mixey62 (305)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Yes, I considered sending a b*tchy email to the girl, but decided after seeing pictures of her that I couldn't be objective and I would just end up making fun of her double chin (not very mature- I know). I talked to him this morning. He was not impressed with the fact that I was "digging", and he was completely aloof to the fact that he was out of line in his conversation (he is pretty aloof to flirting most of the time- so this does not suprise me too much). He was pretty understanding to my feelings otherwise, but I don't really know if any good was accomplished here. Now he thinks I'm searching for information to sabatoge our relationship, when really I was just curious to begin with. I guess this one will probably work itself out with time.
@gianena (256)
• Philippines
14 Feb 07
I understand how you feel. Sometimes, we're so curious about everything that finding or knowing the truth can hurt us. I can't judge you or your boyfriend and all I can advise is you try talking to him but don't ask right away about the e-mails. He might get angry because you invaded his privacy. Talk about something related to it then you can insert the BIG QUESTION. I know it's so easy for me to say that but it's the right thing to do. In my case, I would want to know the truth than being lied at. Being lied at is really an insult for me. I hope you and your bf can talk about this issue. Take care..;)
2 people like this
@mixey62 (305)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Thanks.... Hopefully this will work itself out. I'm just really angry right now, so will have to avoid him until I can act like a rational person again :).
@bkfuels (1606)
• Canada
14 Feb 07
I would come right out and ask him. Best to know what kind of person you are involved with soon then going on with something that probably will not last.
@mixey62 (305)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Oops- I left that out of my initial description. We've been together for three years and live together.... That makes things a bit messier.
@Michele21 (3095)
• United States
14 Feb 07
I would have to say something, start by saying that you are sorry for looking through his e-mails and then ask what the e-mails mean to him. If they were him just getting attention from her and if there wasn't anything bad in the e-mails forgive him, if he says it was wrong to be talking to her. I would have done the same thing, I am really nosey =) Just be sure and tell him you are sorry, but make sure he is sorry for e-mailing an ex and not telling you about it. Tell him that you are mad but try not to yell and accuse him of things, let him explain. Good luck!!
2 people like this
@krysy1982 (1042)
• United States
14 Feb 07
All you can do is talk to him about it and be honest. If not it will just eat you up inside. I hope everything works out ok.
2 people like this
@brew2x (3096)
• Philippines
14 Feb 07
You need to talk to him. You can't pretend not to know about that. As time goes by, your doubt will get the worst of you. Tell him the truth, be calm, don't start a fight.
2 people like this
@opinder (423)
• India
14 Feb 07
i can understand how you feel. reading his mail surely does not put you in a good spot. you can casually mention the girl if he has ever told you about his past. try to calm yourself. flirting isn't harful always. if you still feel uneasy.....confront him with it. there has to be honesty involved in a relationship. all the best!
@maddysmommy (16243)
• United States
14 Feb 07
I've been there and done that too. I'm not proud that I did it but it happened and I'm glad it did because i think it would of led to something more than just playful banter emails. I confronted him about it (not calmly I might add) and he told me it was nothing, just a bit of fun with a work colleage - his words "playful banter". I still think there was something there, but not enough to ruin what we have now. I think it was a wake up call for me in terms of spending more time with him and doing a lot more things together. I was spending a lot of time out with my friends, and was involved in a lot of work activites and hardly had time for him, and i think he found solace with another work mate. I am glad we were able to get past it and I'm sure you will too.
@mixey62 (305)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Thanks for the well wishes. I did talk to him, and it didn't go fantastically. He maintained that he wasn't flirting and that I was digging to find things wrong to sabotage our relationship with. Oh well. Guess time will work this one out. The good news is she lives in Florida- us in Mass, so I'm not physically dealing with it. Just mentally. He did agree not to talk to her anymore since it upset me so much which is nice. I feel bad that I was spying and he definitely isn't impressed with me right now. Oh well.
• United States
14 Feb 07
I don't think you would of done it if there wasn't a gut feeling within you already that you need to recognize. Maybe he left it open on purpose and is just too chicken to end things himself. Many guys prefer to pick an argument so you end it, they don't like confrontation. Maybe you could forgive him if it only happened while you two were in trouble, but he is still doing it. Sooner or later you know where it will lead if it hasn't already. There are internet resources to guide you what to look for if you think your S.O. is cheating. I can't remember them all, but you may want to do some research. Does he hide his phone or keep it with him all the time so you can't see who has been calling, or change his clothes when he gets home because he is afraid you'll smell her? You may want to examine these signs and remember if he is cheating he will do it again.
@mixey62 (305)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Good tips- but this is not the case. I found out she lives in Florida (us MA) and he does not travel so that ends the physical suspicion aspect. She did call once back when we were fighting a few months ago and he didn't try to hide it. I flew off the handle and called her every word in the book. He pretended that they are just "old pals". I think I know better- I should've trusted my intuition then and there and let him know how I felt. But I backed down, and now am even more pissed that I didn't do anything then and there.
@icebucks (127)
• Philippines
14 Feb 07
I dont know what is wrong him flirting or you reading his mails. I think his the one wrong here... a lot of relationship had been made in the net, and a lot of relationship is broken due to net too. I think there something there! You better talk to him.. clear things...
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Feb 07
I agree..he's breaking some serious relationship rules flirting with this person behind your back. I'd bring her up...not accusing him of anything and see if he says anything. If he doesnt cop up to what he's done, call him out on it. Granted, you may have snooped but its not like you broke into his email. It was there to be seen.
@Jasmijn (145)
• Belgium
14 Feb 07
If you're bad at hiding your feelings, talk about it to him before he has to drag it out of you because he notices something's wrong, and that'd give a bad impression.
1 person likes this
@Jasmijn (145)
• Belgium
14 Feb 07
Talk to him about it. Maybe he'll be angry first that you looked, but normally people don't break up for things like that if they don't already want out. Most people would be curious about other girls their boyfriend talks to, that's only natural I think.
1 person likes this
@cheenlly (3485)
• Philippines
14 Feb 07
well i guess you learned from that. your the only one hurting yourself. so it was done already and your angry thats normal because it hurts. just control your emotion and talk to him nicely about what you read , not accusing him but heart to heart talk with him. maybe everything will be settle and you will feel at peace in mind and heart.
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
14 Feb 07
Well, that depends on several things. First, is he still flirting with her now that things are "fine between you two"? And second, are you angry that he flirted or that you looked? Alot of marriages and couples have been ruined b/c ppl don't take flirting on the net seriously. You have to ask yourself what you can live with and what you can't. If its upset you so much, confront him and let him know what you found. I'd look at it like this...if he didn't fool around, there wouldn't be anything for him to hide.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 07
I would tell him what you saw. He should not be hiding stuff form you, and he should not be flirting with his ex either. Flirting leads to cheating. Is he still talking to her? Or did this end after your rough patch?
@emarie (5455)
• United States
14 Feb 07
well first off, admit to him you peeked at his email since he left it open. hopfully he shouldn't get mad, it was partially his fault as well for not deleting the messages when you guys got back together. anyway, ask him about the emails. if he has nothing to hide he will tell you all about them. tell him this isn't going to effect your relationship as long as he's honest with you. you should never keep secret from your partner because you may lose their trust
1 person likes this