Serious request for advice.

@Myrrdin (3601)
Canada
February 14, 2007 8:21am CST
Last night I had a fight with my future exwife's boyfriend. It started because my wife demanded I lend her the van during the day today so she could take him to a doctors appointment, I told her I did not have to do her boyfriend any F'ing favours and he told me to watch my language (we were at the neighbours house), I told him to mind his own business and he told me to respect the rules of the house. I pointed out that since I asked him repeatedly to keep his crap out of my house he had no right to speak since he still had alot of stuff there, he said that my rules didn't matter only my wife had that right. At that point I decided enough was enough and started to walk away when he said sure she (meaning my wife) could do me a favor by comming home early to watch our daughter so I could go out with my girlfriend (and I was doing that, but it had been discussed a while ago) but I couldn't do a favor for her. I couldn't take that so I came back and yelled at him that it was not a favour for my wife to watch her own child, and that he could mind his own f'ing business. I also told him that she had been screwing around long before we got separated while I didn't get involved with anyone until after the separation. At this point I am yelling at him but I am several feet away from him, he jumps up and starts hitting me then grabs me by my throat and throws me against the wall puts me in kind of a half nelson and starts punching me in the head. At this point I am just blocking punches and trying not to get even angrier. Finally the neighbour steps in and tells this punk that he is out of line, I leave and my wife comes home yelling at me for starting it and claiming that I pushed her boyfriend and that he started fighting only because I hit him first. Meanwhile I know that even this punk boy has admitted that he was just angry that I was yelling at him and jumped me. I have been extremely understanding and forgiving of this woman, I had given her until the end of June to leave the house. Sure I haven't been the most pleasant person to her, but what does she expect, I never yelled at her, I never called her names (ok once I called her the B word, but we were arguing at the time and she was calling me all sorts of names). I did not call the police, but I was really tempted to, and at one point my wife told me she was not comming home so that I could go out that night and I told her that if she didn't I would call the cops on him and that if she didn't want her boyfriend to spend the night in jail she would damn well get back. She told me that she would tell the cops that her weed in the house was mine and that she would make sure I got charged with it. She did end up comming home and then made all nice saying that she didn't want this to happen and I told her that next time she should keep her legs closed and I left. I am so angry, and hurt I am not sure what to do. I am tempted to take her to court and make sure she never sees our daughter again as long as she is with this punk, but I don't want to use our daughter as a pawn.
8 people like this
25 responses
• United States
14 Feb 07
what she is doing is wrong and it would be horrible for you to use your daughter as a pawn she is a innocent victim in this and you shouldnt use her as leverage. Go ahead and evict her form the house just got to magistrate and get a eviciton notice and give her 30 days Unlessw a court gave her to June. Or you can get a restraining order against the boyfriend so at least it wouldnt be in your face with him coming over etc..... most important dont use daughter as a pawn but if you have genuine fear for your daughter to be there with him and her then ask a judge that he not be present during the visitation and you will have to not let your girlfriend around her either. (when you set limitations it goes for both) hope all works out
3 people like this
@Myrrdin (3601)
• Canada
14 Feb 07
I honestly don't know if it is my shock at being assaulted by the punk or if it is just an actual fear that he might do something like that to my daughter that makes me think that I should try to make sure he is never around her. I guess I will have to calm down some more before I make that determination.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 07
Just keep an open mind for now, and always ask your daughter "how was your visit with mom?" Keep communication open, but don't "interrogate". If there hasn't been an issue with how he treats your daughter, if in fact he's actually been around her without you present, I would recommend just being observant and aware. Things will work out.
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
14 Feb 07
I am going to sound really harsh here...but I think you want honest opinions. If she is the one leaving your home, you pack her stuff up, change the locks on the door, and have her go stay with her boyfriend. Do noe let her say anything to the daughter, and all the daughter needs to know is mom is taking a little vacation. File a report with the police, if you still can or get a restraining order against the boyfriend. No reason you should ever have to talk to him. If her weed is in the house you flush it. Don't listen to nany guff about it beng hers, just get rid of it, she's on her own with that now. I know this is erally harsh but I am not one tomince words and I don't think anyone should take alot of bs, regardless of their gender. Set things up so she has to fight for everything she is assuming is her right when it comes to the marital property and your child. Be sure to request her visitation be supervised so she can't talk bad about you to your child wihtout being overheard. As you read this pay attention to how you are feeling. If the ideas make you feel good, but not unreasonably vengeful, start making things happen.
• United States
14 Feb 07
Im so sorry your going through this. they are not mature at all. It seems like she needs extreme help and that he is severly jealous of you trying to pick fights and make you look bad because of that. I would just walk away from now on when that starts and if he hits you again or she does. Yes call the police. Nobody has the right to lay hands on another and if they are able to do this im scared for your daughter. ((please take care))
2 people like this
@Myrrdin (3601)
• Canada
14 Feb 07
Yes she definatly needs help. She has chronic depression and she is a pot head. The problem is the only thing she discussed with her doctor of late is getting an IUD to make sure she doesn't get pregnant in the future, and she wants my health plan to cover the costs. And people wonder why I am bitter at her LOL.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Feb 07
The simple answer is to take away her power. She and he both have obviously become quite aware of how to get under your skin. Your reactions only empowers their actions and, they will continue to provoke you for as long as they know it "eats at you". I have filtered these kinds of provocations out of my life (including an ex-husband who also found it quite amusing to get under my skin) by, keeping conversations short an impersonal. For example, should he have asked to me to use my vehicle, I would have said "sorry, wish I could help but I've got other plans"..and then "I can't now I'm busy" then walk away or hang up the phone. It sounds like it would be in your wifes nature to reply with asking "what are your plans?" or something along those lines but, if you really want to put a damper on the power she thinks she has then it would be necessary for you to reply with "Thats irrelevant, Bye". Just keep things short and sweet. Have her move out immediately and focus on getting sole or joint custody of your daughter. You can always ask for supervised visitation whenever the boyfriend is going to be around your daughter. If he has a record it shouldn't be that difficult to get to the evidence from the police departments records. The bottom line is she doesn't know where this relationship she's in is going, and she wants and probably even thinks, that she's got you hooked, just in case. It's time to detach as much as possible and only meet at a "common area" when exchanging visitation at least until emotions are less raw. A simple Hi, Bye, and what time next week..should do just fine.
2 people like this
@BlackBay (584)
• Canada
14 Feb 07
First I would pack her stuff and tell to come pick it up your out of the house.Second I would report the assault and then file restrainig order on your behalf and your daughters. You fear for your daughters safety when he's around your daughter,he has a criminal record and his character is in question. I wish you luck with your situation!:)
2 people like this
• United States
14 Feb 07
aRE SHE IS A GOOD MOTHER?, tHAT IS THE FIRST QUESTION YOU SHOULD ASK YOU SELF. yOU DAUGTHER DOESN'T DISERVE TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF SITUATIONS LIKE THIS. iT SOUNDS LIKE YOU REALLY HURT AND YOU ARE TRYING TO GET EVEN WITH YOUR WIFE. kNOW IF SHE DOESN'T CARE AND SHE IS AN UNFIT MOTHER, THE BEST THING IS FOR YOU TO KEEP THE CUSTODY OF YOUR DAUGTHER. tRY TO STAY AWAY FROM ANY SITUATIONS THAT WILL JEPERDY YOUR FREEDOM, ITS HER LOST NOT YOURS, JUST REMEMBER THAT. yOU'LL HAVE TIME FOR LOVE, AND FUN AFTER YOU DAUGTHER RISH AN AGE THAT SHE WON'T NEED YOU AS MUCH AS SHE DOES NOW. rEMEMBER THAT A CHILD IS WHAT THEY LEAR. rIGHT KNOW YOUR ONLY CONCERN SHOULD BE YOUR DAUGTHER.
2 people like this
• United States
14 Feb 07
Whatever you do DON'T go to court and take your daughter's mother away from you, I understand you are angry but your daughter needs her in her life, actually she needs both of you in her life and she needs you NOT to be arguing. Relationships don't always end in the best of manners but they do end and when they do we need to not involve others in your affairs. With that said, you should find it in your heart (especially for your daughter) not to argue with your wife, she has obviously moved on and you will too, as far as her boyfriend goes I would ignore him, seems he will get what is coming to him with her in her life, what goes around comes around. Take care.
2 people like this
@Marie2473 (8521)
• Sweden
14 Feb 07
this is really not a good situation and I would be really concerned about leaving my daughter with him at all, and withj your ex as well since she obviously smokes weed as well. I am sure that she loves her daughter and maybe that is the way for you to approach her. Get her alone (without him) and have a serious talk. i mean there shouldd be some respect left between you coz u had to have some good times and u also have a wonderful child together. Just try to reason with her, without raising your voice or getting angry - coz you really need to find a solution to this problem. I do understand that u are angry and that u probably wanna do some bad things to the guy =) But if u think about it, that will not solve anything either... I wish you the best of luc - keep us updated!
2 people like this
• Canada
14 Feb 07
I truly understand where your coming from. You ex is seriously trying to take advantage of your generosity, I admire your candor. Though it is tempting to use children as pawns in the "battle of hearts". Your efforts will be much better served reassuring your daughter that things will be okay, you have to remember that in the end you will forget the velocity of the fights, the harsh things spoken back and forth. Yet you will never forget nor will your daughter forgive being used. Being civil, and bending a little more than you wish to (within reason) is what will make this transition easier on your daughter. Right now it isn't about how you feel, or how your ex feels, it is about how your daughter See's how mommy and daddy interact. Children internalise everything, and if all she See's is constant bickering, and yelling back and forth about her it wont make loved it will make her feel as though this is her fault somehow. My advice is this... being the better man isn't just about walking away, it si about how you handle yourself in the heat of the moment. Try to act always as if your daughter is sitting on your shoulder, let her be your voice of reason.
@nicolec (2673)
• United States
14 Feb 07
You said you were at a neighbor's house with this guy. It seems to me that you need to do your best not to be around him at all. If you are some where and he is there, leave imediatly. I'm sure you want to drive an ice pick through his nose, but resist the urge and walk away. Safety for your daughter should be utmost. Let's say your wife does come home to watch the daughter so you can go out, that doesn't mean he won't be there too. And yes, you are right, it should never be considered a favor to have a mother watch their child. At this point, you need to explain to the girlfriend that she will have to come over or your dates will have to be on hold. At least until the wife is out of the house. It's a sticky situation and one I have never been in. But to me it seems less time with the wife/boyfriend and more time with the daughter.
1 person likes this
@Myrrdin (3601)
• Canada
14 Feb 07
I was at the neighbours house only because my wife refused to bring our daughter home and made me come pick her up instead. Personally I would be quite happy if we were never in the same room again, but I think my wife has been trying to engineer this fight for sometime trying to put us in the same room together as much as possible. To be clear I go out at the most twice a week, no more than that, ever other day my wife is out. And 99% of the time it is after my daughter is in bed, due to the weather I wanted to head out early yesterday. I do spend as much time as possible with my daughter as well.
@nicolec (2673)
• United States
14 Feb 07
After reading that little bit about thinking the wife was trying to get you in the same room, makes me think one thing. She is trying to make you jealous. Oh, women love it. Women love to see men fight over them. So possibly this is what she did want. Or maybe more. It doesn't mean she wants to be back with you, but perhaps wants to see you hurt. Revenge hath no furry like a woman scorned. Even though you were the one scorned because she likes her ankles behind her head a little too much. But she probably doesn't see it that way.
1 person likes this
@pudgles (414)
• United States
14 Feb 07
First off, I sympathize for you. Second, my brother went through something similiar. We were always taught that it takes more of a man to walk away from a fight than it is to contribute to it. Don't let her or him get the best of you. Think of your daughter, it won't do any good if both of the parents were in trouble with the law, nor does it do her any good if her parents are constantly fighting, You don't want her to grow up thinking that is love do you? Your wife and her boyfriend is definitely in the wrong, you arent. They shouldn't of asked to use your vehicle for any reason, if they are getting together, they should rely on themselves and not an ex or soon to be. That is totally wrong. And she shouldn't be doing anything at this point until you both are completely divorced for right now its adultry and she would lose in court. I would put a complaint on the record though, so if this ever does go to court, it doesn't come back on you like it did to my brother. Also, as for the pot, get it out, doesn't matter whos it is, you both would go to jail for it as well as lose your daughter to the state. Once you lose her, it is really hard to get her back. Never use your daughter as a pawn or anything,,,she is innocent in this and you want her to have a happy childhood, not a bitter one. I pray I was a bit helpful..Have a good day.
1 person likes this
@Myrrdin (3601)
• Canada
14 Feb 07
Thanks for your comments. I have been debating putting in a police report. Where I am Adultery is very hard to prove, the courts generally require hard proof not just evidence, as in hiring a private investigator and all that. Even pictures aren't generally accepted. As for it coming back on me, considering I never laid a hand on him, even as he was hitting me, I can't see how it possibly could come back on me. What I meant about the using my daughter as a pawn is that I think it might be in her best interests not to be around this guy, but my wife is generally a good mother with the exception of a pot addiction which she had been keeping it away from my daughter, I don't know that she still is though. The pot is one of many things that have to leave my house ASAP. I will be giving her a list of things that have to be out immediately or they go in the garbage.
@stateroad (731)
• United States
15 Feb 07
I am a woman and I hate woman like your future EX. I cannot stand it when a woman has a good guy and she will just throw him away for someone else. I would have not given her the van to drive her boyfriend around that is insane. She is stupid for even asking that of you. Women who are living a life like her have no morals. They just take and take and want and want. Please stick your ground and do not let her abuse you any more. She sounds like she has played head games with you and has hurt you a lot. For which I am sorry. I really marvel that you make decisons that will not make your daughter seem like a pawn. I think your daughter would understand that you are doing this to help her in life and not win her over. Good Luck and I hope all goes well. Please know that all women are not like your future ex and some of us do appreciate men especially one that you call your husband.
• United States
15 Feb 07
I honestly think that if yall are getting a divorce one of yall need to find some other living arrangement to calm a lot of the problems, my x decided the week before christmas he was coming home and there was nothing i could do to sstop him so i moved in with my boyfriend. We are seperated so i have no desire to live with him, he cheated on me then left then that didnt work out so he wanted his family back. So far in 6 months I have been able to keep my boyfriend and him from meeting just to keep the peace, that is my rule and luckily both are obeying my wishes. For all of our sakes including my 2 daughters its just the best way no one needs or wants to see a fight between the 2 men.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Feb 07
I'm so sorry that your having to go through this. You seem like a nice man. Your wife defently don't deserve you. and if she was to charge you with saying that weed was your's is a pretty low blow. It also sound's like your daughter would be better off with you. take care and good luck
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Feb 07
June is still 4 months away and so many things can happen in that long period of time. Let her leave the soonest possible time especially she got a boyfriend now. You both got your own lives now and it is much better be that way rather than sharing the same home and your daughter can see the situation. Do the best thing for your daughter and your future exwife had no holds over you especially doing favors. She had relinquished that when she started her infidilities. Goodluck!
1 person likes this
@pinklilly (3446)
• Australia
15 Feb 07
o.k so you are seperated but not yet legally divorced and she is seeing someone eles and still living with you..... Firstly to me she sounds like a w... You sound like you have your daughters best interest at heart I would go for full custody of your daughter but don't deny her of seeing her mother. It would be sad to see her grow up like her mum so nurture her teach her right from wrong, Love her and be there for her... How old is you daughter??? Her mother needs to leave if she wants to be with another man Don't let your daughter see this mess it could affect her.. I grew up with some weird family ties of Love and that messed me up for awhile untill I realised right from wrong....
1 person likes this
@flowerchilde (12518)
• United States
15 Feb 07
Hi, I read down in this thread a ways, to where you wrote a little more about the boyfriend. He sounds like bad news to me, and I don't blame you for considering whether or not he should be around your daughter. It's one thing if your X suffers consequences, as she's an adult and chose all this, and him.. but your daughter has no say and she should not have to suffer anything from this guy. He may also be on his best behavior for now, too. I would get rid of the pot and let your lawyer know it is the wife who smokes it and not you, so there is some sort of record, as this seems to be the only thing she can use against you, and obviously she's not above planting it and all! I think your getting custody of your daughter would be the best thing for your daughter, as her mother has, at the least been dishonest, and unfaithful, not very good characteristics, and sets a very poor example. Anyway, that's my two cents worth. Good Luck to you!
• United States
14 Feb 07
Awww sweety! I am soo sorry you are going threw this..And its all a bunch of crap..First off..its only benn a day..Im sire you can press charges against him and i would just out of spite for everything he has done to you..especially going off like a mad man! And he sounds like an a$$..and I would ask your daughter if he has ever landed a hand on her..and as for adultry..yes get a good lawyer..I personally have a huge grudge for cheaters,,I would see about getting spousal support from her..because she cheated on you..and find out from your lawyer if u got a PI what would be accepted..and make sure u get to witnesses before her,,and as for this guy..throw his a$$ in jail..and have custody set up so he cant be around when she has your daughter..because,,if u press charges now..it will be on his record and ithink the court would double think his being able to be there being violent..i wish u lots of luck and plz keep me posted will you?
1 person likes this
@tarlsgirl (102)
• United States
14 Feb 07
It is so hard going through something like this, when you say the words "I do", sometimes just one person means it and the other person takes it for granite, its hard my brother is going through it, I wouldnt take your little girl away from her mom unless she was physically or mentally harming your child, in that case I would, I would just wait and see what happens, I hope everything works out for you.
1 person likes this
@Sawsen (795)
• United States
14 Feb 07
I agree, I don't think it's a good idea to use your daughter as a pawn. She has nothing to do with any of this. And if you do use her, she's going to think it's her fault that you're not together. One thing though. You keep calling her your wife lol. Is she your ex-wife. Or your wife? I think her current boyfriend had no right to interfere in your business anyway, because it's not his business. I think he has low self-esteem. He's probably just trying to show off in front of your ex. And I honestly don't think it's a good idea for your child to be around a person who does weed. You should tell your ex that if she's going to continue doing the weed, then you're not going to allow your daughter to be there.
@Myrrdin (3601)
• Canada
14 Feb 07
I keep calling her my wife as a mater of legality, technically she is still my wife, we are separated, but where I am there is no legal separation so from a legal standpoint we are still married, and even if we get an actual separation agreement (not necessary in my province) we would still be legally married until the divorce. I think of her as my ex, but quite often I do call her my wife still as well.